I never stopped to think...
I never stopped to think that all the shit I go through day in and day out, the crap we all go through. All the "Oh I had a really reeeally bad day" comments here and there. The tears from our bad days. But, I dunno. Driving home from Mikes after we watched What Dreams May Come started me thinking. The only thing that I think could honestly be the worst day in my entire life would be losing Mike or someone in my family. I'm not saying Mike and I breaking up because... well I honestly can't picture it. But actually never seeing them again, because they passed on. I don't know if I could be one of those strong people to live life without everyone. Without my family when I'm an adult. I'll need my Mike and our babies to keep me going. I think that's one of the tasks that we are given as a human being. To create and recreate, and if I dont have that, or even have that person to walk through life with I'm not really sure what would happen.
See, I've always been one of those people to hate the people who talk of suicide and say they've tried it or act like it's their choice to die when they feel best. Yes it's your life, but you aren't the only one here. Just because you think nobody cares about you doesn't mean you can go and just leave. There is always one last person, one person you never thought of being upset. I know should Mike and I grow old together, that I'd never want him to leave this world to be with me, because he would see me when his time had come. Yet, I know Mike would want the same of me, but how do you find the good in life after someone you love so much, with everything, someone who you've shared your life with in every intimate detail is gone. To commit suicide is so selfish. It's not even the fact that it's illegal in the bible, but that it's just outright the most selfish thing you could ever do. It's like you are putting yourself above everyone and saying- look! I'm better than you because I don't care what you think anymore!! Yet, I've never been there before so I suppose I wouldn't know.
But anyway, this whole thing is about What Dreams May Come and the whole idea behind Robin Williams going through the movie to save his soul mate wife from the hells. As sad and sappy as the movie is and was the first 5 times I watched it, it never gets old. It seems to have a new meaning each time I watch it. Kinda weird.
I also started to think about the people you meet in life. Going along the lines of everyone is here for a reason kind of thing. So if everyone is here because they change something in someone then I wonder who I've changed. I was actually thinking this on my way over to Mikes before the movie, that it would be so cool if you could flip through someones life and see every encounter with another person that changed them, and what it did. Kind of like a flip book.
For instance, I was friends with this kid named Derrick Womack. He was one of my very first friends when I moved to Chesterfield. Despite my huge crush on him that I'm sure he knew about, he still wanted to play and teach me how to throw a football. His parents were usually drunk or high so it was rare that I'd ask his parents if he could come play. They usually beat on him or on each other, kind of a nasty situation. Well, anyway, Derrick and I made a date to play football for the next day after school. My sister wakes me up in the morning to the Channel 7 News at 6am. I remember this morning like you'd remember anything this important. I remember sitting on my moms bed in sobbing tears. I couldn't have imagined I could have cried any harder. All I kept thinking was it isn't true, we were supposed to play football today, where is he? He ended up being hit by a police officer in a high speed chase, he was riding his bike on the side of the street when a cop lost control of his car and killed him. See what was really weird was that soon after I started dating Chris in 11th grade (Derrick died in 4th)I mentioned Derricks death and he actually knew him. Chris had seen him that night only a few hours before he died. There I was having plans with him the next afternoon. We kinda always thought maybe it was Derrick that had us running into each other for some reason or another. I'm not really sure if it was Derrick that brought us together in a shitty relationship with some good here and there for 3 years, or if it was just us. But I liked to have thought it was Derrick. So- in that case, I learned from Chris what I want in my husband. I am such a different person after leaving him. A better, stronger woman, smarter and a lot harder on myself. I look out for people more and I think I'm also more hesitant to love someone. But- Michael took care of all that. :) I found the one I want. The only one I'll ever need.
Basically if it weren't for Derrick, for Chris knowing Derrick, for me meeting Jackie in 8th grade Math, who later knew Eric to get me over Chris, then Jackie who knew people who knew Ray, and then Fallon who knew Ray and Duane, where Duane helped me get over Ray, and then Jackie who made me get on the net to meet Mike... I'd still be lost waiting to play my after school football game with Derrick. Instead, things worked out beautifully and I've met my Robin Williams.
I know I'm so mushy- isnt it beautiful! :P
See, I've always been one of those people to hate the people who talk of suicide and say they've tried it or act like it's their choice to die when they feel best. Yes it's your life, but you aren't the only one here. Just because you think nobody cares about you doesn't mean you can go and just leave. There is always one last person, one person you never thought of being upset. I know should Mike and I grow old together, that I'd never want him to leave this world to be with me, because he would see me when his time had come. Yet, I know Mike would want the same of me, but how do you find the good in life after someone you love so much, with everything, someone who you've shared your life with in every intimate detail is gone. To commit suicide is so selfish. It's not even the fact that it's illegal in the bible, but that it's just outright the most selfish thing you could ever do. It's like you are putting yourself above everyone and saying- look! I'm better than you because I don't care what you think anymore!! Yet, I've never been there before so I suppose I wouldn't know.
But anyway, this whole thing is about What Dreams May Come and the whole idea behind Robin Williams going through the movie to save his soul mate wife from the hells. As sad and sappy as the movie is and was the first 5 times I watched it, it never gets old. It seems to have a new meaning each time I watch it. Kinda weird.
I also started to think about the people you meet in life. Going along the lines of everyone is here for a reason kind of thing. So if everyone is here because they change something in someone then I wonder who I've changed. I was actually thinking this on my way over to Mikes before the movie, that it would be so cool if you could flip through someones life and see every encounter with another person that changed them, and what it did. Kind of like a flip book.
For instance, I was friends with this kid named Derrick Womack. He was one of my very first friends when I moved to Chesterfield. Despite my huge crush on him that I'm sure he knew about, he still wanted to play and teach me how to throw a football. His parents were usually drunk or high so it was rare that I'd ask his parents if he could come play. They usually beat on him or on each other, kind of a nasty situation. Well, anyway, Derrick and I made a date to play football for the next day after school. My sister wakes me up in the morning to the Channel 7 News at 6am. I remember this morning like you'd remember anything this important. I remember sitting on my moms bed in sobbing tears. I couldn't have imagined I could have cried any harder. All I kept thinking was it isn't true, we were supposed to play football today, where is he? He ended up being hit by a police officer in a high speed chase, he was riding his bike on the side of the street when a cop lost control of his car and killed him. See what was really weird was that soon after I started dating Chris in 11th grade (Derrick died in 4th)I mentioned Derricks death and he actually knew him. Chris had seen him that night only a few hours before he died. There I was having plans with him the next afternoon. We kinda always thought maybe it was Derrick that had us running into each other for some reason or another. I'm not really sure if it was Derrick that brought us together in a shitty relationship with some good here and there for 3 years, or if it was just us. But I liked to have thought it was Derrick. So- in that case, I learned from Chris what I want in my husband. I am such a different person after leaving him. A better, stronger woman, smarter and a lot harder on myself. I look out for people more and I think I'm also more hesitant to love someone. But- Michael took care of all that. :) I found the one I want. The only one I'll ever need.
Basically if it weren't for Derrick, for Chris knowing Derrick, for me meeting Jackie in 8th grade Math, who later knew Eric to get me over Chris, then Jackie who knew people who knew Ray, and then Fallon who knew Ray and Duane, where Duane helped me get over Ray, and then Jackie who made me get on the net to meet Mike... I'd still be lost waiting to play my after school football game with Derrick. Instead, things worked out beautifully and I've met my Robin Williams.
I know I'm so mushy- isnt it beautiful! :P