Same Old Song and Dance.
It's been a while since I've updated. I've been super busy with work and to be completely honest, I haven't felt up to writing much lately. Tonight though, for some reason... I just am in a seriously sucky mood, and I have to write.If I don't I'm afraid I'll burst. It happens on occasion. I do try and stay positive, but being alone most of the time... it takes a toll. I'm always ready with a helping hand for all of my friends, but inside I feel like I'm drowning. I don't think anyone has noticed. It has been getting steadily getting worse lately, and I can't figure out why.
Sometimes I have these thoughts. Like... I'll never find someone.I am single by choice... and most of the time that choice is because I'm so terrified of opening my heart again. I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. I am the first one to tell my friends to get out there and meet people, but I can't find the strength to do it myself. I know it's stupid. I know that Chris shouldn't still get to me. I mean, we've been broken up for 4 years. But he does. Try as I might, he's still in here. It's like my heart snatched him up and locked the door with steel bolts. Nothing in, Nothing out. Am I just... doomed to feel this way? He's moved on. I'VE MOVED ON. I have. But every single time I even just look at someone else I feel like.. no one will ever get me like he did. Like he still does. I compare every guy in my life to him. Yeah, he wasn't good enough for me. Yeah, he treated me much less than I deserved. He was too old for me, too experienced. I should "get over it." I hear it all the time. But those imperfections weren't the only thing in him. I saw his heart. I saw everything he was capable of. And it breaks me to know that everything he's worked for is being thrown away... simply because he has no good influences in his life anymore. Shouldn't I be closer to moving forward with my life? I thought I was past this. It keeps popping up at random moments. Like a trap. Just when I think I'm getting better... I find a picture of him unexpectedly. I run into him somewhere, or he calls me up out of the blue. Or, like tonight, something reminds me of him.
It's raining outside, and I just feel so down. Rain was always our thing. Watching the storms was our THING. We'd get a blanket, sit out on my porch swing and cuddle. Make comments about the lighting and the sound of the rain. The smell of him next to me, along with the smell of the rain always made me feel so safe. Most nights like that, we'd fall asleep, right there on the swing. I miss the older times. I just had to open up that photo album didn't I? I got a bit of a jonesing for memories, and I started looking. I should have taken those pictures out. It's amazing how much he's invested into my life, into my family's life. It shouldn't have been so serious when we were so very young. Puppy love... that's what everyone calls it. It doesn't feel like puppy love. If this is Puppy love... I'm not so sure I want to know what real love feels like.
