If it's not one thing, it's everything
I just feel like crying.
I know it never accomplishes anything, but I'm just so frustrated and overwhelmed.
The sources of my current frustration, in classic numerical order:
1.) My car. Since I purchased it from my parents on August 27th, it has been one thing after another. Granted, it is a 20-year-old car, but still. Suddenly, everything is breaking down, and at a rate greater than we (i.e. my dad) can fix it. He came over today and rigged the window so now it is closed but will never open (fun for drive-thrus, ATMs, and the tollway). Somehow, the little hunk of metal that connects to the window motor just... disintegrated. Disappeared. We couldn't even find its remnants in the door.
So, he fixed the window (just in time, as it is pouring now). And also fixed the door handle. He wanted to also fix the fan so that I don't have to pop the hood and plug/unplug the fan every time I drive it. But we needed tools from his apartment, so I get in the car to go there and it doesn't start. He jumps it, then it runs sluggishly all the way to his place. It died two or three more times (luckily, all in park, not while driving). It eerily felt exactly how the Sidekick felt as it died. Dad followed me home to make sure it didn't die along the way, which was very sweet of him (especially with the Bears game on, and them winning). Nevertheless, I felt like crying off and on the entire way home because I have a feeling my great plan of having the New Yorker last me until I leave for England in April isn't going to pan out so well. And I can't afford a new/new-old car. Which brings me to...
2.) My finances. My financial situation is simply that I don't have any money. "But, Amber," you'll say. "Didn't you just go to visit a friend in Arizona? And aren't you planning on living in the third-most-expensive city in the world in six months?" Yes, and yes. I paid for the $223 plane ticket to visit Nicole out of my savings. And since I didn't work the month of September, I have not had a paycheck for a while. I've had to drain quite a bit of money out of savings to pay for bills and such. And now, my >$1,000 has dwindled to $150. And I don't want to deal with the flak if my mom found that out. She is already against me going to England, and we don't need to add fuel to the fire.
I decided on the way home that I need a second job. Yes, it will probably kill my back/neck, but I have to do it; I need more money. My wisdom teeth are coming out October 27th, and that's $600 out-of-pocket (at least). My big-daddy student loans ($30,000) enter into repayment in November, and I have no idea how much that's going to cost a month (my guess & fear - $300-$400). My trip to see the taping of "The Colbert Report" (the one that I've been so giddy and excited about since I learned I got the tickets) is mid-November, which will probably be about $300. Not to mention Christmas is just around the frickin' corner, and everyone's had/is having a baby, so gifts have multiplied by three. And I'm supposed to be saving money.
3.) School This is really just an offshoot of #2, but I feel it deserves its own category.
A. I have to go BS 2 paragraphs and 2 comments online for film class by midnight. And then I have a stupid CD-ROM and graph-making assignment for my stupid ass Cross-cultural Relations class. It's due the 9th, and I just received the textbook I ordered from Half.com yesterday ,sans the CD-ROM its description said was included. The damn CD-ROM I need to do the assignment. Now, after the CLC bookstore double-charging me for my books and me returning them (out of spite) to buy them online instead, I might have to bite the bullet, and $50, to go buy another fucking textbook. The beat-up one I got from half.com is useless to me without the CD, and the seller hasn't responded to my email yet.
B. If I don't get the CD-ROM from the seller, or buy the book from the bookstore, I probably won't pass the class. Which will ruin the only reason I'm taking the damn class - to be able to use the BUNAC program to get a student visa for England for 6 months. If I am not a full-time student, then I just wasted $800 on tuition and books -- make that $850 (stupid half.com).
C. I don't know if it's an error on the US Government's part, and I don't want to find out, but apparently when I consolidated my $9,000 of gov't education loans, they put my expected payback date as May 2008. When I signed up online for automatic payments, the website, and the confirmation letter I received, said they would start deducting in May 2008. I don't want to miss any payments, but I also don't want to look this gift horse in the mouth by calling them. So I'm just going to keep paying my $82.25 a month.
4.) John Hodgman John Hodgman is not a source of frustration for me. Let me just clear that up now. The only frustration I could ever feel re: Hodgman is that he makes me feel dumber than I like to admit I am. No, my frustration is that I wanted to go get his/my book signed by him. He was downtown at Borders today, but Dad and I worked on the damn car. And he will be at Second City tomorrow night, which, theoretically I could make. I only work in the morning, and then have to go to the gym. But I'm not sure my car can make it, and I can't really afford the $10.60 for the train, and then $8 for the buses I would need to get there.
5.) Myself. I currently feel like crap. Physically, yes, but also emotionally. My creativity has been smashed down and is now possibly occupying a small section of my left big toe. I miss LA. I miss workshops and tabling scripts and writing comedy. Yes, I'm in scriptwriting class here at CLC, but it's not the same. I am sad that TDS and TCR did not at least call me and get my hopes up. I know I'm going to England and that's going to put a kabosh on the trying-to-break-into-TV thing, but still. Discovery Channel is having a contest where you can film a spoof of one of their shows. I would love to do Mythbusters, but I can't think of anything. Not one thing. I've been reading a lot lately and that always inspires me to write, and yet... nothing. I just don't know what to do to jumpstart myself. I think the big reason I'm so excited about going to see Colbert is that I will be reminded of my LA experience, of the magic behind a TV show, of the reason I chose my major. And yet I'm worried that a) I won't be able to go, b) it will just make me hurt more, seeing a great thing that I can't be a part of, and c) that I will stay after the show to meet Stephen and make a complete ass out of myself, and since he has a photographic memory I will lose any chance of ever working for him.
Blah. Listing all that has tired me out, but I still feel close to tears. I'm off to do a laundry switch and to Blackboard to write some shit about "High Noon" and the House Un-American Committee. If this is what being a grown-up is about, then I don't particularly want it.
I know it never accomplishes anything, but I'm just so frustrated and overwhelmed.
The sources of my current frustration, in classic numerical order:
1.) My car. Since I purchased it from my parents on August 27th, it has been one thing after another. Granted, it is a 20-year-old car, but still. Suddenly, everything is breaking down, and at a rate greater than we (i.e. my dad) can fix it. He came over today and rigged the window so now it is closed but will never open (fun for drive-thrus, ATMs, and the tollway). Somehow, the little hunk of metal that connects to the window motor just... disintegrated. Disappeared. We couldn't even find its remnants in the door.
So, he fixed the window (just in time, as it is pouring now). And also fixed the door handle. He wanted to also fix the fan so that I don't have to pop the hood and plug/unplug the fan every time I drive it. But we needed tools from his apartment, so I get in the car to go there and it doesn't start. He jumps it, then it runs sluggishly all the way to his place. It died two or three more times (luckily, all in park, not while driving). It eerily felt exactly how the Sidekick felt as it died. Dad followed me home to make sure it didn't die along the way, which was very sweet of him (especially with the Bears game on, and them winning). Nevertheless, I felt like crying off and on the entire way home because I have a feeling my great plan of having the New Yorker last me until I leave for England in April isn't going to pan out so well. And I can't afford a new/new-old car. Which brings me to...
2.) My finances. My financial situation is simply that I don't have any money. "But, Amber," you'll say. "Didn't you just go to visit a friend in Arizona? And aren't you planning on living in the third-most-expensive city in the world in six months?" Yes, and yes. I paid for the $223 plane ticket to visit Nicole out of my savings. And since I didn't work the month of September, I have not had a paycheck for a while. I've had to drain quite a bit of money out of savings to pay for bills and such. And now, my >$1,000 has dwindled to $150. And I don't want to deal with the flak if my mom found that out. She is already against me going to England, and we don't need to add fuel to the fire.
I decided on the way home that I need a second job. Yes, it will probably kill my back/neck, but I have to do it; I need more money. My wisdom teeth are coming out October 27th, and that's $600 out-of-pocket (at least). My big-daddy student loans ($30,000) enter into repayment in November, and I have no idea how much that's going to cost a month (my guess & fear - $300-$400). My trip to see the taping of "The Colbert Report" (the one that I've been so giddy and excited about since I learned I got the tickets) is mid-November, which will probably be about $300. Not to mention Christmas is just around the frickin' corner, and everyone's had/is having a baby, so gifts have multiplied by three. And I'm supposed to be saving money.
3.) School This is really just an offshoot of #2, but I feel it deserves its own category.
A. I have to go BS 2 paragraphs and 2 comments online for film class by midnight. And then I have a stupid CD-ROM and graph-making assignment for my stupid ass Cross-cultural Relations class. It's due the 9th, and I just received the textbook I ordered from Half.com yesterday ,sans the CD-ROM its description said was included. The damn CD-ROM I need to do the assignment. Now, after the CLC bookstore double-charging me for my books and me returning them (out of spite) to buy them online instead, I might have to bite the bullet, and $50, to go buy another fucking textbook. The beat-up one I got from half.com is useless to me without the CD, and the seller hasn't responded to my email yet.
B. If I don't get the CD-ROM from the seller, or buy the book from the bookstore, I probably won't pass the class. Which will ruin the only reason I'm taking the damn class - to be able to use the BUNAC program to get a student visa for England for 6 months. If I am not a full-time student, then I just wasted $800 on tuition and books -- make that $850 (stupid half.com).
C. I don't know if it's an error on the US Government's part, and I don't want to find out, but apparently when I consolidated my $9,000 of gov't education loans, they put my expected payback date as May 2008. When I signed up online for automatic payments, the website, and the confirmation letter I received, said they would start deducting in May 2008. I don't want to miss any payments, but I also don't want to look this gift horse in the mouth by calling them. So I'm just going to keep paying my $82.25 a month.
4.) John Hodgman John Hodgman is not a source of frustration for me. Let me just clear that up now. The only frustration I could ever feel re: Hodgman is that he makes me feel dumber than I like to admit I am. No, my frustration is that I wanted to go get his/my book signed by him. He was downtown at Borders today, but Dad and I worked on the damn car. And he will be at Second City tomorrow night, which, theoretically I could make. I only work in the morning, and then have to go to the gym. But I'm not sure my car can make it, and I can't really afford the $10.60 for the train, and then $8 for the buses I would need to get there.
5.) Myself. I currently feel like crap. Physically, yes, but also emotionally. My creativity has been smashed down and is now possibly occupying a small section of my left big toe. I miss LA. I miss workshops and tabling scripts and writing comedy. Yes, I'm in scriptwriting class here at CLC, but it's not the same. I am sad that TDS and TCR did not at least call me and get my hopes up. I know I'm going to England and that's going to put a kabosh on the trying-to-break-into-TV thing, but still. Discovery Channel is having a contest where you can film a spoof of one of their shows. I would love to do Mythbusters, but I can't think of anything. Not one thing. I've been reading a lot lately and that always inspires me to write, and yet... nothing. I just don't know what to do to jumpstart myself. I think the big reason I'm so excited about going to see Colbert is that I will be reminded of my LA experience, of the magic behind a TV show, of the reason I chose my major. And yet I'm worried that a) I won't be able to go, b) it will just make me hurt more, seeing a great thing that I can't be a part of, and c) that I will stay after the show to meet Stephen and make a complete ass out of myself, and since he has a photographic memory I will lose any chance of ever working for him.
Blah. Listing all that has tired me out, but I still feel close to tears. I'm off to do a laundry switch and to Blackboard to write some shit about "High Noon" and the House Un-American Committee. If this is what being a grown-up is about, then I don't particularly want it.