Has I a taste?
I think that I might be losing my mind. I really dont know myself anymore, and Im not sure if that comes from College or not but somtimes I think the changes in me are not good ones. I am growing up, not that I was very immature in the first place, but yes there were alot of areas that I was and still are, but I am only 19. I cant be totally grown up yet. I am lost, I dont really know what I am doing with my life, and of course, all the pressure to know what you are doing and what not is common, somehow I dont think that is just it. On the flip side I am becoming more responcable, and tidy. lol
REALLY! I am finding this very hard to express... my thoughts are really very scattered and unfocused. I know that I should be expressing myself creatively more, I have been stifinling myself in that aspect for awhile now, only very few times have I actually allowed a propper outlet for that side of my emotion in the past 2 and half years. I fear that in my sudden loss of interest in all of my favorite things that I am only snowballing further into the retched deepths of depression. Could my lack of creativity be the start? It could be so many things that are going on with me, and I am worried that they are all related. Infact I know they are. Alas tho, Im sure that it is most likely just a side effect of stoping my Ritalin cold turkey, which I have been doing since the beginning of my 12 long years of taking it, so why does that still effect me? Maybe its something I can never escape, or maybe its not that at all, just maybe its me this time.
I cant say that I was not effected by the peacock thing, I was very deeply affected. It was almost a tramatic ordeal, I know it has caused some serious issues to manifest themselves. I dont think I am handling it well at all. But how do you handle trecherey and betrayal well? Its not something you can shrugg off, and the aftermath of it all. The gassip and accusations from all the people who just wanted to put their two cents in. Normally I am very resillient when it comes to things like that, but this time I am not recovering. I know I should forget about the things they said, and on the surface I know that it didnt matter, but its that voice deep down that keeps naggin me that worries me.
I have noticed that I have almost completely withdrawn myself from social contact, I still go out and do my social thing that I am very dependant on but I have noticed that I have gone without for longer periods of time that is normal for myself.
To clearify the gravity of this discovery, I am a social butterfly, love people, partys, going out and having fun, I get very depressed if I dont go out and do fun things with people, its a fact that I go from a shitty I hate everything mood to having a blast just by having a bunch of people around me.
Lately, I find that I have nothing to say to anyone, I dont talk to my boss, whom I have a very healthy talkative relationship with and my coworkers and even now the majority of my friends. This does however exclude my close friends and boyfriend, but even now I notice that I have nothing to say to them. It is not a lack of wating to, I just find myself shying away and only listening, not joining in. I ofton catch myself doing it and it only increases my self awareness of these things. ITs not normal for me.
I am seriously wondereing if I am losing my mind. I really wonder if this time, I am going to lose the battle and if I do what steps do I take to fix it once it has happend. Do I ask help of my friends, or do I leave them out of it and only inform them that I am not going to be myself for awhile and not to worry too much, and seek professional help. If I do that what do I tell my parents because I dont want them to know that I have reached such a low. I am going to have to tell them something, but I dont know if I am ready to come completly clean about it.
The conflicting side to this all is that as I think about it, I feel like if I do get help professionally, that I am admitting to myself that I am weak and cant fix my own insignifiacnt problems. I know that it is effecting my life in such away that something has to be done but is it really that important a cause? Or am I being a child about it, that is the struggle within myself about it. Do I get help or am I being a baby? I wish someone would snap me out of it and I can return to normal, well normal for me anyway. But I know that somewhere deep down I need to work on something that is blocking everything from being good again. Only recently have I ever contemplated wanted to go back and do things over, because I have always looked back on everything and said "Hey I really learned from that" but now I just think, this is all just to stupid for me to learn anything and it only makes me feel more crappy about the whole thing.
It helps to finally write about it but its not totally going to fix anything at all. Maybe I can get some real sleep for a change, hopefully I will regain some of my old confidence in myself, If maybe I just had a little booster I could have just enough to pull things together for myself. Afton I think that it would be nothing short of a mirical for that to happen. But alteast I still have a few dreams. And that in and of itself gives me just a tiny bit of hope.