(no subject)
so i read holly's last entry, and realized that part of the reason i never write anymore is because nobody even reads my shit anymore, which renders it rather pointless to reach out to nothing.
so then a pointless update...
i've been miserable... my husband is in korea and i won't see him for 4 more months, or more... but if it ends up being more then i will say fuck it and buy a plane ticket to korea in november... i need to see him, i hate this shit.. i miss my sean.. and he's about as miserable over there between being away from me and all of his friends leaving...
fuck it. no one will understand anyway, assuming i'm some arrogant useless grunt that has forgotten who i was before all of this camoflaged bullshit... i haven't, but there are pieces of me that broke off when everything left me.. cuz i was chosen to take the fall. apparently physical proximity means alot more to people than a sincere friendship. i guess i have to make do with temporary friendships like that too, just to get by. i move too much to care, and soon enough i'll probably have to lose some of those friends anyway... i don't want to think about that.
so i sold out for college money. at least i only had to do that once rather than repeatedly selling out for temporary satisfaction. thats what life would have been like if i hadn't joined, although i know for damn sure i will be much more content with myself once i get out of this bullshit.
woop dee doo. i made a LONG TERM SACRIFICE for a LONG TERM GOAL, and had to be miserable until i achieve that goal... and now i'm more miserable because along with missing the people that up and left me to dry in the sun on my own now i know the only person left that possibly even remotely understands me is halfway across the world missing me just as much.. wow.. if only i had another friend like that.
i don't know... i just wish i had someone i could trust that i could talk to.. cuz this shit bugs me and i hate those nights when i'm just waiting for the day to end and the only thing i have to do is have time to think and i just cry...
for the broken pieces, for the missing links, for the lost friends... either by death or desertion...
and the kind of lonliness i felt before i joined the army is stronger because i'm surrounded by thousands more people that i can't trust and that wouldn't understand because they're too absorbed in feeding upon filth and moral decay...
i fucking hate this place... i fucking hate being lonely... the only thing to do is sleep, and yet even when i do that i'm just temporarily comforted, waking up again with nothing but a picture and another scar...
just breathe....
so then a pointless update...
i've been miserable... my husband is in korea and i won't see him for 4 more months, or more... but if it ends up being more then i will say fuck it and buy a plane ticket to korea in november... i need to see him, i hate this shit.. i miss my sean.. and he's about as miserable over there between being away from me and all of his friends leaving...
fuck it. no one will understand anyway, assuming i'm some arrogant useless grunt that has forgotten who i was before all of this camoflaged bullshit... i haven't, but there are pieces of me that broke off when everything left me.. cuz i was chosen to take the fall. apparently physical proximity means alot more to people than a sincere friendship. i guess i have to make do with temporary friendships like that too, just to get by. i move too much to care, and soon enough i'll probably have to lose some of those friends anyway... i don't want to think about that.
so i sold out for college money. at least i only had to do that once rather than repeatedly selling out for temporary satisfaction. thats what life would have been like if i hadn't joined, although i know for damn sure i will be much more content with myself once i get out of this bullshit.
woop dee doo. i made a LONG TERM SACRIFICE for a LONG TERM GOAL, and had to be miserable until i achieve that goal... and now i'm more miserable because along with missing the people that up and left me to dry in the sun on my own now i know the only person left that possibly even remotely understands me is halfway across the world missing me just as much.. wow.. if only i had another friend like that.
i don't know... i just wish i had someone i could trust that i could talk to.. cuz this shit bugs me and i hate those nights when i'm just waiting for the day to end and the only thing i have to do is have time to think and i just cry...
for the broken pieces, for the missing links, for the lost friends... either by death or desertion...
and the kind of lonliness i felt before i joined the army is stronger because i'm surrounded by thousands more people that i can't trust and that wouldn't understand because they're too absorbed in feeding upon filth and moral decay...
i fucking hate this place... i fucking hate being lonely... the only thing to do is sleep, and yet even when i do that i'm just temporarily comforted, waking up again with nothing but a picture and another scar...
just breathe....