It's Harder Than I Thought
It's been harder than I thought it would be to be apart from BJ. I thought I could deal with it, at least until I went into labor and my hormones and pain took control of my body. But that doesn't seem to be happening. I think I've cried every day since he left, I don't do it continuously or for hours on end or anything, but still. I just miss him so much, and I wish he was here to put his arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be ok, and that nothing was going to go wrong with the delivery, and that we are going to be great parents. Lately I've been so crazy and he's been the only thing keeping my relatively sane, but now that he's gone I don't have anyone. Everything I do is so difficult, I'm so big and uncomfortable and in pain all the time. I hate having to do everything myself. It always seems that everything happens while he is gone and I don't have him to help take care of it. Our comp is messed up. It won't let me connect to the Internet, it's saying there is limited or no connectability and there is some kind of problem with the IP address. I called Cox and Dell like 7 or 8 times each and they each kept telling me that they did all they could on their end and it was a problem with the other. A guy from Cox came out and did a bunch of stuff and said that I needed someone from Dell to come out. He thought it might be a problem with the network card, but when I called Dell they had me do a bunch of stuff and said that the card was fine. Then he said that it could be a software problem. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's a good thing that I didn't get rid of AOL yet, or I wouldn't be able to be online right now or hear from BJ. There was a spider in the apt the other day, plus this black bug that was jumping around like a cricket. I hate bugs and I don't like being near them and I had to kill them by myself. Plus we have some friends that live in the same apt complex and already I've had to take them 3 places and one of them was completely pointless. And driving is becoming difficult for me, I have a hard time turning to see in my blind spot and it's hard getting in and out of the car. BJ has only been gone for 10 days and he'll be gone for about 4 more weeks and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. One thing that seems to be good is that Dominic doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. We're really hoping that he comes late and right now it's beginning to look like there's a good chance of that. I really hope that if BJ isn't there when I deliver that he's able to come home while we're still in the hospital. I hope that the next few weeks go by quickly, that way I won't have to think so much about things. I'm worried and scared about what's going to happen and what could happen, I'm scared about being by myself with the baby, I'm worried that I won't know what to do, or that I'll do something wrong, or I'll hurt the baby, and I'm worried that I'll be a bad mom. Right now I have all these thoughts and concerns going through my mind, plus I still have a lot to get done before the baby comes, I have to make sure that I have food and all here for when our families come down, I have to deal with my last weeks of being pregnant and all the pain and problems that comes with, and lately I've been feeling all alone and miserable. Ok well I think I went on long enough and if anyone actually takes the time to read this, I'm sure you're tired of listening to me bitch by now.