10 bucks says you dont have it in you..
Wow, its been awhile since I've written. The weather is changing and I'm so excited. I love this time of year and all the good things that follow. I love scarfs and cuddling and football games and watching the leaves change and making fires and drinking hot chocolate. Its the best feeling in the world and you know that everything is going to be ok. sighhhhhhh.
Although I love this time of year, none of my family holidays will be the same this year, I still try to remember the good times and all the fun I've had over the years. Opening presents at my grandparents house with my uncles getting gag gift toilet paper with comics on them. My grandfather *RIP* sitting in his chair with a silly hat on just laughing at everything going on. My aunt Jen *RIP* decorating the house like a nut with tons and tons of Christmas decorations. You name it, it was either on the house, roof, driveway, mailbox, in the yard, etc. It was crazy and I miss those times so bad. Everyone keeps saying they can't wait for Christmas but I can. This year is going to be really hard and I don't know how myself mom sister uncles are going to get through it. It just hurts..
So yeah things worked out with my scholarship. I had a meeting with the Dean and he said he would take care of it. As he promised, I got my scholarship and I'm back to feeling ok about school. It just gave me this awful feeling in my stomach and heart knowing something so silly could affect what I'm doing with my life. Yeah its the STARS program but its special to me. I guess because I've worked so hard in my schooling and I just think its so important. I'm a nerd, yes I'll admit, but its how I've always been. I cant really explain it but its something I've always dreamed about doing. I've wanted a good job and a nice house and a feeling of success. It would just feel so nice..
So pumpkin patching it up this year! I hope to god its not a rainy fall because that would be awful. Don't get me wrong I love the rain. The sound, the feeling, everything. But sometimes it makes me so depressed. I just want to be alone, in a dark room and not be bothered with anyone. Maybe its something I have to work out or maybe its just because of all the stuff on my mind lately. I don't know anymore. Things are always up and down with me. Sometimes I think I'm bipolar and I know its not something to joke about but I'm serious. I can go days without being happy and just want to be left alone. I love my friends and all but I guess something just inside of me says no, today is a bad day and you hate the world. You hate everything about your life and need to do something about it. I don't like talking to people about it because they probably just think I'm weird. Yeah its true. Whatever..
"I know nothing romantic will happen this fall... but that doesn't mean I can't dream, right? There wont be any cuddling and catching the occasional kiss in the football stands. No hay rides or pumpkins or handing out candy together on Halloween. No long walks bundled up, no hiking (because my body would kill me), no candle lit dinners in cute little resturants overlooking water. No lazy days on canoes in the middle of secluded lakes. No long drives through the country sides just to look at the leaves changing colors. No hot chocolate and cuddling in front of a fire/favorite movie. No jumping in piles of leaves. No kissing and holding and feeling the wind swirl around you. No holding hands and walking and watching the leaves scatter. No pretty sunsets seen from speeding cars. No nights spent lying on the hood of a car watching the constellations and our breaths."
That was stolen from someone and it just fits my mood right now. There is nothing special in my life and I have a feeling its going to be that way for a long time. I've gone through relationships and either something about me or the relationship itself just dies. I don't know what it is but I don't think I'll ever find love. I mean yeah theres the occassional obsession or heart throb. But honestly thats not going to get me through my life. If I'm alone I think right now I can be fine with that. But everyone should have someone. And maybe I still haven't found that person. I can only hope thats the reason. And maybe I don't have a positive outlook but how can I be with things like that to think about. Its going to be a long season but I'll try to make it. Its all I can do..
Lately all I've been thinking about is my aunt. I guess maybe the weather has me thinking alot but what else can I do. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her smile, her sense of humor, being able to call her and talk about this band or that, going to the mall with her, hanging out with her, laughing with her, asking her opinions about this or that, everything. It's just not the same and everytime I think about calling her for things I just like ugh what the fuck am I doing to myself. My sister and I have become a lot closer too so I don't think that helps. I mean I'm glad that we are closer now because god do I love her. If something were to happen to her I would never be the same. But my aunt was like my older sister and everything she did for me was unexplainable. My heart is just torn lately because I'm closer with my sister now and I just miss it so much. And I see other sisters together, loving eachother, and I know I will never be that way with my aunt again. ASDLKJ..
Well I guess I ranted enough for now. I'm going to go think some more (even though its probably not a good idea) and head to bed.
ps- I've been listening to this song constantly and right now it describes my life to a t.
when you try your best
but you dont succeed
when you get what you want
but not what you need
when you feel so tired
but you cant sleep
s t u c k i n r e v e r s e
and the tears come streaming
down your face
when you lose something
you cant replace
when you love someone
but it goes to waste
c o u l d i t b e w o r s e ?
[i will try to fix you.]
Although I love this time of year, none of my family holidays will be the same this year, I still try to remember the good times and all the fun I've had over the years. Opening presents at my grandparents house with my uncles getting gag gift toilet paper with comics on them. My grandfather *RIP* sitting in his chair with a silly hat on just laughing at everything going on. My aunt Jen *RIP* decorating the house like a nut with tons and tons of Christmas decorations. You name it, it was either on the house, roof, driveway, mailbox, in the yard, etc. It was crazy and I miss those times so bad. Everyone keeps saying they can't wait for Christmas but I can. This year is going to be really hard and I don't know how myself mom sister uncles are going to get through it. It just hurts..
So yeah things worked out with my scholarship. I had a meeting with the Dean and he said he would take care of it. As he promised, I got my scholarship and I'm back to feeling ok about school. It just gave me this awful feeling in my stomach and heart knowing something so silly could affect what I'm doing with my life. Yeah its the STARS program but its special to me. I guess because I've worked so hard in my schooling and I just think its so important. I'm a nerd, yes I'll admit, but its how I've always been. I cant really explain it but its something I've always dreamed about doing. I've wanted a good job and a nice house and a feeling of success. It would just feel so nice..
So pumpkin patching it up this year! I hope to god its not a rainy fall because that would be awful. Don't get me wrong I love the rain. The sound, the feeling, everything. But sometimes it makes me so depressed. I just want to be alone, in a dark room and not be bothered with anyone. Maybe its something I have to work out or maybe its just because of all the stuff on my mind lately. I don't know anymore. Things are always up and down with me. Sometimes I think I'm bipolar and I know its not something to joke about but I'm serious. I can go days without being happy and just want to be left alone. I love my friends and all but I guess something just inside of me says no, today is a bad day and you hate the world. You hate everything about your life and need to do something about it. I don't like talking to people about it because they probably just think I'm weird. Yeah its true. Whatever..
"I know nothing romantic will happen this fall... but that doesn't mean I can't dream, right? There wont be any cuddling and catching the occasional kiss in the football stands. No hay rides or pumpkins or handing out candy together on Halloween. No long walks bundled up, no hiking (because my body would kill me), no candle lit dinners in cute little resturants overlooking water. No lazy days on canoes in the middle of secluded lakes. No long drives through the country sides just to look at the leaves changing colors. No hot chocolate and cuddling in front of a fire/favorite movie. No jumping in piles of leaves. No kissing and holding and feeling the wind swirl around you. No holding hands and walking and watching the leaves scatter. No pretty sunsets seen from speeding cars. No nights spent lying on the hood of a car watching the constellations and our breaths."
That was stolen from someone and it just fits my mood right now. There is nothing special in my life and I have a feeling its going to be that way for a long time. I've gone through relationships and either something about me or the relationship itself just dies. I don't know what it is but I don't think I'll ever find love. I mean yeah theres the occassional obsession or heart throb. But honestly thats not going to get me through my life. If I'm alone I think right now I can be fine with that. But everyone should have someone. And maybe I still haven't found that person. I can only hope thats the reason. And maybe I don't have a positive outlook but how can I be with things like that to think about. Its going to be a long season but I'll try to make it. Its all I can do..
Lately all I've been thinking about is my aunt. I guess maybe the weather has me thinking alot but what else can I do. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her smile, her sense of humor, being able to call her and talk about this band or that, going to the mall with her, hanging out with her, laughing with her, asking her opinions about this or that, everything. It's just not the same and everytime I think about calling her for things I just like ugh what the fuck am I doing to myself. My sister and I have become a lot closer too so I don't think that helps. I mean I'm glad that we are closer now because god do I love her. If something were to happen to her I would never be the same. But my aunt was like my older sister and everything she did for me was unexplainable. My heart is just torn lately because I'm closer with my sister now and I just miss it so much. And I see other sisters together, loving eachother, and I know I will never be that way with my aunt again. ASDLKJ..
Well I guess I ranted enough for now. I'm going to go think some more (even though its probably not a good idea) and head to bed.
ps- I've been listening to this song constantly and right now it describes my life to a t.
when you try your best
but you dont succeed
when you get what you want
but not what you need
when you feel so tired
but you cant sleep
s t u c k i n r e v e r s e
and the tears come streaming
down your face
when you lose something
you cant replace
when you love someone
but it goes to waste
c o u l d i t b e w o r s e ?
[i will try to fix you.]