I'm Still Here
Every year it gets easier. Every year I feel it but I also fear that if I don't cry or I don't show my loss that it means somehow I have forgotten. How silly is that? How could I ever forget? But I find myself having this deep seeded fear that this year....I won't cry and that disturbs me to the point that the loss of my son is all I can think about. It consumes me to the point that I force myself into depression because if I don't cry....if it doesn't make me sad...then I'm not a worthy parent. What ever gave me this notion? No one expects me to be happy or sad, no one expects anything from me. So where did this need to punish myself come from?
I don't think I've ever forgiven myself. I think that somewhere deep down, down in the places I don't like to peek, where all the pain and anger have been living for the last 15 years....I think down there, I feel that I got what I deserved. I am not an overly religious person but I do believe in God and some small part of me feels that I need to be punished. I have to remember that pain every year....because I considered ending his life. God gave me a gift and I was going to toss it away but when I realized this was something I wanted, it was taken away. Now, I've read all of the reports and I know in my head that I was not to blame but my heart just can't seem to get on the same page but this year....maybe my head and my heart will get together and have a bowling date with my soul. Maybe this is the year, I forgive myself.
I'm still here after all. I'm not going anywhere and I have been given so many gifts....my rock; my husband, my beautiful children, a wonderful set of friends I couldn't live without and my annoying family.
I'm still here and I'm ready for forgive....at last.
I don't think I've ever forgiven myself. I think that somewhere deep down, down in the places I don't like to peek, where all the pain and anger have been living for the last 15 years....I think down there, I feel that I got what I deserved. I am not an overly religious person but I do believe in God and some small part of me feels that I need to be punished. I have to remember that pain every year....because I considered ending his life. God gave me a gift and I was going to toss it away but when I realized this was something I wanted, it was taken away. Now, I've read all of the reports and I know in my head that I was not to blame but my heart just can't seem to get on the same page but this year....maybe my head and my heart will get together and have a bowling date with my soul. Maybe this is the year, I forgive myself.
I'm still here after all. I'm not going anywhere and I have been given so many gifts....my rock; my husband, my beautiful children, a wonderful set of friends I couldn't live without and my annoying family.
I'm still here and I'm ready for forgive....at last.