What I would like to say..9-2-05
Here is what I would like to say to people who I can't be honest with.
Mom- Sometimes you make me feel so ultimately stupid I am at a loss for words. It seems that everytime we need something to laugh at, it's my stupidity just because I don't excell at anything in particular. But let me tell you one thing, I excell at surviving my life. No, I don't like to read all that much. And no I'm not book smart. I have accepted it, but I'm not proud of it. Don't laugh at me and make fun of me. Also, you should be happy that I am confident in myself now... don't look down on me for commenting myself. Shouldn't you be happy I'm not puking my guts out anymore? Why are you doing this?
Adam- I know you're smarter. You know I'm stronger. Don't make me feel dumb because you are smarter than me. I'm not dumb, I'm busy taking care of myself.
Dave- Why did you waste your time with me? Why did you hold my hand at the movies and buy me dinners? Was it all because you knew it was what I wanted? You never wanted it, did you. I don't even feel bad right now because I never totally had you. You did make me feel used a lot of the time. I was never your whore. I won't ever again be alone with you. You don't deserve me... I'm so much better than what you offered. You hurt my feelings until I realized you weren't worth it. You can keep inviting me over. You can tell me you miss me. You can even say you want me back... but that's when I'll say, you never had me in the first place damnit.
Jon- I miss what we had. Not the physical relations, not the late night phone calls... but the closeness we shared. I miss calling you my big bro and knowing you were 100% by my side even though you were across the country. You helped me through the two most difficult years of my life, and I wish I knew you would be there in the difficult years to come. I know we've grown up and are different people now, but it sucks growing up without you.
Dad- Where have you gone? Do you still love me the some as you did... or is your guilt destroying all love you once had. I want you to hold me.
Grandma Vi- I wish I had the strength to talk to you about everything, but I want you to know I'm all right. I just know that if I talk to you I will lose myself and cry to you... but I know that would make your life worse. That's the last thing I want to do. I'm sending a message through the Lord telling you I am great and that I love you. I will speak to you when I know I'm ready.
Mom- Sometimes you make me feel so ultimately stupid I am at a loss for words. It seems that everytime we need something to laugh at, it's my stupidity just because I don't excell at anything in particular. But let me tell you one thing, I excell at surviving my life. No, I don't like to read all that much. And no I'm not book smart. I have accepted it, but I'm not proud of it. Don't laugh at me and make fun of me. Also, you should be happy that I am confident in myself now... don't look down on me for commenting myself. Shouldn't you be happy I'm not puking my guts out anymore? Why are you doing this?
Adam- I know you're smarter. You know I'm stronger. Don't make me feel dumb because you are smarter than me. I'm not dumb, I'm busy taking care of myself.
Dave- Why did you waste your time with me? Why did you hold my hand at the movies and buy me dinners? Was it all because you knew it was what I wanted? You never wanted it, did you. I don't even feel bad right now because I never totally had you. You did make me feel used a lot of the time. I was never your whore. I won't ever again be alone with you. You don't deserve me... I'm so much better than what you offered. You hurt my feelings until I realized you weren't worth it. You can keep inviting me over. You can tell me you miss me. You can even say you want me back... but that's when I'll say, you never had me in the first place damnit.
Jon- I miss what we had. Not the physical relations, not the late night phone calls... but the closeness we shared. I miss calling you my big bro and knowing you were 100% by my side even though you were across the country. You helped me through the two most difficult years of my life, and I wish I knew you would be there in the difficult years to come. I know we've grown up and are different people now, but it sucks growing up without you.
Dad- Where have you gone? Do you still love me the some as you did... or is your guilt destroying all love you once had. I want you to hold me.
Grandma Vi- I wish I had the strength to talk to you about everything, but I want you to know I'm all right. I just know that if I talk to you I will lose myself and cry to you... but I know that would make your life worse. That's the last thing I want to do. I'm sending a message through the Lord telling you I am great and that I love you. I will speak to you when I know I'm ready.