(no subject)
I'm doing ok now...much better than I was yesterday.
I took Jordan all the things I had of his back to him... I guess reality just hit...I'd always thought we'd be together in the end..so I'd never felt the need to return anything...and then he tells me he doesn't want to be with me again... so I returned everything. I have never been so hurt and confused about a guy in my life... I really do love him. I know I was never the best girlfriend...and although he claims to have no regrets, I know he must...I know I do. I would've never taken him for granted... I guess I was ok with our first "break up" because it was my decision and I knew deep down we would be together..I really thought he'd always love me. I thought he loved me so much it would never change... I thought we'd never grow apart... and we'd always have time for a second chance.
And then I wait far too long..and it blows up in my face and crashes down around me. I love him...
I was thinking about our first date tonite...it went horribly... but we made it for 6 months none the less...I remember our last date... I can remember all the things he did in between. When we went into Catos and I saw this really cute leopard I wanted...and he showed up with it on our one month anniversary. One our 6 month he bought me the movie we went to see on our first date...but never actually made it through. Our relationship really was something special...my very own "walk to remember" I guess you could say. When I was tired and would fall asleep in his car...he would shift with the other hand so he wouldn't wake me while I was sleeping on his shoulder. He said he prayed for me every night while we were together...I never felt like I needed to pray for him...but I did thank God the night Brad died on his way back from the trail.. Had Jordan left my house 20 minutes earlier...it could've been him....but it shouldn't have been anyone. Out of all the time we were together..I can only think of one bad memory...the night we went to this place in wise by the lake..and we walked around it in the sun...and layed on the grass and talked... and we got in a fight over something so stupid after he'd come up with the sweetest date I could ever want. It just seems like everywhere I turn...he's there. The stuff he brought me back from Jamaica when he was on his mission trip a few months into our relationship...those treasured phone calls that I looked forward to. He even helped me paint my room...how can I ever escape the memories we have...our handprints are side by side on my closet wall. When my granny died...he walked up my hill in the snow to bring me my Christmas present because he didn't want to bother me or my family....and that was after we'd been apart for quite a while. He was just so thoughtful... When he thought I'd cheated on him..he didn't believe anyone but me... he came to the pool in work clothes to talk it over with me... Every time we had problems..he'd always want to fix them...he trusted me... but not this time.
I guess I brought all that on myself.
I took Jordan all the things I had of his back to him... I guess reality just hit...I'd always thought we'd be together in the end..so I'd never felt the need to return anything...and then he tells me he doesn't want to be with me again... so I returned everything. I have never been so hurt and confused about a guy in my life... I really do love him. I know I was never the best girlfriend...and although he claims to have no regrets, I know he must...I know I do. I would've never taken him for granted... I guess I was ok with our first "break up" because it was my decision and I knew deep down we would be together..I really thought he'd always love me. I thought he loved me so much it would never change... I thought we'd never grow apart... and we'd always have time for a second chance.
And then I wait far too long..and it blows up in my face and crashes down around me. I love him...
I was thinking about our first date tonite...it went horribly... but we made it for 6 months none the less...I remember our last date... I can remember all the things he did in between. When we went into Catos and I saw this really cute leopard I wanted...and he showed up with it on our one month anniversary. One our 6 month he bought me the movie we went to see on our first date...but never actually made it through. Our relationship really was something special...my very own "walk to remember" I guess you could say. When I was tired and would fall asleep in his car...he would shift with the other hand so he wouldn't wake me while I was sleeping on his shoulder. He said he prayed for me every night while we were together...I never felt like I needed to pray for him...but I did thank God the night Brad died on his way back from the trail.. Had Jordan left my house 20 minutes earlier...it could've been him....but it shouldn't have been anyone. Out of all the time we were together..I can only think of one bad memory...the night we went to this place in wise by the lake..and we walked around it in the sun...and layed on the grass and talked... and we got in a fight over something so stupid after he'd come up with the sweetest date I could ever want. It just seems like everywhere I turn...he's there. The stuff he brought me back from Jamaica when he was on his mission trip a few months into our relationship...those treasured phone calls that I looked forward to. He even helped me paint my room...how can I ever escape the memories we have...our handprints are side by side on my closet wall. When my granny died...he walked up my hill in the snow to bring me my Christmas present because he didn't want to bother me or my family....and that was after we'd been apart for quite a while. He was just so thoughtful... When he thought I'd cheated on him..he didn't believe anyone but me... he came to the pool in work clothes to talk it over with me... Every time we had problems..he'd always want to fix them...he trusted me... but not this time.
I guess I brought all that on myself.