It's always about me...
I know I sound like an Emo bitch all the time. I nag, I whine, and I never have anything good to say. Maybe thats because I only use this journal when I have something thats constricting my chest so tightly that I don't know what to do....I cry, and I plead, and no matter how much I sob, it never releases it's hold on my lungs and my ribs, constricting till it crushes the very beat from my heart.
It all started with Sherry...It all ends with Sherry. My mom would choose Sherry's life over any of ours. She's choose any of Sherry's bastard children over us... Don't get me wrong....Jamie is going to do pretty good in her life once she outgrows her attitude. Even if she doesn't, She's a pretty girl, athletic and smart, and she could go a long way if she really wanted to. I don't know about Josh. I only saw him for a little while before he moved back down to Florida with his dad. Heard he's selling drugs for Jimmy, but who knows...All I know is what I hear from Jordan, the only true bastard of the litter. He's a thief, a lier, and all he does is try to split our family apart.
And thats exactly what he's doing....
My mom sides with him all the time because he's 16. He gets to steal money from our change jar and she won't do shit about it. I get paid $20 a week to feed/water her two dogs and my dad's (While taking care of my own two dogs). I rake the yard because she'd like a clean yard. I try to do laundry, but recently our water has had an iron problem, so we've kind of been SOL there. I wash dishes when I see some in the sink if my grandmother hasn't gotten to them first, and I've been trying to make lunch and dinner for us for the last few nights. I might not have a real job and I might not work full time and even over time like her and my father do...But I see taking care of the dogs as a 24/7 job. I get up with them at 9 or10 am. I take them outside, hook them up to their chains, feed and water them. I make sure they don't bark excessively when they're outside all day, and I make sure they have water and everything. If it storms, I bring them in. At night, I bring them in.
So I know I don't do a lot...but I try.
So yesterday...he made fun of me. He picked and prodded at my weight, my looks, how I don't have any real friends, and why I don't have friends. He made me feel like shit...but he always does. He makes me feel worthless. He makes me feel scared to live in my own house when he's here. He's stabbed me in the legs with Chinese throwing stars before, but I've never gotten anything more then bruises because my jeans stop any real damage from happening. He's made me feel like killing myself would be better then living through this more times then I want to admit. He's threatened to lie to the police and tell them all these horrible things and say I did them to get me locked up and I can't even defend myself when he does this shit to me because he's only 16 and I'm turning 21.
And he gets away with it. Thats what gets to me most...he gets away with it.
My mother sides with him over everyone else. her own children? Fuck them. Sherry's offspring matter more.
Yesterday, he picked my physical appearance apart. He tormented with my looks, my weight, and the fact that none of my friends have stuck around... he attacked my animals, lunging at my dad's Military Macaw to chase her off her perch, potentially hurting her, just to laugh and go, "Oops...Amber, the bird fell of her perch thing." And then he had the nerve to tell me the soup i worked hard on (It was my first time making it) sucked. He dumped Ramen noodles in it, and pissed me off....and she sides with him about it, because he's 16. He's stolen my dads cigarettes and money, and probably a lot of our personal items to tell for his drug addiction....but she dies with him over us all...Gives him money, feeds him, shelters him....and all he does is shower here, eat here, and sleep here...he doesn't help with any chores, he torments us all...and thats okay with her...
I don't understand it...I stayed in school, I was the first out of 5 kids to graduate, my older sister, Tammy, following a month later...My brothers are hard workers, even if they dropped out of school. They have families, they're caring fathers....But her drug addict daughter matters more...Sherry's lying, thieving offspring matter more...because I only did better because I "had better parents" then he did...
Yea...I grew up being called a dumb fucking bitch, a retarded little bitch. My mother rarely remembered my name first time calling me unless I was in trouble. She's smacked me for cussing, she's hit me for verbally fighting with Jamie. She's called me retarded and a bitch all my life...and thats better parenting? My grandmother from my mothers side was the only real mother I knew...and she's died...She's gone... My father is the only parent I've ever really had...and my mother is doing all of this to him...to us...
I don't understand...I've always tried my best...and it's never been good enough....I don't understand....
Edit: She called and told me she wasn't mad at me and didn't blame my father for wanting the little fucker out, but that she had to take some responsibility for him because he's only 16. Whatever... He's emancipated himself from his father, and he took care of himself for 6 months in Florida. If he can't do that anymore because he refuses to actually get a job and wants to mooch off his family and fuck our family up, and she's willing to let him, then she obviously never wanted to fucking try anyways.
It's her way of telling me and my father to fuck off.
So she can just....I don't even want to talk to her again. I'm sickened by the fact that she can call my ex-best friends mother names for choosing her new husband over her children because he;s such a disgusting, mean person. To say that that woman should have chosen her own children over anything else in the world, and yet here she is siding with someone who hit and stabbed her child in the legs with Chinese throwing starts, whose verbally and emotionally abused her child. How is she any fucking better then that other woman?
So...I'm just fucking sick of her. Now I know why my brothers and sisters never come over unless then need something from my mother and father. They don't want to be around her.
It all started with Sherry...It all ends with Sherry. My mom would choose Sherry's life over any of ours. She's choose any of Sherry's bastard children over us... Don't get me wrong....Jamie is going to do pretty good in her life once she outgrows her attitude. Even if she doesn't, She's a pretty girl, athletic and smart, and she could go a long way if she really wanted to. I don't know about Josh. I only saw him for a little while before he moved back down to Florida with his dad. Heard he's selling drugs for Jimmy, but who knows...All I know is what I hear from Jordan, the only true bastard of the litter. He's a thief, a lier, and all he does is try to split our family apart.
And thats exactly what he's doing....
My mom sides with him all the time because he's 16. He gets to steal money from our change jar and she won't do shit about it. I get paid $20 a week to feed/water her two dogs and my dad's (While taking care of my own two dogs). I rake the yard because she'd like a clean yard. I try to do laundry, but recently our water has had an iron problem, so we've kind of been SOL there. I wash dishes when I see some in the sink if my grandmother hasn't gotten to them first, and I've been trying to make lunch and dinner for us for the last few nights. I might not have a real job and I might not work full time and even over time like her and my father do...But I see taking care of the dogs as a 24/7 job. I get up with them at 9 or10 am. I take them outside, hook them up to their chains, feed and water them. I make sure they don't bark excessively when they're outside all day, and I make sure they have water and everything. If it storms, I bring them in. At night, I bring them in.
So I know I don't do a lot...but I try.
So yesterday...he made fun of me. He picked and prodded at my weight, my looks, how I don't have any real friends, and why I don't have friends. He made me feel like shit...but he always does. He makes me feel worthless. He makes me feel scared to live in my own house when he's here. He's stabbed me in the legs with Chinese throwing stars before, but I've never gotten anything more then bruises because my jeans stop any real damage from happening. He's made me feel like killing myself would be better then living through this more times then I want to admit. He's threatened to lie to the police and tell them all these horrible things and say I did them to get me locked up and I can't even defend myself when he does this shit to me because he's only 16 and I'm turning 21.
And he gets away with it. Thats what gets to me most...he gets away with it.
My mother sides with him over everyone else. her own children? Fuck them. Sherry's offspring matter more.
Yesterday, he picked my physical appearance apart. He tormented with my looks, my weight, and the fact that none of my friends have stuck around... he attacked my animals, lunging at my dad's Military Macaw to chase her off her perch, potentially hurting her, just to laugh and go, "Oops...Amber, the bird fell of her perch thing." And then he had the nerve to tell me the soup i worked hard on (It was my first time making it) sucked. He dumped Ramen noodles in it, and pissed me off....and she sides with him about it, because he's 16. He's stolen my dads cigarettes and money, and probably a lot of our personal items to tell for his drug addiction....but she dies with him over us all...Gives him money, feeds him, shelters him....and all he does is shower here, eat here, and sleep here...he doesn't help with any chores, he torments us all...and thats okay with her...
I don't understand it...I stayed in school, I was the first out of 5 kids to graduate, my older sister, Tammy, following a month later...My brothers are hard workers, even if they dropped out of school. They have families, they're caring fathers....But her drug addict daughter matters more...Sherry's lying, thieving offspring matter more...because I only did better because I "had better parents" then he did...
Yea...I grew up being called a dumb fucking bitch, a retarded little bitch. My mother rarely remembered my name first time calling me unless I was in trouble. She's smacked me for cussing, she's hit me for verbally fighting with Jamie. She's called me retarded and a bitch all my life...and thats better parenting? My grandmother from my mothers side was the only real mother I knew...and she's died...She's gone... My father is the only parent I've ever really had...and my mother is doing all of this to him...to us...
I don't understand...I've always tried my best...and it's never been good enough....I don't understand....
Edit: She called and told me she wasn't mad at me and didn't blame my father for wanting the little fucker out, but that she had to take some responsibility for him because he's only 16. Whatever... He's emancipated himself from his father, and he took care of himself for 6 months in Florida. If he can't do that anymore because he refuses to actually get a job and wants to mooch off his family and fuck our family up, and she's willing to let him, then she obviously never wanted to fucking try anyways.
It's her way of telling me and my father to fuck off.
So she can just....I don't even want to talk to her again. I'm sickened by the fact that she can call my ex-best friends mother names for choosing her new husband over her children because he;s such a disgusting, mean person. To say that that woman should have chosen her own children over anything else in the world, and yet here she is siding with someone who hit and stabbed her child in the legs with Chinese throwing starts, whose verbally and emotionally abused her child. How is she any fucking better then that other woman?
So...I'm just fucking sick of her. Now I know why my brothers and sisters never come over unless then need something from my mother and father. They don't want to be around her.