Life
Ok. I am ready to talk. I must give forewarning, it is not going to be pretty. So don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
Over the past six almost seven moths I have been weighed down with a heavy heart. I met a person I really thought I would enjoy getting to know. And I did. We spent a lot of time together and we really started to build a great friendship. Somewhere near the beginning, I started to have feelings for him and this began to pull and tug at my heart. It has been a very long time since someone has been able to make me smile and love life again. Let me tell you a long fucking time. After Brett, I though there would never be a time my heart would jump every time I hear the phone. Nevertheless, I did and it made me crazy, mad and I love every second of it. Every moment we spent together was filled with laughter, good conversation and hope. Hope that the next day will go better and will bring great new possibilities. We played games, watched movies, eat great food, really just enjoyed each other’s company. What more could I ask for? Him, I was slowly and painfully falling for this man, this friend. Everything about him is exactly what I wanted. Strong and caring, protective and sensible, fun loving and kind hearted, beautiful inside and out. There is not a thing about him that does intrigue me . Strangers would ask how long we had been together or would tell us how nice it is to see two people so good for each other. Then he went away. For months I had very little contact. Now I have a little info that he may have been with a girl, don’t officially know, but it adds up from what info I have been given. Talk about pain. Not even worth a phone call but a stranger can learn intimate things about him. Then Bam!!! We are back to our old ways, like nothing had ever happened. I think that is when I fell in love with him. We spent everyday together and every moment I loved him even more than the last. I found myself in a dark warm place I had not seen in years. So inviting, numbing… So I began to struggle with myself and what I was going to do about it. I was told over and over again by his friends to be patient and wait, but now I was questioning if it was really about a lesson of patience or was my fear winning over. I agonized over this for quite a long time and I finally came to a conclusion, it was fear. I remember one of our conversations he told me the worst thing someone could say or do to him would be to tell him they were afraid of him. I think of that know that I have separated the patients and fear question. I will not hurt him by being afraid. I will be honest and the good kind, loving person I am. So now that I have decided this he is pulling away. Like all this in my life I am not meant to have a most beautiful gift. I do not get the dream and wish I have been asking for. I get a silent phone and empty heart. I knew this was going to be painful, but I was hoping for once I could have that happy ending I have never had. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. Perhaps I am meant to have things forever ripped out of my life. Perhaps I will always be that five year old girl hoping her daddy tells her how wonderful she is, but instead only hears to disappointment in his voice about the inadequacies I possess. Forever plagued by the reoccurring theme.
Over the past six almost seven moths I have been weighed down with a heavy heart. I met a person I really thought I would enjoy getting to know. And I did. We spent a lot of time together and we really started to build a great friendship. Somewhere near the beginning, I started to have feelings for him and this began to pull and tug at my heart. It has been a very long time since someone has been able to make me smile and love life again. Let me tell you a long fucking time. After Brett, I though there would never be a time my heart would jump every time I hear the phone. Nevertheless, I did and it made me crazy, mad and I love every second of it. Every moment we spent together was filled with laughter, good conversation and hope. Hope that the next day will go better and will bring great new possibilities. We played games, watched movies, eat great food, really just enjoyed each other’s company. What more could I ask for? Him, I was slowly and painfully falling for this man, this friend. Everything about him is exactly what I wanted. Strong and caring, protective and sensible, fun loving and kind hearted, beautiful inside and out. There is not a thing about him that does intrigue me . Strangers would ask how long we had been together or would tell us how nice it is to see two people so good for each other. Then he went away. For months I had very little contact. Now I have a little info that he may have been with a girl, don’t officially know, but it adds up from what info I have been given. Talk about pain. Not even worth a phone call but a stranger can learn intimate things about him. Then Bam!!! We are back to our old ways, like nothing had ever happened. I think that is when I fell in love with him. We spent everyday together and every moment I loved him even more than the last. I found myself in a dark warm place I had not seen in years. So inviting, numbing… So I began to struggle with myself and what I was going to do about it. I was told over and over again by his friends to be patient and wait, but now I was questioning if it was really about a lesson of patience or was my fear winning over. I agonized over this for quite a long time and I finally came to a conclusion, it was fear. I remember one of our conversations he told me the worst thing someone could say or do to him would be to tell him they were afraid of him. I think of that know that I have separated the patients and fear question. I will not hurt him by being afraid. I will be honest and the good kind, loving person I am. So now that I have decided this he is pulling away. Like all this in my life I am not meant to have a most beautiful gift. I do not get the dream and wish I have been asking for. I get a silent phone and empty heart. I knew this was going to be painful, but I was hoping for once I could have that happy ending I have never had. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. Perhaps I am meant to have things forever ripped out of my life. Perhaps I will always be that five year old girl hoping her daddy tells her how wonderful she is, but instead only hears to disappointment in his voice about the inadequacies I possess. Forever plagued by the reoccurring theme.