working it out....by writing it out
sometimes i have trouble expressing myself. this seems odd to me because if you were to ask liz or jules, they could tell you of the numerous times i talk at them about what i'm feeling. like i'm working through it out loud with them listening for support. but lately, i don't know. i've been feeling off. and i can't communicate it because i don't know what it is.
a rut? is this long winter getting to me? do i feel stuck in my current state in life? true, i'm applying to grad school. but it seems like a long distance in the future before anything comes of that. is it tade? has the shock of him suddenly being gone gotten to me? has it been an early trigger for the those looming april dates?
and how long have i been feeling this way? 20 minutes ago i was on jeff's porch, telling him i've been feeling this for a month. but i'm not even sure if that's right. has it been that long? maybe two weeks. maybe since the fall. that's another thing.....time has been off as well. a week ago feels like a month ago. i can't remember what day it is. again, is it this never-ending winter? are we all going a little crazy.....begging to be let out of our cold cages and enjoy the feel of warm air on our bare skin?
i tried talking this out with jeff. i couldn't. how can i when i don't know what i'm feeling? then i'm afraid i worry people when i can't tell them what i feel. that's the last thing i want to do.
after experiencing the loss of people i love, sometimes i think i should be fearless and not take life for granted. don't sweat the small stuff, and work hard to be happy. but other times i'm just scared of losing more people and things getting worse.
i could wake up in the morning and be completely fine. this could just be loneliness, stress, hormones. i could be worried for nothing. that would certainly not be a first.
a rut? is this long winter getting to me? do i feel stuck in my current state in life? true, i'm applying to grad school. but it seems like a long distance in the future before anything comes of that. is it tade? has the shock of him suddenly being gone gotten to me? has it been an early trigger for the those looming april dates?
and how long have i been feeling this way? 20 minutes ago i was on jeff's porch, telling him i've been feeling this for a month. but i'm not even sure if that's right. has it been that long? maybe two weeks. maybe since the fall. that's another thing.....time has been off as well. a week ago feels like a month ago. i can't remember what day it is. again, is it this never-ending winter? are we all going a little crazy.....begging to be let out of our cold cages and enjoy the feel of warm air on our bare skin?
i tried talking this out with jeff. i couldn't. how can i when i don't know what i'm feeling? then i'm afraid i worry people when i can't tell them what i feel. that's the last thing i want to do.
after experiencing the loss of people i love, sometimes i think i should be fearless and not take life for granted. don't sweat the small stuff, and work hard to be happy. but other times i'm just scared of losing more people and things getting worse.
i could wake up in the morning and be completely fine. this could just be loneliness, stress, hormones. i could be worried for nothing. that would certainly not be a first.