:o) Field Guide to Moscow
Dolor Recto
Babushka Dezhurnaya
Distinguishing Features: Permanent scowl; reading glasses; floral-print skirt and headscarf; vehement distrust of any and all persons who enter her building; odor of old kefir.
Habitat: The podyezdy of most upscale Moscow apartment buildings.
Danger if Provoked: Deceptively High. This species of babushka has an uncanny ability to make the lives of those who anger her a living hell. Since it is impossible to tell who or what angers her, all residents and their guests are subject to her rage.
Mortal Weaknesses: Embarrassment when you bring her granddaughter home from Night Flight; paranoia that the building is being taken over by Jews and foreigners.
Comments: Dolor Recto evolved into its own species shortly after the collapse of the Soviet Union, when Moscow residents began to demand stricter feis kontrol for their own apartment buildings. The babushka dezhurnaya spends most of her time watching Latin American soap operas while reading anti-Semitic pamphlets, and the visitor who enters her domain during an important plot development will witness the full wrath of this vicious species. Among the weapons at her disposal are devastating gossip, drafting letters of petty complaint written in Soviet-ese which begin "Respected Residents!" and placing said letters in everyone's mailboxes, and allowing your girlfriend to visit unannounced while you're having an affair with another woman in your apartment.
Churkius Indenturedservitudius
Uzbek Gasterbeiter
Distinguishing Features: Dirty workman uniform, weary eyes, papirosy, sandals. Emaciated. Squats to conserve energy.
Habitat: Construction sites. Above ground during the day, sleeping in crammed basement at night.
Danger if Provoked: Low. Churkius Indenturedservitudius is extremely meek due to his lack of legal status, overwork for low pay, and fear of going back to an even worse situation in Uzbekistan. If given cheap vodka, however, danger increases.
Mortal Weaknesses: Vulnerable to militia sweeps when local precinct chief needs to buy his lyubovnitsa a new Ford Focus; not getting paid by his boss; hunger pangs; exhaustion.
Comments: Churkius Indenturedservitudius has been losing territory to rival species from Tadjikistan, Churkius Muleius, thanks in part to Uzbek leader Karimov's anti-Russian policies and Tadjikistan's pro-Russia colony status.
Prodavschitsia Climacteria
Produkty Store Clerk
Distinguishing features: 30 year old woman who looks 60; fat, angry face, gingivitis; heavy makeup; ugly mole; hair bleached three months ago; frilly apron; permanent scowl.
Habitat: Behind counters and cashier windows of any establishment where cash changes hands; prevalent where food, vodka, Chinese electronics, and other necessities are available.
Danger if Provoked: Medium. If you do not have exact change, Prodavschitsia Climacteria will often refuse to accept your money or force you to buy cheap candy to cover the difference.
Mortal Weaknesses: Still dreaming of a prince on a white horse who will carry her away from the produkty.
Comments: Like crows and pigeons, Prodavschitsia Climacteria is a highly adaptable, essential part of the harsh Moscow ecosystem. Thanks to conservation efforts, she will continue to thrive.
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