(no subject)
I need to stop making myself throw up. I know I can do it; I’ve already done it before. I know I still have the drive, the will-power, the persistence... I just don’t have Jordan. Can I do it alone? I’d like to think I can. But don’t know if it’s true. The truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared and I don’t have someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I don’t have someone to tell me I’m beautiful when I feel so far from it. I don’t have someone to wipe away my tears of frustration and anger. I hate admitting that I have become so dependent on others. Dependence is weakness. When did I become so weak?
I can’t help but reflect on the better days, the days when I was young, carefree and fearless...the days when a mirror was just a shiny piece of metal that displayed the toothy grin of a mis-matched girl perfectly content with being imperfect. I know that it is impossible to go back to those days. But is it possible to gain back some of the power the cold and hard metal has robbed me of? And is it possible to do it all on my own?
I know that if I can do this, I can finally be at ease. I can finally fit in with my peers. I will no longer be forced to mask all of my inner pain and torment I (after all, these days the mask seems to be losing it’s effectiveness...becoming somewhat transparent). I think it is time to trade in the mask for a new, more natural look. It may not earn me the admiration and respect of strangers and acquaintances, but it will me love (whatever that is) from those who truly matter. And who knows, maybe eventually the admiration and respect of someone I seem to have lost touch with long ago- myself.
So here is my plan. I’m ready to stop throwing up, but I’m not ready to gain weight. If I do, I’m sure I will just freak out and give in to the bulimia, the comfortable normalcy. What I need to do, is to first off start taking my medicine. This scares me, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m ashamed that my body depends on these pills, that my physical and mental well-being depend on over-priced white tablets prescribed by a man who overcharges. Ashamed that I depend on this man, and money, and prescriptions. I am so damn dependent, and I HATE it. But the meds are a necessity, and no matter who degrading I must force myself to start each day with four pills and a glass of water.
Next, I need to stop eating so carelessly. And so impulsively. I need to plan when and what I will eat, and then stick to this plan, so that the calories feel justified and the nourishment will remain in my stomach instead of ending up in the toilet.
Additionally, I need to continue to exercise. I need to do this so I don’t feel lazy and worthless and fat and weak. I am already forced to be mentally weak (a.k.a. dependent). I need to keep my body strong. And maybe, with my new eating plan, I can get more from my workouts. I can push myself harder without feeling as if I am going to A, pass out, or B, die (I don’t know what scares me more the feelings themselves or the face that I know their occurrence is highly realistic.
And I need to start being honest. No more lying to myself.
You know what is going to be hard though? It’s going to be hard to stop pushing people away; to admit that I was wrong, and to apologize for how hurtful and selfish I have been. And it’s going to be hard to feel, because I will no longer be numbing myself with sleep and lightheadedness preoccupations about food and weight and binges and purges and hunger pangs.
Wow I don’t know if I can do this. Its gonna hurt like hell. I don’t know...is it worth it?
I still want to be skinny though. And I am no where near that. Is it possible for me to lose weight with this plan?
Wow, I sure do have a long road ahead of me.
I can’t help but reflect on the better days, the days when I was young, carefree and fearless...the days when a mirror was just a shiny piece of metal that displayed the toothy grin of a mis-matched girl perfectly content with being imperfect. I know that it is impossible to go back to those days. But is it possible to gain back some of the power the cold and hard metal has robbed me of? And is it possible to do it all on my own?
I know that if I can do this, I can finally be at ease. I can finally fit in with my peers. I will no longer be forced to mask all of my inner pain and torment I (after all, these days the mask seems to be losing it’s effectiveness...becoming somewhat transparent). I think it is time to trade in the mask for a new, more natural look. It may not earn me the admiration and respect of strangers and acquaintances, but it will me love (whatever that is) from those who truly matter. And who knows, maybe eventually the admiration and respect of someone I seem to have lost touch with long ago- myself.
So here is my plan. I’m ready to stop throwing up, but I’m not ready to gain weight. If I do, I’m sure I will just freak out and give in to the bulimia, the comfortable normalcy. What I need to do, is to first off start taking my medicine. This scares me, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m ashamed that my body depends on these pills, that my physical and mental well-being depend on over-priced white tablets prescribed by a man who overcharges. Ashamed that I depend on this man, and money, and prescriptions. I am so damn dependent, and I HATE it. But the meds are a necessity, and no matter who degrading I must force myself to start each day with four pills and a glass of water.
Next, I need to stop eating so carelessly. And so impulsively. I need to plan when and what I will eat, and then stick to this plan, so that the calories feel justified and the nourishment will remain in my stomach instead of ending up in the toilet.
Additionally, I need to continue to exercise. I need to do this so I don’t feel lazy and worthless and fat and weak. I am already forced to be mentally weak (a.k.a. dependent). I need to keep my body strong. And maybe, with my new eating plan, I can get more from my workouts. I can push myself harder without feeling as if I am going to A, pass out, or B, die (I don’t know what scares me more the feelings themselves or the face that I know their occurrence is highly realistic.
And I need to start being honest. No more lying to myself.
You know what is going to be hard though? It’s going to be hard to stop pushing people away; to admit that I was wrong, and to apologize for how hurtful and selfish I have been. And it’s going to be hard to feel, because I will no longer be numbing myself with sleep and lightheadedness preoccupations about food and weight and binges and purges and hunger pangs.
Wow I don’t know if I can do this. Its gonna hurt like hell. I don’t know...is it worth it?
I still want to be skinny though. And I am no where near that. Is it possible for me to lose weight with this plan?
Wow, I sure do have a long road ahead of me.