he full on obi wan-ed me!
first of all...supernatural was on tonight wheee! simon said ^-^
second...got to watch hannibal rising....that was fuuuun...so evil..and kinda pretty too ^-^ nice combination right there...
third...shopped a bit for plane fare...and japanese place gave me good price...dude at chain was useless
fourth...its been established, if not here, then on irc, that i am weak..and so i bought renai houteishiki
and finally...mail came today with scholarship information. which you'd think is a good thing right? that i GOT the scholarship? well apparently not. because it means that we have to pay for my fees for that year up front which is maybe AU$2000 which with hecs we dont have to do here and then they reimburse us. all fees normally go into an account in my name where i just owe the government. n dont have to pay anything until i reach an income threshold. which means my parents pay nothing for my school. normally. well when i told my ma about the scholarship there was no 'congrats!' n such. just a look like she doesnt wanna pay. which she'd have to do since i dont work. since ever since high school n before they've told me not to worry about any of that and to concentrate on my studies.
well now i feel like this is like a thing with her. this discouragement. because i swear i dont remember her ever really encouraging me to do anything or be anything or make anything of myself besides something that would attract a husband. and i suppose i'm used to this but the other night i had to sit through her lecturing my brother about how he should put effort into school n such. he should participate n such. is she just trying to correct her mistakes from when i was younger? trying to do better on her second go at raising a child. because seriously? its a pretty half assed job. the only times she notices anything with my brother is when its right in front of her face. literally. the other night she only lectured him because we were out to dinner and he was right in front of her being all quiet. her idea of parenting seems to be making sure we have a place to sleep and something to keep us out of her way until she wants to make us do housework. which i'd understand if it wasnt housework thats created by her own laziness. but anyways. i forget what i was on about.
...right...the scholarship. its a fucking scholarship. they only hand out one or two of these a year. and i got it. and she isnt proud. well. i'm used to not making her proud i suppose. im just a fucking disappointment. a fucking disappointment who's never failed a subject she ever tried at in all her time at school. even doing a half assed job i still did better than a lot of people in my classes. and thats nothing to be proud of. nothing at all. even all through school when i used to bring home award after award it was nothing to her. thanks much. that may be why i gradually stopped trying anymore. and yet i still do well.
i shouldnt compare but its not possible when its shoved in your face like it is here. my brother does something small and theyre all smiles and happy and telling the world. i get a scholarship and she frowns at it. thanks ma. nice to know i'm so worth the money you dont put into my schooling.
really though...if its a money thing...then i'd understand. but its like she doesnt want to talk to me about money. like she doesnt think it concerns me. its all her problem. if we dont have the money for it then wouldnt it be a good idea to just tell me now? instead of trying to guilt me out of doing shit i wanna do?
i really just don't wanna think anymore. everything is such a hassle. just come out and SAY SHIT! stop trying to fucking shield me and then call me ignorant because YOU DIDNT FUCKING TELL ME. gah...i dunno anymore. really i dunno anymore. i just wanna get out. anything. i'll do anything. if i can just get out. this oppressive uber religious 'wait for gods blessing' mentality is just...i dont want it. i cant even think straight right now because theres so much shit going around in my brain. like how the church here has brainwashed my family to think that if they pray hard enough it'll come. nobody wants to put effort into anything because its all up to god's will. and if sommat bad happens its not your fault..its 'the enemy' trying to hurt you. so no its not your own mistake. dont try to fix yourself. gah...its just shifting the blame is what it is.
ive been going to this church for years now. not because i want to or even believe. but because if i dont they'll all gang up on me to try to convert me. they drove my cousin away to germany. until i'm done with school and get a job i dont have that option. so for now i'm going to church every sunday where they tell you that nothing is your fault. its the enemy. nothing is your achievement. its gods will. give the church your money and your money will grow. it might not happen now. but it will eventually. and its not about how much you give. and yet they like to tell the story of the poor woman who gave like 5c which was better than the rich people giving millions because it was all she had. well that sounds to me like its about the amount. to her that was a bloody big amount. its pressuring everyone to give more than they can afford. isnt that smart. gaaaaaaaah!
ENOUGH...no more thinking. time for renai houteishiki.
second...got to watch hannibal rising....that was fuuuun...so evil..and kinda pretty too ^-^ nice combination right there...
third...shopped a bit for plane fare...and japanese place gave me good price...dude at chain was useless
fourth...its been established, if not here, then on irc, that i am weak..and so i bought renai houteishiki
and finally...mail came today with scholarship information. which you'd think is a good thing right? that i GOT the scholarship? well apparently not. because it means that we have to pay for my fees for that year up front which is maybe AU$2000 which with hecs we dont have to do here and then they reimburse us. all fees normally go into an account in my name where i just owe the government. n dont have to pay anything until i reach an income threshold. which means my parents pay nothing for my school. normally. well when i told my ma about the scholarship there was no 'congrats!' n such. just a look like she doesnt wanna pay. which she'd have to do since i dont work. since ever since high school n before they've told me not to worry about any of that and to concentrate on my studies.
well now i feel like this is like a thing with her. this discouragement. because i swear i dont remember her ever really encouraging me to do anything or be anything or make anything of myself besides something that would attract a husband. and i suppose i'm used to this but the other night i had to sit through her lecturing my brother about how he should put effort into school n such. he should participate n such. is she just trying to correct her mistakes from when i was younger? trying to do better on her second go at raising a child. because seriously? its a pretty half assed job. the only times she notices anything with my brother is when its right in front of her face. literally. the other night she only lectured him because we were out to dinner and he was right in front of her being all quiet. her idea of parenting seems to be making sure we have a place to sleep and something to keep us out of her way until she wants to make us do housework. which i'd understand if it wasnt housework thats created by her own laziness. but anyways. i forget what i was on about.
...right...the scholarship. its a fucking scholarship. they only hand out one or two of these a year. and i got it. and she isnt proud. well. i'm used to not making her proud i suppose. im just a fucking disappointment. a fucking disappointment who's never failed a subject she ever tried at in all her time at school. even doing a half assed job i still did better than a lot of people in my classes. and thats nothing to be proud of. nothing at all. even all through school when i used to bring home award after award it was nothing to her. thanks much. that may be why i gradually stopped trying anymore. and yet i still do well.
i shouldnt compare but its not possible when its shoved in your face like it is here. my brother does something small and theyre all smiles and happy and telling the world. i get a scholarship and she frowns at it. thanks ma. nice to know i'm so worth the money you dont put into my schooling.
really though...if its a money thing...then i'd understand. but its like she doesnt want to talk to me about money. like she doesnt think it concerns me. its all her problem. if we dont have the money for it then wouldnt it be a good idea to just tell me now? instead of trying to guilt me out of doing shit i wanna do?
i really just don't wanna think anymore. everything is such a hassle. just come out and SAY SHIT! stop trying to fucking shield me and then call me ignorant because YOU DIDNT FUCKING TELL ME. gah...i dunno anymore. really i dunno anymore. i just wanna get out. anything. i'll do anything. if i can just get out. this oppressive uber religious 'wait for gods blessing' mentality is just...i dont want it. i cant even think straight right now because theres so much shit going around in my brain. like how the church here has brainwashed my family to think that if they pray hard enough it'll come. nobody wants to put effort into anything because its all up to god's will. and if sommat bad happens its not your fault..its 'the enemy' trying to hurt you. so no its not your own mistake. dont try to fix yourself. gah...its just shifting the blame is what it is.
ive been going to this church for years now. not because i want to or even believe. but because if i dont they'll all gang up on me to try to convert me. they drove my cousin away to germany. until i'm done with school and get a job i dont have that option. so for now i'm going to church every sunday where they tell you that nothing is your fault. its the enemy. nothing is your achievement. its gods will. give the church your money and your money will grow. it might not happen now. but it will eventually. and its not about how much you give. and yet they like to tell the story of the poor woman who gave like 5c which was better than the rich people giving millions because it was all she had. well that sounds to me like its about the amount. to her that was a bloody big amount. its pressuring everyone to give more than they can afford. isnt that smart. gaaaaaaaah!
ENOUGH...no more thinking. time for renai houteishiki.