Fight Night.
I am a maniac. It turns out that I am a danger to the general public.
Here's why;
At the weekend, I took the boys to see Scooby Doo at the King's Theatre.
The show itself was turgid, the acting the worst I've ever seen and the actors themselves unintelligible throughout. It was dire.
So, instead of a full and very negative review, here is what became the highlight of my evening.
During the break, me, the wee guys and our lovely friend, Yoko, manage to inch our way through the milling throng to the seller's corner, where one can buy as much plastic crap as one could possibly ever want.
So here we are, standing in the queue and there's this big guy behind me who keeps edging his wee boy in front of me, saying to him, 'On you go, squeeze in, get to the front'
It was pissing me off but I had no idea just how bad this was going to get.
Finally, it got to my turn and all of a sudden this man, thrusts his boy right in front of me, barges me to the side and takes my place.
So I says, 'There's a queue here and you're barging me out the way.'
I have a tendency to whisper my complaints generally, to mid-air, never actually to the person who is pissing me off. I am terrified of confrontation and tonight, Matthew, I know why.
It is because I am mad.
So this big fella must have heard me, he spins on his heels, squares right up to me and says/spits, " Haw, my wee boy was in front of you."
I say, "Aye, only because you just threw him there."
He turns his back on me, "Ach, away ye go, ye silly wee...."
Suddenly, there's a huge racket, everyone turns to see what's happening.
Oh Christ, it's me. I've gone mad. I'm bellowing in public. About a fucking queue jumper. "You've got to be the rudest man I have ever met." I bellow.
He turns to me with slitty eyes and says quietly but viciously 'So you're a maddie then?'
All I can hear is the blood surging in my ears. I develop a tic in my right eye, so really, this man could well be right in his assumption.
"You cheeky, big bastard," I shout. Oops.
We're surrounded by other customers who are all open-mouthed and staring. They look like they've all stopped breathing.
"Oh aye, nice language to use in front of your kids" he says, loudly, smirking at the crowd, he's thinking that's it, game's a bogey, she's tipped their loyalty in my favour.
"You think my language is the problem, you manner-less pig? You big, queue-jumping bully." I'm scaring myself now.
He tells me to fuck off.
"Ooooohh" goes the crowd. Balance tips back to me.
"Oh, now you really should watch that language in front of yer wee boy" I say. All snide like, really beginning to embrace my anger, revel in it, even.
I look at Yoko who is frozen with fear. He's gone completely white which is no mean feat given that he's Chinese.
Mannerless Big Pig turns his back on me again, muttering under his breath about what a bitch I am. I think, that's it, I'm going to scratch his eyes out.
"Whhhhaaat did you just ssssay?" I hiss. I sound just like my Nanny.
"I said, 'you've to fuck off'" says he, face right up against mine.
I wave him away with my hand," Aye, away ye go, you fucking diddy, off you pop."
And that's it. He withers and I have no idea why. He just stands there staring.
The crowd is hushed and craning, desperate to see what happens next.
I feel like I've been drained of blood, the anger's rushing out of me and now I feel like laughing. I notice that this man, although being a complete prick, has really nice eyes. I wonder if this is a good moment to give him my number.
The guy at the counter asks us, "So, what are you after?" and the man says, all meek like, "Erm, one flashing light sword, and a Scooby Doo puppet, please".
Aye, yer a polite big twat now, eh? Is what I want to say.
He gets his toys and skulks away.
Yoko comes out of his trance, turns to me and says, "Do you know that when you get angry, your tits get bigger?"
I have to say I'd never noticed this.
Anger-expanding breasts? Now that's cool.
Still wish I'd been served first though.
Here's why;
At the weekend, I took the boys to see Scooby Doo at the King's Theatre.
The show itself was turgid, the acting the worst I've ever seen and the actors themselves unintelligible throughout. It was dire.
So, instead of a full and very negative review, here is what became the highlight of my evening.
During the break, me, the wee guys and our lovely friend, Yoko, manage to inch our way through the milling throng to the seller's corner, where one can buy as much plastic crap as one could possibly ever want.
So here we are, standing in the queue and there's this big guy behind me who keeps edging his wee boy in front of me, saying to him, 'On you go, squeeze in, get to the front'
It was pissing me off but I had no idea just how bad this was going to get.
Finally, it got to my turn and all of a sudden this man, thrusts his boy right in front of me, barges me to the side and takes my place.
So I says, 'There's a queue here and you're barging me out the way.'
I have a tendency to whisper my complaints generally, to mid-air, never actually to the person who is pissing me off. I am terrified of confrontation and tonight, Matthew, I know why.
It is because I am mad.
So this big fella must have heard me, he spins on his heels, squares right up to me and says/spits, " Haw, my wee boy was in front of you."
I say, "Aye, only because you just threw him there."
He turns his back on me, "Ach, away ye go, ye silly wee...."
Suddenly, there's a huge racket, everyone turns to see what's happening.
Oh Christ, it's me. I've gone mad. I'm bellowing in public. About a fucking queue jumper. "You've got to be the rudest man I have ever met." I bellow.
He turns to me with slitty eyes and says quietly but viciously 'So you're a maddie then?'
All I can hear is the blood surging in my ears. I develop a tic in my right eye, so really, this man could well be right in his assumption.
"You cheeky, big bastard," I shout. Oops.
We're surrounded by other customers who are all open-mouthed and staring. They look like they've all stopped breathing.
"Oh aye, nice language to use in front of your kids" he says, loudly, smirking at the crowd, he's thinking that's it, game's a bogey, she's tipped their loyalty in my favour.
"You think my language is the problem, you manner-less pig? You big, queue-jumping bully." I'm scaring myself now.
He tells me to fuck off.
"Ooooohh" goes the crowd. Balance tips back to me.
"Oh, now you really should watch that language in front of yer wee boy" I say. All snide like, really beginning to embrace my anger, revel in it, even.
I look at Yoko who is frozen with fear. He's gone completely white which is no mean feat given that he's Chinese.
Mannerless Big Pig turns his back on me again, muttering under his breath about what a bitch I am. I think, that's it, I'm going to scratch his eyes out.
"Whhhhaaat did you just ssssay?" I hiss. I sound just like my Nanny.
"I said, 'you've to fuck off'" says he, face right up against mine.
I wave him away with my hand," Aye, away ye go, you fucking diddy, off you pop."
And that's it. He withers and I have no idea why. He just stands there staring.
The crowd is hushed and craning, desperate to see what happens next.
I feel like I've been drained of blood, the anger's rushing out of me and now I feel like laughing. I notice that this man, although being a complete prick, has really nice eyes. I wonder if this is a good moment to give him my number.
The guy at the counter asks us, "So, what are you after?" and the man says, all meek like, "Erm, one flashing light sword, and a Scooby Doo puppet, please".
Aye, yer a polite big twat now, eh? Is what I want to say.
He gets his toys and skulks away.
Yoko comes out of his trance, turns to me and says, "Do you know that when you get angry, your tits get bigger?"
I have to say I'd never noticed this.
Anger-expanding breasts? Now that's cool.
Still wish I'd been served first though.