(no subject)
so, here I am, feeling like a whiny bitch.
Part of me is going, you're alive. You have a wonderful family, a gorgeous husband that loves you as best as he can. 3 healthy, smart, and cute children who play great together, two of the youngest are currently playing wildly with the dog. And a sweet little kitten that is sleeping on my lap.
But part of me is yelling 'why me??' 'what next??'
It's getting to be to much, how much more do I have to handle? How much more do I have to bleed internally, be asked to give up? I did, I gave up what was asked, I did it for the health of my family, for the health of Vince and Dana's family. But what about Me? I didn't think about me, because everyone else was more important.
1. first the baby, and knowing I was growing another life, savouring my symptoms. Apologizing over and over. Grieving that I was going to be a murderer and kill this child, for NO REASON beyond the two men I love wanted me to.
2. Then the miscarriage. Horrible horrible experience.
3The ER. it was really bad. I made it sound funny and ok. But that many hours in the ER is bad no matter what. Plus a couple of TMI things that happened. And everyone apologizing about me 'loosing' the baby.
4. Then Vince, and letting him go. I spent time with him and Dana this weekend and it's really hard, really hard. To sit next to him and not cuddle. To not just kiss him cuz I feel like it, to not be able to touch him other than the most casually. I wasn't before for about a month because Dana would throw me hard looks no matter what she thinks she was doing. And because Vince just didn't seem to encourage it. I still don't know if he wanted to break up or not. I just couldn't take being so far below second class anymore. Feeling like I was not important at all. I don't think I'm going to hang out with them for a while. It hurts to much. I want him back. But it's no use, I'd be right back in the same spot before that hurt to much.
So I gave up that dream and that love.
5. Lice. And here I am, supposed to be on like modified bed rest. And WHO do you think has to do all this fucking laundry and vaccuming. E's not combing my hair constantly. I'll tell you that. And my hair is halfway down my back. It's long and involved and I'm in a lot of fucking pain. Out of vicodin, not that it worked ALL that great. and I've still got more laundry and vaccuming to do. Plus all the other regular chores.
6. Oh yay. something else happened that so utterly TMI I won't share. Lets just say that it sucks complete ass.
I've got immunotherapy for HOURS on wednesday. I'll probably go into anaphalactic shock or something. But spending hours getting stuck with needle after needle sounds fun. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get my allergies under control. Because they are anything BUT.
But I just can't handle anymore pain and grief right now.
I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what I need.
I'm out of books to, so no mythical world to loose myself in right now. And E's got the pathfinder, he doesn't want me driving the valiant right now so I can't go to the library and get more.
I just don't know. If I was a weaker person I'd get fuck'd up drunk and let the kids just be. They've already eaten and they can watch tv for hours. But I won't. I won't smoke out while I'm in charge of them. I won't get drunk. The closest I'll get is reading constantly.
I can't handle all of this inside of me. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll find it somewhere in me in a little bit to be strong again. But I'm just not right now.
Dana also invited me to come with her and Vince to her baby shower at her moms in Southern Florida. I will probably go, yesterday it sounded like fun. But right now it sounds like my idea of hell.
Part of me is going, you're alive. You have a wonderful family, a gorgeous husband that loves you as best as he can. 3 healthy, smart, and cute children who play great together, two of the youngest are currently playing wildly with the dog. And a sweet little kitten that is sleeping on my lap.
But part of me is yelling 'why me??' 'what next??'
It's getting to be to much, how much more do I have to handle? How much more do I have to bleed internally, be asked to give up? I did, I gave up what was asked, I did it for the health of my family, for the health of Vince and Dana's family. But what about Me? I didn't think about me, because everyone else was more important.
1. first the baby, and knowing I was growing another life, savouring my symptoms. Apologizing over and over. Grieving that I was going to be a murderer and kill this child, for NO REASON beyond the two men I love wanted me to.
2. Then the miscarriage. Horrible horrible experience.
3The ER. it was really bad. I made it sound funny and ok. But that many hours in the ER is bad no matter what. Plus a couple of TMI things that happened. And everyone apologizing about me 'loosing' the baby.
4. Then Vince, and letting him go. I spent time with him and Dana this weekend and it's really hard, really hard. To sit next to him and not cuddle. To not just kiss him cuz I feel like it, to not be able to touch him other than the most casually. I wasn't before for about a month because Dana would throw me hard looks no matter what she thinks she was doing. And because Vince just didn't seem to encourage it. I still don't know if he wanted to break up or not. I just couldn't take being so far below second class anymore. Feeling like I was not important at all. I don't think I'm going to hang out with them for a while. It hurts to much. I want him back. But it's no use, I'd be right back in the same spot before that hurt to much.
So I gave up that dream and that love.
5. Lice. And here I am, supposed to be on like modified bed rest. And WHO do you think has to do all this fucking laundry and vaccuming. E's not combing my hair constantly. I'll tell you that. And my hair is halfway down my back. It's long and involved and I'm in a lot of fucking pain. Out of vicodin, not that it worked ALL that great. and I've still got more laundry and vaccuming to do. Plus all the other regular chores.
6. Oh yay. something else happened that so utterly TMI I won't share. Lets just say that it sucks complete ass.
I've got immunotherapy for HOURS on wednesday. I'll probably go into anaphalactic shock or something. But spending hours getting stuck with needle after needle sounds fun. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get my allergies under control. Because they are anything BUT.
But I just can't handle anymore pain and grief right now.
I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what I need.
I'm out of books to, so no mythical world to loose myself in right now. And E's got the pathfinder, he doesn't want me driving the valiant right now so I can't go to the library and get more.
I just don't know. If I was a weaker person I'd get fuck'd up drunk and let the kids just be. They've already eaten and they can watch tv for hours. But I won't. I won't smoke out while I'm in charge of them. I won't get drunk. The closest I'll get is reading constantly.
I can't handle all of this inside of me. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll find it somewhere in me in a little bit to be strong again. But I'm just not right now.
Dana also invited me to come with her and Vince to her baby shower at her moms in Southern Florida. I will probably go, yesterday it sounded like fun. But right now it sounds like my idea of hell.