last entry.... ever.
This will be the last entry I ever write, and the one I put the most emotion into. I'm getting sick of this online gossip this has gotten me into, and how I get these persepectives of people from what I read, when I don't know the whole thing... so, this shall be the end.
dedicated to Jonathan....
What do I do now? I've hurt one of the only people who has ever taken the time to care about me... He's always done everything he can to make me happy, and I always took advantage of the happiness he truly gave me, and just constantly wanted more. When's the last time I've sat down and just thought about him? Not us... just him? I'm guilty of pure selfishness, and in the process I mis-used my best friend in the world. I'm glad you finally came out and told me how you feel, no matter how much it's hurting me, I probably needed it. I'm tempted to say I want to start over, a new, clean template... but, I really don't want that. All these somewhat stupid struggles have made this relationship all the more meaningful to me. And all the irreplaceable times we've shared are just that... irreplaceable. I'll never forget the John Mayer concert, all the soccer and basketball games, music making, all night karaoke fests, constant laughter, nights of tears, and all of our relationship talks. You're one of the only people who have truly listened and tried to understand everything I say. I am truly greatful of your friendship, your willingness to help me, and... your love. I'm sorry for waiting so long to appreciate what you've given me: a true understanding of myself, relationships, life, and love. Please accept my apology, and my plea for a friendship that will have altercations to teh relationship we have now, but supported by the same backbone we have.... understanding, honesty, and trust. I hope we can "continue to make amazing moments together." (as a great friend of mine once said... wink wink) Because, those amazing moments are what make up a relationship. I want that. I was jus tbabysitting tonight, and all theses thoughts of friendship and happiness were racing through my head, and I was feeling completely overwhelmed adn horrible.... And when I was putting hte girl to sleep, she randomly picked up this book, and she said, "Can I read you this book? It's my faovirte one in the whole world." So- of course she read it to me, and the meaning (As corny as it may sound) was quite impacting on me.. here it is...
"A good friend is always ready to lend a hand... or an ear... or whatever.
Good friends help you reach your goals.
A good friend is someone you can trust with your deepest, and best stuff.
A good friend goes perfectly w/pizza.
Good friends try to pick you up when you're down.
Even good friends have thier bad moments.
Life is a hot fudge sundae, and good friends are the nuts.
Good friends are like umbrellas on rainy days."
And than she looked at me and said, "I wish I had a good friend like that. Do you have one?" A single tear ran down my cheak, and I nodded my head. I have a good friend, but I haven't necessarily been a good friend. I don't care if you think that's stupid, or corny.. but, sometimes the impact of a simplistic children's book can piece everything together. I love you Jonathan Thomas. Thank you for loving me, and not giving up on me.... I'm determined....
*good bye. I will still be reading my comments, if anyone has anything they need to tell me....
dedicated to Jonathan....
What do I do now? I've hurt one of the only people who has ever taken the time to care about me... He's always done everything he can to make me happy, and I always took advantage of the happiness he truly gave me, and just constantly wanted more. When's the last time I've sat down and just thought about him? Not us... just him? I'm guilty of pure selfishness, and in the process I mis-used my best friend in the world. I'm glad you finally came out and told me how you feel, no matter how much it's hurting me, I probably needed it. I'm tempted to say I want to start over, a new, clean template... but, I really don't want that. All these somewhat stupid struggles have made this relationship all the more meaningful to me. And all the irreplaceable times we've shared are just that... irreplaceable. I'll never forget the John Mayer concert, all the soccer and basketball games, music making, all night karaoke fests, constant laughter, nights of tears, and all of our relationship talks. You're one of the only people who have truly listened and tried to understand everything I say. I am truly greatful of your friendship, your willingness to help me, and... your love. I'm sorry for waiting so long to appreciate what you've given me: a true understanding of myself, relationships, life, and love. Please accept my apology, and my plea for a friendship that will have altercations to teh relationship we have now, but supported by the same backbone we have.... understanding, honesty, and trust. I hope we can "continue to make amazing moments together." (as a great friend of mine once said... wink wink) Because, those amazing moments are what make up a relationship. I want that. I was jus tbabysitting tonight, and all theses thoughts of friendship and happiness were racing through my head, and I was feeling completely overwhelmed adn horrible.... And when I was putting hte girl to sleep, she randomly picked up this book, and she said, "Can I read you this book? It's my faovirte one in the whole world." So- of course she read it to me, and the meaning (As corny as it may sound) was quite impacting on me.. here it is...
"A good friend is always ready to lend a hand... or an ear... or whatever.
Good friends help you reach your goals.
A good friend is someone you can trust with your deepest, and best stuff.
A good friend goes perfectly w/pizza.
Good friends try to pick you up when you're down.
Even good friends have thier bad moments.
Life is a hot fudge sundae, and good friends are the nuts.
Good friends are like umbrellas on rainy days."
And than she looked at me and said, "I wish I had a good friend like that. Do you have one?" A single tear ran down my cheak, and I nodded my head. I have a good friend, but I haven't necessarily been a good friend. I don't care if you think that's stupid, or corny.. but, sometimes the impact of a simplistic children's book can piece everything together. I love you Jonathan Thomas. Thank you for loving me, and not giving up on me.... I'm determined....
*good bye. I will still be reading my comments, if anyone has anything they need to tell me....