Here I am...
Last Monday, I started cramping. Like really cramping - labor contractions, knowing something is wrong cramping. I woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain that it took my breath away. The next day the cramping dulled, but didn’t disappear. I wasn’t bleeding and I was scheduled for an ultrasound Thursday so I decided to tough it out, knowing there wasn’t any miracle that could be performed. When they called to reschedule my ultrasound appointment, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer to set an emergency appointment especially considering I’d lost three days of sleep due to these hideous pains. We went to the doctor on Thursday and were told the baby stopped progressing, that the baby was the same size as a few weeks ago and there were no fetal heart tones, which should’ve been evident by 10 weeks. Unfortunately, my body wasn’t successful at completing the miscarriage and I had to shove four pills up my wa-hoo that night. By Friday morning, I was “really” miscarrying. Saturday, I was starting to feel semi-normal again. I was able to pull myself out of bed and do some homework and chores even. However, Sunday I woke up and was feverish, sore, and just plain feeling like shit. We called the doctor and she told me that she thinks I’ve developed a mild infection and now I’m on antibiotics too. I’m still cramping and in pain PLUS now I’m so weak that I can’t even get out of bed. I tried to go to school today, but it was an utter failure. I went to two classes and spent most the of class period shifting uncomfortable in my seat and dreading that I was soaking through my jeans. Emotionally, I’m a rollercoaster. We didn’t really plan for this baby so in a way, it’s almost a relief. I’ll be gone for four months for a semester in a town 3 hours away. Thinking about being away from my family until I was seven months pregnant was not a pleasant thought. Plus, I have another semester to complete down in Moscow next year too, which would’ve had to be put on hold with a new baby. Also, there is the financial aspect of having another baby…..BUT we started to become attached to the idea of having another baby. We started calling the baby “her”, told our family, and even our kids. Everyone was excited. I’ve felt numb, sad, disbelief, and even angry. It doesn’t help matters that there are these complications that leave me bed-ridden and further delay me from feeling and being normal. I just want to throw myself back into my old routine of chores, homework, and classes….whoever thought? I want to watch Christmas movies with the boys and make holiday packages of fudge. I want to take the kids to see the Muppet movie and to visit with Santa at the mall. I want to type a paper - yes, I’m in so much pain that I can’t even type a paper. It took me 30 minutes to put this together because I can only sit up to write one paragraph a time. The only good thing about this whole ordeal is Jeff getting a major crash course in being a mama and a papa. He’s literally had to do EVERYTHING the past 2 weeks. I am so incredibly lucky to have him. Can you believe that he actually will put on and take off my socks for me when I’m hot or cold? He comes in our bedroom every 45 minutes to put a new episode on of whatever I’m watching on Netflix because I can’t seem to get up. He makes sure that I’m taking my antibiotics and pain pills plus making dinner, helping with homework, and putting kids to bed. I swear, if I didn’t realize it before, I realize now that he’s seriously the best husband in the world.