REVELATIONS....
okay so... i woke up feeling like... idunno. im always on edge but i was coming to all these realizations about myself. this is why i am sooo torn right now... i have been sitting here for like 3 days trying to make myself feel better. i felt rejected, unloved, and betrayed by someone that i held in such high regard. because i felt bad about myself i wanted to get back at mike. i told lora, all i have to do is set foot out of newberry and grab a boy and i'm fine. michael did not not want his penis pleasured when he got with those girls. he wanted to make himself feel better because he felt like i didnt care about him. whatev, btw. what the fuck ever. also, the day after he "liberated" me i got an e-mail that was all "i fucking smoked pot. i smoked pot." and i remember when i read that i fuckign laughed, because the very night before i said to lora, tomorrow i will get a picture of bitch with a note saying, i fucked her. he's gfonna fuck up b/c he cant handle it.. i'm smart. i was just like "way to go punish yourself to get back at me. its not hurting me when you fuck yourself up." but you know what frosts my fuckign cookies? his behavior is absolutely unnecessary and immature. however, i'm the same way. instead of taking care of myself i want to fuck myself up and fuck myself over just so that i can feel like i got back at mike for making me hate myself, and then what happens when i never see him again.. i dont feel better about myself and i'm with another asshole boy who doesnt give a fuck about me because i couldnt take care of myself for real, and i just decide to be a fucking stoner ass bitch.
i think that's why mike is soo unbelievably predictable to me. we have the same personality type. our inclinations and temptations, but the only difference is, i dont act on them. and i wish that he could not, just like half the time. it makes me want to fucking puke. it makes me sick. its negative. its wrong. its always about the quick fix. no. i dont think it is.its about knowing your strengths and weaknesses and protecting yourself not from others huring you, but hurting your own god damn self. that's the thing. yeah, alot of people have hurt me, but i put myself into that position knowingly. if my mom ever pissed me off or someone said something that bothered me i went out and got all blown out as a way of saying, "you cant fucking hurt me. fuck you." where did that get me? nowhere. IT WONT EVER GET YOU ANYWHERE. THAT IS THE MOST IGNORANT, IMMATURE, SELFISH THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO. I FEEL SO FUCKING STUPID.
i suppose if mike comes home and he went out and did all those things i will definitely understand what was going through his mind, but not why he acted on it. it will just rip my heart out because he doesnt see it. no, he sees it but he wont admit it. if he put half the energy he put into making other people respect him into learning to respect himself he would be so happy. others respect you when you respect yourself when you have that self-awareness to admit who you really are. he knows this, he knows what true friends are but he clings to the dumbasses because its easier. i know, i know. i know why.
i wish i could take the easy way out, and im terrified that i might at the same time. more than anything in this world i want to be loved, and if i spent half the energy i spent trying to make others love me on loving myself i would be happier too. i know this. no one is going to love me if i cant love myself. would celebrating wild wednesday, or better yet thirsty thursday going to make me love myself? no. i'd meet more people, but bonds built on drugs and alcohol are not love. drugs and alcohol are not love. they are not respect. they are not happiness. ahhhhh... booo!
these are things that i know and i know i will get sad again later on tonight and i will want to get fucked up, but ya know what. i know i wont. i need to take care of myself. and i am so proud of myself right now. and even if nothing is ever there again, even if mike continues to let me down, i can look at him and thank him for teaching me more about myself than anyone i've ever known. watching him is like watching myself. seeing him fuck up gives me the strength not to. its so hard, but i know its worth it. i'll be fine. i'm just gonna enjoy life and stop worrying about anything. if he can't love me... at least i'll love myself without drugs or other boys to make me feel like i am loveable.
i think that's why mike is soo unbelievably predictable to me. we have the same personality type. our inclinations and temptations, but the only difference is, i dont act on them. and i wish that he could not, just like half the time. it makes me want to fucking puke. it makes me sick. its negative. its wrong. its always about the quick fix. no. i dont think it is.its about knowing your strengths and weaknesses and protecting yourself not from others huring you, but hurting your own god damn self. that's the thing. yeah, alot of people have hurt me, but i put myself into that position knowingly. if my mom ever pissed me off or someone said something that bothered me i went out and got all blown out as a way of saying, "you cant fucking hurt me. fuck you." where did that get me? nowhere. IT WONT EVER GET YOU ANYWHERE. THAT IS THE MOST IGNORANT, IMMATURE, SELFISH THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO. I FEEL SO FUCKING STUPID.
i suppose if mike comes home and he went out and did all those things i will definitely understand what was going through his mind, but not why he acted on it. it will just rip my heart out because he doesnt see it. no, he sees it but he wont admit it. if he put half the energy he put into making other people respect him into learning to respect himself he would be so happy. others respect you when you respect yourself when you have that self-awareness to admit who you really are. he knows this, he knows what true friends are but he clings to the dumbasses because its easier. i know, i know. i know why.
i wish i could take the easy way out, and im terrified that i might at the same time. more than anything in this world i want to be loved, and if i spent half the energy i spent trying to make others love me on loving myself i would be happier too. i know this. no one is going to love me if i cant love myself. would celebrating wild wednesday, or better yet thirsty thursday going to make me love myself? no. i'd meet more people, but bonds built on drugs and alcohol are not love. drugs and alcohol are not love. they are not respect. they are not happiness. ahhhhh... booo!
these are things that i know and i know i will get sad again later on tonight and i will want to get fucked up, but ya know what. i know i wont. i need to take care of myself. and i am so proud of myself right now. and even if nothing is ever there again, even if mike continues to let me down, i can look at him and thank him for teaching me more about myself than anyone i've ever known. watching him is like watching myself. seeing him fuck up gives me the strength not to. its so hard, but i know its worth it. i'll be fine. i'm just gonna enjoy life and stop worrying about anything. if he can't love me... at least i'll love myself without drugs or other boys to make me feel like i am loveable.