I don't like how she talks about it. There is no such thing as "negotiated infidelity." Once it's been negotiated, it is, by definition, not infidelity. Infidelity involves secrecy.
Truthfully, as it turns out, I don't really care too much about sexual fidelity. No. When I learned about Phil's indiscretion, I wanted to know if he had feelings for her. That's what I cared about. I was hurt that I was lied to (and I was hurt that it was a close friend of mine), but that was about it. After it became clear that he loved me and not her, our relationship became much, much stronger than before. She was no threat to me. We're very happy, actually. (Apart from no longer being able to live together. That sucks.)
I do sort of think of infidelity as inevitable. Forever is a really long time. As much as I love Phil, it would be a lie to say other men (and women) haven't turned my head since we got together. I haven't cheated. Yet. I can't guarantee that it won't happen in the future. Stranger things have. I mean, Phil probably would not have cheated had he and Amanda not been intoxicated. (Of course, if I cheated, I would lose my position of moral superiority. . . and I don't want that.)
Also, her "negotiations" like "allowing" the man to view porn are just fucking ridiculous. I would never tell a partner they couldn't watch porn or go to a strip club. To do so is to indulge in uncalled for jealousy.
At the end of the day, I don't really have strong feelings about this-- it's a private matter between couples. Everyone has to figure out what will and won't fly in a relationship. I can imagine feeling comfortable enough with Phil to have an open relationship, but that's just me.*
*Funnily enough, Phil is experiencing jealousy for the first time in his life. I told him I was going to drink some wine with ChrisGreen, and Phil got a little anxious, before admitting that his jealousy was misplaced. (He does, after all, now live with the girl he cheated on me with. We all like to hang out together.) He's never had a girlfriend whose fidelity he cared about before. So maybe I'm special.
Truthfully, as it turns out, I don't really care too much about sexual fidelity. No. When I learned about Phil's indiscretion, I wanted to know if he had feelings for her. That's what I cared about. I was hurt that I was lied to (and I was hurt that it was a close friend of mine), but that was about it. After it became clear that he loved me and not her, our relationship became much, much stronger than before. She was no threat to me. We're very happy, actually. (Apart from no longer being able to live together. That sucks.)
I do sort of think of infidelity as inevitable. Forever is a really long time. As much as I love Phil, it would be a lie to say other men (and women) haven't turned my head since we got together. I haven't cheated. Yet. I can't guarantee that it won't happen in the future. Stranger things have. I mean, Phil probably would not have cheated had he and Amanda not been intoxicated. (Of course, if I cheated, I would lose my position of moral superiority. . . and I don't want that.)
Also, her "negotiations" like "allowing" the man to view porn are just fucking ridiculous. I would never tell a partner they couldn't watch porn or go to a strip club. To do so is to indulge in uncalled for jealousy.
At the end of the day, I don't really have strong feelings about this-- it's a private matter between couples. Everyone has to figure out what will and won't fly in a relationship. I can imagine feeling comfortable enough with Phil to have an open relationship, but that's just me.*
Dan Savage's reaction: http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/08/04/open-does-not-mean-no-rules
*Funnily enough, Phil is experiencing jealousy for the first time in his life. I told him I was going to drink some wine with ChrisGreen, and Phil got a little anxious, before admitting that his jealousy was misplaced. (He does, after all, now live with the girl he cheated on me with. We all like to hang out together.) He's never had a girlfriend whose fidelity he cared about before. So maybe I'm special.
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