(no subject)
So I'm basically sitting here gnawing on a renegade cuticle for about six minutes staring at the cursor blink, and it led me down windy path of random thoughts and it all whittled down to this: while trying to suppress and destroy all of the negative, bat-shit-crazy...ness that was a very large and cancerous part of my personality and life, that I've completely lost the ability to express myself. Don't get me wrong, one of my ..."
...was a post I started months ago and literally walked away from mid-sentence. Quite sad really. But that feeling pretty much still remains. Honestly, I didn't want my first post after a year to be wrought with complaining like the pattern this blog follows. Anyway, I'm not gonna front; I'm still in this haze of "in between." In between what and what, I have no idea. There was definitely a paradigm shift in my way of thinking and behaving that started around mid 2007. I guess I just got distracted by life too. But now I want no more of that. I would like to once again have hobbies, do stuff, enjoy life I guess. It kinda sucks when someone asks "so what else do you like to do?" and my only reply is to swallow quietly and reply "y'know...work and more work..." because I have nothing to say! I haven't even been reading as much as I used to. And I do miss lj as an outlet or at least something to do but get fatter. Even though livejournal requires much sitting around lol
So I decided that instead of following in [another] pattern that includes saying and planning to do awesome things, but not doing them. Even though the strong desire is there. This barrier of procrastination is a behavior that I can at least learn and train myself on how to get rid of it. I can work on that whole "and sticking to it" plan while the first one's in full swing. I really and truly am jealous of the people who have it together somewhat. Even the ones who don't, but have the energy to get out there and do interesting shit. AND at the same time I'm trying not to beat myself up for not being one of those people. Maybe this is all temporary. Maybe none of this matters at all. Who knows.
...was a post I started months ago and literally walked away from mid-sentence. Quite sad really. But that feeling pretty much still remains. Honestly, I didn't want my first post after a year to be wrought with complaining like the pattern this blog follows. Anyway, I'm not gonna front; I'm still in this haze of "in between." In between what and what, I have no idea. There was definitely a paradigm shift in my way of thinking and behaving that started around mid 2007. I guess I just got distracted by life too. But now I want no more of that. I would like to once again have hobbies, do stuff, enjoy life I guess. It kinda sucks when someone asks "so what else do you like to do?" and my only reply is to swallow quietly and reply "y'know...work and more work..." because I have nothing to say! I haven't even been reading as much as I used to. And I do miss lj as an outlet or at least something to do but get fatter. Even though livejournal requires much sitting around lol
So I decided that instead of following in [another] pattern that includes saying and planning to do awesome things, but not doing them. Even though the strong desire is there. This barrier of procrastination is a behavior that I can at least learn and train myself on how to get rid of it. I can work on that whole "and sticking to it" plan while the first one's in full swing. I really and truly am jealous of the people who have it together somewhat. Even the ones who don't, but have the energy to get out there and do interesting shit. AND at the same time I'm trying not to beat myself up for not being one of those people. Maybe this is all temporary. Maybe none of this matters at all. Who knows.