Flood Updates
Well, I'm dry enough.
I went downtown today...it was nuts. I can't believe it. I really really can't. And Czech Village isn't completely dry yet. Water's still covering some houses.
Pictures of downtown BEFORE the massive flooding hit on Thursday
Pictures of downtown and Ellis not taken by me
Pictures of downtown that I took today
And please donate to the Red Cross! Every penny counts.
==================================================================
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Interact with TopFive!
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/topfive
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/top5list
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==================================================================
June 18, 2008
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
You've probably heard by now that excessive rains
have caused much flooding in the midwest lately.
TopFive's own Brad Simanek reports that his office has
been completely ruined and until other arrangements
are made, he'll have no place to write Ruminations
while pretending to work. See Brad's pictures here:
http://www.bradsimanek.com/PICTURES.html
Fortunately, Brad was able to lift his house
and single-handedly move it to the top of a
nearby hill, so his family wasn't threatened.
Others weren't so lucky, and the Red Cross has
had to borrow money to get aid to flood victims.
If you'd like to make a donation, click here:
http://snipurl.com/redcros
The Top 14 Signs You've Gotten Enough Rain
14> "You wanted a houseboat? Well, now you got your F&%$IN'
HOUSEBOAT, Slim!!"
13> Al Gore's latest issue: Global squishing.
12> You have every episode of "The Office" TiVo'd and a life-size
poster of Dwight Schrute in your cubicle. (Oops! That a sign
you've gotten enough *Rainn*.)
11> Local birds are wearing snorkels.
10> Even those wacky Biblical literalists are saying He's being
a bit heavy-handed.
9> FEMA calls to ask about the weather.
8> Well, SOMEthing's not staying mainly on the plain in Spain.
7> Katrina-Shmatrina. Try living through some *real water,*
ya pansies.
6> Myanmar sends you aid.
5> The sign at the campsite entrance says that Smokey rates the
current danger level of forest fires as "You Must Be Joking."
4> Royal Caribbean offers a new luxury cruise package that
includes Sioux City, Cedar Rapids and Des Moines.
3> You drove your Chevy to the levee, and the levee was gone.
2> The newspaper delivery guy doesn't even have to bother aiming
for the puddles.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Gotten Enough Rain...
1> While I'm busy picking crawdads out of Mrs. Simanek's hair,
Kim Moser sneaks in and grabs my usual #1 spot.
[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions
------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs You've Gotten Enough Rain
RUNNERS UP list -- Noah's Barf
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cuba? What Cuba?"
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)
A Gulf shrimp boat has washed up onto your front lawn. And you
live in Kansas.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
During your softball game, a small craft advisory is issued for
the outfield.
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)
Every newborn is named "Noah."
(Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC)
If you work upstream from your house, your SUV might be able to
make the trip home in an environment-friendly infinity-miles-per
gallon!
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Lake Superior now known as "The MF'n Monster of All Lakes."
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)
Manolo Blahnik rolls out his new rubber boot line.
(Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA)
Most of the bodies you have buried in the yard have floated
downstream and you can't find a place to bury the *recent* ones.
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
Sixteen years worth of Frisbees float free from your rooftop.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
There's an albino sewer alligator at your door, wanting to borrow
your wet-vac.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
They just started filming "Waterworld 2" in your living room.
(Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI)
Wile E. Coyote is less worried about gravity than he is about
sharks.
(Michael Sheinbaum, Guilford, CT)
You can overhear Noah saying, "I ain't going out in this sh*t."
(Michael Sheinbaum, Guilford, CT)
You now have to ask your dog, "You wanna go outside for a swim?"
(Brandon Eldridge, St. Louis, MO)
Your dry martini is totally ruined.
(David Kass, Queens, NY)
Your pet goldfish retrieves the morning paper now.
(Emily Limbach, Boulder, CO)
Runners Up list name
(Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs You've Gotten Enough Rain
HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Pour, Pour Pitiful Me
------------------------------------------------------------------
All the wicked witches in your neighborhood are gone.
(David Kass, Queens, NY)
Animals escaping from the local zoo are all traveling in pairs.
(David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)
As she's getting dressed for church your wife asks, "Does this
wetsuit make my ass look big?"
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)
Bill O'Reilly is calling it the worst drought in history.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
City council scraps the planned light rail in favor of an ark
fleet.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Headline in the local paper: "Six Killed at High School Talent
Show for Performing 'Singing in the Rain.'"
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
It's become difficult to walk your dog, because he keeps chasing
the fish and can't find the hydrants.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
Last week you got a ticket for double parking next to a dolphin.
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
Make a dry-heat joke, get beaten to death.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
People no longer knock on your front door, they dock at your back
porch.
(Brandon Eldridge, St. Louis, MO)
The catfish you had for dinner you caught yourself -- in your
garage.
(Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA)
The directions you got from MapQuest begin: "Start out rowing
NORTH over the SHELL STATION..."
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)
The most powerful labor union in your city is the United
Confederation of Umbrella Salesmen.
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)
Those birds perched on your roof line are actually harbor seals.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
When your kids wet the bed, no one can tell.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
You finally have that above-ground outdoor pool you always wanted
when you bought this high-rise apartment.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
You're seriously considering a "Top 5 Rejected Flood Names" list.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
Honorable Mentions list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
==================================================================
Copyright 2008 by Chris White All rights reserved.
Do not publish or broadcast without permission.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Address changes: http://www.topfive.com/amember/member.php
Everything else: http://www.topfive.com/contact.shtml
------------------------------------------------------------------
C L U B T O P 5
The Web's Best Original Humor http://www.topfive.com/club.htm
==================================================================
I went downtown today...it was nuts. I can't believe it. I really really can't. And Czech Village isn't completely dry yet. Water's still covering some houses.
Pictures of downtown BEFORE the massive flooding hit on Thursday
Pictures of downtown and Ellis not taken by me
Pictures of downtown that I took today
And please donate to the Red Cross! Every penny counts.
==================================================================
C L U B T O P 5
Premium Coffee Energy Drink
==================================================================
Interact with TopFive!
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/topfive
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/top5list
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=608060595
==================================================================
June 18, 2008
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
You've probably heard by now that excessive rains
have caused much flooding in the midwest lately.
TopFive's own Brad Simanek reports that his office has
been completely ruined and until other arrangements
are made, he'll have no place to write Ruminations
while pretending to work. See Brad's pictures here:
http://www.bradsimanek.com/PICTURES.html
Fortunately, Brad was able to lift his house
and single-handedly move it to the top of a
nearby hill, so his family wasn't threatened.
Others weren't so lucky, and the Red Cross has
had to borrow money to get aid to flood victims.
If you'd like to make a donation, click here:
http://snipurl.com/redcros
The Top 14 Signs You've Gotten Enough Rain
14> "You wanted a houseboat? Well, now you got your F&%$IN'
HOUSEBOAT, Slim!!"
13> Al Gore's latest issue: Global squishing.
12> You have every episode of "The Office" TiVo'd and a life-size
poster of Dwight Schrute in your cubicle. (Oops! That a sign
you've gotten enough *Rainn*.)
11> Local birds are wearing snorkels.
10> Even those wacky Biblical literalists are saying He's being
a bit heavy-handed.
9> FEMA calls to ask about the weather.
8> Well, SOMEthing's not staying mainly on the plain in Spain.
7> Katrina-Shmatrina. Try living through some *real water,*
ya pansies.
6> Myanmar sends you aid.
5> The sign at the campsite entrance says that Smokey rates the
current danger level of forest fires as "You Must Be Joking."
4> Royal Caribbean offers a new luxury cruise package that
includes Sioux City, Cedar Rapids and Des Moines.
3> You drove your Chevy to the levee, and the levee was gone.
2> The newspaper delivery guy doesn't even have to bother aiming
for the puddles.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Gotten Enough Rain...
1> While I'm busy picking crawdads out of Mrs. Simanek's hair,
Kim Moser sneaks in and grabs my usual #1 spot.
[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions
------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs You've Gotten Enough Rain
RUNNERS UP list -- Noah's Barf
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cuba? What Cuba?"
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)
A Gulf shrimp boat has washed up onto your front lawn. And you
live in Kansas.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
During your softball game, a small craft advisory is issued for
the outfield.
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)
Every newborn is named "Noah."
(Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC)
If you work upstream from your house, your SUV might be able to
make the trip home in an environment-friendly infinity-miles-per
gallon!
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Lake Superior now known as "The MF'n Monster of All Lakes."
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)
Manolo Blahnik rolls out his new rubber boot line.
(Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA)
Most of the bodies you have buried in the yard have floated
downstream and you can't find a place to bury the *recent* ones.
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
Sixteen years worth of Frisbees float free from your rooftop.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)
There's an albino sewer alligator at your door, wanting to borrow
your wet-vac.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
They just started filming "Waterworld 2" in your living room.
(Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI)
Wile E. Coyote is less worried about gravity than he is about
sharks.
(Michael Sheinbaum, Guilford, CT)
You can overhear Noah saying, "I ain't going out in this sh*t."
(Michael Sheinbaum, Guilford, CT)
You now have to ask your dog, "You wanna go outside for a swim?"
(Brandon Eldridge, St. Louis, MO)
Your dry martini is totally ruined.
(David Kass, Queens, NY)
Your pet goldfish retrieves the morning paper now.
(Emily Limbach, Boulder, CO)
Runners Up list name
(Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs You've Gotten Enough Rain
HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Pour, Pour Pitiful Me
------------------------------------------------------------------
All the wicked witches in your neighborhood are gone.
(David Kass, Queens, NY)
Animals escaping from the local zoo are all traveling in pairs.
(David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)
As she's getting dressed for church your wife asks, "Does this
wetsuit make my ass look big?"
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)
Bill O'Reilly is calling it the worst drought in history.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
City council scraps the planned light rail in favor of an ark
fleet.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Headline in the local paper: "Six Killed at High School Talent
Show for Performing 'Singing in the Rain.'"
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
It's become difficult to walk your dog, because he keeps chasing
the fish and can't find the hydrants.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
Last week you got a ticket for double parking next to a dolphin.
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
Make a dry-heat joke, get beaten to death.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
People no longer knock on your front door, they dock at your back
porch.
(Brandon Eldridge, St. Louis, MO)
The catfish you had for dinner you caught yourself -- in your
garage.
(Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA)
The directions you got from MapQuest begin: "Start out rowing
NORTH over the SHELL STATION..."
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)
The most powerful labor union in your city is the United
Confederation of Umbrella Salesmen.
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)
Those birds perched on your roof line are actually harbor seals.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)
When your kids wet the bed, no one can tell.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
You finally have that above-ground outdoor pool you always wanted
when you bought this high-rise apartment.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
You're seriously considering a "Top 5 Rejected Flood Names" list.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
Honorable Mentions list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
==================================================================
Copyright 2008 by Chris White All rights reserved.
Do not publish or broadcast without permission.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Address changes: http://www.topfive.com/amember/member.php
Everything else: http://www.topfive.com/contact.shtml
------------------------------------------------------------------
C L U B T O P 5
The Web's Best Original Humor http://www.topfive.com/club.htm
==================================================================