It's never easy...
Life truly is the hardest part of existence. Nothing is easy and peaceful anymore. To survive you have to slave away for money with which you buy food, shelter, clothing, and sometimes even love. You need money for everything in today's society. If you have too little of it, you die. If you have too much of it, you could end up being killed.
And when people are killed, they die.
My parents are getting up there in years. I'm not a child anymore either, something that weighs heavily on me emotionally, as death is the biggest and most terrifying fear I have. My mother does what my Grandmother always did when she was alive, saying she's ready for death and wants to just have the rest it would bring. I don't think she realizes how much this tears at me emotionally. Everyday I live fearing old age and death. Everyday I fear being killed or dying in any of the numerous possible ways that exist in this time. Accidents, murders, disease. The list goes on and on. And even though I am an adult, my world is so heavily attached to my parents that even the thought of losing them sends me into a mini panic attack or depression.
I had a thought while I was remembering what she said about being ready for the rest death brought and that was:
How can she be so ready? Wont she miss us? You can hope that you'll be able to see everyone you love in heaven but you never know who you might never see again. Not everyone goes to heaven.
I want to know how she can be so ready to accept death when it comes, when it means leaving us all behind....The thought breaks my heart and sends me into an uncontrollable sense of loneliness and loss. The tears that shed from my eyes can't even express the terrible pain the thought brings to my heart, the emptiness that my chest feels, this empty void that explodes inside of it and makes me want to scream in pain and despair.
It scares me...I'm scared and I feel the child in me crying out in that fear as the tears stream down my face and it gets harder and harder to breath as sob alone in my room. Wanting, and inwardly desperately needing, my mother to tell me everything will be alright. I don't ever tell her the desperate feeling of despair those thoughts of hers cause me because I am an adult and I want my mother to think of me as one, but I know that no matter what I'll never be anything more then her baby, and like her baby, I want her to hold me and comfort me. I want her to chase away the pain and fears and tell me everything will be alright, when I know it's something that will happen eventually and can't be stopped...
I just want her to tell me everything will be alright.
And when people are killed, they die.
My parents are getting up there in years. I'm not a child anymore either, something that weighs heavily on me emotionally, as death is the biggest and most terrifying fear I have. My mother does what my Grandmother always did when she was alive, saying she's ready for death and wants to just have the rest it would bring. I don't think she realizes how much this tears at me emotionally. Everyday I live fearing old age and death. Everyday I fear being killed or dying in any of the numerous possible ways that exist in this time. Accidents, murders, disease. The list goes on and on. And even though I am an adult, my world is so heavily attached to my parents that even the thought of losing them sends me into a mini panic attack or depression.
I had a thought while I was remembering what she said about being ready for the rest death brought and that was:
How can she be so ready? Wont she miss us? You can hope that you'll be able to see everyone you love in heaven but you never know who you might never see again. Not everyone goes to heaven.
I want to know how she can be so ready to accept death when it comes, when it means leaving us all behind....The thought breaks my heart and sends me into an uncontrollable sense of loneliness and loss. The tears that shed from my eyes can't even express the terrible pain the thought brings to my heart, the emptiness that my chest feels, this empty void that explodes inside of it and makes me want to scream in pain and despair.
It scares me...I'm scared and I feel the child in me crying out in that fear as the tears stream down my face and it gets harder and harder to breath as sob alone in my room. Wanting, and inwardly desperately needing, my mother to tell me everything will be alright. I don't ever tell her the desperate feeling of despair those thoughts of hers cause me because I am an adult and I want my mother to think of me as one, but I know that no matter what I'll never be anything more then her baby, and like her baby, I want her to hold me and comfort me. I want her to chase away the pain and fears and tell me everything will be alright, when I know it's something that will happen eventually and can't be stopped...
I just want her to tell me everything will be alright.