can you come over and just hold me for a while?
so used to being alone in these things...feeling like maybe if i just close myself up in these walls i've built for so long i'll be able to get through anything...but now i have him to hold me up when i feel like i'm slipping, like i just can't handle it all on my own. and im sure sometimes it seems to him like i don't need him, like i can just deal with it all on my own, but that's so far from the truth. i've been so busy getting upset about the few things he's done "wrong" that i've failed to even notice how unfair i've been to him and what fault i've been committing that's so much bigger than him forgetting to call me every once in a while in the past. just because you think you're letting someone in completely, doesn't mean you are. just because you say you trust him completely...doesn't mean your actions back that up. i do trust him. i trust him completely, he's the only person i'd ever feel truly able to tell anything to, but my actions have been far from backing that up. but it scares me to open up about some of my past; it is the darkest things about myself, the things that i hate so much about myself that i hide from him...that i gloss over with "i'm fine" and "it's no big deal," but as always, he knows im not fine and it is a big deal. so it's this letting him completely in thing that i've been overlooking...i think subconsciously i figured if i didn't let him see the things i hate most about myself, then he'd have no reason to hate me or leave me, as childish and irrational though that may sound. the things i hide from him are the things that disgust me most with myself and i could never handle seeing a switch in his eyes, in the way he looks at me, if what i told him, if what i said, changed how he felt about me, changed everything. but today, i think i really truly realized we'd be okay no matter what, that i really don't have anything to hide, although i shouldn't have- i thought that telling him what i've been so worried about these past few days would freak him out, or send him panicking, but he proved me wrong as i should have known he would- and the moment he said "you know i'd be there for you through whatever happens" ...i finally knew what i should have known the whole time