Coming to An End
I couldn't wait for school to be out, about three weeks ago. All I thought about was how much life sucked, how much I hurt, and how much I really didn't give a shit about college. However, sitting here with only three days to go, I really wish that it wasn't coming to an end. I think that I have just realized that my roommates are fucking awesome, and I would really give anything to live with them next year. We screwed that one up though...
And then the deal with Eric. I finally got the nerve up to ask him what we are and he laid it out straight: "just friends," he said. "Well, sorta friends with benefits. With summer coming, it would just be too hard." I really appreciate his honesty, but let me tell you, last night, I felt hurt, I think. Of course, I don't know what I expected really. He lives like four hours away. It is just that when I look into his eyes, or open my eyes to find him staring at me, it feels like it could be more, and it could be great. He isn't like anyone that I have ever met and I know that everyone keeps saying "Well, you'll both be back next semester." Yeah, but four months is a long time to go without seeing someone, even if you are just friends. But, long distance relationships very rarely work, so hey..I understand. I am just going to miss him. I mean, I have seen him probably 4-5 days a week since we started hanging out and I do miss him when he isn't around. It sucks.
I think a lot of me feeling bad too, has to do with Chris. I feel like I am being rejected again and in a way, I am not wrong. However, maybe it is the best thing for me. I mean, being at home, I am going to learn to be stronger and less dependant on the guys that are in my life, at the time.
Another gray area with me right now is Nick. I won't lie. There will always be a special place in my heart for Nick, I mean c'mon. He's my first love and even though he can be an asshole to me, I generally like him. I know that now that me and Chris have broken up, Nick thinks that we are going to be to just pick up where we left off. But, it's not that easy, really. I don't love him with that death-defying, urgent, get-burned-by-it love that I did when we met. I love being friends with him and being able to talk to him and being able to listen to him when he is upset, but I don't think that I want to ruin that by trying to make it work again. I know that I would only hurt him again, simply because I don't love him like that anymore. And, that is the last thing that I want to do: hurt him again. That would pretty much make everything that he has ever said about me true...And, I know that I am not the girl that he thinks I am.
I just wish I could figure out what girl I think I am, and become that. Coffee's done...
And then the deal with Eric. I finally got the nerve up to ask him what we are and he laid it out straight: "just friends," he said. "Well, sorta friends with benefits. With summer coming, it would just be too hard." I really appreciate his honesty, but let me tell you, last night, I felt hurt, I think. Of course, I don't know what I expected really. He lives like four hours away. It is just that when I look into his eyes, or open my eyes to find him staring at me, it feels like it could be more, and it could be great. He isn't like anyone that I have ever met and I know that everyone keeps saying "Well, you'll both be back next semester." Yeah, but four months is a long time to go without seeing someone, even if you are just friends. But, long distance relationships very rarely work, so hey..I understand. I am just going to miss him. I mean, I have seen him probably 4-5 days a week since we started hanging out and I do miss him when he isn't around. It sucks.
I think a lot of me feeling bad too, has to do with Chris. I feel like I am being rejected again and in a way, I am not wrong. However, maybe it is the best thing for me. I mean, being at home, I am going to learn to be stronger and less dependant on the guys that are in my life, at the time.
Another gray area with me right now is Nick. I won't lie. There will always be a special place in my heart for Nick, I mean c'mon. He's my first love and even though he can be an asshole to me, I generally like him. I know that now that me and Chris have broken up, Nick thinks that we are going to be to just pick up where we left off. But, it's not that easy, really. I don't love him with that death-defying, urgent, get-burned-by-it love that I did when we met. I love being friends with him and being able to talk to him and being able to listen to him when he is upset, but I don't think that I want to ruin that by trying to make it work again. I know that I would only hurt him again, simply because I don't love him like that anymore. And, that is the last thing that I want to do: hurt him again. That would pretty much make everything that he has ever said about me true...And, I know that I am not the girl that he thinks I am.
I just wish I could figure out what girl I think I am, and become that. Coffee's done...