this bird has flown
feeling shitty.
physically, really. drowsy &headache &sinus infection but what can you do, i went to school and felt miserable but managed. i'm feeling really disconnected from everyone. or have been feeling so recently really. my life feels like scenes from less than zero, minus the money and the cocaine and the popularity.
i had this intense vision on friday under the influence of ganja of my life as portrayed in film negative strips, you know, with each negative separated, and you know how on a normal continuum, like a movie reel, all the film rolls smoothly together, creating one continuous image of past, present, and the coming future? it was that reel of film but the film all began to break into fragmented pieces and bits floating around, and thus all of my life was broken into sporadic and unconnected sequences of events. talk about induced paranoia.
but it was interesting. nothing is really bad or good to me anymore; just interesting. my new revelation of the moment is that people only like me because i make them feel good about themselves, or try to. the shock of this realization disturbed me but only really because it doesn't majorly disturb me.
i see a continuum between the two beatles songs "blackbird" and "norweign wood":
"blackbird seeing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and fly..."
and then, in norweign wood, "this bird has flown."
and i feel like that in a sense.
last night, i went to see a movie for my ap euro class, master and commander. and it was all normal and fine and then after the movie got out we're all standing there discussing the movie and my head started to beat, harder and harder, until i felt like i could hear it pounding. and it was like everything was melting away, and i'm driving home on west rocks, that linear road with no surprises, crying hysterically, with oh comely turned up so loud that my heart and pulse felt like they were beating in unision with the rhythm of the song, vision blurred, but i kept going on and on down that straight road. and then, it just stopped.
i think it's interesting. i get panic attacks when everything is apparently normal, and as soon as i make it an "abnormal" situation, ie, freaking out, i'm suddenly fine again.
does that make sense?
i can't really bring myself to say all how i'm really feeling and to really delve into it. i'm tired and i'm a bitch and a half and i'm thinking maybe it's just me who doesn't understand other people. maybe they all know the secret.
and i will begin perhaps to surrender myself to not understanding &overanalyzing with leon because i just hurt myself over it. i come home every saturday night, depressed as hell, and say, "this is the last time. i swear." surrender myself in the sense of accomodating my feelings of want and working with them instead of trying to blindly reject them.
sick, disconnected, and flying.
maybe?
maybe not
i am your pampheleteer
eva
in your memory you're drunk on your awe to me
it doesn't mean anything at all.
-neutral milk hotel
physically, really. drowsy &headache &sinus infection but what can you do, i went to school and felt miserable but managed. i'm feeling really disconnected from everyone. or have been feeling so recently really. my life feels like scenes from less than zero, minus the money and the cocaine and the popularity.
i had this intense vision on friday under the influence of ganja of my life as portrayed in film negative strips, you know, with each negative separated, and you know how on a normal continuum, like a movie reel, all the film rolls smoothly together, creating one continuous image of past, present, and the coming future? it was that reel of film but the film all began to break into fragmented pieces and bits floating around, and thus all of my life was broken into sporadic and unconnected sequences of events. talk about induced paranoia.
but it was interesting. nothing is really bad or good to me anymore; just interesting. my new revelation of the moment is that people only like me because i make them feel good about themselves, or try to. the shock of this realization disturbed me but only really because it doesn't majorly disturb me.
i see a continuum between the two beatles songs "blackbird" and "norweign wood":
"blackbird seeing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and fly..."
and then, in norweign wood, "this bird has flown."
and i feel like that in a sense.
last night, i went to see a movie for my ap euro class, master and commander. and it was all normal and fine and then after the movie got out we're all standing there discussing the movie and my head started to beat, harder and harder, until i felt like i could hear it pounding. and it was like everything was melting away, and i'm driving home on west rocks, that linear road with no surprises, crying hysterically, with oh comely turned up so loud that my heart and pulse felt like they were beating in unision with the rhythm of the song, vision blurred, but i kept going on and on down that straight road. and then, it just stopped.
i think it's interesting. i get panic attacks when everything is apparently normal, and as soon as i make it an "abnormal" situation, ie, freaking out, i'm suddenly fine again.
does that make sense?
i can't really bring myself to say all how i'm really feeling and to really delve into it. i'm tired and i'm a bitch and a half and i'm thinking maybe it's just me who doesn't understand other people. maybe they all know the secret.
and i will begin perhaps to surrender myself to not understanding &overanalyzing with leon because i just hurt myself over it. i come home every saturday night, depressed as hell, and say, "this is the last time. i swear." surrender myself in the sense of accomodating my feelings of want and working with them instead of trying to blindly reject them.
sick, disconnected, and flying.
maybe?
maybe not
i am your pampheleteer
eva
in your memory you're drunk on your awe to me
it doesn't mean anything at all.
-neutral milk hotel