Heart Sick
Where do I begin, there has been alot of shit go down in the last three months. Lets go back to before christmas eve. I broke up with Pony three months ago. I dont know if it was a good idea or not. I mean, I love the kid but I really needed some space. My friends agreed it was the best plan of action, but sometimes when I am all alone, I miss him so much I cant breath. Well for a while it was fine, becuase I needed that space and I felt good. Then I got mixed up with Ben, please dont get me wrong, I really like Ben but I still love Pony. When I am with Ben I am a different person. I know that I dont love Ben, thats the deal with us, we dont want to love each other. The thing is about Ben, is that I am starting to care, I like him. I cant help it.
Now when I actually allowed myself to love someone, they turn around and backstab me. I have been cheated on, lied to, backstabed by my bestfriends my whole life. And now for the first time I have had my heart broken, I dont know what to do. I will supress it and ignored it, and thats what I do for everthing horrible in my life. Its got to the point where I want to go to a fucking shrink! I know that most of you who read this will understand but I dont know what to think or do with myself. My situation is so complicated that I cant talk to Amanda becuase I know she will tell me to stay with Ben and forget about Pony.
Its alot different now that I know this. Its different when I am getting over someone who I know didnt cheat on me, but it hurts really bad knowing all that shit. I really just wanted to talk to my sister but right now I cant call her she is probably baked and I dont want to ruin that.
----I am going to go to bed just to find some solace, it will not be alright in the morning.