(no subject)
There have been somethings in my life that arent really happy. SO! Who's life doesnt have things that arent really happy either right. Well, I just cant seem to get past one of mine.
Recently I turn 17, wooohoo right, right, well all at the same time I met my 19 year old sister who lives in Tenn with her totally awesome boyfriend Derek. It was great, wonderful and I had a good time. I recall myself sitting and looking at her when I thought she wasnt paying attention to me, it was like I was sitting back and watching myself and my sister. It was really weird to see this girl I had only seen in pictures sitting across from me having various conversations with myself and the few people around us. At first I thought, ok this is some crazy dream, then I corrected myself, I dont have dreams like this, and if I did why would I be having one of those right now? So I put it behide me, at least I thought I did.
When it came time to take her home we ventured forth to where she was staying. We sat around in their room at the motel, they gave me my birthday present since technically it was my birthday, it was 3:30 a.m. I loved my presents they were awesome, so well picked out that it was slightly scary. Then I desided that it was my 17th birthday and I wanted to go to the Wafful House. While we were there it was crazy and I was again sitting there watching myself and my sister. It was like I was high, I was lost in this place in my mind and I couldnt find a way to justify why my sister was sitting in front of me, apart from the reason she was there.
I cant really tell you that I made but head way with my sister. To me it felt like I didnt have any time to be myself around her. It was so weird seeing her that way and I know it was the same for her because she told me. Most of the time I spent with Shelley was spent with my mother in toe. I love my mother but she can take the spotlight from me when it counts, and this was on of those times that it really did count that I be the one to do the talking. I know she wasnt doing this on purpose but it was something that happened.
I can tell you that when I did have slighty alone time with my sister that it was great. We had alot in common like the way we said good morning. That may not seem like much to some people but when I heard her say it, it was like I was saying good morning. I dont really think that I look much like her, there are similarties that come with being related to someone but I guess I could look like her to someone on the outside.
The last time I felt like I was watching myself with my sister was at my party, she was shy around all the people she didnt know. As I sat and watched people and myself I notice that I didnt want to be in control of this anymore I wanted her to take controle and talk to me some and tell me about herself. Needless to say, I said something to Derek, and weather or not he said anything, I notice that the shyness toward me slowly left. Maybe it was the 8 white Russians that did the trick but soon the night got better and we started having conversations. It was the first time that I felt like my sister and I connected in anyway.
I cant really relate to her shyness because I am pretty out going. I can tell you that I do remember a time when I would hardly talk to anyone. Something in side me changed the day I met Thomas smith, it felt like I really did matter. He showed me that I could have self confidence. As a result of this, I started out my Junior year in High School with this on top of the world feeling like I had everything I wanted, nothing left out. Then Herb left, slowing that feeling ebed away a little. It wasnt very significant amount but enough to notice. So I filled more of my time with Thomas. He and Trey somehow knew how to make my day so much better just by saying "BROKIE!!" and giving me a big hug. I cant tell you why or how they have that effect on me, but I cant seem to live with out it.
This is the first time I have said any of this out loud, I havent told a soul other than Thomas. The only person I would want to know this at all isThomas Smith. He is so wonderful, I really do hate that all of my friends cant know him the way I know him. I do realize that I dont know everything about Thomas but what I do know, I love. There really couldnt be anything you could tell me about Thomast that would make me hate him.
I have still had a hard time after I talk to Thomas but I know that slowly I will move past this. I dont think anyone can really help me, it something I have to deal with by myself. I mean there arent any of my friends that can relate to being adopted and meeting your sister for the first time. They just cant and I am glad they cant I wouldnt wish any of this on them not on anyone. I know it was for the better but it is still really hard.
good night... this is something I needed to get out tonight...