A story about me
I usually don’t subscribe to the notion of passenger in life’s journey, but I think I will have to adjust my philosophy. Maybe we are the drivers in our life, but as soon as someone else is involved we have the opportunity to sit elsewhere in the car. This sound great and probably a welcome change for some, however, I am not so sure how much I like it. I normally do not get motion sickness, but…
You see, I am a person who likes their control. That is not to be mistaken for liking control. I do not necessarily like to control others, just myself. There was a time in my past where I could be controlled by anyone. In fact, I was. My ex was very controlling and abusive. I thought he loved me and I him. Looking back, I do not doubt our feelings. I do, however, doubt the “heath” of our relationship. When there is a person telling you that no one else will ever want you. You are not worth the trouble you cause, your ugly, fat, stupid, uncommitted, not driven, going nowhere, did I mention ugly? Not to mention the verbal and physical abuse. Oh then there was the drug/alcohol abuse and being second to his habits. Ya, it was a great relationship. Why did I stick around. Because I loooooved him, he looooved me. There would never be anyone else and I was terrified of growing old and having nobody by my side. At the time our relationship was better than the alternative of being alone. I gained a lot of weight (which added to the lack of self esteem) and lost most of my friends. I was at a real low point.
I remember one night, he had been drinking (surprise), and we got into a fight. He through me into the wall, broke one of my phone, choked me, and had the cops called on him by the neighbors (not in that order, the cops came first). He had been released into my custody when he flipped out and did all the other things. Then he shut himself ito the second bedroom. I then decided to call 911 and have the police come back. However, during the phone call I got the feeling something was going really wrong. I tried to open the door, but it was blocked. I told the dispatch I could not get in. They told me to leave him there and leave him alone till they got there. But just like me I could not let it go, something was wrong. The door finally released and I scooted in. I found him by the door with a plastic cord wrapped around him neck. He had hanged himself in my room.
I was terrified, he was not breathing. I did not know CRP. I told dispatch what was happening and got off the phone. I unwrapped his neck and he slumped to the floor, unconscious and not breathing. He was much to big for me to pick up and move ( 6’5” and probably 230-250 lbs at the time) he was all dead weight. I started to bang on his chest. I was crying and it was the only thing I could think of. I must start his heart. It seemed like hours, I was calling his name and pounding his chest. He finally took a gasp of air and rolled his eyes in my direction. He said ‘Just let me die. Just let me die.’ I was still crying when the cops ran in.
They got him to his feet and started questioning him. They went through the room and found his pot. The whole time he stood at attention. ‘Yes, sir. No, Sir,’ he would answer. You see had singed up for the navy and was to be shipped out in about a month. The paramedics finally got there and checked him out. The cops then told them they could leave; they would be taking him in. So they did.
This was very early in the morning, I would say about 3 or 4. Around 9 am I got a call from the jail. He wanted to know what the hell I was thinking. He could not believe his own girlfriend had him arrested. He was so mad at me. He told me to call his mom to tell her where he was. I told him I would. Later that day he called me to come pick him up. The whole time telling me what a horrible person I was and how he was real pissed that I had him arrested.
This is just one of the situations my ex and I had. But I’ll tell you what, it is one of the most traumatic episodes. The next was when we had gotten into a huge fight and he slapped at me. I told him the next time he did that he better fucking hit me and not just swing. So he did. I lunged at him and bit (left a huge bruise). He then proceeded to choke me and push me into the couch, head down.
Then there was the night after night of sex. I know, doesn’t sound bad. The thing was though, I did not want to. I told him no, repeatedly. Every night it was the same thing, and every night I finally gave in. I mean, that is what a girlfriend/fiancé does right. It does not matter that it hurt. It did not matter that I said no. I did not matter that he would get off and then roll over, leaving me to the screams in my head. It did not matter that tears were flowing down my cheeks, or I would choke while giving him head (due to the muscles quivering from the tears). This was my job. So I gave in.
Yeah, so I have control issues. However, I know that (now at least) I had options. I could have done many things different. Do I think he is a bad person? No. Do I think he was young and made bad decisions? Yes. I was just as young and made just as bad decisions. My issues lie in the unknown. If I know what is going on I am ok. I can make informed decisions about my surroundings. I have the power, I have the information, I make My own choices. But the only includes me. I only have control over me. I do not regret my past and I do not hate him for our’s. Since then I have had failed relationships, failed jobs, and failed friendships. I have made poor choices leading to bad consequences. And I still am. Yet deep down I know I am only human and that each horrible situation will lead me in the direction of a great and wonderful experience. If nothing else I can claim ‘I won’t do that again.’ And lets face it that is wonderful.
Right now my life is not even close to where I thought it would be, but that is ok. I have opportunities now I may have never been privy to before or if I had made different choices. I like my saying (I know a bit narcissistic, but hey if it works…) If I believe that making a different choice could have resulted in better or greater things, I must also accept that thing could have turned out the exact opposite.
I know I am a good person. I am kind and loving. I have great things to offer. I am smart and have a sense of humor. I can be feisty and opinionated. I have dreams and goals, but am also able to accept that they may change and there is nothing wrong with that. I am a good friend and no one wants me as an enemy. I am protective of my friends and family. I love nature, and good company. I can be patient (when I want) and understanding. I am empathetic. I know I will make a great wife, mother, and friend. I know that my past has helped create the person I am today. And, that, has turned out well so far.
The people I choose to be in my life are those I feel to have the same qualities. They are the mirror in the morning. Some may make bad decisions, but they are not bad people.
That is but a small chapter in my life. It does not define me. Not even the results. I define me. I make that decision. Consequences, good or bad, do not define me. My actions do. And if I have to spend the rest of my life picking up glass because I chose what I believe to be the best path, then so be it. I will not let things I have no control over define and decide my life. You see I only have control over my actions and reactions. I am not responsible for how other act and react to me.
It is learning this lesson that allows me to sit in the passenger seat. That is because when there are two people involved sometimes it is their turn to drive. Sometimes we find ourselves on some other person’s journey. This is when we can sit back and keep them awake on the drive.
You see, I am a person who likes their control. That is not to be mistaken for liking control. I do not necessarily like to control others, just myself. There was a time in my past where I could be controlled by anyone. In fact, I was. My ex was very controlling and abusive. I thought he loved me and I him. Looking back, I do not doubt our feelings. I do, however, doubt the “heath” of our relationship. When there is a person telling you that no one else will ever want you. You are not worth the trouble you cause, your ugly, fat, stupid, uncommitted, not driven, going nowhere, did I mention ugly? Not to mention the verbal and physical abuse. Oh then there was the drug/alcohol abuse and being second to his habits. Ya, it was a great relationship. Why did I stick around. Because I loooooved him, he looooved me. There would never be anyone else and I was terrified of growing old and having nobody by my side. At the time our relationship was better than the alternative of being alone. I gained a lot of weight (which added to the lack of self esteem) and lost most of my friends. I was at a real low point.
I remember one night, he had been drinking (surprise), and we got into a fight. He through me into the wall, broke one of my phone, choked me, and had the cops called on him by the neighbors (not in that order, the cops came first). He had been released into my custody when he flipped out and did all the other things. Then he shut himself ito the second bedroom. I then decided to call 911 and have the police come back. However, during the phone call I got the feeling something was going really wrong. I tried to open the door, but it was blocked. I told the dispatch I could not get in. They told me to leave him there and leave him alone till they got there. But just like me I could not let it go, something was wrong. The door finally released and I scooted in. I found him by the door with a plastic cord wrapped around him neck. He had hanged himself in my room.
I was terrified, he was not breathing. I did not know CRP. I told dispatch what was happening and got off the phone. I unwrapped his neck and he slumped to the floor, unconscious and not breathing. He was much to big for me to pick up and move ( 6’5” and probably 230-250 lbs at the time) he was all dead weight. I started to bang on his chest. I was crying and it was the only thing I could think of. I must start his heart. It seemed like hours, I was calling his name and pounding his chest. He finally took a gasp of air and rolled his eyes in my direction. He said ‘Just let me die. Just let me die.’ I was still crying when the cops ran in.
They got him to his feet and started questioning him. They went through the room and found his pot. The whole time he stood at attention. ‘Yes, sir. No, Sir,’ he would answer. You see had singed up for the navy and was to be shipped out in about a month. The paramedics finally got there and checked him out. The cops then told them they could leave; they would be taking him in. So they did.
This was very early in the morning, I would say about 3 or 4. Around 9 am I got a call from the jail. He wanted to know what the hell I was thinking. He could not believe his own girlfriend had him arrested. He was so mad at me. He told me to call his mom to tell her where he was. I told him I would. Later that day he called me to come pick him up. The whole time telling me what a horrible person I was and how he was real pissed that I had him arrested.
This is just one of the situations my ex and I had. But I’ll tell you what, it is one of the most traumatic episodes. The next was when we had gotten into a huge fight and he slapped at me. I told him the next time he did that he better fucking hit me and not just swing. So he did. I lunged at him and bit (left a huge bruise). He then proceeded to choke me and push me into the couch, head down.
Then there was the night after night of sex. I know, doesn’t sound bad. The thing was though, I did not want to. I told him no, repeatedly. Every night it was the same thing, and every night I finally gave in. I mean, that is what a girlfriend/fiancé does right. It does not matter that it hurt. It did not matter that I said no. I did not matter that he would get off and then roll over, leaving me to the screams in my head. It did not matter that tears were flowing down my cheeks, or I would choke while giving him head (due to the muscles quivering from the tears). This was my job. So I gave in.
Yeah, so I have control issues. However, I know that (now at least) I had options. I could have done many things different. Do I think he is a bad person? No. Do I think he was young and made bad decisions? Yes. I was just as young and made just as bad decisions. My issues lie in the unknown. If I know what is going on I am ok. I can make informed decisions about my surroundings. I have the power, I have the information, I make My own choices. But the only includes me. I only have control over me. I do not regret my past and I do not hate him for our’s. Since then I have had failed relationships, failed jobs, and failed friendships. I have made poor choices leading to bad consequences. And I still am. Yet deep down I know I am only human and that each horrible situation will lead me in the direction of a great and wonderful experience. If nothing else I can claim ‘I won’t do that again.’ And lets face it that is wonderful.
Right now my life is not even close to where I thought it would be, but that is ok. I have opportunities now I may have never been privy to before or if I had made different choices. I like my saying (I know a bit narcissistic, but hey if it works…) If I believe that making a different choice could have resulted in better or greater things, I must also accept that thing could have turned out the exact opposite.
I know I am a good person. I am kind and loving. I have great things to offer. I am smart and have a sense of humor. I can be feisty and opinionated. I have dreams and goals, but am also able to accept that they may change and there is nothing wrong with that. I am a good friend and no one wants me as an enemy. I am protective of my friends and family. I love nature, and good company. I can be patient (when I want) and understanding. I am empathetic. I know I will make a great wife, mother, and friend. I know that my past has helped create the person I am today. And, that, has turned out well so far.
The people I choose to be in my life are those I feel to have the same qualities. They are the mirror in the morning. Some may make bad decisions, but they are not bad people.
That is but a small chapter in my life. It does not define me. Not even the results. I define me. I make that decision. Consequences, good or bad, do not define me. My actions do. And if I have to spend the rest of my life picking up glass because I chose what I believe to be the best path, then so be it. I will not let things I have no control over define and decide my life. You see I only have control over my actions and reactions. I am not responsible for how other act and react to me.
It is learning this lesson that allows me to sit in the passenger seat. That is because when there are two people involved sometimes it is their turn to drive. Sometimes we find ourselves on some other person’s journey. This is when we can sit back and keep them awake on the drive.