Beginning of a new chapter...
The coming of my 30th birthday brings reflection and goal-setting. I was mentally preparing for this birthday for months, asking myself where I have come and why, where am I going, the classic self-identity questions. I do love birthdays actually, and I will never be one of those people who don't admit their age. I'm proud to be who I am, and have gained the experience I have, so the world should always wish me happy birthday!
Anyway, there has been an interesting transformation that has come over me this month. It's hard to articulate, but we should all be used to that now after geofire's latest entries. (He knows I love him...) I feel, more deeply and purely than I ever have in my life, that I have taken a new step in my journey in this world. Concrete examples of this change make it sound mundane - less procrastination, being more positive, spending much more time being productive than watching TV, being much more careful with my money, going to church, etc. But there is something far beyond that, something that has just shifted in my soul. It is a result of years of struggling in my 20's to figure out who I am. So many factors are involved in the struggle finally moving to a new level, like the wind blowing a page over in an open book. Probably the biggest two factors are finishing law school, and the incomparable stresses that went along with it, and the positive influences of Mary Kay in my life. I think a good way to say it is that I am finally gaining a sense of my own honor, and the responsibility I owe to other people, as well as to myself, to maintain that honor.
I also see, so clearly, the efforts needed now to achieve my goals for years to come. I find myself constantly, almost every 5 minutes, thinking and dreaming of what I want my life to be in 5 and 10 years, in every aspect. I want to be a leader, a mother, a wife, and a lawyer. I want to be someone that inspires people, not someone who complains. I want people to want to be like me, to look at me and wonder, "Could I do that too?" For so many years, I have been hiding behind the need to organize my house in order to do *anything* in my life. I realize now I needed that crutch, I needed to hide in my past, for whatever reason. I needed to replay my insecurities over and over like a broken record, because that kept my mind busy from the business of moving on to the future. I know now though, as surely as I know myself, that I have forever moved to a new chapter. It is a bit scary, because I also know that I can never go back to the way I was, no matter how much I occasionally might want to shirk off the responsiblity and hide again, if only for a little while.
I feel now like I understand the mentality required to build a life worthwhile. It will always be a struggle and a journey, but I have reached a new plateau. Not a bad place to be at age 30. I think my Grandpa would be proud. But then again, he always was.
Anyway, there has been an interesting transformation that has come over me this month. It's hard to articulate, but we should all be used to that now after geofire's latest entries. (He knows I love him...) I feel, more deeply and purely than I ever have in my life, that I have taken a new step in my journey in this world. Concrete examples of this change make it sound mundane - less procrastination, being more positive, spending much more time being productive than watching TV, being much more careful with my money, going to church, etc. But there is something far beyond that, something that has just shifted in my soul. It is a result of years of struggling in my 20's to figure out who I am. So many factors are involved in the struggle finally moving to a new level, like the wind blowing a page over in an open book. Probably the biggest two factors are finishing law school, and the incomparable stresses that went along with it, and the positive influences of Mary Kay in my life. I think a good way to say it is that I am finally gaining a sense of my own honor, and the responsibility I owe to other people, as well as to myself, to maintain that honor.
I also see, so clearly, the efforts needed now to achieve my goals for years to come. I find myself constantly, almost every 5 minutes, thinking and dreaming of what I want my life to be in 5 and 10 years, in every aspect. I want to be a leader, a mother, a wife, and a lawyer. I want to be someone that inspires people, not someone who complains. I want people to want to be like me, to look at me and wonder, "Could I do that too?" For so many years, I have been hiding behind the need to organize my house in order to do *anything* in my life. I realize now I needed that crutch, I needed to hide in my past, for whatever reason. I needed to replay my insecurities over and over like a broken record, because that kept my mind busy from the business of moving on to the future. I know now though, as surely as I know myself, that I have forever moved to a new chapter. It is a bit scary, because I also know that I can never go back to the way I was, no matter how much I occasionally might want to shirk off the responsiblity and hide again, if only for a little while.
I feel now like I understand the mentality required to build a life worthwhile. It will always be a struggle and a journey, but I have reached a new plateau. Not a bad place to be at age 30. I think my Grandpa would be proud. But then again, he always was.