nothingness

[ambercrombie]

It's been probably over a year since I've bothered to update here. And honestly, this is more for me than anyone else. Ironically, I'm watching the indie flick 'Wristcutters: A love Story." Where a guy named Zia goes searching for his ex and finds ( and coincidentally loses) a new love.Wow. isn't that fun and ironic. So, my boss thinks I'm crazy suicidal...I'm not I think. Just crazy. But I have learned the lesson that you can trust next to no one. Because next thing you know...shaBAM. your boss is requiring you to get counseling. Regardless that our personal problems aren't work related. It's already embarassing enough to take yourself to get stitches and end up having AMR called to take you to the nearest ER to evaluate you for a M1........I know I sound insane. I'm sorry. I don't honestly expect anyone to read this. It's not really a 'cry for help,' but merely a need to get this off my chest. My english teacher loves to say that all caps lock is like yelling in print. Well, FUCK. FUCK IT ALL. I CAN'T BE NORMAL LIKE YOU WANT. I AM ME. I MAY BE CRAZY. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. ALL I REALLY KNOW IS THAT I WANT TO SCREAM. AND SHOW YOU THAT EIGHT STITCHES IN THE FUCKING ER IS WORTH YOUR ATTENTION. FUCK IT ALL. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I JUST WANT TO STOP EXISTING. ONLY THE GUILT OF LEAVING MY LOVED ONES BEHIND STOPS ME. THEREPY ISN'T GOING TO HELP. I'M FUCKING WORTHLESS. AND INSANE. I KNOW IT. OTHERWISE ATIVAN, CYMBALTA, AND LUNESTA WOULDN'T BE MY BEST FRIENDS. I WILL NEVER BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE, I GIVE UP. I AM JUST me.
My scars will never fade, my memories will never fade. I fear I will always be broken and I don't want to be repaired no matter how much I cry out. It is just too frightening to be part of the real world.

One mistake. Five Hours. Eight stiches. Eternal regret. Forever remorseful.