Ease My Troubled Mind 2/3
Fanfiction: Ease My Troubled Mind 2/3
Pairing: AkaKame
Genre: Romance, Angst, Fluff
Rating: R for language and smut.
Disclaimer: No, they are not mine. Sadly T-T.
PART TWO
14th November, 2010
He never dreamed things could go so well. Aspirations are one thing, but to see them on the way of being fulfilled is totally another. It’s pure, unadulterated exhilaration.
Pi texted him a few hours ago, something along the lines of “Now that you conquered the West don’t forget your friends, fucker” that Jin is tempted to not answer just to piss him off. Then he reconsiders, answers with a simple tongue-stuck-out emoticon that is sure to annoy Pi anyway.
It’s true he hasn’t got time at all, lately. He doesn’t mean to neglect his friends, but between recording “Sun Burns Down” that will be released in January and working on “Japonicana”, not counting the usual rehearsals, he feels exhausted most of the time. Still, he’s drained but full of enthusiasm at the same time, like he’s finally doing something worthy of breaking his back for. He’s still recovering from the American tour, if “recovering” means being nostalgic as hell over his western audience.
He has the usual variety show appearances, that hasn’t changed, but this time, his goals well justify taking part in the outrageous ridiculousness of those programs anyway. So what if he has to recommend his favorite dishes on national television or listen to people interviewed on the streets comparing him to a jaguar, or a panther, or whatever, with a straight face. He can do that, no problem. For every stupid thing he’s asked to do to promote his work, he remembers he’s working solo on his album, writing music he likes.
At least he’s getting something out of it, now. Can’t say the same about a year ago.
He wishes he could be prouder of his past. Happy that he started as an idol. But the truth is, he can’t help wondering how it could have been like being scouted instead. Have a normal life, enjoy music, focus on what he loves to do without having to compromise all the time. Or maybe also work his way up the ladder, sing in a band and try his luck that way. And it wasn’t either the sacrifices that really annoyed him, but the fact that they were jerked around like idiots just to please the audience. Music was just a (mostly) nice background; what really was important was to sell the image of the charming boy next door, a fucking perfect prince on a white horse, and Jin wasn’t in show business because of that. Music was his only ambition.
He had enjoyed the companionship, the easy banter between members and the friendships he established over the years, more than the job part in itself. He never would have met important people in his life without being an idol.
Maybe he would have been happy anyway. He would have had different friends. Maybe he would have been as lucky, but he can’t imagine not being friends with Pi, or Ryo. And, he loved KAT-TUN, still does; but that’s not enough anymore. Being with them turned hard, somewhere along the way.
He doesn’t feel like apologizing for his change, but sometimes he feels guilty all the same. Like this was not what the others members signed for, like he owes them, somehow, for having put up with him and his antics, even if when he’s rationalizing things and being sensible about it he knows that wasn’t the case. All of them had to take into accounts their differences and make it work, in the years; it wasn’t just him being fickle. Still, he was the only one leaving.
Being an idol was never for him. But there was a time when the only roles he could audition for were childish school thugs or cute love-sick youngsters, when he changed into stupid glittery costumes and put up with a smile; and he loved it, had no qualms playing his part. Fan service was fun, not humiliating and just wrong-
There was a time when it didn’t hurt.
He had gotten an offer he just couldn’t refuse. And Johnny-san, come to think of it, kind of resembles Brando’s Godfather, which partly explains why he didn’t even think about refusing said offer.
He doesn’t have to apologize for his solo success; and the other members owe him just as much as he owes them. It isn’t like he won’t have to work hard from now on; in fact, he has no one backing him up, splitting the responsibility with him. It’s either success or failure, and it depends on him alone now.
Another reason why he misses KAT-TUN. Not that he’s on bad terms with them, he even sees them a lot. After all, they’re still in the same agency; maybe they are a bit on the cold side, especially Taguchi and Ueda who seem to not do so well with the acceptance stuff, and of course there’s the vicious backstabber-
So, ok. He can say things are fine with half of KAT-TUN. Part of it wasn’t his fault, and Jin expected worse anyway. He had been an asshole those last few months, after all. He could say the stress of that awful situation was getting to him, but it would do nothing to change the fact he had.
He ordered pizza over the phone while he was still on the road, so he barely has time to kick off his shoes, turn on the lights and the TV before the door goes.
He pays the guy, and when he comes back from the entrance the commercial break’s over and there’s a familiar voice on screen he hasn’t heard in a long time. He forgets to take a beer from the fridge, just sits gingerly on the edge of the couch with the pizza box still in his hands, just looking.
It’s Kamenashi.
He has that usual idol smile pasted on, and for a second he wants to change channels.
Then the guest in the studio goes “You look good in that uniform” with some overly familiar annoying tone and Jin just stops. Kamenashi is gracefully polite as usual; then the weird mood (But it may be just Jin’s impression) is dispelled by the older colleague’s agreement.
That Nishioka guy sure has a dumb face. Jin munches on the slice of pizza without even tasting it.
Apparently, Kamenashi expressed the desire to try some extra complicated catch and he gets sent to Hiroshima to learn all about it.
This is the first time Jin watches Going!. He was extra careful not to, for a while, and then between travelling from L.A. to Tokyo he somehow forgot it even existed.
Now he learns that Kamenashi has this Pro Baseball Project, and he, indeed, looks good. Accomplished.
For a while he focuses on the episode while he eats. Then he gets a beer during a commercial break; it’s been a while since he last caught himself thinking about Kame and it doesn’t surprise him that it hasn’t gotten easier.
He looks good, really good. Seems like he’s been training for that project of his and he looks healthier, a bit more flesh on those bones; Jin wonders how stupid it is that for all his resentment towards the guy he still can be happy for him.
He always thought that Kame didn’t understand the difference between working and actually enjoying your job, but it seems like he gets it now. He seems also at ease in that situation and the athletes indulge him with fondness. He’s like a really well-behaved mascot.
The prickle of annoyance is there, of course, but then Jin knows himself pretty well. He hasn’t met Kame in months, and he wouldn’t be able to admit to someone else that things are all but settled, but he’s honest enough with himself to know that.
He snorts, reminding himself. You’re done with that shit. You should just get over it.
He absently gets looped in the program again as soon as the break’s over. Kamenashi on field is much more natural than in the studio, the way he judges playfully the entity of that home run catch he’s going to perform, the bright, admiring smiles he shoots to Akamatsu and Amaya. Sometimes the players barely refrain from poking fun at him, sometimes they tease him openly, and Kamenashi soaks it all up like he’s part of the team.
Everything goes well more or less for a while; Jin watches without asking himself why, at times focusing on his laptop, but still lending one ear. He realizes that probably this is the only chance for fans to actually see a bit of the true Kame behind the perfect-idol mode; that hard-working, uncompromising drive is what attracted Jin at first, and it’s one of the few things Jin still perceives as real in his carefully built public persona.
He was much more spontaneous when he was young. He always was very professional with management, the senpai and in general his colleagues; there was a time when he was incredibly polite with Pi, too, before they acted in Nobuta. But behind the scenes he was a dork, and Jin loved that they could be dorks together.
That polite stranger on TV looks nothing like him. Sure, he’s confident and knows how to behave under the spotlight, and this has always been typical of Kame. He knows when to smile, how to graciously accept teasing without being a spoilsport, and when it’s time to be serious. But somehow, the act has become much faker, and he doesn’t know if he’s the only one who can see that. Probably he is. But just because he remembers how much of an idiot Kame could be off camera.
He can’t really fathom how a person can change so much in a handful of years when Jin never managed to change a single thing about himself, but maybe he didn’t want to change as badly. And anyway, Jin cannot imagine Kame not being able to achieve something. Who’s Jin to judge. God knows he could use some advice in that department.
Life has sure taught him something these years, and overall he’s aware he’s learned to be more diplomatic, more subtle and generally more well-behaved towards criticisms. But he knows also that inside, when he’s comfortable enough to be, he’s still that petulant kid trying to whine his way out of things he doesn’t fancy.
Kame, on the other side, could have received a laurea honoris causa in self-management years ago. When he acted in Nobuta he was already so talented he could go on for days without sleeping or eating more than a onigiri per meal, and it showed on his face even before Jin got his act together and asked Pi about it.
Jin doesn’t envy him; he did maybe in the past sometimes, when he noticed how Kame was appreciated and well-received in every working space, but he’s long come to realize how badly this affects Kame’s quality of life. Not that this has ever managed to make Kame desist. Not that Kame looks unhealthy now, on screen; if anything, he looks better than ever, which makes Jin think that maybe he’s finally learned his lesson.
He has just finished his second beer when things get really irritating.
Kamenashi’s asked by the female host to confirm whether he knew beforehand about Nishioka’s plan about this season (Jin has figured out during the course of the episode that the guy’s actually the captain of Lotte. Maybe he should have known sooner, but hey. It’s not like baseball is his thing).
Kamenashi looks almost adoringly at the guest in the studio and answers that yes, they went together out for dinner and he was told on that occasion. It seems like a really normal thing, going out with someone you have something in common with, still Jin is instantly annoyed. Nishioka is the captain of Lotte, is that why Kamenashi’s tongue is so far up his ass? There’s no other explanation why he would hang out with someone so lame.
Nishioka confirms it, states with that plain, stupid monkey face that “They do spend time together in their private lives”, and that Kamenashi-kun asked what Tsuyoshi-kun’s goal for this season was, and Jin snorts beer out from his nose, furious.
Tsuyoshi-kun? Since when Kamenashi is on a first-name bases with anyone on TV?
To think Jin had been “Akanishi” on screen way before they started fighting.
He misses the guy’s answer as he repeats himself he doesn’t care, but bile rises acidly in his throat and he can’t help wondering if there is something more between the two than they let on. They’re both guys, and nobody would question them going out together or have doubts about it, it’s like hiding in plain sight.
Except that Kame has never been interested in guys, or so Jin always thought. He always went out with a bunch of chicks; Jin thinks he would have known. Wouldn’t he?
He’s not ready to admit that he’s bloody jealous about monkey face hanging out with Kamenashi, so he pops open his third beer, and promptly decides to drink himself to a stupor and forget all about Kamenashi and the herd of guys probably following him everywhere.
He wishes he had enough self-esteem to change channel, but the truth is that he wants to get until the end to see if he manages to stumble on hints about Kamenashi banging all the Chiba Lotte Marine’s team.
What he gets is Kamenashi saying that he and Nishioka have “heart-to-heart talks about their dreams”, which makes him almost gag, him answering wrong to a soccer quiz question a kid could have managed, and more news on the European soccer championship.
What a splendid evening.
When he finally turns off the TV, he’s jittery and angry at his lack of control. He lights a cigarette, takes a couple of deep drags, and when the nicotine finally hits he feels a bit better.
Well. It’s a relief that Kamenashi has new buddies.
Maybe he won’t spit out their bones after he’s finished with them, who knows. That’s VIP treatment for childhood friends.
As he stares at the ceiling he wonders if Kame is going home now, or if captain ‘Tsuyoshi-kun’ is going to take him out for drinks. Then he catches himself.
No point torturing yourself, right? You gave up on him long ago, or better yet, he gave up on you. Boss spoke, and he caught an awesomely timed chance to get rid of you.
He stopped wondering long ago why. All those months ago it was the first thought in his head when he woke up, the last before going to sleep. He kept questioning himself about what he could have screwed up so much that Kame would stop caring, but sleepless nights had not provided him with an answer no matter how much he struggled, and asking had been pointless as well. He’d had to give up, in the end. It wasn’t in his character, or it hadn’t been, Jin’s not sure anymore.
But, well. He had been hurt enough.
Everyone has his own miserable experiences about friendships gone to hell, and this one isn’t particularly original, even. All the hopelessly-in-love sob story adds to the drama, of course. But mostly it’s just pathetic that after all those months he still can’t get a grip.
And it’s even sadder that he even thinks about it, imagines calling Kamenashi out of the blue and tell him-
What?
Jin sighs disdainfully at himself. Maybe it’s the beers, but he feels ridiculous. Or maybe it’s Kame, still. That guy has so much power over Jin, even if he has not seen him in months. A sudden appearance on his TV is enough to put him in this state again?
And besides, what’s done is done. Kamenashi’s revealed himself for who he truly is… even if that doesn’t really quell Jin’s distress. He wishes he had never befriended him, never put himself up for destruction.
Too bad that in his head, he can still see that grinning little twerp following him like a duckling, and he still loves that boy. He loved him still when he turned into a handsome man, but now Kamenashi’s different. He feels trapped by feelings for someone who’s just a cold, detached stranger now. The guy Jin knew doesn’t exist anymore; somehow, someway, it disappeared in the rise to success, and there’s nothing Jin can do about that.
People grow up, change, for better or worse. Even he changed, even if he doesn’t think he’s turned into a complete asshole.
At best, it’s a waste of time thinking like this. But mostly, he just wishes he had an outlet for all this disappointment. He wishes he could tell it to that prick’s face; but there’s no chance now, and he knows how well that worked in the past anyway.
Go to bed and forget. Think of all you have to lose. Think of all you’ve gained.
When he decides to go to bed, he falls asleep. And if he dreams, in the morning he tries to not remember.
***
2nd March, 2011
Akanishi’s new single resounds in the bedroom as the radio alarm goes off.
He remembers it was supposed to be released today.
I am unable to convey with such simple words feelings such as like or hate,
This special day which only comes once a year
Over and over, till the end of time
Your innocent smile and unchanging gestures are the closest to me
Each and every one of them are my treasure
Kazuya rolls lazily on his side, eyes blinking open slowly. It’s still dim outside, it must not be later than seven. He stretches cat-like under the duvet, and it’s so warm that a pleased huff escapes his mouth.
He could have slept the day away, if only he hadn’t forgotten to turn off the alarm the night before.
He doesn’t mean to listen to the words, not really; rather, he tries not to. On a normal weekday he would jump out of bed, turn off the radio and get on with his day. He doesn’t have time to waste, usually. But these couple of days so far have been mostly uneventful; it helps that filming for Yokai Ningen Bem has been suspended until Friday because the director had a short trip overseas. As for Going! and the usual band activities, it was a rush, as always, but Kazuya’s stopped dwelling over it years ago.
He rarely has time to stop and just feel, usually. And of that, he couldn’t have been more thankful throughout the year. There is only one thing that helps him to go through the motions and that’s work.
Sometimes he finds company, also; but it’s not soothing, rather a way to blow off some steam, a stress-relief. He most certainly doesn’t let them stay the night.
Just knowing that you’re living with a smile
Makes me feel happy, warm and at peace
It lights up my future
Of course, having the chance to listen to Akanishi’s single doesn’t help.
He’s always so careful to not think about him at all. And mostly, he succeeds.
His head is a mess, and everything just hurts. Well, it probably wasn’t such a splendid idea to drink so much yesterday. Especially considering the fact he was given a day off to rest. But well. Once he’d started, he’d found it hard to stop, so he hadn’t. Booze wasn’t a healthy choice, but when the alcohol finally got to him, there was this pleasant buzz under his skin that made his days disappear.
He had a slight fever the past few days, but didn’t have time to actually stop and relax a bit. Of course, now his fever is back full force, bringing with it all the thoughts he suppressed all year. Being sick always makes him vulnerable on much more than a physical level. It gives him time to think, without a chance to escape.
He feels hot, his throat raw. And maybe he’s still a bit drunk. But it’s not what bothers him; it never is. He knows his limits; and he knows he tends to overstep them. Still, he usually copes well enough; when he gets sick, it’s because his job is requiring less, and this week was no exception. It’s always been like this; he has almost unlimited resources when the adrenaline is high and he’s busy like hell, but as soon as he relaxes he catches the flu or spends the day catching up on sleep. He never realizes his body’s demands until he slows down, he supposes.
He usually doesn’t get hungry during the day, too. He has learned to eat at fixed times now. But to tell the truth, Going! these days requires more of the physical stuff out of him, especially now that the tour is still quite a bit far, so he often catches himself feeling ravenous in the middle of the afternoon and it’s safe to say being a sportscaster is the main reason behind his weight gain.
But in the past he usually caught up with his stomach in the middle of the night, and then he was left choosing between making up for it with breakfast or getting up and prepare something quick. Needless to say, most times it was the first.
His heart flutters back to a time when another person reminded him constantly of his non-existing talent at taking care of himself, and it still hurts.
That’s maybe the only thing he can’t easily cope with in his present. The loss. It runs deep inside his veins, clawing his way through Kazuya’s body. The flu, he can handle. But this, this void, is a bitter, ever-present reminder. He has done everything in his power to forget; to move on. But he feels guilty; he has thrown away one of the few real, good things in his life, the one he should have never let go of, and he can’t really respect himself for this.
He gained something from that loss, undeniably; and that makes it hurt more.
One would think it had to get better with time. Kazuya, though, isn’t surprised that it hasn’t.
Even if one day we were born again in a different world,
We would meet again the same way,
And I would still love you the same way
Akanishi’s singing affects him. In the warm cocoon of his blankets, shielded to the world, he can pretend Jin doesn’t really hate him, that this soft tone of voice is for him. Kazuya finally lets himself be miserable. It’s unexpectedly easy. And somehow, acknowledging the hurt helps.
He doesn’t remember the last time he allowed himself such a thing, but being heart-broken is not really his thing. He can’t hurt, he just can’t.
It’s better to bury everything and leave it all behind, where the truth can’t reach him. It’s easier not to remind himself of what he’s lost, because he knows he won’t have it back. And to hurt, day after day after day without reprieve will just damage everything he’s worked hard to achieve.
So no, he can’t hurt.
But maybe he can now, just for a bit, because he’s alone. No performance to maintain, no audience to please.
He sensed way before it was announced that Akanishi would leave the group; it hurt then, and it hurts now, but it’s not like he can blame the other. Akanishi never was one for taking orders passively, or being told how to interact with audiences, what songs to write, how to relate with people in his life; it simply wasn’t his nature.
As soon as he grew up he felt uncomfortable in the fans-pleasing idol role. They had all seen it coming. He bets even the fans came to realize it. His act became weaker and weaker each Cartoon KAT-TUN episode, there was no way anyone could have not realized it.
But the knowledge doesn’t hurt any less.
Kazuya has always loved that fiery, untamable, uncompromising force. The ability to stand tall for his heart’s desires and not back down. Jin rarely, if ever, gave up; not even when he got hurt. Sometimes Kazuya deemed it nonsensical in the past, facing cannons with a knife. But he grew to respect that attitude, because however much it may look contrary to any sense of self-preservation, it turned out to be a strong weapon when Jin stood for the people he cared about. It was selfless and amazing, and everything Kazuya was not. It allowed him to live with no regrets, which didn’t seem like a big deal when he was younger, but it gradually had come to mean a lot to him.
What would he give now just to be able to face him one last time, have the chance to say it to him at last after so many fights and misunderstandings.
He snorts. If he ever was to really talk to Akanishi again, it would just result in Kazuya getting the shit beat out of him.
He’s under no illusion that things will eventually get better. He knows he has to make do with what he has. And even through the guilt, he realized in all those months that their friendship was bound to end someday.
The struggle to overcome their misunderstandings was on the losing side; it had been ever since they debuted. As much as they were important to each other, their relationship was bound to become a devastating wreck.
He can see clearly now that things had already drastically changed after Seishun Amigo. He had blindly believed at the time that he could fix it, and for a small period he had thought he had succeeded. Jin had seemingly forgiven him, but Kazuya remembers the strain they suffered from the hit. He had felt broken by Jin, then. He was desperate for his affection, for his forgiveness; maybe Jin had realized, and come back to him, but it made Kazuya see clearly how Jin’s absence, or presence, had a bigger impact on his life than what was healthy. It made him back off, even more so when Jin left for the States.
Kazuya can still see his exhaustion in the promotional photos of the time, carefully concealed under layers of make-up but still evident to him. He had never weighed less. To his own eyes, that wide-eyed, drained mannequin is repulsive now; but then, he thought he didn’t have a choice. Jin could never love him the way he needed him to, so he turned to what he had left. His career. Eating, or sleeping, were never a priority.
The only important thing was keeping himself, and KAT-TUN, afloat.
And by the time Jin came back, Kazuya had painfully learned to stand on his own feet. He wasn’t ready for Jin to crush him to the ground again.
He was relieved when Jin left the band. He feels guilty for that, too, and broken-hearted, but the relief of not having to meet him so often anymore was overwhelming, more so than his desire to have him close.
The day it was announced Kazuya spent the whole morning watching the news-and bawling his heart out watching reruns of their old TV appearances which had been broadcasted after the press-conference. Jin had seemed so happy in the past. How could he simply not be anymore? Shouldn’t there have been a way to fix it, to make it right again?
But Kazuya was no fool. There wasn’t right or wrong. There was just an option to him, and that was to silently slip away from Jin and hope he wouldn’t realize it. He never thought things would get so ugly as to involve Johnny himself.
He watched those old clips, focused on Jin’s young, bright face, the adoring look in his eyes when he turned to Kazuya, and knew with absolute certainty he had fucked up every good thing they had in their relationship. He realized then, as he tried to remember the last time Jin had smiled to him like that, that Kazuya was entirely to blame. How many times had he pretended he couldn’t see Jin watching him? How many times had he focused on whoever was close to him at the moment, be it Koki, Yuichi, Tatsuya or Junno just to avoid Jin, just because he couldn’t handle his own feelings?
He knows Jin tried. Up until the moment he realized it really was hopeless, Jin had kept trying. He watched an old clip that same morning, Jin approaching him on the LIPS PV set, just to chat a bit probably-to reassure himself that Kazuya still paid a bit of attention to him at least. He watched himself as Jin talked; he never lifted his head to look at him, just mumbled some response, barely acknowledging him, as if he was mad, and it wasn’t fair. Kazuya knew that.
It had been right after one of many of Johnny’s warnings, almost a year before their relationship was severed completely.
He remembered the cameras rolling, and he felt cornered, didn’t want to show anything to the world, felt terrified that Johnny could actually think that Kazuya was being too friendly, and he backed off. In his mind, he kept repeating it’s better this way, it’s better this way, it’s better this way.
It really wasn’t. It hadn’t been for a long time.
But he couldn’t let himself go to pieces, either. He knew what came out of being friends with Jin, what suffering in silence brought him, and he couldn’t deal with it anymore. Was it bad of him that he had more self-preservation than that? That he had chosen himself over Jin?
It had been a hard blow to accept it. But now, now he was sure he had done the right thing for himself.
That didn’t stop the guilt, though.
He was different from Jin. Years of hard work shaped him into a good entertainer, but he had never had Jin’s confidence or talent. He loved, and loves KAT-TUN as Jin, as Akanishi did; maybe more. It’s his safety net; it was the only thing he felt he could do well, being an idol.
It’s not the case now; it’s his choice now. He loves his job, but for years, there had always been a little taunting voice in his head, whispering You’re not good enough.
And only thinking of defying Johnny to see Jin in secret was enough to make him violently ill, at the prospect of what could happen to them if someone found out. Of ending up on the streets unemployed, without a high school diploma, without any other skill.
For years, seeing the bad ratings of his dramas kept him awake at night, scared to death that Johnny would summon him to his office one day, saying he was done with show business.
But the years passed, and that old fear became at most an annoying reminder of everything he had sacrificed. If he had known earlier… if only he had realized earlier how much he would miss Jin.
There may be things that we need to overcome
Don't give up (don't give up)
No matter what comes our way, I’ll always be right by your side
He gets up lazily as the song fades toward the end. He briefly peeks through the blinds, checking the weather, surprisingly clear, then moves to the kitchen. He pads barefoot to the kitchen counter, busying himself with making coffee, trying to not think too much about Akanishi’s lyrics.
It’s not like he wrote them for you.
There was a time he had hoped, though. Hoped that “Care” was for him as “Kizuna” had been for Jin.
He feels restless, waiting for the coffee to be ready, and a small part of his mind is still on that song, on the choices he made in the past, on that stupid fear that always got in the way whenever Akanishi was concerned. Kazuya can’t help but being mad at him.
He’s the only person in his life holding so much influence over him. It would be comic, if it wasn’t so frightening. Kazuya never lets it get the best of him, is careful about thinking about Akanishi; he’s aware of how much he screwed up in the past over him, with him. He’s not about to forget, probably will never be.
He wishes he hadn’t been so weak.
The only consolation is that if Akanishi was undoubtedly aware of that power in the past, he surely isn’t now.
He wonders at times if he ever will be able to love someone so wholeheartedly again. If he will ever stop loving Jin the way he does now. He tries not to let the thought affect his life, but he doesn’t always manage.
He let Jin go thinking it would give him space to breathe. But some days he’d rather not breathe anymore, and have Jin’s friendship back.
He still has a life to be proud of; he loves his job more than he ever thought he would, and most of the times it’s enough. He likes that he’s good at what he does. He never thought he could before.
Kazuya is always friendly-at least, he does his best. He greets Akanishi every single time he meets him, whether by accident or with the guys; he makes small talk when necessary, also. But he never goes beyond that, he always makes sure to never tread on dangerous ground. It helps that with every casual, harmless word he forces out of his mouth Akanishi usually gets more and more pissed until he can’t take it anymore and storms off.
He has nothing left but the hope that one day Jin will be ready to forgive him.
He sits on the windowsill with the full mug in his hand, propping up his legs and taking in the city outside. His apartment is on the last floor of a small flat, however nothing obstructs his view in the small distance.
The sky is crystal clear, and he can watch people going to work from his position, kids going to school and the owner of the small grocery-shop opposite his window setting up his merchandise on the sidewalk. The sun filtering through the semi-open blinds burns his eyes so he closes them, and that gives him some peace at last. He lets the warmth enclose him, seeping under his skin and for a bit everything is quiet, soothing.
It’s nice for once not having to rush through his day, even though he got used fairly well to his busy life and isn’t one to complain.
As he did in the past, he accepts most of the work sent his way, almost never says no even though he has a choice now.
His job has always come before everything else. That’s how he survives; working hard would never betray him, never leave him with nothing. And in fact, it hasn’t. Of course, he doesn’t expect everyone to understand. And Jin-Akanishi never did.
Anyway, it’s fine now. He’s long come to terms with things he cannot have, and Akanishi Jin’s seal of approval is most definitely one of those.
Time to get out, to clear his head. A walk in the sun will do him good, never mind his cold. Kazuya drains his cup, puts it in the sink, then goes back to his bedroom to change. In ten minutes, he is outside with Ran and Jelly.
He has to take the best he can get.
He won’t expect anything more.
***
5th March, 2011
The club’s awesome. The music’s great and there are lots of people, but not so much you’d have trouble finding a table or a spot on the dance floor.
He thinks he’s never been happier to party the night away (or what’s left of it; after rehearsals and recording for Yokai Ningen Bem he barely managed to grab something to eat at a Seven Eleven before showing up here. Koki and Taguchi found out about the place and suggested to go take a look before it became so popular they wouldn’t be able to pass unnoticed, and Kazuya had happily agreed; he looked forward to a night out and he likes that for once Nakamaru and Ueda have shown up. Usually they aren’t big fans of the dance floor, both prefer a quiet night chatting in some upscale bar, and Kazuya’s glad he managed to convince them both. Not that they lack time all together; but outside of work, it’s a rare occurrence. Matching five schedules is hard enough, but the issue really is that they have different lives and interests outside of show business.
He’s ready to let go for a bit, and as soon as he’s on the dance floor he loses track of time. It’s easy. For a bit Koki dances next to him, quite close to a couple of pretty brunettes who seem to gladly return the attention, and Kazuya just sways to the music, moving without trying to impress, just happy to dance by himself. If someone tries to catch his attention, he doesn’t notice.
Time passes and for a while he’s aware of nothing but how good it is to let off some steam, to move a bit after spending a couple of days in bed with that stubborn fever. Sometimes he closes his eyes, and it’s nice to lose himself to the beat, listening to the mass of dancing people moving almost in sync with him; it’s like being part of a bigger organism, breathing and sweating and not caring one bit about how he looks. It feels liberating and pure exhilaration to just surrender himself.
He’s not looking for a partner tonight. He would, usually, but somehow today he doesn’t feel the need.
He starts when Koki touches his shoulder and inches closer to let him know he’s leaving. The two brunettes are right by his side and Kazuya has just about time to smirk knowingly before the other winks at him and moves away from the dance floor.
He takes a couple of deep breaths and decides to take a break. A brief glance at his wristwatch confirms it’s almost four in the morning; and in fact as he gets at their table they’re all already there, even Junno who usually stays on the dance floor until he’s about to keel over.
“Giving up already?” Junno smiles and shakes his head. “Nope. Just catching a breather.” then he leans in, whispers conspiratorially in his ear. “Did you see Koki leave?”
“Yeah. It seems he got lucky.”
“Can’t say the same about you, though.” Kazuya shrugs. In fact, his sudden aloofness is a bit strange but he can’t explain it to himself any more than he can explain it to Taguchi. One of the reasons he likes nightclubs is because it’s easier to find a girl, or a guy willing enough to leave together. The others have come to expect it and he doesn’t really know what’s gotten into him tonight. But, well. Maybe he’s still a bit tired from being sick.
He remembers how hard it was to pick up someone in the past. Not because he wasn’t confident, but because he felt terrified being discreet wouldn’t be enough to escape a possible scandal; after a while, though, he had learned to pick the right places, all of them did. Often a back door was the usual escape route, and they had learned to be careful with cab drivers, also. It became second nature to weave through those bumps in the road while getting what they wanted all the same. Funny how in time it became less scary than being close to Jin.
“I just didn’t feel like it. What about you?”
“Riina’s waiting for me.”
“Good for you then.” Kazuya sometimes wishes he found someone, too. He doesn’t know precisely how long has Junno’s relationship lasted, but he thinks it’s been a while. His smile must be a bit envious because suddenly Taguchi shoves him and laughs. “You look like a lost puppy! Cheer up, I’m sure you’ll find someone in this hell.”
Kazuya chuckles and nods; but inside, he wonders when picking up strangers became not enough.
Ueda and Nakamaru are ready to call it a night, also. They stand and Maru smiles, apologetic. “Sorry. I think we’ve had enough for tonight”. Ueda nods in agreement, and Kazuya and Junno say their goodbyes, waving back as the other two approach the doors and turn back one last time.
His gaze strays as Junno downs the rest of his beer and stands to get back to the dance floor. “You coming?” he shouts over the loud music, and Kazuya absently nods again. He gets looped back into the music again, and this is better than some meaningless one night stand, just submitting to the bass reverberating in his chest, under his skin, moving until his limbs are heavy as stones and he’s empty, void of any unpleasant thought.
He doesn’t have to think. The loud music ensures that. And it’s fun to dance next to Junno, both laughing when it becomes a competition on who can be sillier.
It’s well over five when Junno decides it’s time to leave. He luckily has the keys to Riina’s apartment so he’s not going to be scolded seriously when he gets home. Kazuya thinks he’ll get to snuggle to a warm, loving body and once again he feels restless, tense. He refuses the offer to share a cab, decides to stay a bit more, and in a couple of moments he’s alone.
It doesn’t feel bad, actually. The alcohol is a pleasant buzz under his skin but he’s not drunk, just a bit tipsy. One more drink can’t hurt him, he thinks. It will just make everything a bit softer, drive the anxiety away. He reaches the counter. He’s exhausted but he won’t have to work in the morning and it’s good not to have to worry about that, also.
As he waits for the bartender to serve him, he casts a look around. Not many people left anymore, and the deejay has left a while ago so it’s not long before he has another beer in front of him. He’ll finish this and get home, he decides. It’s been a good night. He let some steam out, and once he falls in his bed he won’t remember about Junno and his girlfriend, won’t think about people he can’t have. He’s just tired.
In the morning he’ll feel better for sure.
He takes a look around as he has a final gulp from the bottle. The music is still pleasant and the atmosphere is really nice. He’s definitely coming back, no buts. The sweat’s cooling down on his skin and he takes a relaxed breath while leaning on the counter. The beer tastes like heaven.
Then the girl sitting next to him turns, looks at him with a mildly pleased expression. She’s kind of pretty, dark hair and a sharp gaze, but it’s her attitude that makes her captivating.
Maybe it’s the fact that she’s not so openly flirtatious, but still manages to look interested without giving too much of herself away. Her body language says she’s willing, but won’t care too much either way and somehow it’s soothing, it calms his restlessness. There’s no pressure, it seems easy. And suddenly all the doubts he had disappear, he wonders ‘Why not?’, and that’s when he smiles, charmingly, because he still knows how to.
“May I help you?”
“Maybe.” she answers, teasingly.
In fact, it’s not hard at all. The girl’s lithe, with a short, cute hairdo and a very pretty mouth. It doesn’t take much to taste her cocktail on her lips, and it’s with a chuckle that she opens up to him and lets him inside.
There’s no need for names, no need for inane chatter. It’s perfect.
Not long after, they’re moving towards the exit.
He’s out of the door flagging a cab down when out of the corner of his eye he notices a familiar shape leaning heavily on the wall of the club. He’s a bit behind him, almost in the side alley, and his heart recognizes him at once.
He stares, and for a second he completely forgets he’s not alone. He’s at a loss. He’s not sure what he should do, at all. His heart screams for him to make sure he’s fine, but there’s been so much distance between them he knows the other won’t want him. And why’s he there alone?
He glances at the girl leaning on him, who’s looking quite puzzled at his sudden uncertainty. “Sorry,” he finds his voice uttering. “I can’t.” Her look’s searching, but she doesn’t seem angry, just put out and when she finally nods and gets in the cab in front of them she smiles. “Until next time.” She says, but he’s already turning back. His ears distantly register the sound of the car leaving, but his frantic heart is so loud that he can’t focus on anything else.
He’s two feet from him and the wall when he stops. “Jin.” He murmurs. Then he realizes, corrects himself. “Akanishi.” He calls, louder and suddenly unfocused, dumbfounded eyes are on him and he can’t hear his heart anymore. The other’s surprise doesn’t last more than a couple of blinks.
“What do you want?” the other's tone his cold, as usual, but Kazuya’s not sure that he has recognized him, until the other talks again.
“Fuck off, Kamenashi.”
He doesn’t know what to say. It was easy to fool himself into thinking the hatred would fade to quiet hostility someday, but Jin’s hard eyes now make it so, so difficult to believe. He hasn’t seen him in months and it’s heart-wrenching how much he missed him, even this hostile.
He’s still thinking about what to say when Jin leans against the wall, breathing heavily. Suddenly he crouches down, dry-heaves racking his body, and Kazuya stops thinking, places a tentative palm on Jin’s back. He must be feeling really bad because he doesn’t shake his hand off, but gradually his labored breathing slows and they stay there for a while, Jin’s wheezing painfully and Kazuya leaning over him, the palm warm in the middle of Jin’s shoulder blades.
It’s surreal. They both don’t talk, but he can feel Jin’s tense body relax slightly after a while and he can’t help drawing little circles with his thumb. He wonders how come he missed Jin in the club all night, but then he remembers being so focused on trying to release his own stress that he barely noticed time passing by. Who knows if Jin saw him before.
“Go away.” In the silence it sounds so abrupt, even if it was barely a fatigued whisper. Once again, Kazuya doesn’t know what to say.
“Please. Go away.” He sounds drained, exhausted. Kazuya has to fight against himself for a while; the need to run from the knowledge that Jin can’t stand to see him is almost overpowering, but in the end he steels himself. “No.” he says resolutely. “You can hate me all you want, I won’t leave you here.”
“I can manage. And I sure as hell don’t need your fucking pity.” Jin hisses, but Kazuya this time is not going to let him drive him away. He squats down at eye-level, eyes unmoving. “Listen. I can drag you kicking and screaming to a cab and take you home, and if I have to believe me, I will.” Jin’s wide-eyed, but completely silent. “But I’d rather not be with you on Friday’s first page tomorrow morning, and I don’t think you want that either. It’s a miracle in itself they haven’t taken pictures of us already, so quit being stupid.”
Jin meets his eyes squarely, and for a couple of seconds they don’t move. Kazuya lets him look, it’s not like it could be worse anyway. It’s with a rather painful thump in his chest that he receives Jin’s short nod, and immediately raises Jin’s hoodie over his head with one hand, helping him to stand up with the other arm.
They have to wait several minutes on the curb before a taxi passes by; it’s almost six in the morning and dawn’s fast approaching, not a soul is still out on the streets. Kazuya tries not to notice how Jin’s body warmth against him makes him feel, distracts himself thinking practically. He doesn’t like the idea of leaving Jin alone on his doorstep, and the thought prompts a glance in his direction.
Jin looks devastated. He can barely keep his eyes open, and sometimes he trembles in the crisp night air. He can tell he’s forcing himself to stay upright with all the strength he has left, but sometimes he sways a little into Kazuya’s side. “How are you feeling?” he chances.
“Fine.” The answer is clipped, strained.
“Yeah, be stubborn. That will help.” He can’t help but answer, suddenly annoyed by the pissy attitude. It’s a wonder that Jin still has enough energy to be disdainful.
Kazuya, of course, isn’t deigned of an answer, but it’s fine. After all this time he’s grown to expect it. The knowledge doesn’t make it hurt less.
A long drive later, Jin’s unwillingly napping against his shoulder, and Kazuya suddenly remembers Gokusen. That time, too, Jin had fallen asleep against him, but well, he doesn’t think now Jin will look as relaxed when he wakes up. Still he lets him, and busies himself looking at Tokyo go by. He tries not to remind himself that the quiet is only temporary; that as soon as he feels better, Jin will start to bitch and curse and yell at him and things will go back the way they were. But he’s failing.
The hurt that creeps in surprises him more than it should. You know how it’s gonna end, he scolds himself.
He remembers feeling like this when he got the part for the Gokusen movie, and realized Hayato in the script was nowhere to be seen. He should have expected it already, and he had; but it didn’t dilute the shock, or the pain. It felt like a part of his memories had been tainted by the awareness that in the future Ryu and Hayato weren’t meant to be together; that they had followed different paths and didn’t need each other anymore after all.
His gaze ghosts over Jin’s relaxed face, but he can’t really turn his head down to take a good look. Jin’s nestled against him so close, and looks so peaceful he has to glance away.
Breathe, he tells himself.
He feels like an idiot, trying to do the right thing. How much more sensible it would have been to drop Jin off at his place, be considerate but not totally stupid. What is he trying to accomplish anyway?
Distance’s the only solution, it has been for the longest time, and here he is taking Jin home. That stupid regret that’s been bothering him ever since he listened to Jin’s single on the radio is driving him nuts. It must be, because he can’t explain his own actions otherwise.
Then Jin’s arm slips loose around his waist and he has to take a couple of deep breaths. It’s a good thing that the driver doesn’t seem too interested, but somehow, he knows that even if he were, for the first time Kazuya can’t bring himself to care.
Nonetheless, they are almost arrived. Kazuya shakes him, lightly murmuring his name and immediately Jin’s eyes snap open. The connection between them is abruptly severed when Jin jolts, jerking away from him with accusing eyes, and Kazuya sighs, looking out the window.
He watches Jin slump against the seat out of the corner of his eyes, as soon as he thinks Kazuya’s attention has been diverted from him.
Kazuya drops his head against the window, and for a while the cold of the glass is soothing, it lets him think about what to do now. But for some reason, even if he knows he can’t expect anything different, he finds himself wishing he could believe that there was some reason why he and Jin met tonight.
When the cab stops in front of his apartment building and he pays the driver, he feels Jin’s unsettled gaze on him. He turns and when he realizes what’s in those vulnerable, tired eyes he has to force a breath in. Jin’s frightened.
He’s never seen it before, in all those years, every time he tried to approach Jin and all he saw and felt was contempt, and his own misery.
He was so focused on his pain, on his loss that he forgot Jin’s. He left Jin alone, he did. He could have all the reasons to do it but it wouldn’t change the truth. He had been abandoned by Kazuya, not the other way around and all the hate Kazuya thought Jin felt towards him was a mirror of his own misery.
“Let’s go.”
Jin’s heavy and it’s not easy to drag an almost uncooperative body through the elevator and along the corridor of his floor but somehow they manage. Jin doesn’t talk at all. Somehow Kazuya had expected him to at least complain about the fact he hadn’t left him at Jin’s own place, but the other seems to barely acknowledge him.
He leaves him on the couch, and Kazuya’s good at being pragmatic, therefore in a small while Jin’s tucked in a warm comforter, with a steaming cup of coffee in his hands, and the scent seems to sober him a bit at last. When he raises his eyes, his gaze is steady. “I don’t know why you did it, but thank you.”
“Are you feeling better?” I did it because I care; because I can’t stand to see you hurt, because I’m sorry. It’s so hard to say it, and it would be pointless anyway. The silence is deafening, broken only by Jin’s small sips of coffee.
“Kinda. I think I’d better go home.”
Kazuya’s heart drops in his lap. Stupid. Of course he’d want to go home.
“You can stay. I don’t mind.” There’s a small smile that’s quickly wiped away by Jin’s look.
“You don’t mind, huh?” And there’s a mirroring smile on Jin’s face that looks bitter, alien. “Why? What are you trying to do?” His voice is low, almost calm, but the look in his eyes is disbelieving.
“I’m not-“
“Why so thoughtful all of a sudden, then?” Jin doesn’t move an inch, just stares right into his eyes, looking for an answer.
“I’m sorry, I just…” Kazuya is ashamed that the truth is so hard to come out of his mouth. “I couldn’t leave you there. I thought about it, thought you’d surely wouldn’t want me to help you,” Jin snorts, mutters something that sounds suspiciously like “Damn right” under his breath, then his gaze is back. “But I couldn’t help it. It… nothing changed. When it’s you, I can’t help it.”
He is mortified to hear Jin laugh. It’s not cheerful, or pleased. It’s mocking.
“You can’t help being nasty?” he taunts. Kazuya just lowers his head. He’s got nothing to say that would make a difference, anyway.
“You can’t help playing with me…” he continues, but this time Kazuya raises his eyes, interrupting him. “It was cruel, and mean, what I did… but I never played with you. I just didn’t know how else to handle it. I’m sorry. God, Jin. I’m so sorry.” He’s horrified to hear his voice crack and he shuts up.
“Handle what?” He looks incredulous.
But this, this is one question he can’t answer without giving himself away.
Jin sighs. “You haven’t told me the truth in a long time.” He mumbles. “Can’t expect you to start now.”
Kazuya doesn’t say anything.
“I must be going nuts.” Jin shakes his head, apparently at himself, and Kazuya thinks he’d do anything to know what he’s thinking.
“I’d like to stay.” He says then, and Kazuya blinks, surprised, before a small, relieved smile tears out of him. All the tension flows slowly out of his limbs, and it’s suddenly much easier to breathe.
“Stay.”
Pairing: AkaKame
Genre: Romance, Angst, Fluff
Rating: R for language and smut.
Disclaimer: No, they are not mine. Sadly T-T.
PART TWO
14th November, 2010
He never dreamed things could go so well. Aspirations are one thing, but to see them on the way of being fulfilled is totally another. It’s pure, unadulterated exhilaration.
Pi texted him a few hours ago, something along the lines of “Now that you conquered the West don’t forget your friends, fucker” that Jin is tempted to not answer just to piss him off. Then he reconsiders, answers with a simple tongue-stuck-out emoticon that is sure to annoy Pi anyway.
It’s true he hasn’t got time at all, lately. He doesn’t mean to neglect his friends, but between recording “Sun Burns Down” that will be released in January and working on “Japonicana”, not counting the usual rehearsals, he feels exhausted most of the time. Still, he’s drained but full of enthusiasm at the same time, like he’s finally doing something worthy of breaking his back for. He’s still recovering from the American tour, if “recovering” means being nostalgic as hell over his western audience.
He has the usual variety show appearances, that hasn’t changed, but this time, his goals well justify taking part in the outrageous ridiculousness of those programs anyway. So what if he has to recommend his favorite dishes on national television or listen to people interviewed on the streets comparing him to a jaguar, or a panther, or whatever, with a straight face. He can do that, no problem. For every stupid thing he’s asked to do to promote his work, he remembers he’s working solo on his album, writing music he likes.
At least he’s getting something out of it, now. Can’t say the same about a year ago.
He wishes he could be prouder of his past. Happy that he started as an idol. But the truth is, he can’t help wondering how it could have been like being scouted instead. Have a normal life, enjoy music, focus on what he loves to do without having to compromise all the time. Or maybe also work his way up the ladder, sing in a band and try his luck that way. And it wasn’t either the sacrifices that really annoyed him, but the fact that they were jerked around like idiots just to please the audience. Music was just a (mostly) nice background; what really was important was to sell the image of the charming boy next door, a fucking perfect prince on a white horse, and Jin wasn’t in show business because of that. Music was his only ambition.
He had enjoyed the companionship, the easy banter between members and the friendships he established over the years, more than the job part in itself. He never would have met important people in his life without being an idol.
Maybe he would have been happy anyway. He would have had different friends. Maybe he would have been as lucky, but he can’t imagine not being friends with Pi, or Ryo. And, he loved KAT-TUN, still does; but that’s not enough anymore. Being with them turned hard, somewhere along the way.
He doesn’t feel like apologizing for his change, but sometimes he feels guilty all the same. Like this was not what the others members signed for, like he owes them, somehow, for having put up with him and his antics, even if when he’s rationalizing things and being sensible about it he knows that wasn’t the case. All of them had to take into accounts their differences and make it work, in the years; it wasn’t just him being fickle. Still, he was the only one leaving.
Being an idol was never for him. But there was a time when the only roles he could audition for were childish school thugs or cute love-sick youngsters, when he changed into stupid glittery costumes and put up with a smile; and he loved it, had no qualms playing his part. Fan service was fun, not humiliating and just wrong-
There was a time when it didn’t hurt.
He had gotten an offer he just couldn’t refuse. And Johnny-san, come to think of it, kind of resembles Brando’s Godfather, which partly explains why he didn’t even think about refusing said offer.
He doesn’t have to apologize for his solo success; and the other members owe him just as much as he owes them. It isn’t like he won’t have to work hard from now on; in fact, he has no one backing him up, splitting the responsibility with him. It’s either success or failure, and it depends on him alone now.
Another reason why he misses KAT-TUN. Not that he’s on bad terms with them, he even sees them a lot. After all, they’re still in the same agency; maybe they are a bit on the cold side, especially Taguchi and Ueda who seem to not do so well with the acceptance stuff, and of course there’s the vicious backstabber-
So, ok. He can say things are fine with half of KAT-TUN. Part of it wasn’t his fault, and Jin expected worse anyway. He had been an asshole those last few months, after all. He could say the stress of that awful situation was getting to him, but it would do nothing to change the fact he had.
He ordered pizza over the phone while he was still on the road, so he barely has time to kick off his shoes, turn on the lights and the TV before the door goes.
He pays the guy, and when he comes back from the entrance the commercial break’s over and there’s a familiar voice on screen he hasn’t heard in a long time. He forgets to take a beer from the fridge, just sits gingerly on the edge of the couch with the pizza box still in his hands, just looking.
It’s Kamenashi.
He has that usual idol smile pasted on, and for a second he wants to change channels.
Then the guest in the studio goes “You look good in that uniform” with some overly familiar annoying tone and Jin just stops. Kamenashi is gracefully polite as usual; then the weird mood (But it may be just Jin’s impression) is dispelled by the older colleague’s agreement.
That Nishioka guy sure has a dumb face. Jin munches on the slice of pizza without even tasting it.
Apparently, Kamenashi expressed the desire to try some extra complicated catch and he gets sent to Hiroshima to learn all about it.
This is the first time Jin watches Going!. He was extra careful not to, for a while, and then between travelling from L.A. to Tokyo he somehow forgot it even existed.
Now he learns that Kamenashi has this Pro Baseball Project, and he, indeed, looks good. Accomplished.
For a while he focuses on the episode while he eats. Then he gets a beer during a commercial break; it’s been a while since he last caught himself thinking about Kame and it doesn’t surprise him that it hasn’t gotten easier.
He looks good, really good. Seems like he’s been training for that project of his and he looks healthier, a bit more flesh on those bones; Jin wonders how stupid it is that for all his resentment towards the guy he still can be happy for him.
He always thought that Kame didn’t understand the difference between working and actually enjoying your job, but it seems like he gets it now. He seems also at ease in that situation and the athletes indulge him with fondness. He’s like a really well-behaved mascot.
The prickle of annoyance is there, of course, but then Jin knows himself pretty well. He hasn’t met Kame in months, and he wouldn’t be able to admit to someone else that things are all but settled, but he’s honest enough with himself to know that.
He snorts, reminding himself. You’re done with that shit. You should just get over it.
He absently gets looped in the program again as soon as the break’s over. Kamenashi on field is much more natural than in the studio, the way he judges playfully the entity of that home run catch he’s going to perform, the bright, admiring smiles he shoots to Akamatsu and Amaya. Sometimes the players barely refrain from poking fun at him, sometimes they tease him openly, and Kamenashi soaks it all up like he’s part of the team.
Everything goes well more or less for a while; Jin watches without asking himself why, at times focusing on his laptop, but still lending one ear. He realizes that probably this is the only chance for fans to actually see a bit of the true Kame behind the perfect-idol mode; that hard-working, uncompromising drive is what attracted Jin at first, and it’s one of the few things Jin still perceives as real in his carefully built public persona.
He was much more spontaneous when he was young. He always was very professional with management, the senpai and in general his colleagues; there was a time when he was incredibly polite with Pi, too, before they acted in Nobuta. But behind the scenes he was a dork, and Jin loved that they could be dorks together.
That polite stranger on TV looks nothing like him. Sure, he’s confident and knows how to behave under the spotlight, and this has always been typical of Kame. He knows when to smile, how to graciously accept teasing without being a spoilsport, and when it’s time to be serious. But somehow, the act has become much faker, and he doesn’t know if he’s the only one who can see that. Probably he is. But just because he remembers how much of an idiot Kame could be off camera.
He can’t really fathom how a person can change so much in a handful of years when Jin never managed to change a single thing about himself, but maybe he didn’t want to change as badly. And anyway, Jin cannot imagine Kame not being able to achieve something. Who’s Jin to judge. God knows he could use some advice in that department.
Life has sure taught him something these years, and overall he’s aware he’s learned to be more diplomatic, more subtle and generally more well-behaved towards criticisms. But he knows also that inside, when he’s comfortable enough to be, he’s still that petulant kid trying to whine his way out of things he doesn’t fancy.
Kame, on the other side, could have received a laurea honoris causa in self-management years ago. When he acted in Nobuta he was already so talented he could go on for days without sleeping or eating more than a onigiri per meal, and it showed on his face even before Jin got his act together and asked Pi about it.
Jin doesn’t envy him; he did maybe in the past sometimes, when he noticed how Kame was appreciated and well-received in every working space, but he’s long come to realize how badly this affects Kame’s quality of life. Not that this has ever managed to make Kame desist. Not that Kame looks unhealthy now, on screen; if anything, he looks better than ever, which makes Jin think that maybe he’s finally learned his lesson.
He has just finished his second beer when things get really irritating.
Kamenashi’s asked by the female host to confirm whether he knew beforehand about Nishioka’s plan about this season (Jin has figured out during the course of the episode that the guy’s actually the captain of Lotte. Maybe he should have known sooner, but hey. It’s not like baseball is his thing).
Kamenashi looks almost adoringly at the guest in the studio and answers that yes, they went together out for dinner and he was told on that occasion. It seems like a really normal thing, going out with someone you have something in common with, still Jin is instantly annoyed. Nishioka is the captain of Lotte, is that why Kamenashi’s tongue is so far up his ass? There’s no other explanation why he would hang out with someone so lame.
Nishioka confirms it, states with that plain, stupid monkey face that “They do spend time together in their private lives”, and that Kamenashi-kun asked what Tsuyoshi-kun’s goal for this season was, and Jin snorts beer out from his nose, furious.
Tsuyoshi-kun? Since when Kamenashi is on a first-name bases with anyone on TV?
To think Jin had been “Akanishi” on screen way before they started fighting.
He misses the guy’s answer as he repeats himself he doesn’t care, but bile rises acidly in his throat and he can’t help wondering if there is something more between the two than they let on. They’re both guys, and nobody would question them going out together or have doubts about it, it’s like hiding in plain sight.
Except that Kame has never been interested in guys, or so Jin always thought. He always went out with a bunch of chicks; Jin thinks he would have known. Wouldn’t he?
He’s not ready to admit that he’s bloody jealous about monkey face hanging out with Kamenashi, so he pops open his third beer, and promptly decides to drink himself to a stupor and forget all about Kamenashi and the herd of guys probably following him everywhere.
He wishes he had enough self-esteem to change channel, but the truth is that he wants to get until the end to see if he manages to stumble on hints about Kamenashi banging all the Chiba Lotte Marine’s team.
What he gets is Kamenashi saying that he and Nishioka have “heart-to-heart talks about their dreams”, which makes him almost gag, him answering wrong to a soccer quiz question a kid could have managed, and more news on the European soccer championship.
What a splendid evening.
When he finally turns off the TV, he’s jittery and angry at his lack of control. He lights a cigarette, takes a couple of deep drags, and when the nicotine finally hits he feels a bit better.
Well. It’s a relief that Kamenashi has new buddies.
Maybe he won’t spit out their bones after he’s finished with them, who knows. That’s VIP treatment for childhood friends.
As he stares at the ceiling he wonders if Kame is going home now, or if captain ‘Tsuyoshi-kun’ is going to take him out for drinks. Then he catches himself.
No point torturing yourself, right? You gave up on him long ago, or better yet, he gave up on you. Boss spoke, and he caught an awesomely timed chance to get rid of you.
He stopped wondering long ago why. All those months ago it was the first thought in his head when he woke up, the last before going to sleep. He kept questioning himself about what he could have screwed up so much that Kame would stop caring, but sleepless nights had not provided him with an answer no matter how much he struggled, and asking had been pointless as well. He’d had to give up, in the end. It wasn’t in his character, or it hadn’t been, Jin’s not sure anymore.
But, well. He had been hurt enough.
Everyone has his own miserable experiences about friendships gone to hell, and this one isn’t particularly original, even. All the hopelessly-in-love sob story adds to the drama, of course. But mostly it’s just pathetic that after all those months he still can’t get a grip.
And it’s even sadder that he even thinks about it, imagines calling Kamenashi out of the blue and tell him-
What?
Jin sighs disdainfully at himself. Maybe it’s the beers, but he feels ridiculous. Or maybe it’s Kame, still. That guy has so much power over Jin, even if he has not seen him in months. A sudden appearance on his TV is enough to put him in this state again?
And besides, what’s done is done. Kamenashi’s revealed himself for who he truly is… even if that doesn’t really quell Jin’s distress. He wishes he had never befriended him, never put himself up for destruction.
Too bad that in his head, he can still see that grinning little twerp following him like a duckling, and he still loves that boy. He loved him still when he turned into a handsome man, but now Kamenashi’s different. He feels trapped by feelings for someone who’s just a cold, detached stranger now. The guy Jin knew doesn’t exist anymore; somehow, someway, it disappeared in the rise to success, and there’s nothing Jin can do about that.
People grow up, change, for better or worse. Even he changed, even if he doesn’t think he’s turned into a complete asshole.
At best, it’s a waste of time thinking like this. But mostly, he just wishes he had an outlet for all this disappointment. He wishes he could tell it to that prick’s face; but there’s no chance now, and he knows how well that worked in the past anyway.
Go to bed and forget. Think of all you have to lose. Think of all you’ve gained.
When he decides to go to bed, he falls asleep. And if he dreams, in the morning he tries to not remember.
***
2nd March, 2011
Akanishi’s new single resounds in the bedroom as the radio alarm goes off.
He remembers it was supposed to be released today.
I am unable to convey with such simple words feelings such as like or hate,
This special day which only comes once a year
Over and over, till the end of time
Your innocent smile and unchanging gestures are the closest to me
Each and every one of them are my treasure
Kazuya rolls lazily on his side, eyes blinking open slowly. It’s still dim outside, it must not be later than seven. He stretches cat-like under the duvet, and it’s so warm that a pleased huff escapes his mouth.
He could have slept the day away, if only he hadn’t forgotten to turn off the alarm the night before.
He doesn’t mean to listen to the words, not really; rather, he tries not to. On a normal weekday he would jump out of bed, turn off the radio and get on with his day. He doesn’t have time to waste, usually. But these couple of days so far have been mostly uneventful; it helps that filming for Yokai Ningen Bem has been suspended until Friday because the director had a short trip overseas. As for Going! and the usual band activities, it was a rush, as always, but Kazuya’s stopped dwelling over it years ago.
He rarely has time to stop and just feel, usually. And of that, he couldn’t have been more thankful throughout the year. There is only one thing that helps him to go through the motions and that’s work.
Sometimes he finds company, also; but it’s not soothing, rather a way to blow off some steam, a stress-relief. He most certainly doesn’t let them stay the night.
Just knowing that you’re living with a smile
Makes me feel happy, warm and at peace
It lights up my future
Of course, having the chance to listen to Akanishi’s single doesn’t help.
He’s always so careful to not think about him at all. And mostly, he succeeds.
His head is a mess, and everything just hurts. Well, it probably wasn’t such a splendid idea to drink so much yesterday. Especially considering the fact he was given a day off to rest. But well. Once he’d started, he’d found it hard to stop, so he hadn’t. Booze wasn’t a healthy choice, but when the alcohol finally got to him, there was this pleasant buzz under his skin that made his days disappear.
He had a slight fever the past few days, but didn’t have time to actually stop and relax a bit. Of course, now his fever is back full force, bringing with it all the thoughts he suppressed all year. Being sick always makes him vulnerable on much more than a physical level. It gives him time to think, without a chance to escape.
He feels hot, his throat raw. And maybe he’s still a bit drunk. But it’s not what bothers him; it never is. He knows his limits; and he knows he tends to overstep them. Still, he usually copes well enough; when he gets sick, it’s because his job is requiring less, and this week was no exception. It’s always been like this; he has almost unlimited resources when the adrenaline is high and he’s busy like hell, but as soon as he relaxes he catches the flu or spends the day catching up on sleep. He never realizes his body’s demands until he slows down, he supposes.
He usually doesn’t get hungry during the day, too. He has learned to eat at fixed times now. But to tell the truth, Going! these days requires more of the physical stuff out of him, especially now that the tour is still quite a bit far, so he often catches himself feeling ravenous in the middle of the afternoon and it’s safe to say being a sportscaster is the main reason behind his weight gain.
But in the past he usually caught up with his stomach in the middle of the night, and then he was left choosing between making up for it with breakfast or getting up and prepare something quick. Needless to say, most times it was the first.
His heart flutters back to a time when another person reminded him constantly of his non-existing talent at taking care of himself, and it still hurts.
That’s maybe the only thing he can’t easily cope with in his present. The loss. It runs deep inside his veins, clawing his way through Kazuya’s body. The flu, he can handle. But this, this void, is a bitter, ever-present reminder. He has done everything in his power to forget; to move on. But he feels guilty; he has thrown away one of the few real, good things in his life, the one he should have never let go of, and he can’t really respect himself for this.
He gained something from that loss, undeniably; and that makes it hurt more.
One would think it had to get better with time. Kazuya, though, isn’t surprised that it hasn’t.
Even if one day we were born again in a different world,
We would meet again the same way,
And I would still love you the same way
Akanishi’s singing affects him. In the warm cocoon of his blankets, shielded to the world, he can pretend Jin doesn’t really hate him, that this soft tone of voice is for him. Kazuya finally lets himself be miserable. It’s unexpectedly easy. And somehow, acknowledging the hurt helps.
He doesn’t remember the last time he allowed himself such a thing, but being heart-broken is not really his thing. He can’t hurt, he just can’t.
It’s better to bury everything and leave it all behind, where the truth can’t reach him. It’s easier not to remind himself of what he’s lost, because he knows he won’t have it back. And to hurt, day after day after day without reprieve will just damage everything he’s worked hard to achieve.
So no, he can’t hurt.
But maybe he can now, just for a bit, because he’s alone. No performance to maintain, no audience to please.
He sensed way before it was announced that Akanishi would leave the group; it hurt then, and it hurts now, but it’s not like he can blame the other. Akanishi never was one for taking orders passively, or being told how to interact with audiences, what songs to write, how to relate with people in his life; it simply wasn’t his nature.
As soon as he grew up he felt uncomfortable in the fans-pleasing idol role. They had all seen it coming. He bets even the fans came to realize it. His act became weaker and weaker each Cartoon KAT-TUN episode, there was no way anyone could have not realized it.
But the knowledge doesn’t hurt any less.
Kazuya has always loved that fiery, untamable, uncompromising force. The ability to stand tall for his heart’s desires and not back down. Jin rarely, if ever, gave up; not even when he got hurt. Sometimes Kazuya deemed it nonsensical in the past, facing cannons with a knife. But he grew to respect that attitude, because however much it may look contrary to any sense of self-preservation, it turned out to be a strong weapon when Jin stood for the people he cared about. It was selfless and amazing, and everything Kazuya was not. It allowed him to live with no regrets, which didn’t seem like a big deal when he was younger, but it gradually had come to mean a lot to him.
What would he give now just to be able to face him one last time, have the chance to say it to him at last after so many fights and misunderstandings.
He snorts. If he ever was to really talk to Akanishi again, it would just result in Kazuya getting the shit beat out of him.
He’s under no illusion that things will eventually get better. He knows he has to make do with what he has. And even through the guilt, he realized in all those months that their friendship was bound to end someday.
The struggle to overcome their misunderstandings was on the losing side; it had been ever since they debuted. As much as they were important to each other, their relationship was bound to become a devastating wreck.
He can see clearly now that things had already drastically changed after Seishun Amigo. He had blindly believed at the time that he could fix it, and for a small period he had thought he had succeeded. Jin had seemingly forgiven him, but Kazuya remembers the strain they suffered from the hit. He had felt broken by Jin, then. He was desperate for his affection, for his forgiveness; maybe Jin had realized, and come back to him, but it made Kazuya see clearly how Jin’s absence, or presence, had a bigger impact on his life than what was healthy. It made him back off, even more so when Jin left for the States.
Kazuya can still see his exhaustion in the promotional photos of the time, carefully concealed under layers of make-up but still evident to him. He had never weighed less. To his own eyes, that wide-eyed, drained mannequin is repulsive now; but then, he thought he didn’t have a choice. Jin could never love him the way he needed him to, so he turned to what he had left. His career. Eating, or sleeping, were never a priority.
The only important thing was keeping himself, and KAT-TUN, afloat.
And by the time Jin came back, Kazuya had painfully learned to stand on his own feet. He wasn’t ready for Jin to crush him to the ground again.
He was relieved when Jin left the band. He feels guilty for that, too, and broken-hearted, but the relief of not having to meet him so often anymore was overwhelming, more so than his desire to have him close.
The day it was announced Kazuya spent the whole morning watching the news-and bawling his heart out watching reruns of their old TV appearances which had been broadcasted after the press-conference. Jin had seemed so happy in the past. How could he simply not be anymore? Shouldn’t there have been a way to fix it, to make it right again?
But Kazuya was no fool. There wasn’t right or wrong. There was just an option to him, and that was to silently slip away from Jin and hope he wouldn’t realize it. He never thought things would get so ugly as to involve Johnny himself.
He watched those old clips, focused on Jin’s young, bright face, the adoring look in his eyes when he turned to Kazuya, and knew with absolute certainty he had fucked up every good thing they had in their relationship. He realized then, as he tried to remember the last time Jin had smiled to him like that, that Kazuya was entirely to blame. How many times had he pretended he couldn’t see Jin watching him? How many times had he focused on whoever was close to him at the moment, be it Koki, Yuichi, Tatsuya or Junno just to avoid Jin, just because he couldn’t handle his own feelings?
He knows Jin tried. Up until the moment he realized it really was hopeless, Jin had kept trying. He watched an old clip that same morning, Jin approaching him on the LIPS PV set, just to chat a bit probably-to reassure himself that Kazuya still paid a bit of attention to him at least. He watched himself as Jin talked; he never lifted his head to look at him, just mumbled some response, barely acknowledging him, as if he was mad, and it wasn’t fair. Kazuya knew that.
It had been right after one of many of Johnny’s warnings, almost a year before their relationship was severed completely.
He remembered the cameras rolling, and he felt cornered, didn’t want to show anything to the world, felt terrified that Johnny could actually think that Kazuya was being too friendly, and he backed off. In his mind, he kept repeating it’s better this way, it’s better this way, it’s better this way.
It really wasn’t. It hadn’t been for a long time.
But he couldn’t let himself go to pieces, either. He knew what came out of being friends with Jin, what suffering in silence brought him, and he couldn’t deal with it anymore. Was it bad of him that he had more self-preservation than that? That he had chosen himself over Jin?
It had been a hard blow to accept it. But now, now he was sure he had done the right thing for himself.
That didn’t stop the guilt, though.
He was different from Jin. Years of hard work shaped him into a good entertainer, but he had never had Jin’s confidence or talent. He loved, and loves KAT-TUN as Jin, as Akanishi did; maybe more. It’s his safety net; it was the only thing he felt he could do well, being an idol.
It’s not the case now; it’s his choice now. He loves his job, but for years, there had always been a little taunting voice in his head, whispering You’re not good enough.
And only thinking of defying Johnny to see Jin in secret was enough to make him violently ill, at the prospect of what could happen to them if someone found out. Of ending up on the streets unemployed, without a high school diploma, without any other skill.
For years, seeing the bad ratings of his dramas kept him awake at night, scared to death that Johnny would summon him to his office one day, saying he was done with show business.
But the years passed, and that old fear became at most an annoying reminder of everything he had sacrificed. If he had known earlier… if only he had realized earlier how much he would miss Jin.
There may be things that we need to overcome
Don't give up (don't give up)
No matter what comes our way, I’ll always be right by your side
He gets up lazily as the song fades toward the end. He briefly peeks through the blinds, checking the weather, surprisingly clear, then moves to the kitchen. He pads barefoot to the kitchen counter, busying himself with making coffee, trying to not think too much about Akanishi’s lyrics.
It’s not like he wrote them for you.
There was a time he had hoped, though. Hoped that “Care” was for him as “Kizuna” had been for Jin.
He feels restless, waiting for the coffee to be ready, and a small part of his mind is still on that song, on the choices he made in the past, on that stupid fear that always got in the way whenever Akanishi was concerned. Kazuya can’t help but being mad at him.
He’s the only person in his life holding so much influence over him. It would be comic, if it wasn’t so frightening. Kazuya never lets it get the best of him, is careful about thinking about Akanishi; he’s aware of how much he screwed up in the past over him, with him. He’s not about to forget, probably will never be.
He wishes he hadn’t been so weak.
The only consolation is that if Akanishi was undoubtedly aware of that power in the past, he surely isn’t now.
He wonders at times if he ever will be able to love someone so wholeheartedly again. If he will ever stop loving Jin the way he does now. He tries not to let the thought affect his life, but he doesn’t always manage.
He let Jin go thinking it would give him space to breathe. But some days he’d rather not breathe anymore, and have Jin’s friendship back.
He still has a life to be proud of; he loves his job more than he ever thought he would, and most of the times it’s enough. He likes that he’s good at what he does. He never thought he could before.
Kazuya is always friendly-at least, he does his best. He greets Akanishi every single time he meets him, whether by accident or with the guys; he makes small talk when necessary, also. But he never goes beyond that, he always makes sure to never tread on dangerous ground. It helps that with every casual, harmless word he forces out of his mouth Akanishi usually gets more and more pissed until he can’t take it anymore and storms off.
He has nothing left but the hope that one day Jin will be ready to forgive him.
He sits on the windowsill with the full mug in his hand, propping up his legs and taking in the city outside. His apartment is on the last floor of a small flat, however nothing obstructs his view in the small distance.
The sky is crystal clear, and he can watch people going to work from his position, kids going to school and the owner of the small grocery-shop opposite his window setting up his merchandise on the sidewalk. The sun filtering through the semi-open blinds burns his eyes so he closes them, and that gives him some peace at last. He lets the warmth enclose him, seeping under his skin and for a bit everything is quiet, soothing.
It’s nice for once not having to rush through his day, even though he got used fairly well to his busy life and isn’t one to complain.
As he did in the past, he accepts most of the work sent his way, almost never says no even though he has a choice now.
His job has always come before everything else. That’s how he survives; working hard would never betray him, never leave him with nothing. And in fact, it hasn’t. Of course, he doesn’t expect everyone to understand. And Jin-Akanishi never did.
Anyway, it’s fine now. He’s long come to terms with things he cannot have, and Akanishi Jin’s seal of approval is most definitely one of those.
Time to get out, to clear his head. A walk in the sun will do him good, never mind his cold. Kazuya drains his cup, puts it in the sink, then goes back to his bedroom to change. In ten minutes, he is outside with Ran and Jelly.
He has to take the best he can get.
He won’t expect anything more.
***
5th March, 2011
The club’s awesome. The music’s great and there are lots of people, but not so much you’d have trouble finding a table or a spot on the dance floor.
He thinks he’s never been happier to party the night away (or what’s left of it; after rehearsals and recording for Yokai Ningen Bem he barely managed to grab something to eat at a Seven Eleven before showing up here. Koki and Taguchi found out about the place and suggested to go take a look before it became so popular they wouldn’t be able to pass unnoticed, and Kazuya had happily agreed; he looked forward to a night out and he likes that for once Nakamaru and Ueda have shown up. Usually they aren’t big fans of the dance floor, both prefer a quiet night chatting in some upscale bar, and Kazuya’s glad he managed to convince them both. Not that they lack time all together; but outside of work, it’s a rare occurrence. Matching five schedules is hard enough, but the issue really is that they have different lives and interests outside of show business.
He’s ready to let go for a bit, and as soon as he’s on the dance floor he loses track of time. It’s easy. For a bit Koki dances next to him, quite close to a couple of pretty brunettes who seem to gladly return the attention, and Kazuya just sways to the music, moving without trying to impress, just happy to dance by himself. If someone tries to catch his attention, he doesn’t notice.
Time passes and for a while he’s aware of nothing but how good it is to let off some steam, to move a bit after spending a couple of days in bed with that stubborn fever. Sometimes he closes his eyes, and it’s nice to lose himself to the beat, listening to the mass of dancing people moving almost in sync with him; it’s like being part of a bigger organism, breathing and sweating and not caring one bit about how he looks. It feels liberating and pure exhilaration to just surrender himself.
He’s not looking for a partner tonight. He would, usually, but somehow today he doesn’t feel the need.
He starts when Koki touches his shoulder and inches closer to let him know he’s leaving. The two brunettes are right by his side and Kazuya has just about time to smirk knowingly before the other winks at him and moves away from the dance floor.
He takes a couple of deep breaths and decides to take a break. A brief glance at his wristwatch confirms it’s almost four in the morning; and in fact as he gets at their table they’re all already there, even Junno who usually stays on the dance floor until he’s about to keel over.
“Giving up already?” Junno smiles and shakes his head. “Nope. Just catching a breather.” then he leans in, whispers conspiratorially in his ear. “Did you see Koki leave?”
“Yeah. It seems he got lucky.”
“Can’t say the same about you, though.” Kazuya shrugs. In fact, his sudden aloofness is a bit strange but he can’t explain it to himself any more than he can explain it to Taguchi. One of the reasons he likes nightclubs is because it’s easier to find a girl, or a guy willing enough to leave together. The others have come to expect it and he doesn’t really know what’s gotten into him tonight. But, well. Maybe he’s still a bit tired from being sick.
He remembers how hard it was to pick up someone in the past. Not because he wasn’t confident, but because he felt terrified being discreet wouldn’t be enough to escape a possible scandal; after a while, though, he had learned to pick the right places, all of them did. Often a back door was the usual escape route, and they had learned to be careful with cab drivers, also. It became second nature to weave through those bumps in the road while getting what they wanted all the same. Funny how in time it became less scary than being close to Jin.
“I just didn’t feel like it. What about you?”
“Riina’s waiting for me.”
“Good for you then.” Kazuya sometimes wishes he found someone, too. He doesn’t know precisely how long has Junno’s relationship lasted, but he thinks it’s been a while. His smile must be a bit envious because suddenly Taguchi shoves him and laughs. “You look like a lost puppy! Cheer up, I’m sure you’ll find someone in this hell.”
Kazuya chuckles and nods; but inside, he wonders when picking up strangers became not enough.
Ueda and Nakamaru are ready to call it a night, also. They stand and Maru smiles, apologetic. “Sorry. I think we’ve had enough for tonight”. Ueda nods in agreement, and Kazuya and Junno say their goodbyes, waving back as the other two approach the doors and turn back one last time.
His gaze strays as Junno downs the rest of his beer and stands to get back to the dance floor. “You coming?” he shouts over the loud music, and Kazuya absently nods again. He gets looped back into the music again, and this is better than some meaningless one night stand, just submitting to the bass reverberating in his chest, under his skin, moving until his limbs are heavy as stones and he’s empty, void of any unpleasant thought.
He doesn’t have to think. The loud music ensures that. And it’s fun to dance next to Junno, both laughing when it becomes a competition on who can be sillier.
It’s well over five when Junno decides it’s time to leave. He luckily has the keys to Riina’s apartment so he’s not going to be scolded seriously when he gets home. Kazuya thinks he’ll get to snuggle to a warm, loving body and once again he feels restless, tense. He refuses the offer to share a cab, decides to stay a bit more, and in a couple of moments he’s alone.
It doesn’t feel bad, actually. The alcohol is a pleasant buzz under his skin but he’s not drunk, just a bit tipsy. One more drink can’t hurt him, he thinks. It will just make everything a bit softer, drive the anxiety away. He reaches the counter. He’s exhausted but he won’t have to work in the morning and it’s good not to have to worry about that, also.
As he waits for the bartender to serve him, he casts a look around. Not many people left anymore, and the deejay has left a while ago so it’s not long before he has another beer in front of him. He’ll finish this and get home, he decides. It’s been a good night. He let some steam out, and once he falls in his bed he won’t remember about Junno and his girlfriend, won’t think about people he can’t have. He’s just tired.
In the morning he’ll feel better for sure.
He takes a look around as he has a final gulp from the bottle. The music is still pleasant and the atmosphere is really nice. He’s definitely coming back, no buts. The sweat’s cooling down on his skin and he takes a relaxed breath while leaning on the counter. The beer tastes like heaven.
Then the girl sitting next to him turns, looks at him with a mildly pleased expression. She’s kind of pretty, dark hair and a sharp gaze, but it’s her attitude that makes her captivating.
Maybe it’s the fact that she’s not so openly flirtatious, but still manages to look interested without giving too much of herself away. Her body language says she’s willing, but won’t care too much either way and somehow it’s soothing, it calms his restlessness. There’s no pressure, it seems easy. And suddenly all the doubts he had disappear, he wonders ‘Why not?’, and that’s when he smiles, charmingly, because he still knows how to.
“May I help you?”
“Maybe.” she answers, teasingly.
In fact, it’s not hard at all. The girl’s lithe, with a short, cute hairdo and a very pretty mouth. It doesn’t take much to taste her cocktail on her lips, and it’s with a chuckle that she opens up to him and lets him inside.
There’s no need for names, no need for inane chatter. It’s perfect.
Not long after, they’re moving towards the exit.
He’s out of the door flagging a cab down when out of the corner of his eye he notices a familiar shape leaning heavily on the wall of the club. He’s a bit behind him, almost in the side alley, and his heart recognizes him at once.
He stares, and for a second he completely forgets he’s not alone. He’s at a loss. He’s not sure what he should do, at all. His heart screams for him to make sure he’s fine, but there’s been so much distance between them he knows the other won’t want him. And why’s he there alone?
He glances at the girl leaning on him, who’s looking quite puzzled at his sudden uncertainty. “Sorry,” he finds his voice uttering. “I can’t.” Her look’s searching, but she doesn’t seem angry, just put out and when she finally nods and gets in the cab in front of them she smiles. “Until next time.” She says, but he’s already turning back. His ears distantly register the sound of the car leaving, but his frantic heart is so loud that he can’t focus on anything else.
He’s two feet from him and the wall when he stops. “Jin.” He murmurs. Then he realizes, corrects himself. “Akanishi.” He calls, louder and suddenly unfocused, dumbfounded eyes are on him and he can’t hear his heart anymore. The other’s surprise doesn’t last more than a couple of blinks.
“What do you want?” the other's tone his cold, as usual, but Kazuya’s not sure that he has recognized him, until the other talks again.
“Fuck off, Kamenashi.”
He doesn’t know what to say. It was easy to fool himself into thinking the hatred would fade to quiet hostility someday, but Jin’s hard eyes now make it so, so difficult to believe. He hasn’t seen him in months and it’s heart-wrenching how much he missed him, even this hostile.
He’s still thinking about what to say when Jin leans against the wall, breathing heavily. Suddenly he crouches down, dry-heaves racking his body, and Kazuya stops thinking, places a tentative palm on Jin’s back. He must be feeling really bad because he doesn’t shake his hand off, but gradually his labored breathing slows and they stay there for a while, Jin’s wheezing painfully and Kazuya leaning over him, the palm warm in the middle of Jin’s shoulder blades.
It’s surreal. They both don’t talk, but he can feel Jin’s tense body relax slightly after a while and he can’t help drawing little circles with his thumb. He wonders how come he missed Jin in the club all night, but then he remembers being so focused on trying to release his own stress that he barely noticed time passing by. Who knows if Jin saw him before.
“Go away.” In the silence it sounds so abrupt, even if it was barely a fatigued whisper. Once again, Kazuya doesn’t know what to say.
“Please. Go away.” He sounds drained, exhausted. Kazuya has to fight against himself for a while; the need to run from the knowledge that Jin can’t stand to see him is almost overpowering, but in the end he steels himself. “No.” he says resolutely. “You can hate me all you want, I won’t leave you here.”
“I can manage. And I sure as hell don’t need your fucking pity.” Jin hisses, but Kazuya this time is not going to let him drive him away. He squats down at eye-level, eyes unmoving. “Listen. I can drag you kicking and screaming to a cab and take you home, and if I have to believe me, I will.” Jin’s wide-eyed, but completely silent. “But I’d rather not be with you on Friday’s first page tomorrow morning, and I don’t think you want that either. It’s a miracle in itself they haven’t taken pictures of us already, so quit being stupid.”
Jin meets his eyes squarely, and for a couple of seconds they don’t move. Kazuya lets him look, it’s not like it could be worse anyway. It’s with a rather painful thump in his chest that he receives Jin’s short nod, and immediately raises Jin’s hoodie over his head with one hand, helping him to stand up with the other arm.
They have to wait several minutes on the curb before a taxi passes by; it’s almost six in the morning and dawn’s fast approaching, not a soul is still out on the streets. Kazuya tries not to notice how Jin’s body warmth against him makes him feel, distracts himself thinking practically. He doesn’t like the idea of leaving Jin alone on his doorstep, and the thought prompts a glance in his direction.
Jin looks devastated. He can barely keep his eyes open, and sometimes he trembles in the crisp night air. He can tell he’s forcing himself to stay upright with all the strength he has left, but sometimes he sways a little into Kazuya’s side. “How are you feeling?” he chances.
“Fine.” The answer is clipped, strained.
“Yeah, be stubborn. That will help.” He can’t help but answer, suddenly annoyed by the pissy attitude. It’s a wonder that Jin still has enough energy to be disdainful.
Kazuya, of course, isn’t deigned of an answer, but it’s fine. After all this time he’s grown to expect it. The knowledge doesn’t make it hurt less.
A long drive later, Jin’s unwillingly napping against his shoulder, and Kazuya suddenly remembers Gokusen. That time, too, Jin had fallen asleep against him, but well, he doesn’t think now Jin will look as relaxed when he wakes up. Still he lets him, and busies himself looking at Tokyo go by. He tries not to remind himself that the quiet is only temporary; that as soon as he feels better, Jin will start to bitch and curse and yell at him and things will go back the way they were. But he’s failing.
The hurt that creeps in surprises him more than it should. You know how it’s gonna end, he scolds himself.
He remembers feeling like this when he got the part for the Gokusen movie, and realized Hayato in the script was nowhere to be seen. He should have expected it already, and he had; but it didn’t dilute the shock, or the pain. It felt like a part of his memories had been tainted by the awareness that in the future Ryu and Hayato weren’t meant to be together; that they had followed different paths and didn’t need each other anymore after all.
His gaze ghosts over Jin’s relaxed face, but he can’t really turn his head down to take a good look. Jin’s nestled against him so close, and looks so peaceful he has to glance away.
Breathe, he tells himself.
He feels like an idiot, trying to do the right thing. How much more sensible it would have been to drop Jin off at his place, be considerate but not totally stupid. What is he trying to accomplish anyway?
Distance’s the only solution, it has been for the longest time, and here he is taking Jin home. That stupid regret that’s been bothering him ever since he listened to Jin’s single on the radio is driving him nuts. It must be, because he can’t explain his own actions otherwise.
Then Jin’s arm slips loose around his waist and he has to take a couple of deep breaths. It’s a good thing that the driver doesn’t seem too interested, but somehow, he knows that even if he were, for the first time Kazuya can’t bring himself to care.
Nonetheless, they are almost arrived. Kazuya shakes him, lightly murmuring his name and immediately Jin’s eyes snap open. The connection between them is abruptly severed when Jin jolts, jerking away from him with accusing eyes, and Kazuya sighs, looking out the window.
He watches Jin slump against the seat out of the corner of his eyes, as soon as he thinks Kazuya’s attention has been diverted from him.
Kazuya drops his head against the window, and for a while the cold of the glass is soothing, it lets him think about what to do now. But for some reason, even if he knows he can’t expect anything different, he finds himself wishing he could believe that there was some reason why he and Jin met tonight.
When the cab stops in front of his apartment building and he pays the driver, he feels Jin’s unsettled gaze on him. He turns and when he realizes what’s in those vulnerable, tired eyes he has to force a breath in. Jin’s frightened.
He’s never seen it before, in all those years, every time he tried to approach Jin and all he saw and felt was contempt, and his own misery.
He was so focused on his pain, on his loss that he forgot Jin’s. He left Jin alone, he did. He could have all the reasons to do it but it wouldn’t change the truth. He had been abandoned by Kazuya, not the other way around and all the hate Kazuya thought Jin felt towards him was a mirror of his own misery.
“Let’s go.”
Jin’s heavy and it’s not easy to drag an almost uncooperative body through the elevator and along the corridor of his floor but somehow they manage. Jin doesn’t talk at all. Somehow Kazuya had expected him to at least complain about the fact he hadn’t left him at Jin’s own place, but the other seems to barely acknowledge him.
He leaves him on the couch, and Kazuya’s good at being pragmatic, therefore in a small while Jin’s tucked in a warm comforter, with a steaming cup of coffee in his hands, and the scent seems to sober him a bit at last. When he raises his eyes, his gaze is steady. “I don’t know why you did it, but thank you.”
“Are you feeling better?” I did it because I care; because I can’t stand to see you hurt, because I’m sorry. It’s so hard to say it, and it would be pointless anyway. The silence is deafening, broken only by Jin’s small sips of coffee.
“Kinda. I think I’d better go home.”
Kazuya’s heart drops in his lap. Stupid. Of course he’d want to go home.
“You can stay. I don’t mind.” There’s a small smile that’s quickly wiped away by Jin’s look.
“You don’t mind, huh?” And there’s a mirroring smile on Jin’s face that looks bitter, alien. “Why? What are you trying to do?” His voice is low, almost calm, but the look in his eyes is disbelieving.
“I’m not-“
“Why so thoughtful all of a sudden, then?” Jin doesn’t move an inch, just stares right into his eyes, looking for an answer.
“I’m sorry, I just…” Kazuya is ashamed that the truth is so hard to come out of his mouth. “I couldn’t leave you there. I thought about it, thought you’d surely wouldn’t want me to help you,” Jin snorts, mutters something that sounds suspiciously like “Damn right” under his breath, then his gaze is back. “But I couldn’t help it. It… nothing changed. When it’s you, I can’t help it.”
He is mortified to hear Jin laugh. It’s not cheerful, or pleased. It’s mocking.
“You can’t help being nasty?” he taunts. Kazuya just lowers his head. He’s got nothing to say that would make a difference, anyway.
“You can’t help playing with me…” he continues, but this time Kazuya raises his eyes, interrupting him. “It was cruel, and mean, what I did… but I never played with you. I just didn’t know how else to handle it. I’m sorry. God, Jin. I’m so sorry.” He’s horrified to hear his voice crack and he shuts up.
“Handle what?” He looks incredulous.
But this, this is one question he can’t answer without giving himself away.
Jin sighs. “You haven’t told me the truth in a long time.” He mumbles. “Can’t expect you to start now.”
Kazuya doesn’t say anything.
“I must be going nuts.” Jin shakes his head, apparently at himself, and Kazuya thinks he’d do anything to know what he’s thinking.
“I’d like to stay.” He says then, and Kazuya blinks, surprised, before a small, relieved smile tears out of him. All the tension flows slowly out of his limbs, and it’s suddenly much easier to breathe.
“Stay.”