Ce que je veux
In these past few months, I've often asked myself, "What was it that I wanted?" And in those months, I couldn't find an answer. What was it that I've always wanted? What was it that I wanted to do with myself? Who was it that I wanted to be?
I think my personality is relatively simple, or at least simple enough that the greater part of it can be related to one single fundamental conviction: that of love. That does not only pertain to romantic love, or even with platonic or familial love, but a love of the world, life, and all things in it. Even though there are many times, becoming fewer and fewer now, when I have been ignorant of it, au fond de mon cœur, I really do love it. Every single thing in this world, no matter how simple and how small, is beautiful. And how could I ever think otherwise? Just the way in which this universe works, how everything fits together so well, how beautiful everything is if you only cared to look, how wonderful people truly are if you only looked deep enough, just everything that we are given the pleasure of seeing or feeling or hearing in this world - everything - are so precious.
I am so grateful, so fortunate just to be where I am right now. And I am humbled, despite the world's faults and despite all of the improvements that we will always, always need to make, by the genuine goodness of the world. What a wonderful world it is, to be able to feel and see and cherish and love it all. What a wonderful world it is just to be able to be alive. From the kindness of mere acquaitances, to nature's boundless beauty; from the hearfelt concern of my best friends, to the love I have for Ember, to the love that I have for Fred - I am so greatly humbled by it.
But this modesty should, in no way, make me hate myself. That, if anything, only goes against who I truly am, or who I should and want to be. If I am here, shouldn't that mean that I'm good enough? If I am here, don't I deserve it, in some way or another? And if I didn't, that shouldn't stop me from being able to be good enough. There's no point sitting and brooding over how little you deserve something; rather, it would be much better to spend that time trying to be good enough. And I am - I am good, I am good enough for this world, I am good enough to be who I want to be.
And who was it that I wanted to be? Even though there's no way that I could ever match up to the greatness of life and everything in it, even though there's no way that I could ever repay all that it has given me, I want to give back, even if only a little. I want to spread kindness, I want to spread happiness, I want people to see the beauty of the world and appreciate all that it has to offer. I want to be here, I want to leave an imprint on the world, and I want to do this by doing what I love and use what I love for the benefit of the world - the people, the environment, the animals, whatever it might be. I want to do this, and I want to be great so that I can do this. And what is it that can stop me?
This is what I've always wanted, after all.
I think my personality is relatively simple, or at least simple enough that the greater part of it can be related to one single fundamental conviction: that of love. That does not only pertain to romantic love, or even with platonic or familial love, but a love of the world, life, and all things in it. Even though there are many times, becoming fewer and fewer now, when I have been ignorant of it, au fond de mon cœur, I really do love it. Every single thing in this world, no matter how simple and how small, is beautiful. And how could I ever think otherwise? Just the way in which this universe works, how everything fits together so well, how beautiful everything is if you only cared to look, how wonderful people truly are if you only looked deep enough, just everything that we are given the pleasure of seeing or feeling or hearing in this world - everything - are so precious.
I am so grateful, so fortunate just to be where I am right now. And I am humbled, despite the world's faults and despite all of the improvements that we will always, always need to make, by the genuine goodness of the world. What a wonderful world it is, to be able to feel and see and cherish and love it all. What a wonderful world it is just to be able to be alive. From the kindness of mere acquaitances, to nature's boundless beauty; from the hearfelt concern of my best friends, to the love I have for Ember, to the love that I have for Fred - I am so greatly humbled by it.
But this modesty should, in no way, make me hate myself. That, if anything, only goes against who I truly am, or who I should and want to be. If I am here, shouldn't that mean that I'm good enough? If I am here, don't I deserve it, in some way or another? And if I didn't, that shouldn't stop me from being able to be good enough. There's no point sitting and brooding over how little you deserve something; rather, it would be much better to spend that time trying to be good enough. And I am - I am good, I am good enough for this world, I am good enough to be who I want to be.
And who was it that I wanted to be? Even though there's no way that I could ever match up to the greatness of life and everything in it, even though there's no way that I could ever repay all that it has given me, I want to give back, even if only a little. I want to spread kindness, I want to spread happiness, I want people to see the beauty of the world and appreciate all that it has to offer. I want to be here, I want to leave an imprint on the world, and I want to do this by doing what I love and use what I love for the benefit of the world - the people, the environment, the animals, whatever it might be. I want to do this, and I want to be great so that I can do this. And what is it that can stop me?
This is what I've always wanted, after all.