(no subject)
This is going to be very difficult for me to put into words. There may be some confusion, non linear thinking as I need to get things out. I apologize fo that, but then again, this is my journal and you are reading it.
First, I am choosing to share this here because I suck at interpersonal relations. I really do. How many of you have actually seen me in the last few years? I mean sure, you've seen pictures of me on FB. However, many of you have not seen me in eons. There are many reasons for it. For one, I have a hard time reaching out to people. I have quite a few self-esteem issues where it makes it very difficult for me to be the initiator of contact with people. I rarely call, email, text or whatever unless someone contacts me first. I believe I have made progress in this, but the fact is because I feel that I haven't seen people in eons that they wouldn't want to hear from me and that it would be an imposition to try and hang out with them. Add to this that I don't know most people's contact information other than online which makes me sad.
I always keept people at an arms length and for that reason have very few friends. However, the friends I do have I think the world of and I am not sure they know that. Once again, I don't call them as much or even contact them because they are busy with their own lives and I feel like I would be intruding. It's my issue. I know it's not mentally sound, but it is my perception and that makes it real to me. I know many would say you don't know until you try. Or, just call. The worst they could say is that they are busy. I know this, but it's really hard to get over that hump. Many of my closest friends have their own issues and I feel that mine are trivial and I don't wish to impose and dump on them when they are already dealing with so much.
For all the above mentioned reasons, I am left feeling rather alone. I know it's my own doing. I know it's only up to me to change it. I know I have to get out there more and put myself out there more, however my self-preservation mentality makes it very difficult.
That being the case, if you think you may want to hear from me or even grab a coffee with me or dinner sometime, you can let me know and I can share my number, email or whatever.... or you can give me your contact info and I'm going to try and get past my issues and contact you to make some sort of plans.
I pulled away from so many things because I needed to work on me. Well, I have worked on me and made significant progress in many areas of my life. There are others that are lacking.
I start to ask myself if I am truely happy.
I've been with Nigel for almost 4 years. I believe I am happy. I think I am happy. Most days I am happy. Sure, there are days where I question things and get scared. Overall, we're happy with the day to day things. We get along really well and love each other very much. However, I know there is an underlying layer of hesitation. There are so many issues that we've dealt with over the 4 years we've been together. That's a lot of history and sometimes history can hold people back from moving forward. I believe I can let go, but can he?
The history isn't all bad stuff, but much of it is heavy stuff. For one, I do have confidence issues as mentioned above. I have grown and become better at being confident and beleiving in myself in the last few years. However, when Nigel and I first started dating I was an insecure ball of emotion. He had a lot to deal with and that could be very draining. The issues with the CMT were and are always there. It's not that easy to acknowledge that there are fears about it. Overcoming many of the fears regarding the CMT was draining. I'd pull away, he'd pull away, but we'd always manage to overcome.
Recently we had a bit of a breakdown and admissions of fears and uncertainty about things. It's hard to deal with. We're trying and the thing is I am not sure where we will end up. Feeling this way after being with someone for 4 years is hard. You start to question the rational and the reasoning behind actions. Having to evaluate these things can be scary.
I don't know that I want to walk away or that he does either. The love we have is very deep, but is it enough? I mean, he wants to make me happy and I want to make him happy. I wonder if we're tired of having to deal with these big huge issuses such as the CMT for one. We know what the risks are. I thought we were ready to tackle them. I just don't know if there is enough juice left and that scares me. See, I'm 35... soon to be 36. I hear that biological clock ticking. I know he can hear it. I feel like it's this looming albatross. I look around me and see people that swore never to do the whole "marriage and kids" thing doing it. Here I am still waiting. I ask myself how long can I wait? Is it worth the wait? Should I let him off the hook?
I don't know that I want to walk away from what I have, yet at the same time I question if I am being fair. I also am scared of loosing him. I also am scared of having to start this all over again with someone new, I'm too tired and too worn out to do this again. I do love him and I do want to make him happy and what scares me most is that maybe letting someone I love with all my heart go is the best thing I can do for everyone.
The uncertainty is the most difficult thing. I know that nothing is 100%. Persons who don't have CMT as part of a relationship have similar worries and uncertainty about the future. Being with someone is a leap of faith. Having kids with them is an even bigger leap of faith. I think that the uncertainty has held us back in some ways. I know that he and I have talked about getting a house and we'd start looking and then stop due to all sorts of reasons be it work, finances, etc. So, that being said, meant that I didn't fully invest myself in doing things outside of the house. I didn't want to commit to doing activities in this end of the city. I didn't want to register for classes or events because I didn't want to have to treck out here if we did finally move to the west end as we had discussed and intended.
I lost part of myself there. I lost myself in the fact that I stopped doing things for me because I was too concerned about the logistics of location. Perhaps that is an unattractive trait? Perhaps Nigel seeing me do that and giving up parts of myself could be reason for him to worry. He has suggested I get a hobby or go out with my friends more. Well, again, I tried... but, always hid behind the excuse that the commute is long and that the uncertainty of where we will be in a few months, living wise. I really have to stop doing that. I have already taken steps to change that with signing up for bellydancing and trying to get out more and reconnect and make new friends. I'm not very good at making friends and I've mentioned that time and time again. That was not a comment intended for pitty, but just a simple fact. I know I am a great friend when I trust someone, but the hard part is getting to the point of trusting them and being confident enough to let them in and call them etc.
Both Nigel and my life are so intertwined now after living with each other. I am not sure I am strong enough to sever things and pull them appart if it ever came to that. We're working through all of this and the uncertainty is utterly scaring the bejeezus out of me. However, I love him and want to figure all this out.... together. Both he and I are working on it.... together. I do need someone to talk to and the perspective of people that have been through relationships. I need people to talk to and to just get out and not talk about things too and laugh.
So, yeah, that's a long one.
First, I am choosing to share this here because I suck at interpersonal relations. I really do. How many of you have actually seen me in the last few years? I mean sure, you've seen pictures of me on FB. However, many of you have not seen me in eons. There are many reasons for it. For one, I have a hard time reaching out to people. I have quite a few self-esteem issues where it makes it very difficult for me to be the initiator of contact with people. I rarely call, email, text or whatever unless someone contacts me first. I believe I have made progress in this, but the fact is because I feel that I haven't seen people in eons that they wouldn't want to hear from me and that it would be an imposition to try and hang out with them. Add to this that I don't know most people's contact information other than online which makes me sad.
I always keept people at an arms length and for that reason have very few friends. However, the friends I do have I think the world of and I am not sure they know that. Once again, I don't call them as much or even contact them because they are busy with their own lives and I feel like I would be intruding. It's my issue. I know it's not mentally sound, but it is my perception and that makes it real to me. I know many would say you don't know until you try. Or, just call. The worst they could say is that they are busy. I know this, but it's really hard to get over that hump. Many of my closest friends have their own issues and I feel that mine are trivial and I don't wish to impose and dump on them when they are already dealing with so much.
For all the above mentioned reasons, I am left feeling rather alone. I know it's my own doing. I know it's only up to me to change it. I know I have to get out there more and put myself out there more, however my self-preservation mentality makes it very difficult.
That being the case, if you think you may want to hear from me or even grab a coffee with me or dinner sometime, you can let me know and I can share my number, email or whatever.... or you can give me your contact info and I'm going to try and get past my issues and contact you to make some sort of plans.
I pulled away from so many things because I needed to work on me. Well, I have worked on me and made significant progress in many areas of my life. There are others that are lacking.
I start to ask myself if I am truely happy.
I've been with Nigel for almost 4 years. I believe I am happy. I think I am happy. Most days I am happy. Sure, there are days where I question things and get scared. Overall, we're happy with the day to day things. We get along really well and love each other very much. However, I know there is an underlying layer of hesitation. There are so many issues that we've dealt with over the 4 years we've been together. That's a lot of history and sometimes history can hold people back from moving forward. I believe I can let go, but can he?
The history isn't all bad stuff, but much of it is heavy stuff. For one, I do have confidence issues as mentioned above. I have grown and become better at being confident and beleiving in myself in the last few years. However, when Nigel and I first started dating I was an insecure ball of emotion. He had a lot to deal with and that could be very draining. The issues with the CMT were and are always there. It's not that easy to acknowledge that there are fears about it. Overcoming many of the fears regarding the CMT was draining. I'd pull away, he'd pull away, but we'd always manage to overcome.
Recently we had a bit of a breakdown and admissions of fears and uncertainty about things. It's hard to deal with. We're trying and the thing is I am not sure where we will end up. Feeling this way after being with someone for 4 years is hard. You start to question the rational and the reasoning behind actions. Having to evaluate these things can be scary.
I don't know that I want to walk away or that he does either. The love we have is very deep, but is it enough? I mean, he wants to make me happy and I want to make him happy. I wonder if we're tired of having to deal with these big huge issuses such as the CMT for one. We know what the risks are. I thought we were ready to tackle them. I just don't know if there is enough juice left and that scares me. See, I'm 35... soon to be 36. I hear that biological clock ticking. I know he can hear it. I feel like it's this looming albatross. I look around me and see people that swore never to do the whole "marriage and kids" thing doing it. Here I am still waiting. I ask myself how long can I wait? Is it worth the wait? Should I let him off the hook?
I don't know that I want to walk away from what I have, yet at the same time I question if I am being fair. I also am scared of loosing him. I also am scared of having to start this all over again with someone new, I'm too tired and too worn out to do this again. I do love him and I do want to make him happy and what scares me most is that maybe letting someone I love with all my heart go is the best thing I can do for everyone.
The uncertainty is the most difficult thing. I know that nothing is 100%. Persons who don't have CMT as part of a relationship have similar worries and uncertainty about the future. Being with someone is a leap of faith. Having kids with them is an even bigger leap of faith. I think that the uncertainty has held us back in some ways. I know that he and I have talked about getting a house and we'd start looking and then stop due to all sorts of reasons be it work, finances, etc. So, that being said, meant that I didn't fully invest myself in doing things outside of the house. I didn't want to commit to doing activities in this end of the city. I didn't want to register for classes or events because I didn't want to have to treck out here if we did finally move to the west end as we had discussed and intended.
I lost part of myself there. I lost myself in the fact that I stopped doing things for me because I was too concerned about the logistics of location. Perhaps that is an unattractive trait? Perhaps Nigel seeing me do that and giving up parts of myself could be reason for him to worry. He has suggested I get a hobby or go out with my friends more. Well, again, I tried... but, always hid behind the excuse that the commute is long and that the uncertainty of where we will be in a few months, living wise. I really have to stop doing that. I have already taken steps to change that with signing up for bellydancing and trying to get out more and reconnect and make new friends. I'm not very good at making friends and I've mentioned that time and time again. That was not a comment intended for pitty, but just a simple fact. I know I am a great friend when I trust someone, but the hard part is getting to the point of trusting them and being confident enough to let them in and call them etc.
Both Nigel and my life are so intertwined now after living with each other. I am not sure I am strong enough to sever things and pull them appart if it ever came to that. We're working through all of this and the uncertainty is utterly scaring the bejeezus out of me. However, I love him and want to figure all this out.... together. Both he and I are working on it.... together. I do need someone to talk to and the perspective of people that have been through relationships. I need people to talk to and to just get out and not talk about things too and laugh.
So, yeah, that's a long one.