advice? help? a sympathetic ear? virtual hug?
what does one do, when the best relationship one will ever have, certainly the best up to this point, is behind one?
some things suggest themselves all too readily - suicide is foremost. this is not really an option; as much as i may think and talk about it, and say 'ok, i'm done now. i want out.', really, not an option. i can't get my head away from it though. i want the reset button, badly. i can't forgive myself for what i did during that time, and i can't stop punishing myself for it.
i want to be able to talk to someone without feeling like i'm worthless, undeserving of simple kindness. i'm tired of crying about this loss - not just the relationship, but the loss of personal control that lead to the loss of the relationship. and not just the one - there's a whole truly unique community that i was part of that i am now outcast from, unofficially. how does one start over, at the age i'm at, knowing the past i have, the things i've done, both that i wanted to do, and that i swore i never would? where do i look to find another one-of-a-kind person like that? another group as unique and strange and like me as they are? i feel like i've had an amputation or several, but its me that's been cut off.
what do i do now??
some things suggest themselves all too readily - suicide is foremost. this is not really an option; as much as i may think and talk about it, and say 'ok, i'm done now. i want out.', really, not an option. i can't get my head away from it though. i want the reset button, badly. i can't forgive myself for what i did during that time, and i can't stop punishing myself for it.
i want to be able to talk to someone without feeling like i'm worthless, undeserving of simple kindness. i'm tired of crying about this loss - not just the relationship, but the loss of personal control that lead to the loss of the relationship. and not just the one - there's a whole truly unique community that i was part of that i am now outcast from, unofficially. how does one start over, at the age i'm at, knowing the past i have, the things i've done, both that i wanted to do, and that i swore i never would? where do i look to find another one-of-a-kind person like that? another group as unique and strange and like me as they are? i feel like i've had an amputation or several, but its me that's been cut off.
what do i do now??