Public Post!! [oh my god!]
Usually I'd cut this, since it's so long. But since it amused me greatly, and since it's everything a man needs to know before going anywhere near a woman...I'm not cutting it..and I'm making it public. Woo!
**40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN**
1)
NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and
trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO
HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this.
Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if
you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake.
That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a
porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your
partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side,
it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most
men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING
HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down
like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are
highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them
gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a
dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing
where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're
trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole
breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER
PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas
of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing
straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8)
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to
be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11)
STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left
off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can
tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12)
UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING
HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties
can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and
yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE
VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they
still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your
hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a
chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can
hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to
her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip
a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO
ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to
get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees
are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by
stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your
stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18)
GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -
she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19)
GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every
man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her
eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21)
NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour
without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely
the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings,
so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon
Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23)
PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer
of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently
rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING
HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis,
hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate
this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their
hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm
tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't
thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there.
And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN
MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate
over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28)
MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying
there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND
PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for
not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask
her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30)
TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll
hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of
them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything
from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking
it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot
candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33)
ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed,
fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask
yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.
35)
GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on
the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have
to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37)
TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling
a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38)
NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on
trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
x
**40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN**
1)
NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and
trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO
HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this.
Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if
you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake.
That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a
porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your
partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side,
it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most
men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING
HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down
like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are
highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them
gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a
dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing
where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're
trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole
breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER
PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas
of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing
straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8)
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to
be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11)
STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left
off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can
tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12)
UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING
HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties
can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and
yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE
VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they
still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your
hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a
chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can
hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to
her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip
a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO
ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to
get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees
are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by
stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your
stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18)
GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -
she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19)
GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every
man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her
eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21)
NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour
without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely
the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings,
so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon
Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23)
PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer
of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently
rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING
HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis,
hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate
this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their
hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm
tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't
thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there.
And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN
MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate
over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28)
MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying
there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND
PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for
not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask
her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30)
TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll
hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of
them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything
from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking
it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot
candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33)
ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed,
fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask
yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.
35)
GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on
the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have
to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37)
TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling
a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38)
NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on
trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
x