The Ten Most Common Holiday Movie Myths
As is customary, I have been inundating myself with all things Christmas this December. That includes Christmas movies. I know I posted recently about doing nothing but watching the classic holiday movies, but I also take a (severe) guilty pleasure in the cheesy made-for-tv movies that flood our networks at this time of year. After obsessively watching every holiday movie I can possibly make time for, I have discovered a trend of deceptions myths which are carefully structured and then giftwrapped and presented to us in the seemingly harmless package of a feel-good holiday movie.
10. Christmas Cookies Never Burn.
Have you ever noticed that the Christmas cookies presented on any table are perfect from batter to buffet? Never once has a hero, heroine, or ingenue been frustrated by a batch of cookies that comes out too dark or black on the bottom. Personally, I would like to know what type of oven they are using. It would make my Christmas Cookie Baking Extravaganza much easier.
9. Christmas Carolers are always lovely, four-part-harmony choruses.
Every year I see movies with carolers who are decked out in period costumes. The women have fantastic gloves, capes, and muffs to keep them warm. The men are wearing matching coats and top hats. They sing lovely renditions of "Silent Night" and "God Rest, Ye Merry Gentlemen" with wonderful harmonies. They never go off-pitch, and no one ever forgets the words. Every year when I open my door for carolers I am greeted by a group of people in a mish-mash of jeans, horribly holiday sweaters (at least one of which lights up), and knit caps. Also, they cannot carry a tune. Not to mention there is always at least one person substituting "la la la" for the lyrics of every carol. That's great for "Deck the Halls" but not so much for "Frosty the Snowman."
8. Every house has enough beds to accamodate any number of guests during the holidays.
I don't know about you, but I am supremely jealous of all those parents who kept fold-up cots and hideaway beds around the house. These houses seem to have one hiding in every corner, or a day bed in every guest room. I cannot remember how many times I was banished to the couch or even (in worst case scenarios) the floor in the basement. All because I happened to be the child of the family who played host to everyone else for Christmas.
7. Family reunions at Christmas time always end happily, despite the current feuds.
Picture it: Christmas Eve dinner, with the entire family sitting at the table enjoying turkey, mashed potatoes, and a plethora of other scrumptious foods. Suddenly the conversation at one end of the table becomes noticeably louder, and eventually escalates to the level of flying blobs of potatoes and crescent rolls. This scenario never happens in holiday movies. There have been dinners ending in mass disruption, but usually as the result of a feud between dog and cat (think National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation) instead of Uncle and Uncle.
6. If you are in a troubled relationship, it will magically be repaired by Christmas Day.
I cannot count the number of movies I have seen where a couple on the rocks or on the verge of divorce experience a Christmas miracle. Suddenly they are stopping their separation in its tracks, and all of their problems have magically disappeared. Something tells me this isn't how it really works outside of the magic of cinema.
5. If you are single, some life-altering event will lead you to your one true love.
Be it coming home for the first time in years, the death of a friend or family member, or moving due to a new job, one of these events will happen. Of course, this event is met with reluctance at first, but eventually it will be considered a moment of epiphany and substantial change. As this new life is settled in to, the new leading man or lady will sweep you off your feet, and you'll realize that moment of change was the best thing to ever happen, because it lead you to that one special person. So I ask this question: When will I get a job that requires me to relocate?
4. There will be a magical first kiss that will happen on Christmas Eve.
If you don't regularly spend Christmas with your family (biological or urban) this one may actually be a possibility. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't spend Christmas with their family, so I'm thinking this one, while possible, is highly improbable.
3. That same kiss will cause it to snow.
You've seen this scene, and know it usually comes at the end of the movie. The leading man and woman finally get to have that first magical kiss on Christmas Eve. While in each others' embrace, little white snowflakes begin falling from the sky. By the time their kiss is done, they are covered with a light dusting. The snow continues, and has already covers the ground, as the credits begin to roll. I would really love to experience a kiss that controls the weather...
2. Breaking out in song of a Christmas carol will instantly find you with a back-up orchestra, others will join your chorus, and you will all know the same dance routine.
I can't even get my family to join me in singing carols most of the time. On those occasions when I sing along with the music in the mall, strangers passing by, rather than joining in with my carols, look at me oddly. They would certainly never dance with me.
1. You will be caught under the mistletoe with your object of affection.
The tradition surrounding mistletoe was devised, I'm convinced, by a cruel sadistic man. Instead of being teased and prodded into kissing the one person you really want to kiss, you will inevitably be jeered into puckering up with the one guy at the party who still thinks gelling his hair to death is fashionable. Of course, this same guy has been prowling around under the mistletoe all evening just waiting for some unsuspecting victim.
Now with all of that being said, I'm going to watch "The Muppet Christmas Carol." Or maybe "While You Were Sleeping"...
10. Christmas Cookies Never Burn.
Have you ever noticed that the Christmas cookies presented on any table are perfect from batter to buffet? Never once has a hero, heroine, or ingenue been frustrated by a batch of cookies that comes out too dark or black on the bottom. Personally, I would like to know what type of oven they are using. It would make my Christmas Cookie Baking Extravaganza much easier.
9. Christmas Carolers are always lovely, four-part-harmony choruses.
Every year I see movies with carolers who are decked out in period costumes. The women have fantastic gloves, capes, and muffs to keep them warm. The men are wearing matching coats and top hats. They sing lovely renditions of "Silent Night" and "God Rest, Ye Merry Gentlemen" with wonderful harmonies. They never go off-pitch, and no one ever forgets the words. Every year when I open my door for carolers I am greeted by a group of people in a mish-mash of jeans, horribly holiday sweaters (at least one of which lights up), and knit caps. Also, they cannot carry a tune. Not to mention there is always at least one person substituting "la la la" for the lyrics of every carol. That's great for "Deck the Halls" but not so much for "Frosty the Snowman."
8. Every house has enough beds to accamodate any number of guests during the holidays.
I don't know about you, but I am supremely jealous of all those parents who kept fold-up cots and hideaway beds around the house. These houses seem to have one hiding in every corner, or a day bed in every guest room. I cannot remember how many times I was banished to the couch or even (in worst case scenarios) the floor in the basement. All because I happened to be the child of the family who played host to everyone else for Christmas.
7. Family reunions at Christmas time always end happily, despite the current feuds.
Picture it: Christmas Eve dinner, with the entire family sitting at the table enjoying turkey, mashed potatoes, and a plethora of other scrumptious foods. Suddenly the conversation at one end of the table becomes noticeably louder, and eventually escalates to the level of flying blobs of potatoes and crescent rolls. This scenario never happens in holiday movies. There have been dinners ending in mass disruption, but usually as the result of a feud between dog and cat (think National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation) instead of Uncle and Uncle.
6. If you are in a troubled relationship, it will magically be repaired by Christmas Day.
I cannot count the number of movies I have seen where a couple on the rocks or on the verge of divorce experience a Christmas miracle. Suddenly they are stopping their separation in its tracks, and all of their problems have magically disappeared. Something tells me this isn't how it really works outside of the magic of cinema.
5. If you are single, some life-altering event will lead you to your one true love.
Be it coming home for the first time in years, the death of a friend or family member, or moving due to a new job, one of these events will happen. Of course, this event is met with reluctance at first, but eventually it will be considered a moment of epiphany and substantial change. As this new life is settled in to, the new leading man or lady will sweep you off your feet, and you'll realize that moment of change was the best thing to ever happen, because it lead you to that one special person. So I ask this question: When will I get a job that requires me to relocate?
4. There will be a magical first kiss that will happen on Christmas Eve.
If you don't regularly spend Christmas with your family (biological or urban) this one may actually be a possibility. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't spend Christmas with their family, so I'm thinking this one, while possible, is highly improbable.
3. That same kiss will cause it to snow.
You've seen this scene, and know it usually comes at the end of the movie. The leading man and woman finally get to have that first magical kiss on Christmas Eve. While in each others' embrace, little white snowflakes begin falling from the sky. By the time their kiss is done, they are covered with a light dusting. The snow continues, and has already covers the ground, as the credits begin to roll. I would really love to experience a kiss that controls the weather...
2. Breaking out in song of a Christmas carol will instantly find you with a back-up orchestra, others will join your chorus, and you will all know the same dance routine.
I can't even get my family to join me in singing carols most of the time. On those occasions when I sing along with the music in the mall, strangers passing by, rather than joining in with my carols, look at me oddly. They would certainly never dance with me.
1. You will be caught under the mistletoe with your object of affection.
The tradition surrounding mistletoe was devised, I'm convinced, by a cruel sadistic man. Instead of being teased and prodded into kissing the one person you really want to kiss, you will inevitably be jeered into puckering up with the one guy at the party who still thinks gelling his hair to death is fashionable. Of course, this same guy has been prowling around under the mistletoe all evening just waiting for some unsuspecting victim.
Now with all of that being said, I'm going to watch "The Muppet Christmas Carol." Or maybe "While You Were Sleeping"...