A New Theory of Quantum Mechanics
"A New Theory of Quantum Mechanics", or "Dark Sucks" by Kent Seitzinger
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information has proven otherwise. Electric light
bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark. Thus, more properly,
electric light bulbs should be referred to as dark suckers. The
dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has
mass heavier than that of light and that dark is faster than
light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric light bulbs
suck dark. Take, for example, the dark suckers in the room where
you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the
bulb than any place else in the room. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. For instance,
those huge dark suckers in a parking lot have a much larger
capacity than the ones in your room.
As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they
are full of dark, they can no longer suck additional dark. This
is evidenced by the blackened spot on a full dark sucker.
A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You will notice however that even after one brief use, the
wick turns black representing the amount of dark which was sucked
in during its operation. If you hold a pencil next to the wick
of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in
the way of the dark moving into the candle flame. Unfortunately,
these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't
handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided in their
operation by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is
full, the dark sucker ceases working, and the storage unit must
either be emptied or replaced so that the portable dark sucker is
once again operable.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an
operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem as the
mass of dark must travel into a solid wick instead of through
clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and it
therefore is very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the
surface of a lake, you see a lot of light. If you slowly swim
deeper and deeper, you will notice it slowly getting darker.
When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you will be
in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the
bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be used to mankind's advantage. We
can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of these
bodies of water and force it through turbines, which will
generate electricity and forces the dark to the oceans, where it
can safely be stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more
difficult to get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.
The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When
on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the
flow of dark, they paddled slowly so as not to stop the flow of
dark. When, however, they travelled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we shall demonstrate that dark is faster than light. If
you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed
dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the
light slowly enter the closet; but since the dark is so fast, you
would not see it leave the closet.
In conclusion:
We have been able to show through this paper, that dark suckers
make all of our lives much easier. So, the next time you look at
an electric light bulb, remember that it does not emit light but
rather sucks dark.