Bad Weeksss
It's been an up and down couple of weeks. I've been struggling. Downtrodden. And it's been a month since I last checked in here. Right now I'm sitting here typing away, waiting for my car to be serviced. It's been a month since we lost Bowie. That week was awful. After Bowie, it was Alan Rickman, and then Dan Haggerty. Three superstars that were important to whom I am today. All helped form me in some way. All now gone and back to the stars. I was in a state of grief all week.
And to top that I didn't see Crush at all this particular week. He is the one bright spot at work to me. I was hoping to see his smile and playfulness but he has more responsibilities now. And it seems like he's withdrawn from me. With the way I've been feeling I haven't even been scanning the floor for him. Then the next week was weird, he almost plowed into me as he was running from another co-worker. No idea what that was about and I really didn't care other than he could have knocked me down. Then a day or two later, he was near the front talking on the phone, leaned over a desk, and another employee nearby who gave me a wave and a smile, when all of a sudden he straightened up and whipped his head around towards me, for some reason that freaked me out a bit and all I did was nod and kept walking. He had said something but I couldn't hear him. Then towards the end of the week, I had sent out a scathing email to him about a work related task and that got his attention at full fury. By the time he got down to me, I was busy, pissed, and in no mood to talk to him. I snapped him off but he didn't see my point on anything I don't think. I don't think he had wanted to be bothered with me either. I think he talked at me more than with me. I could feel the exasperation and what felt like almost hatred between us. Doesn't matter, in that, another restructuring happened the following week where a lot of heads rolled out the door. I'm still wondering how I survived that.
And to make matters worse, there was something I totally screwed up at work which was something I should have caught and missed. It caught the attention of a lot of the higher ups in the plant. And Crush was the one to show and correct me on this mistake. I think I was mortified. I felt stupid. And to make matters worse, I could feel the tears building up. I dug my fingernail into my palm hard. My lips disappeared under my teeth as I willed myself not to cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't.Cry. I could feel my eyes reddening as well as tears slowly starting to build in them. I couldn't look at him. Glances, yes. He wasn't mean about it, just instructive. Somehow, I made it through that, walked back to my desk, tried to calm down, answered the dock door, talked briefly with someone else, with tears starting to fill my eyes the whole time. Finally, I just walked up to the bathroom, locked in a stall, and started sobbing. I didn't care who saw or heard me at that point. I didn't think they would stop. Blow nose. Splash water on face. Try to deal. And this continued throughout the night. Blood red eyes and a tearstained, flushed face. Not pretty. I would have done anything for someone to grab my hand or arm, give a half hug, bump, or squeeze. I was completely ungrounded.
There's lots of other stuff going on as well. One of my recently made good friends is now leaving for Texas. There's going to be quite a big shindig at a very trendy restaurant and we've been invited to it. Not sure how we made the cut but we did. For me it's another loss of someone I probably won't necessarily see again. All of these losses add up over time. And it seems like the older you get, the harder it is to accept.
To occupy my mind, I've been trying to do other things. I told myself I would try to read 50 books this year. I can say I have half a dozen started but somehow lose interest and end up back on social media. Once I get the ball rolling, I'll post reviews here.
There's always more to write but it appears I'm handing over an entire paycheck on car repairs. Ugh. ::::long sigh::::
And to top that I didn't see Crush at all this particular week. He is the one bright spot at work to me. I was hoping to see his smile and playfulness but he has more responsibilities now. And it seems like he's withdrawn from me. With the way I've been feeling I haven't even been scanning the floor for him. Then the next week was weird, he almost plowed into me as he was running from another co-worker. No idea what that was about and I really didn't care other than he could have knocked me down. Then a day or two later, he was near the front talking on the phone, leaned over a desk, and another employee nearby who gave me a wave and a smile, when all of a sudden he straightened up and whipped his head around towards me, for some reason that freaked me out a bit and all I did was nod and kept walking. He had said something but I couldn't hear him. Then towards the end of the week, I had sent out a scathing email to him about a work related task and that got his attention at full fury. By the time he got down to me, I was busy, pissed, and in no mood to talk to him. I snapped him off but he didn't see my point on anything I don't think. I don't think he had wanted to be bothered with me either. I think he talked at me more than with me. I could feel the exasperation and what felt like almost hatred between us. Doesn't matter, in that, another restructuring happened the following week where a lot of heads rolled out the door. I'm still wondering how I survived that.
And to make matters worse, there was something I totally screwed up at work which was something I should have caught and missed. It caught the attention of a lot of the higher ups in the plant. And Crush was the one to show and correct me on this mistake. I think I was mortified. I felt stupid. And to make matters worse, I could feel the tears building up. I dug my fingernail into my palm hard. My lips disappeared under my teeth as I willed myself not to cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't.Cry. I could feel my eyes reddening as well as tears slowly starting to build in them. I couldn't look at him. Glances, yes. He wasn't mean about it, just instructive. Somehow, I made it through that, walked back to my desk, tried to calm down, answered the dock door, talked briefly with someone else, with tears starting to fill my eyes the whole time. Finally, I just walked up to the bathroom, locked in a stall, and started sobbing. I didn't care who saw or heard me at that point. I didn't think they would stop. Blow nose. Splash water on face. Try to deal. And this continued throughout the night. Blood red eyes and a tearstained, flushed face. Not pretty. I would have done anything for someone to grab my hand or arm, give a half hug, bump, or squeeze. I was completely ungrounded.
There's lots of other stuff going on as well. One of my recently made good friends is now leaving for Texas. There's going to be quite a big shindig at a very trendy restaurant and we've been invited to it. Not sure how we made the cut but we did. For me it's another loss of someone I probably won't necessarily see again. All of these losses add up over time. And it seems like the older you get, the harder it is to accept.
To occupy my mind, I've been trying to do other things. I told myself I would try to read 50 books this year. I can say I have half a dozen started but somehow lose interest and end up back on social media. Once I get the ball rolling, I'll post reviews here.
There's always more to write but it appears I'm handing over an entire paycheck on car repairs. Ugh. ::::long sigh::::