(no subject)
It's funny reading all these old entries. I can't imagine the person that I used to be. Reading words that I typed so fervently. It's odd.
It's like a stranger was living my life up until now.
Who is that girl? And who is that boy she was so in love with?
I read his journal too. I guess he loved her too... at one point. His words could be confused with another boy's, they're so similar. It's a wonder they never became best friends.
K is trying hard to keep me in his life, just like the other boy did, although it's hard for me to remember that time. He stopped caring. Just like K will. Just like my dad did...
I've tried hard to keep them in my life, but my wishes for friendship fall short when they want to undress me and throw me on a bed.
If I want to see what will happen with future relationships, all I need is to look at my relationship with D, or the relationship that my mother and father had. It's such a frustrating cycle. It's hard to resist the comfort and drug-like-state that comes with falling for someone. But I will do my best from now on. There is no reason to have a long-term relationship for me, because I've never wanted to get married. And I realize now that having children in the future is moot. It's a selfish way to preoccupy the downward slope of your life. My mother told me last night: "If I have no family, no friends anymore... why should I go on? What's there to look forward to?"
My initial reaction was anger. I am angry at her for not setting a better example for me, someone she cares about and knows to have struggled with depression for a loooooong time. And my anger made me want to prove her wrong. So I fought back my fury, and said, "You don't have to make your life about people. You don't have to focus on anyone but yourself. Life can be about learning and growing, and making yourself better."
And so there is my answer to my own burning question. Why go on? People come and go in your life, there's no changing that. You are stuck with yourself though. And I am exhausted from this self-hatred.
It's like a stranger was living my life up until now.
Who is that girl? And who is that boy she was so in love with?
I read his journal too. I guess he loved her too... at one point. His words could be confused with another boy's, they're so similar. It's a wonder they never became best friends.
K is trying hard to keep me in his life, just like the other boy did, although it's hard for me to remember that time. He stopped caring. Just like K will. Just like my dad did...
I've tried hard to keep them in my life, but my wishes for friendship fall short when they want to undress me and throw me on a bed.
If I want to see what will happen with future relationships, all I need is to look at my relationship with D, or the relationship that my mother and father had. It's such a frustrating cycle. It's hard to resist the comfort and drug-like-state that comes with falling for someone. But I will do my best from now on. There is no reason to have a long-term relationship for me, because I've never wanted to get married. And I realize now that having children in the future is moot. It's a selfish way to preoccupy the downward slope of your life. My mother told me last night: "If I have no family, no friends anymore... why should I go on? What's there to look forward to?"
My initial reaction was anger. I am angry at her for not setting a better example for me, someone she cares about and knows to have struggled with depression for a loooooong time. And my anger made me want to prove her wrong. So I fought back my fury, and said, "You don't have to make your life about people. You don't have to focus on anyone but yourself. Life can be about learning and growing, and making yourself better."
And so there is my answer to my own burning question. Why go on? People come and go in your life, there's no changing that. You are stuck with yourself though. And I am exhausted from this self-hatred.