(no subject)
I took a nap this evening and dreamed that my mother had died. It was the sort of dream that weaves into reality as if this has all been going on for quite some time now. In the dream I was staying in the bedroom across the hall from my mother's room. I hadn't gone in it since she died because sitting on her bed and talking was something we did a lot when she was alive and I couldn't bring myself to walk into that room and see her bed empty. There were a few adventures (including a race-track around the house I think, my brain is sketchy) but I finally decided to walk into her room and feel the finality of her death. When I opened the door there she was on her bed and I felt a wildly vivid joy, thinking that there was a bizarre misunderstanding and she was alive afterall. I jumped onto the bed, and as I did I realized I was looking at her spirit. I started crying and told her that I was so sorry she died, and I wished that I'd had a child while she was alive so she could be in its life and they could know their grandmother (It's interesting how honest my dream is on this point when in waking life it's not something that would occur to me to be upset about, but would probably upset me if she actually died right now). She told me that even if she was dead she'd watch over me so I shouldn't feel bad. It's hard to convey in summation the emotions that went with this exchange, but I was very devastated and she really soothed me. When I'd calmed down I asked if she was still Mormon now that she was in the next world. I'm thinking this was the most realistic aspect of the dream, because if my mother did die and I did have a chance to speak with her spirit, this is probably one of the first questions I'd ask. She said that my (deceased) grandparents had gone past Mormonism into other aspects of spirituality, but that for the time being she was going to figure some things out about it and she was very happy.
The dream shifted to other oddnesses, and then I slowly started unwinding out of sleep and the phone rang. It was a friend wanting to talk, and the dream cleared out of my head. After I was off the phone I had a sudden and severe panic attack over whether or not my mother was actually dead. It was around midnight so I didn't want to call and wake her up, instead I called another friend so he could tell me I was just being silly and not to worry about these things. Instead he said to go ahead and call my mother because no mother would want to lose an opportunity to comfort a child in such a time. Feeling a little awkward over everything, I called the home line, and no one picked up.
And I freaked out. Because my parents are not midnight wanderers, it is highly strange that at 12:00 am they would be somewhere other than home. UNLESS THEY WERE AT A HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF SOME STRANGE ACCIDENT AND EVERYTHING HAD HAPPENED SO FAST THAT THEY NEVER CALLED! I called my mom's cell phone in case they were travelling (possible), and no answer on that either. EVEN MORE FREAKING OUT! A million implausible but not impossible scenarios jumped all over my head like hyperactive toddlers, and I started crying from the sheer despair that her death was even remotely likely. After a good five or ten minutes of that my mom called back: she'd been on the other line and their phone doesn't give a busy signal.
Cue relief so intense my body weakened. I told her what was up and she, of all things, apologized that I'd had such a dream since it concerned her :D We talked for a short while, and then she went to sleep (assuring me that she didn't intend to die until Christ's Second Coming, which is SO my mother that it delights me endlessly). I wandered around petting cats trying to figure out what to do with all this pent-up, springy-feeling anxiety. I settled on alcohol and chocolate cake, went to The Muddy Pig, found out there was no chocolate cake and instead had some Bass while reading Italian Folk Tales by Italo Calvino.
Now I feel like I should get some work done, but really, really don't want to. Would rather drink some more then go to sleep and hopefully wake up feeling rejuvenated after all of this exceptionally sapping emotional drama.
If only she was immortal. It's the only thought that would put all this anxiety to rest.
The dream shifted to other oddnesses, and then I slowly started unwinding out of sleep and the phone rang. It was a friend wanting to talk, and the dream cleared out of my head. After I was off the phone I had a sudden and severe panic attack over whether or not my mother was actually dead. It was around midnight so I didn't want to call and wake her up, instead I called another friend so he could tell me I was just being silly and not to worry about these things. Instead he said to go ahead and call my mother because no mother would want to lose an opportunity to comfort a child in such a time. Feeling a little awkward over everything, I called the home line, and no one picked up.
And I freaked out. Because my parents are not midnight wanderers, it is highly strange that at 12:00 am they would be somewhere other than home. UNLESS THEY WERE AT A HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF SOME STRANGE ACCIDENT AND EVERYTHING HAD HAPPENED SO FAST THAT THEY NEVER CALLED! I called my mom's cell phone in case they were travelling (possible), and no answer on that either. EVEN MORE FREAKING OUT! A million implausible but not impossible scenarios jumped all over my head like hyperactive toddlers, and I started crying from the sheer despair that her death was even remotely likely. After a good five or ten minutes of that my mom called back: she'd been on the other line and their phone doesn't give a busy signal.
Cue relief so intense my body weakened. I told her what was up and she, of all things, apologized that I'd had such a dream since it concerned her :D We talked for a short while, and then she went to sleep (assuring me that she didn't intend to die until Christ's Second Coming, which is SO my mother that it delights me endlessly). I wandered around petting cats trying to figure out what to do with all this pent-up, springy-feeling anxiety. I settled on alcohol and chocolate cake, went to The Muddy Pig, found out there was no chocolate cake and instead had some Bass while reading Italian Folk Tales by Italo Calvino.
Now I feel like I should get some work done, but really, really don't want to. Would rather drink some more then go to sleep and hopefully wake up feeling rejuvenated after all of this exceptionally sapping emotional drama.
If only she was immortal. It's the only thought that would put all this anxiety to rest.