Fic: The Thirteen Pranks Of Halloween, DCU, Crack, PG, 1/1
Take the thirteen days of Halloween, patterned after the twelve days of Christmas. Add cracky pranks. Blend with DC Comics. Add more crack. Shake and stir. Sprinkle liberally with yet more crack, and pranks. Read, boggle, and…enjoy.
Sequel to The Twelve Crazy Days Of Christmas
The DC Comics Players proudly present:
The Thirteen Pranks Of Halloween
A Crack-Fic Production
***
With a cast featuring:
The Birds of Prey
The JLI/Super-Buddies
Marvel Comics
The Titans
Young Justice
And numerous dead characters from various continuities.
With cameos by characters from:
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
Gargoyles
The Legion of Super-Heroes
Naruto
The Toon Titans
Various fics by doctorv
And intrusions contributions from the TV show Farscape.
Fics referenced include:
All The Things Of The World (Tim/Jason Gender-Bender AU) by thete1
The Fools Who Do series (Bruce/Tim Gender-Switch) by thete1
Irresistible (Booster/Beetle) by silver_apples
The Mulletverse (Booster/Beetle) by doctorv
When Water Had Its Way (Bruce/Jason Gender-Switch) by thete1
Fics also mentioned briefly:
Cat Tales (A Batman/Catwoman series) by Chris Dee
I Am Created Shiva (Timfinity AU) by scriviner
Tactical Advantages (Tim/Kon Gender-Switch) by thete1
***
PROLOGUE: Here We Go Again…
***
Backstage
Director: *sighs tiredly* How did we get roped into doing this again?
Narrator: *shrugs* I don’t know about you, but I got promised perks by the Writer.
Director: Perks?
Narrator: *grins like the Cheshire Cat* I get to beta read all of her porn.
Director: *nosebleeds and facefaults*
On Stage
Nightwing: I thought this whole thing involved the JLI, not the JLA?
Superman: *carefully X-Raying entire building* What with all these pranks going on, I’m not taking chances that Mxyzptlk won’t show up.
Nightwing: *nods sagely and reminds himself to keep a close watch on the Joker and Harley Quinn, the Mad Hatter, and possibly also Scarecrow, as Halloween is his holiday*
Superman: *blanches as he encounters the party - orgy, rather - being held in the basement by the Outsiders* *decides to head elsewhere* I’ll…see you later, Dick.
Nightwing: Okay. *cheerfully oblivious*
Backstage
Director: *mopping up nose* The scent of déjà vu is heavy in the air.
Narrator: *smirks* Actually, I think that’s the scent of apple cider.
Director: *blinks* There’s apple cider?
Narrator: Uh-huh. *slurps down apple spiced goodness* It’s really tasty, too.
Director: Where did you get that?
Narrator: From the cast.
Director: Who made it?
Narrator: *shrugs* All I know is it wasn’t Stephanie Brown, and it wasn’t Rogue. Which means it’s edible; drinkable, rather. *takes another big gulp*
Director: *scratches head* How did they make it? There isn’t a kitchen around here. Hell, I’m not sure if there’s more than one bathroom… *suddenly looks rather anxious*
Narrator: I think they improvised with people’s powers.
Director: *feels dawning sense of dread* Who?
Narrator: Well, Superman used his laser vision to heat the ‘kettle’…
Director: *dread increases* What did they use for the kettle?
Narrator: Thor’s helmet. *grins* I hear he wasn’t too happy about that.
Director: *dread dies, replaced by confusion* Isn’t Thor a member of the Avengers?
Narrator: Uh-huh.
Director: But they’re not from DC Comics!
Narrator: *shrugs* We had a few Marvel interlopers last year, remember? This year, I decided to just invite them to the production and have done with it.
Director: *whimpers*
***
ACT II, SCENE I: There’s No Business Like Other People’s Business…
***
On Stage
On the first day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Booster Gold: *smiles widely, showing off future-genes-enhanced teeth* We did? Cool!
Blue Beetle: *suspiciously* What kind of prank?
Narrator: …on Batman and Robin.
Booster Gold: *eyes widen to apocalyptic proportions* Dude!
Blue Beetle: *ditto* Dude…
Batman: *dressed in a copy of the first Robin’s costume, complete with elf boots and a Santa hat in matching red and green* *hisses* You. Two. Are. Dead…
Booster Gold & Blue Beetle: @.@ Run away! Run away! Run away! *follow their own advice*
Backstage
Wolverine: Little early for Christmas decorations, ain’t it? *puffs cigar*
Mary Marvel: It’s never too early for the Spanish Inquisition! *extremely pleased she had a chance to quote one of Blue and Gold’s favorite (and most watched) movies*
Beatriz DeCosta: *smirks* I think you have your movie quotes mixed up, Mary.
Mary Marvel: *pouts* Aww, fudge! *stamps foot*
Sue Dibny: *notices that Ralph has become a tent* *Ralph isn’t the only detective in the family - he must be hiding Booster and Ted* *sighs* Ralph, dear, you’re not exactly invisible…
Ralph Dibny: *frowns* I know. But Tora said please, and she gave me the eyes…
Director: *hisses* Quiet on the set!
Wolverine: *glowers* Wanna make me, bub?
Director: *sweatdrops* If you don’t let her finish, we’ll have to start over!
Wolverine: *thinks* *grumbles* *acquiesces* Okay.
Director: *wipes brow* *mumbles under breath* Jeeze, who pissed in his cornflakes?
On Stage
On the second day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Booster Gold: *fearfully* On who? *peeks out of a fold of Ralph’s…substance*
Blue Beetle: *sighs* If you’d let the nice Narrator finish, we could find out!
Narrator: On the Wonder Twins…
Blue Beetle: *scratches head* Does she mean Jan and Zayna?
Booster Gold: *also confused* Maybe she means Martin and Wendy?
Wonder Woman: *eyes the Theban Band logo painted meticulously across her…eagle* This isn’t what I meant when I said that I wanted to improve relations between Themyscira and Man’s World. *cracks lasso like whip* Oh, Booo-ster, Beee-tle…
Booster Gold & Blue Beetle: *cringe and burrow further inside Ralph*
Ralph Dibny: *frowns* Man, playing bomb shelter for these guys really can make a guy regret his powers.
Sue Dibny: Why? They tickling you?
Ralph Dibny: No, but I don’t really like being this close to anyone except you.
Sue Dibny: *snorfles* Ah…that’s…so sweet, honey.
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Backstage
Batman: *still hunting for the elusive team of Blue and Gold to put the hurt on them*
Booster Gold & Blue Beetle: *still hiding from their certain doom*
Tim Drake: *has decided that the elf suit he’s currently stuck in - and can’t remove - negates his fanboying tendencies towards Blue Beetle and is plotting their certain doom*
On Stage
On the third day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: Scared? Moi?
Catman: *snorts* Yeah, right.
Catgirl: Um… *eyes extremely large spider-looking robot that Beetle cooked up* EEEEEEEEEEKKKK! *roller-skates away*
Catwoman & Catman: Bwuh-huh?
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *has managed to change into a toga* *still wants to maul Booster and Beetle, however* Oh, boys… *grabs sword off wall and heads off to hunt them down*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman: *finally having realized that the team of Blue and Gold are masters at hiding, has gone to look for new clothes* Rassle-frassen-rassa…
Tim Drake: *looked for new clothes first thing, and is now garbed in his Robin suit, working in the Batcave lab* They will rue the day they crossed me, rue, I say! *rubs hands together mad-scientist like* *lightning crashes outside the Batcave* Ahh-ha-ha-ha!
On the fourth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Clocktower
Stephanie Brown: Why are we mad?
Cassandra Cain: *glowers* Got pranked. Duh.
Stephanie Brown: How? *looks around clean and seemingly prank-free Clocktower*
Barbara Gordon: Aside from the usual juvenile tricks of plastic wrap over the toilet bowl and shaving cream in the toothpaste tube…we can’t get out.
Helena Bertinelli: What?
Barbara Gordon: The Clocktower is sealed up tighter than Batman’s emotions. Ted retro-engineered something of Poison Ivy’s and now we’re living out Sleeping Beauty.
Cassandra Cain: *thinks back on fairy tales she has on audio tapes* Briar…roses?
Barbara Gordon: *points to the window - not out, as nothing can be seen* Briars, at least; there might be roses…somewhere…out there.
Helena Bertinelli: Where we can’t get. *glowers*
Dinah Lance: *over comm* Don’t worry, girls, I’ll have you out in…well, before the song’s over!
Stephanie Brown: *brightly* So, anyone up for charades?
Cassandra Cain: *nods emphatically* I rule at charades!
Babs & Helena: *sigh*
On Stage
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catman: Maybe one of us should go after the kid.
Catwoman: ‘One of us’?
Catman: The other one needs ta take care of that robot before it runs amuck.
Catwoman: -_- Point. I’ll do it.
Catman: *pulls out a knife from his boot, and other bits of various weaponry from his person* And I’ll get to it. *grimly eyes large robo-spider*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Donna Troy: *squints* Diana, when did you get a tattoo?
Diana: … *not willing to try and explain* I…didn’t. *Gods, she doesn’t even know how Booster and Beetle managed to put a rendering of the Golden Gate Bridge on her breasts in henna*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batcave
Batman: O.O *small voice* My car…
Nightwing: *unable to help himself as he stares at the now Barbie-pink Batmobile* BWA-HA-HA-HA! *rolls around on cave floor*
On Stage
On the fifth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: *scowls as she reads the damage report* Everyone from R&D is hogtied to tables in the cafeteria, and all of them are sporting multi-colored mohawks. *gnashes teeth* This. Means. War. *slams fist down on table, disrupting the sleep of one of the zoo full of kittens currently occupying her office*
Professor Hamilton: *cowering in corner* I could get someone to round these animals up and take them down to the testing lab.
Amanda Waller: *growls* Do it. *shifts, expression going blank* But first…get maintenance up here.
Professor Hamilton: Ma’am?
Amanda Waller: *stony glare to rival Batman’s* I appear to be superglued to my chair.
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon: Uh…the Tower of Pisa? *scratches head*
Stephanie Brown: *after exchanging whispers with Cass* London Bridge is falling down!
Helena Bertinelli: *sighs and slumps* Correct.
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Backstage
Catwoman: *grits teeth and continues cajoling the girl in the ridiculously yellow costume* C’mon, sweetie, Catman’s dismantled the robot spider. Everything’s safe…
Catgirl: *cringes* Are you sure?
Catwoman: *miffed* Of course I’m sure; I’m Catwoman.
Catgirl: *sighs and crawls out from the trap door in the stage* And I’ll bet you’re never scared of anything, either.
Catwoman: Well, not much. *the hero gig is getting to her and she feels compelled to tell the truth* But then, I never played sidekick for Batman, so you have something going for you there.
Catgirl: *perks up* You really think so?
Catwoman: Yes. *she has to slightly respect anyone who managed to deal with the Bat for umpteen years. Gotham knows it was never easy for her*
On Stage
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *muttering* Rassle-frassen-rassa… By Hera, I’ve been scrubbing at these blasted marks for an hour, and they’re only just starting to come off! *starts pouring second bottle of soap on loofah*
Donna Troy: *hanging around outside of the bathroom* Did you fall in, Di?
Diana: *grumbles* *steams* NO!
Donna Troy: *chuckles*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman: *muttering* Rassle-frassen-rassa… When I get my hands on those two, they’re going to regret ever having laid one hand on my car…
Tim Drake: *huffs* He should just give up; that’s Ted’s patented unremovable ink; it ain’t going nowhere. *goes back to mad scientisty things and planning Ted and Booster’s payback*
On the sixth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On six crawling spiders…
Peter Parker AKA Spiderman: Y’know, I could handle having my uniform colors changed to Pepto-Bismol pink and blue, but exchanging my web fluid for epoxy was just mean. *struggles futilely in accidentally self-made web*
Ben Riley AKA Spider-Man: Word. *uses blowtorch to cut the strands* *it’s very slow going* *especially as he has his gloves and boots, but except for his underwear, nothing else* And I resent being shoved into the same category as her.
Jessica Drew AKA Spider-Woman: *currently wearing an ‘I’m With Stupid’ T-shirt and a red Speedo* No kidding. *crosses arms over chest and glares across the roof* Why couldn’t they have brought in Arachne? Or Araña?
Catalina Flores AKA Tarantula II: *not at all discomfited by wearing only purple lace lingerie* *she does, after all, have her weapons* Hmmph! You’re just jealous that I’m the only one who is the other kind of arachnid. You’re all repeats.
John Law AKA Tarantula I: *glowers at both Catalina Flores and his own current garb of Spider-Woman’s costume* You stole that name from me, little girl. At least they’re not supervillians…
Tarantula II: Hmph!
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: *drumming fingers impatiently on table* When is maintenance going to get here, Emil?
Professor Hamilton: *gulps* Er…as soon as they get the elevators working again, I believe they said?
Amanda Waller: *glares* Is there some reason they can’t take the stairs? I take the stairs everyday.
Professor Hamilton: *wisely doesn’t ask how come she’s still severely overweight* I believe someone mentioned something about the cuttings of Poison Ivy’s pueraria lobata from that time she tried to take over Kauai, and an…infestation in the stairwells. *sweatdrops* They’ve contained it, but no one’s getting to use the stairs in the meantime, because they’re all clogged with vines.
Amanda Waller: *steams* *ignores kitten chasing her still-drumming fingers*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Cassandra Cain: *looking at Helena, who is doing her best to act out snow, lamppost, and a faun* Narnia.
Helena Bertinelli: *drops into seat* This is so unfair…
Barbara Gordon: *sighs* That’s correct.
Stephanie Brown: *smug, because she made sure Cass was on her team* My turn!
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *eyes widen* You had a son with Cheshire? Are you nuts? *eyes narrow speculatively*
Catman: You had a daughter with Batman!
Catwoman: *huffs, miffed* *wishes she were with Helena now* Yeah, but at least he tries to be a good dad. Cheshire is crazier than her namesake.
Catman: *shrugs, because he has to concede that point* Yeah, but she’s great in the sack. *leers*
Catwoman: *groans* I so did not need to hear that… *goes off to look for better company*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *dressed once more in a comfortable toga, and no longer adorned with any art* Hmm, now what? *yawns* Maybe I’ll rest a bit before tracking those two…down. *falls into bed, not even noticing the strangely sweet smell in the air*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batcave
Batman: -_- Why am I female? *eyes suspiciously (first) Batgirl-like uniform, complete with yellow accents*
Tim Drake: *shrugs* Probably for the same reason I am. *crosses arms under his cape over his breasts* *pointedly ignores the little skirt he’s wearing, with the short pants*
Batman: I only recall one story where I ended up a woman…and you weren’t the Robin in that story. *sighs*
Tim Drake: *remembers series where he was Janet Haywood* *shudders at the possibilities* Yes, well…
Batman: *quirks questioning brow*
Tim Drake: I’m going to go find Kon. *skedaddles*
Elsewhere
Red Hood: *growls* I don’t how this happened, but I know it’s Bruce’s fault. *crosses arms over DD chest and scowls*
On Stage
On the seventh day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On seven sneaky ninjas…
Lady Shiva: *growls* Who would dare to prank me?
Shado: *glares* The same people who dared to prank me, no doubt.
Richard Dragon: *has decided that discretion is definitely the better part of valor and is hiding wandering around backstage* I wonder if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are around here somewhere…
Dinah Lance: *over comm., since she’s still trying to Canary Cry through the foliage surrounding the Clocktower* There’s only so many cameos the Writer can use, so I don’t know… *it’s slow going, and she’s gotten hit by more barbs than when she spars with Oracle*
Sakura Haruno: *explodes* NARUTO!
Sasuke Uchiha: >.< Deadlast… *readies kunai*
Naruto Uzumaki: *backs up fearfully* It wasn’t me!!!! *shows off his own neon purple striped hair to prove his innocence - in this one matter* *the purple clashes awfully with his usual orange jumpsuit and his now-green spotted skin*
Sakura Haruno: *deflates* *sighs* Okay, maybe it wasn’t your fault… *eyes pink skin with distaste* *with her hair, it’s way too much*
Sasuke Uchiha: Unless he pissed someone off… *glares through own neon blue hair, skin tie-dyed sickly shade of purple*
Naruto Uzumaki: I piss everyone off, and barely anyone’s retaliated before. Besides, why would they target you? *huffs*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon: I finally got the JLA transporter hooked up.
Helena Bertinelli: Yay, we’re saved!
Barbara Gordon: *sighs* Not entirely. I can only bring stuff in, not move stuff out.
Helena Bertinelli: *deflates* Wonderful…
Stephanie Brown: Could you bring in some of that spiced apple cider the stage crew is drinking? I tried to make cocoa, but it didn’t work very well… *blushes, gestures to smoking wreck of kitchen*
Cassandra Cain: Please. *nods frantically* Before she tries to cook again.
Stephanie Brown: *crosses arms over chest, huffs*
Barbara Gordon: *sighs* I’ll get right on it, girls…
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *runs finger down Batman’s chest* You’re not afraid of little old me…are you, my Dark Knight?
Batman: Um… *gulps* *very aware that Catwoman has stolen all of his clothes aside from his current attire of a black silk robe and the…costume…Beetle and Booster put him in* No, Kitten, I’m not afraid of you. *is very glad she didn’t show up a verse or two ago*
Catwoman: *naughty grin* Good. *pounces*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *woke up to find a mustache drawn on her face in ink just as hard to remove as the tattoo on her breasts* *is standing in front of bathroom mirror and continues second hour of scrubbing* When I get back to my room, there had better not be some sort of vermin or insects in my underwear drawer…
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Tim Drake: *grins maniacally* Eureka! I’ve finally found the formula to turn their pranks back on them.
Kon-El: All of them? *interested*
Tim Drake: No, just this…last…one. *scratches head and mutters under breath* I think…
Kon-El: *pictures Booster Gold as a woman and also grins* Dude, that’s… *snickers*
Tim Drake: Also, Ralph Dibny finally got tired of helping them hide and so they should be easier to find.
Kon-El: *grin widens*
Backstage
Booster Gold: *blinks* Ted, you’re looking awfully…feminine.
Blue Beetle *eyes now female form* *sighs* Oh, well, it had to happen sooner or later… Hmm… *proceeds to poke and prod newly-curved form*
Booster Gold: *covertly eyes Ted’s rather amazing rack* Do you think it’s going to happen to me?
Blue Beetle: *shrugs, causing breasts to shift erotically* Who knows? Certainly not me.
On the eighth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On eight crazy robots…
Backstage
L-Ron: I am not crazy.
J-Lo: Sometimes I think I am… *thinks about ‘relationship’ with Manga Khan and cringes*
Red Tornado: *grimaces as well as he is able - his face is not constructed to show much expression* I am an android, not a robot.
Skeets: Hmmph! We all are, just some people - like the Writer - can’t figure out the difference.
The Vision II: *ponders* It’s simple: androids have sentience, right? Robots are controlled by someone else.
Maxwell Lord IV: *wonders why he’s there, since he’s only a cyborg - and where is Cyborg, anyway?* We’re all controlled by someone else - the Writer.
Red Tornado: *sighs* Point.
L-Ron, J-Lo & Skeets: -_- We cannot disagree.
The Vision II: *wonders if his predecessor ever felt like this* I’m going to go find Cassie and the rest of the Young Avengers… I think I need ‘cheering up.’
On Stage
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Sakura Haruno: Sasuke-kun, where’s Naruto?
Sasuke Uchiha: *shrugs* All I care is that he’s not here.
Sakura Haruno: …
Sasuke: *eyes narrow* …
Sakura & Sasuke: *voices filled with dread* It’s too quiet.
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
Peter Parker: *sighs* I can’t wait for this song to be over. I haven’t seen Mary Jane in forever. *leans back against wall he’s sticking to, thirty-three stories above ground*
Ben Riley: *pouts, also leans back, and crosses arms over chest* At least you have a wife. I’m still single.
Spiderwoman: *hides grin, puts on mock-sad expression* So am I… *creeps across the wall, coming closer*
Ben Riley: Oh? *interested*
Peter Parker: *crawls away, leaving the two…lovebugs…alone*
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: Finally! *glares as maintenance men enter office* What kept you?
Maintenance Man #1: *tugs collar away from neck* Er…we hadta wash our tools, ma’am.
Amanda Waller: *eyes them* Why? I would presume you keep them in proper working order at all times.
Maintenance Man #2: We do, ma’am, but, uh, someone dumped molasses all over ‘em. *cringes* Sorry it took so long.
Amanda Waller: *growls* Well, you’re here now, so get to work! *pounds fist on table; ignores plaintive meows from formerly sleeping cats*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: I’m feeling more sad than anything.
Barbara Gordon: *squints* Why? *wonders about the possibility of mood-altering drugs being released into the air of the Clocktower*
Helena Bertinelli: *grumbles* I could be out kicking ass or getting laid right now.
Stephanie Brown: *sighs* I know what you mean.
Cassandra Cain: Could bring Tim here.
Stephanie Brown: *snorts* Uh-huh. Suuuurre…
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catgirl: Booster and Beetle are gonna be scared once I got a hold of ‘em! *shakes fist towards backstage area*
Catman: *chews on cigar* Oooh, I’m shaking in my boots.
Catwoman: *slaps him with her whip* Knock it off. You haven’t done anything to them.
Catman: *affronted, shrugs*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Donna: *knocks on Diana’s door* Di, are you okay?
Diana: I’m fine. *finishes tucking in sheets*
Donna: Why were you changing the sheets?
Diana: Booster and Beetle short-sheeted my bed. *grimly* And they left a bunch of worms inside the pillowcases.
Donna: *appalled at the juvenile tactics, but also strangely amused* Um, Di…are you aware that you have a mustache?
Diana: O.O *runs into bathroom* YAARGH!
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Tim Drake: Maybe if I figure out the formula for Ted Kord’s disappearing-reappearing ink, I can make enough money to fund a team of operatives whose sole purpose is playing pranks against team Blue and Gold to get back at them! *is not slightly manic from drinking an entire case of Jolt cola and having had no sleep for almost forty-eight hours while trying to plan the perfect revenge* *no, really*
Kon-El: *sighs* Why couldn’t he invent sex pollen?
Backstage
Blue Beetle: *chuckles* Booster, you look ridiculous.
Booster Gold: Why, what happened?
Blue Beetle: Someone *snicker* dyed your hair and gave you a *snerk* mustache.
Booster Gold: And that makes me look ridiculous? *paws through various props looking for something mirror-like*
Blue Beetle: Not, but the fact that your hair and ‘mustache’ are black, and your eyebrows are still blond, does. *grins goofily, not knowing that he now has a rather artistic rendition of an (anatomically correct) insect-like blue alien on his back*
On Stage
On the ninth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On nine happy ghosts…
Director: *stops banging head against the wall for long enough to ask* Happy?
Pre-Crisis Jason Todd: *grins* To not be dead!
Stephanie Brown: At least for as long as it takes to finish this song.
Post-Crisis Jason Todd: *eyes his double* I think I might have preferred oblivion… *eyes Stephanie* And hey, you’ve been around since verse four!
Stephanie Brown: *shrugs* Maybe the Writer just likes me better.
Pre-Crisis Jason Todd: *pouts* Aw, fudge!
Post-Crisis Jason Todd: *cringes* *resolves to teach the kid to swear properly*
Director: *groans* I need a drink…
Tora Olafsdotter: *blinks wide, innocent eyes* Why would he prefer oblivion? It’s great to be back; Hell was so…hellish.
Guy Gardner: *sees her from across the room and runs to her* Icey! *wraps her up in a bear hug*
Tora Olafsdotter: Oh, Guy… *giggles, hugs back* It’s good to see you, too.
Beatriz DeCosta: *sighs as she watches the two mismatched lovebirds* Oh, what the hell… *gives in and goes to hug them both*
Stephanie Brown and Post-Crisis Jason Todd: Ick.
Pre-Crisis Jason Todd: Aww… ♥
Sue Dibny: They have a point, though. *hugs Ralph* You’ll always be a ten to me, honey…
Ralph Dibny: Back atcha, sweetheart. *kisses*
Backstage
Booster Gold: *giggles*
Blue Beetle: *sighs* Now what?
Booster Gold: You…your hair! BWA-HA-HA!
Blue Beetle: *swipes the silver shield Booster had been using as a mirror* O.O Why do I have a mullet?
Booster Gold: *squints at Blue’s partially revealed back in his newly too-large uniform of a giant blue M&M costume* Why do you have a tattoo on your back?
On Stage
Narrator: …eight crazy androids…
Director: *drinking down his fifth fifth of Jack Daniel’s in as many minutes* No, sorry, but I don’t think I need an *hic* assistant.
J-Lo: Are you sure? *pleadingly* I have much experience working with…temperamental…entities.
Director: I’m not temper-mental…I’m just plain nuts. *slugs down a gin and vodka*
J-Lo: Perhaps I could create for you some medication to resolve that? *it had never worked for Manga Khan, but one could hope…*
Director: What, and be happy that I have to work with theshe lunatics? *gestures around him with his rum and Coke, minus the Coke*
J-Lo: *does robot version of blink* Point. Do you know if there’s any rocket fuel around here? *mutters under breath* It’s the only way for a metal person to become inebriated.
Director: *waves blearily backstage* I think the Bug’s parked outback somewhere, and there’s this sen-shient ship called Moya on top of the building, but I think it’s camoflazghed. *having drained final glass, yells* Hey, 1812! *hic* Could I get shome more booze, please?
1812: *does DRD version of sigh and trundles towards the stage with a gallon jug of whiskey*
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Sakura Haruno: *glares, hands on hips* Naruto, where were you last verse?
Naruto Uzumaki: I was teaching Batman the Sexy no jutsu.
Sakura Haruno: @.@
Sasuke Uchiha: …Why?
Naruto Uzumaki: Let’s just say that the pranks played on us could have been worse than just color clashes.
Sakura & Sasuke: -_-
Backstage
Lady Shiva: *eyes currently male form* The second thing I’m going to do is track down those two troublemakers and make them pay.
Cheshire: What’s the first thing? *very glad she doesn’t look anything like her ex-lover - either of them* *perks up as she wonders how hard it would be to get to see either of her kids like this*
Lady Shiva: *voice flat* I need a new name. What do you think of ‘Lord Shakti’?
On Stage
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
May Parker: *squeals* Daddy! *flings herself at Peter*
Peter Parker: Um…help? *completely bemused, bothered, and bewildered by her appearance, yet regardless, cuddles toddler close as he glances at his clone*
Ben Riley: *also confused, but this time it’s good to be the clone* I think she’s from an alternate future.
Peter Parker: Ah. *scratches head with robotic arm, as it’s the only one that’s free* Well, at least Mary Jane won’t be able to complain about pregnancy this way.
Ben Riley: No dirty diapers, either.
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: *glares at maintenance men as she hefts herself up from her desk* Did you have to cut my clothes off to remove me from my chair?
Professor Hamilton: *holding back a retch - he never ever wanted to know that his boss shopped Victoria’s Secret* Yes, did you?
Amanda Waller: *turns around, causing Maintenance Man #2 to faint and glares at him* What. Did. You. Say?
Professor Hamilton: *gulps*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon: *wheels back from transporter with lapful of boxes* Who wants pizza? I have pepperoni, supreme, vegetarian, cheese, and Hawaiian.
Helena Bertinelli: *suspiciously* Are you sure they aren’t poisoned?
Barbara Gordon: Dinah sent them; they’re safe. She also sent ice cream for dessert, but all she could get her hands on was raisin ripple.
Helena Bertinelli: *shrugs* Good enough for me.
Stephanie Brown: *grabs the pepperoni and starts eating with gusto* Okay, but if my tongue turns black from eating this, I’m going to say ‘I told you so.’
Cassandra Cain: *scowls and chomps on cheese slice* My tongue turn black, I turn Booster and Beetle black and blue.
Dinah: *listening over comm* You said it, honey. *snickers*
Backstage
Booster Gold: *snickers*
Blue Beetle: *drinking apple cider* What’s so funny, Booster?
Booster Gold: My hair may be black, but your tongue… BWA-HA-HA!
Blue Beetle: *picks up shield, sticks out tongue* *blinks* *deadpans* My tongue is blue.
Booster Gold: *snickers*
On Stage
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *bursts out laughing*
Batman: -_- It was your idea.
Catwoman: *between laughs* Y-yes, it was, but…*sporfle*…red really isn’t your color.
Batman: Indeed. *discreetly shifts self underneath scarlet satin dental floss that passes for women’s underwear*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *looks around disaster area that is her quarters on the Watchtower* *sighs, gets to work*
Backstage
Blue Beetle: *snickers*
Booster Gold: :-{ *looks in mirror-shield, sticks out tongue* There’s nozhing wrong wiff my tongue.
Blue Beetle: *snickering grows louder* Ah, Booster, busty - I mean, buddy - it’s not your tongue.
Booster Gold: *feeling of dread grows as he catches Ted’s verbal faux pas* *lowers eyes to look at chest* Oh…crap.
Blue Beetle: Payback is sweet. *starts laughing uproariously, as Booster did when he was the one to get turned into a woman*
On Stage
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Tim Drake: *currently wearing first Batgirl’s uniform* Oh, goody… I remember this AU. *grimaces*
Jason Todd: *in regular Robin suit - how unfair!* *leers* So do I, BG.
Tim Drake: *gulps* *remembers how to act like a girl - a Batgirl* You have to catch me first, Robbie! *skips off*
Jason Todd: *grins, gives chase*
On the tenth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On ten angry witches…
Zatanna Zatara: *wails* I look terrible in this!
Jason Blood: You wear fishnets and a leotard on a regular basis; this isn’t really much different. *smirks* At least you have the legs for it.
Doctor Fate: *trying in vain to conjure up his cape to hide behind* *thankful he at least still has his helmet, even if it does look weird* At least you are the correct gender for your raiment.
Zachary Zatara: *scowls* Indeed. *stamps one slippered foot* And since when am I a witch? I was under the impression I was a magician…
Doctor Strange: *wishes he had a helmet* I just hope none of those reporters gets a picture of me like this…
Wanda Maximoff: *wistfully* I always wanted one of these when I was a little girl…
Backstage
Jinx: *is very glad that her own garb is black and purple, her favored colors* Instead of being the Scarlet Witch, now I suppose she could be the Pale Pink Ballerina. All I wanna know is: Why tutus?
Raven: *blinks and eyes self* What I want to know is why you and I are our animated counterparts? *glares disdainfully at the poofy skirt around her normal blue leotard instead of her typical cloak*
Jinx: *shrugs* Who cares? I’m just happy to have hair. *pats her bright pink ponytails*
Raven: Point. *looks across room* I’m too happy about being lumped into the same category as him, however.
Mumbo Jumbo: *currently garbed in a rather sickly orange tutu* *thankfully it includes opaque tights* Ack! This ensemble clashes horribly with my magic hat! *and his aqua-colored skin, too*
On Stage
Director: *whimpers* *he’s sober now, unfortunately* Tell me we’re not going to have to revise the script for this verse.
Narrator: *under breath, so as not to disturb the flow of the show* What do you mean we, round-eye? I’m the one that has to adlib. And I’ve already had to alter verse eight.
Director: *whimpers* Yeah, but I’m the one that gets blamed if you don’t do a good job.
Narrator: *rolls eyes and scoffs* I need to get back to singing, now…
Director: *waves hand uselessly*
Narrator: *sighs, rolls eyes* …nine happy ghosts…
Michelle Carter: Mikey! It’s great to see you again!
Booster Gold: *brightens* Shel! *wraps up in hug* Man, sis, it’s great to see you. *grins*
Michelle Carter: *hugs back* It’s good to see you, too bro. *pulls back* So, who’s this?
Blue Beetle: I’m the Blue Beetle, also known as Ted Kord, and I am delighted to meet you. *takes hand, kisses back*
Booster Gold: *steams as Michelle giggles*
Narrator: …eight crazy androids…
1812: *moves quickly across the floor*
Molly Hayes: Hey, come back! *runs after the DRD* Aww…
Victor Mancha: Molly, I don’t think the…thing…wants to let you spray paint it pink and purple.
Molly Hayes: *pouts* But it would look so cute.
Victor Mancha: I don’t think it thinks so.
Molly Hayes: *perks up* I could paint you. Gert’s got some purple nail polish. *grins*
Victor Mancha: *cringes, tries to think of way to dissuade Molly* *fails* Uh…okay. *sighs* *he is so whipped*
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Naruto Uzumaki: Well, as long we’re here, we might as well…
Sasuke Uchiha: You might as well, deadlast. I don’t play pranks.
Sakura Haruno: *wonders if there’s anyone around who got their hair dyed pink* Do whatever you want, but leave me out of it. *goes off to try and find someone to trade hair tips with*
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
Peter Parker: *sings* The itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the water spout… *makes appropriate hand gestures*
May Parker: *joins in* Down came da rain, and washed da spider out! *giggles*
Ben Riley: *sighs, gives into the madness - she is his niece, of a sort, right?* Out came the sun, and dried off all the rain…
Peter & May: And the itsy-bitsy Spider-Girl took Hydroman off to jail! *laugh*
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: Are you sure this was the only thing available in the Lost and Found?
Professor Hamilton: *gulps* I’m…afraid so, ma’am. Nothing else was in your…size.
Amanda Waller: *glowers and folders feathered arms over equally-feathered chest* When I get my hands on those two… A chicken suit! The indignity of it all.
Professor Hamilton: *doesn’t dare to laugh, but really really wants to* Yes, indeed, the…indignity of it.
Random Kitten on the Floor: Mew! *purrs* *rubs up against Waller’s fluffy leg*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: *thoughtfully* Are you sure we can’t transport anything out of here?
Barbara Gordon: *eyes narrow* Anything? Well, something really really small, maybe, but certainly none of us… Why, what did you have in mind, Helena?
Helena Bertinelli: *smirks* Payback.
Stephanie & Cassandra: Ooooohhh… *intrigued*
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catman: Ya got any eights?
Catgirl: Go fish!
Backstage
Booster Gold: They might not be scared, but I sure am.
Blue Beetle: Really? Why?
Booster Gold: *scratches discreetly at ass* Because I just know that somehow, someway, someone has found a way to teleport itching powder into my jockstrap.
Blue Beetle: *caught between cringing and laughing* *feels burning sensation below own waist and decides to go with the former* Ooooh… *pained whimper* *starts stripping and scratching simultaneously*
On Stage
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: Finally! *sighs in relief, flops onto couch* It took me a whole verse, but everything’s finally clean.
Donna Troy: Don’t jinx yourself, Di.
Diana: *muzzy from exhaustion* No, Jinx is in the tenth verse.
Donna Troy: *smirks* Goodnight, sis. *grabs blanket, tucks Diana in*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman & Robin: *now wearing uniforms that are canary yellow on hot pink* -_-
On the eleventh day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: Eleven shifting shapeshifters…
Gar Logan: Booyah! The Beast Boy is in the house! *does Tam Lin impression, save the burning coal, ending with a plethora of alien fauna, topped off with a peacock*
Vic Stone: *scratches chin* Why is he acting like my animated counterpart?
Metamorpho: Who knows? I think I’m the animated version, too.
Shift: I’m not.
Metamorpho: You don’t exist in the animated continuity.
Shift: *does Looney Tunes-like raspberry with his ‘tongue’* You’re just upset because people like Outsiders better than the JLU.
Metamorpho: Damn. You’re right. *melts into colorless sludge reminiscent of the Doldrums from The Phantom Tollbooth*
Plastic Man: What is that peeping sound? *scratches head with elongated finger*
J’onn J’onnz: *sighs* That would be…the ducklings.
10 Ducklings: Peep! *huddle around J’onn*
Plastic Man: O.O BWA-HA-HA-HA!
Backstage
Chameleon: Finally! Someone remembered that I exist! *dances eerily like Beast Boy, only with people*
Brainiac 5: *dryly* Occasionally I find myself wondering why you do exist - since it appears your only function is to annoy me.
Chameleon: Hey! *glares, orange antennae quivering with rage*
Lyle Norg: Don’t mind him, Cham; he’s just nassed because Nura’s not here right now.
Chameleon: Where is she?
Lyle Norg: Off talking magic with the Scarlet Witch.
Chameleon: *grumbles, but nevertheless stomps away once noticing the all-too-sulky look on Querl’s face*
On Stage
Narrator: …ten angry mages…
Raven: I wonder where Omen is?
Jinx: *shrugs* Probably with the group from verse nine.
Rave: But she is a mystic…
Jinx: Yeah, but in current continuity, she’s also dead.
Doctor Fate: I wonder where the Question is?
Doctor Strange: I didn’t think he was a mystic?
Doctor Fate: He has this whole shamanism thing going on… *shrugs*
Zatana Zatara: He also has this whole ‘hatred of publicity’ thing going on.
Zachary Zatara: Really? Sounds worse than Batman.
Zatana Zatara: Most definitely - in that one way. *sighs*
Narrator: …nine happy ghosts…
Hal Jordon, AKA The Spectre: … Man, it’s boring here in Heaven now that everyone I know is back on Earth. Maybe I should join the party…
Narrator: …eight crazy androids…
Victor Mancha: *folds arms across chest* I resent being called crazy.
The Vision II: I would have thought that you’d resent being called an android.
Victor Mancha: *sighs, scuffs toe* Yeah, well I’m not sure if you could technically call me a cyborg…
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Sakura Haruno: I still don’t think it’s a good idea. What if we get caught?
Naruto Uzumaki: We’re ninjas, Sakura-chan; of course they won’t be able to catch us.
Sasuke Uchiha: … I hate to admit it, but the dobe has a point.
Sakura Haruno: *sighs* All right; I’ll help you steal a cutting of those mutant vines.
Naruto Uzumaki: *pumps fist* YES!
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
Peter Parker: Whoa! *grabs May and backs off from rapidly growing…beanstalk?* What’s this?
May Parker: Cool! *burbles and reaches out for a passing flower* Pretty!
Ben Riley: *breaks away from clench with Spider-Woman* I think I heard about something like this happening to the Birds of Prey over in DC.
Spider-Woman: Hmmph! Why are they preying on us?
Peter Parker: *wrestling flower away from pouting child* Sorry, honey, but you don’t know where that’s been.
Naruto Uzumaki: Eh-heh. *sweatdrops* Sorry, guys, didn’t realize that the whole ‘add water’ thing counted with sewer sludge, and when I dropped the seed, it…*gestures to vine*…bloomed.
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Professor Hamilton: *musingly* I’m really quite surprised that things were so low-key.
Amanda Waller: *now dressed as a giant red M&M instead of a yellow chicken* Low-key?
Professor Hamilton: *blanches* Well, for certain degrees of ‘low-key.’ There were runway plants, mechanical spiders, and practical jokes instead of ‘Things That Man Was Not Meant To Know.’ Sure, there were some ghosts, but that’s old hat. There weren’t any werewolves, or…or vampires!
Spike AKA William the Bloody: *sticks cigarette in mouth* Hey, mate. Got a light?
Oz AKA Daniel Osbourne: Sure. *shrugs laconically and offers lighter*
Spike: Where’s Red?
Oz: With the other witches.
Spike: *nods*
Amanda Waller: *sighs* You just had to say something, Emil, didn’t you?
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Dinah: *finishes screaming her way through the thorns* *flips dramatically through the skylight and poses* I’m here!
Barbara, Cassandra, Helena & Stephanie: What took you so long?!
Dinah: *slumps*
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Red Hood: So, how’re things going in your neck of the woods? *casually sharpens knife*
Catgirl: *shrugs, checks wheels on rollerskates* Not much now that I’m not Robin.
Red Hood: *sighs* Yeah, I hear ya.
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *awakens* *yawns, stretches* I wonder how much time I have left to find Booster and Beetle? *looks at clock* Great Hera! One verse?
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman: >.< Why is the Cave rainbow colored?
Tim Drake: *deadpan* That would be the silly string.
Batman: -_-
On the twelfth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On twelve marauding monsters…
Bruce Banner: *glares* Hey! I’m not even hulked out right now!
Benjamin Grim: Who ya callin’ a monster, lady? *grits orange rock-like teeth* An’ I never ‘maraud’; I clobber!
Director: *shushes them* hey, we’re almost through with a farce of a *chokes* performance. Let her finish and then we can all get out of here.
Bruce & Ben: -_- All right.
Director: *waves at the Narrator* Go on!
Narrator: *smiles brightly at the ‘monsters’*…eleven shifting shapeshifters…
Gar Logan: Man, I wish she’d smile at me like that.
Chameleon: Me too.
Ralph Dibny: Word has it she likes cats.
Gar Logan: *immediately turns into most adorable little green kitten ever seen - on the animated show* *prances over to Narrator* Mew! *rubs against legs*
Narrator: *melts* *cuddles Gar-kitten* …ten angry magic-users…
Chameleon: *steams* I know I’m angry.
Dream Girl: Couldn’t you turn into a cat?
Chameleon: Yes, but I refuse to be a…a copy-cat!
Lyle Norg: *snickers*
Narrator: …nine happy ghosts…
Sue & Tora: *dance together, giggling like schoolgirls*
Beatriz DeCosta: *sighs with a grin, and joins them*
Guy Gardner: We got some great girls, don’t we, stretchy?
Ralph Dibny: *wipes tear from eye* Yeah, Guy, we sure do.
Narrator: …eight insane androids…
L-Ron: Insane isn’t much better than crazy, you know.
Director: *sighs, buries head in hands*
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Backstage
Nightwing: Any reason why you’re hiding backstage?
Richard Dragon: *wryly* Shiva, Shado and Cheshire hooked up with Elektra, and, surprisingly, Tarantula, and are having a…well, for lack of a better term, a lady’s lunch. I don’t want to be anywhere near them when they start discussing past lovers.
Nightwing: *blanches* I…need to go find Roy. And Ollie. And…warn a whole lot of other people, too. *runs, does not walk, away*
On Stage
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
May Parker: *yawns* I’m sleepy, Daddy. C’n we go home yet?
Peter Parker: *grins, cuddles child closer* Soon, sweetie; just a little while longer.
May Parker: Mm-kay. *nods off*
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: *sighs, gives in* All right, fine. You can come home with me.
Kitten: *small, black, and very tenacious, she has been following Amanda around all day* Mew! *happy kitty grin* *carefully climbs up into Amanda’s voluminous purse, tucking herself in between the mace and the taser* *purrs*
Professor Hamilton: *pointedly does not say anything* *secretly pockets cute little marmalade-striped cat who has demonstrated love of cheese doodles*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon: Dammit!
Dinah Lance: What?
Barbara Gordon; Aside from the itching powder, we missed out on getting to prank Ted and Booster back! *growls, grinds teeth*
Helena Bertinneli: What I’m mad about is that we didn’t get to see what Batman looked like in Catwoman’s lingerie. *sniffs*
Stephanie & Cassandra: O.o
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *purrs* Feeling scared, lover? *strokes him, curls around naked form*
Batman: *shakes head wearily, cuddles closer* Nope.
Helena Kyle: *cries*
Batman: *cringes at shrill sound* *realizes with dread that he’s a Dad - and has no clue what to do with a baby* On second thought…
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *growls, gnashes teeth* Where are they? I will have my revenge!
Demona: No, human, you won’t. *sighs* Not as long as men like Goliath and Batman are favored by fortune.
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman: *blinks* I don’t believe it.
Tim Drake: *grimly* Believe it.
Batman: They put sugar in the gas tank. Of the Batmobile.
Tim Drake: *shrugs defeatedly* At least we have spares.
On the thirteenth day of Halloween…
Sex-Sated Outsiders: Huh?!
Director: *shrugs* It is in the title. *adds under breath* And they are generally considered bad luck… *pointedly does not specify which ‘they’*
Narrator: *glares until all assembled are cowed into submission*
On the thirteenth day of Halloween Booster Gold and Blue Beetle…laughed at all the pranks that had been played:
Narrator: Thirteen jokes played on themselves…
Booster Gold: Really? Thirteen?
Blue Beetle: Hmm, let’s see…. *starts counting on fingers* I got turned into a woman, and I got a mullet, and you got that dye-and-mustache thing…
Booster Gold: That’s three; what are the other ten?
Blue Beetle: *affronted* Well, you could help me, you know.
Booster Gold: *sighs* Does keeping us on the run for the whole song count?
Blue Beetle: Probably.
Narrator: …twelve marauding monsters…
Benjamin Grimm: Last verse, right?
Director: *nods, almost weeps from thankfulness* And then we can all get out of here!
Bruce Banner: *backs away from manic gleam in the Director’s eyes* Uh, Ben?
Benjamin Grimm: *also retreats* Yeah, Bruce?
Bruce Banner: You wanna try and join in that card game that Catgirl and Red Hood got going, maybe get them to switch to poker?
Benjamin Grimm: *already on his way backstage* Sounds good.
Narrator: …eleven shifting shapeshifters…
Victor Stone: Hey, where is J’onn J’onnz?
Beast Boy: *currently in mallard form* I heard he was dealing with an influx of ducklings. Qvack, qvack.
Victor Stone: Ducklings? *blinks eyes*
Beast Boy: Yeah, there was that one story where Ted accidentally ended up getting ten ducklings imprinting on J’onn as their mother, and that was the prank played on him last verse. He’s been hiding from everyone ever since.
In The Wings
J’onn J’onnz: *eyes trail of ducklings marching behind him* *sighs* All right, children, I believe there is a pool on the roof…
Backstage
Booster Gold: So us forced to be on the run, plus when I got turned into a woman, makes five, right?
Blue Beetle: *dryly* Congratulations, Boost, you’ve mastered simple addition.
Booster Gold: *raspberries him* Oh, shut up.
Blue Beetle: *innocent* But Booster-buddy, how am I supposed to count if I don’t talk?
Booster Gold: *steams*
On Stage
Narrator: …ten angry non-science users…
Brainiac 5: Science is the epitome of everything in the universe. Everything and everyone uses science. Even magic-users.
Dream Girl: Oh, Querl… *kisses cheek* Romance has its place, too.
Brainaic 5: *blushes* A chemical reaction caused by biology…chemistry, biology… *sighs, gives up on being coherent, kisses back*
Booster Gold: *arms crossed over chest, scowls* If green guy can get a girl, why can’t I?
Blue beetle: Without resorting to a fake marriage for money? *drolly* It’s probably because he’s not an idiot.
Booster Gold: *steams* You’re one to talk; I’m not the one that mistook Ivy’s pheromones for liquid soap.
Blue Beetle: *blushes as he recalls hitting on every breathing being nearby for the entirety of the seventh verse* You were in that one fic…
Narrator: …eight wacky androids…
Skeets: Wacky, adjective, typically used in regards to hijinks. Hmm… *ponders* I suppose that will do.
The Vision II: Hijinks? Like pranks and/or practical jokes?
Victor Mancha: Si, man.
The Vision II: *smirks* Oh, Tommy…
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Sakura Haruno: Where’s Naruto? We’re leaving in less than a verse!
Sasuke Uchicha: He’s gone out drinking with some blue woman named Chiara. He said someone called Moya would give him a ride back to Konoha.
Sakura Haruno: *worriedly nibbles fingernails* I hope we all make it back in one piece.
Sasuke Uchiha: *will never admit he feels the same anxiousness* *instead, checks over his weapons cache*
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
Skeets: That, plus my current…predicament…makes seven practical jokes.
Blue Beetle: *blinks* Skeets! You’re…blue.
Booster Gold: And shaped like a bug. A…beetle. *snerk*
Skeets: *waves front legs around in gesture reminiscent of a shrug* That’s what happens when the Director enlisted the help of 1812 with transferring my AI to another body.
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Blue Beetle: Both of us getting the itch makes it nine practical jokes…
Booster Gold: Are you sure we should count those separately?
Blue Beetle: Most of them weren’t aimed at both of us, so…yes.
Skeets: That is a logical deduction. *pauses* If logic could be applied to this situation.
Blue & Gold: *glower*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Booster Gold: And, of course, the tongue thing, and your tattoo, plus your new ‘costume’…
Blue Beetle: That only makes twelve. *frowns* And why did most of them happen to me?
Booster Gold: *shrugs* Because you’re the brains of this outfit?
Skeets: -_- Indeed, sir.
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *tossing Bruce’s bedroom* What happened to my clothes?
Batman: *smirks* Well, kitten, I thought it was high time I turned the tables. *cracks her whip*
Catwoman: *miffed, but decides to play along - for now* Why, Batman, so…forceful. *flutters lashes*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *sighs* *having been unable to track down Beetle and Booster for the entire song, she gives up*
Beetle & Booster: *hiding underneath the stage* Whew! *wipes sweat off each other’s brows*
Narrator: …Batman and Robin…
Batman & Robin: *now wearing uniforms that are tear-away and styled after a stripper’s clothing* -_-
Narrator: …and Eris gives the Boostle pair a gift!
Blue Beetle: *blinks* Huh? Eris?
Booster Gold: Who’s Eris?
Blue Beetle: The Goddess of Discord. But what…
Booster Gold: *dawning dread* Could this be our thirteenth prank?
Junior: *pops in from nowhere* Hi, Dads! *smiles and waves*
Narrator: *smirks* A prankster of their very own. (Thanks, doctorv!)
Blue Beetle: OMGWTFBBQ? *glomped by Junior*
Booster Gold: O.o *faints*
Director: *smirks* Ha! Finally, a little payback.
Batman: *hiding in the shadows of the stage* *also smirks*
Ditto on the rest of the cast.
Tim Drake: *looking smug* *buffs fingers on tunic* I. Rule.
Kon-El: Bwuh?
Tim Drake: *smirks* I called Cassie, who contacted Ares, and got myself an audience with a certain Discordian Goddess.
Kon-El: O.O Whoa…
Narrator: Happy Halloween!
Director: *sighs, slumps against wall* There is no way we’re doing this next year.
Narrator: *frowns* You just had to say it, didn’t you?
Director: *whimpers*
Narrator: *kicks him* She’ll come up with a doozy for Valentine’s; we’ll have to deal with love-struck superheroes instead of just cracked out ones.
Director: *whimpers again, and then faints, hitting head on nearby concrete block*
Narrator: *frowns sourly* Sure, take the easy way out. *eyes block, realizes that while it’s as hard as stone, it isn’t concrete, and shivers* Then again, I don’t want to try the hard way. Steph’s fruitcake was bad enough without being eleven months old…
THE END
No, Seriously.
We Mean It This Time.
…
REALLY
…
*sigh*
Sequel to The Twelve Crazy Days Of Christmas
The DC Comics Players proudly present:
The Thirteen Pranks Of Halloween
A Crack-Fic Production
***
With a cast featuring:
The Birds of Prey
The JLI/Super-Buddies
Marvel Comics
The Titans
Young Justice
And numerous dead characters from various continuities.
With cameos by characters from:
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
Gargoyles
The Legion of Super-Heroes
Naruto
The Toon Titans
Various fics by doctorv
And intrusions contributions from the TV show Farscape.
Fics referenced include:
All The Things Of The World (Tim/Jason Gender-Bender AU) by thete1
The Fools Who Do series (Bruce/Tim Gender-Switch) by thete1
Irresistible (Booster/Beetle) by silver_apples
The Mulletverse (Booster/Beetle) by doctorv
When Water Had Its Way (Bruce/Jason Gender-Switch) by thete1
Fics also mentioned briefly:
Cat Tales (A Batman/Catwoman series) by Chris Dee
I Am Created Shiva (Timfinity AU) by scriviner
Tactical Advantages (Tim/Kon Gender-Switch) by thete1
***
PROLOGUE: Here We Go Again…
***
Backstage
Director: *sighs tiredly* How did we get roped into doing this again?
Narrator: *shrugs* I don’t know about you, but I got promised perks by the Writer.
Director: Perks?
Narrator: *grins like the Cheshire Cat* I get to beta read all of her porn.
Director: *nosebleeds and facefaults*
On Stage
Nightwing: I thought this whole thing involved the JLI, not the JLA?
Superman: *carefully X-Raying entire building* What with all these pranks going on, I’m not taking chances that Mxyzptlk won’t show up.
Nightwing: *nods sagely and reminds himself to keep a close watch on the Joker and Harley Quinn, the Mad Hatter, and possibly also Scarecrow, as Halloween is his holiday*
Superman: *blanches as he encounters the party - orgy, rather - being held in the basement by the Outsiders* *decides to head elsewhere* I’ll…see you later, Dick.
Nightwing: Okay. *cheerfully oblivious*
Backstage
Director: *mopping up nose* The scent of déjà vu is heavy in the air.
Narrator: *smirks* Actually, I think that’s the scent of apple cider.
Director: *blinks* There’s apple cider?
Narrator: Uh-huh. *slurps down apple spiced goodness* It’s really tasty, too.
Director: Where did you get that?
Narrator: From the cast.
Director: Who made it?
Narrator: *shrugs* All I know is it wasn’t Stephanie Brown, and it wasn’t Rogue. Which means it’s edible; drinkable, rather. *takes another big gulp*
Director: *scratches head* How did they make it? There isn’t a kitchen around here. Hell, I’m not sure if there’s more than one bathroom… *suddenly looks rather anxious*
Narrator: I think they improvised with people’s powers.
Director: *feels dawning sense of dread* Who?
Narrator: Well, Superman used his laser vision to heat the ‘kettle’…
Director: *dread increases* What did they use for the kettle?
Narrator: Thor’s helmet. *grins* I hear he wasn’t too happy about that.
Director: *dread dies, replaced by confusion* Isn’t Thor a member of the Avengers?
Narrator: Uh-huh.
Director: But they’re not from DC Comics!
Narrator: *shrugs* We had a few Marvel interlopers last year, remember? This year, I decided to just invite them to the production and have done with it.
Director: *whimpers*
***
ACT II, SCENE I: There’s No Business Like Other People’s Business…
***
On Stage
On the first day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Booster Gold: *smiles widely, showing off future-genes-enhanced teeth* We did? Cool!
Blue Beetle: *suspiciously* What kind of prank?
Narrator: …on Batman and Robin.
Booster Gold: *eyes widen to apocalyptic proportions* Dude!
Blue Beetle: *ditto* Dude…
Batman: *dressed in a copy of the first Robin’s costume, complete with elf boots and a Santa hat in matching red and green* *hisses* You. Two. Are. Dead…
Booster Gold & Blue Beetle: @.@ Run away! Run away! Run away! *follow their own advice*
Backstage
Wolverine: Little early for Christmas decorations, ain’t it? *puffs cigar*
Mary Marvel: It’s never too early for the Spanish Inquisition! *extremely pleased she had a chance to quote one of Blue and Gold’s favorite (and most watched) movies*
Beatriz DeCosta: *smirks* I think you have your movie quotes mixed up, Mary.
Mary Marvel: *pouts* Aww, fudge! *stamps foot*
Sue Dibny: *notices that Ralph has become a tent* *Ralph isn’t the only detective in the family - he must be hiding Booster and Ted* *sighs* Ralph, dear, you’re not exactly invisible…
Ralph Dibny: *frowns* I know. But Tora said please, and she gave me the eyes…
Director: *hisses* Quiet on the set!
Wolverine: *glowers* Wanna make me, bub?
Director: *sweatdrops* If you don’t let her finish, we’ll have to start over!
Wolverine: *thinks* *grumbles* *acquiesces* Okay.
Director: *wipes brow* *mumbles under breath* Jeeze, who pissed in his cornflakes?
On Stage
On the second day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Booster Gold: *fearfully* On who? *peeks out of a fold of Ralph’s…substance*
Blue Beetle: *sighs* If you’d let the nice Narrator finish, we could find out!
Narrator: On the Wonder Twins…
Blue Beetle: *scratches head* Does she mean Jan and Zayna?
Booster Gold: *also confused* Maybe she means Martin and Wendy?
Wonder Woman: *eyes the Theban Band logo painted meticulously across her…eagle* This isn’t what I meant when I said that I wanted to improve relations between Themyscira and Man’s World. *cracks lasso like whip* Oh, Booo-ster, Beee-tle…
Booster Gold & Blue Beetle: *cringe and burrow further inside Ralph*
Ralph Dibny: *frowns* Man, playing bomb shelter for these guys really can make a guy regret his powers.
Sue Dibny: Why? They tickling you?
Ralph Dibny: No, but I don’t really like being this close to anyone except you.
Sue Dibny: *snorfles* Ah…that’s…so sweet, honey.
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Backstage
Batman: *still hunting for the elusive team of Blue and Gold to put the hurt on them*
Booster Gold & Blue Beetle: *still hiding from their certain doom*
Tim Drake: *has decided that the elf suit he’s currently stuck in - and can’t remove - negates his fanboying tendencies towards Blue Beetle and is plotting their certain doom*
On Stage
On the third day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: Scared? Moi?
Catman: *snorts* Yeah, right.
Catgirl: Um… *eyes extremely large spider-looking robot that Beetle cooked up* EEEEEEEEEEKKKK! *roller-skates away*
Catwoman & Catman: Bwuh-huh?
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *has managed to change into a toga* *still wants to maul Booster and Beetle, however* Oh, boys… *grabs sword off wall and heads off to hunt them down*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman: *finally having realized that the team of Blue and Gold are masters at hiding, has gone to look for new clothes* Rassle-frassen-rassa…
Tim Drake: *looked for new clothes first thing, and is now garbed in his Robin suit, working in the Batcave lab* They will rue the day they crossed me, rue, I say! *rubs hands together mad-scientist like* *lightning crashes outside the Batcave* Ahh-ha-ha-ha!
On the fourth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Clocktower
Stephanie Brown: Why are we mad?
Cassandra Cain: *glowers* Got pranked. Duh.
Stephanie Brown: How? *looks around clean and seemingly prank-free Clocktower*
Barbara Gordon: Aside from the usual juvenile tricks of plastic wrap over the toilet bowl and shaving cream in the toothpaste tube…we can’t get out.
Helena Bertinelli: What?
Barbara Gordon: The Clocktower is sealed up tighter than Batman’s emotions. Ted retro-engineered something of Poison Ivy’s and now we’re living out Sleeping Beauty.
Cassandra Cain: *thinks back on fairy tales she has on audio tapes* Briar…roses?
Barbara Gordon: *points to the window - not out, as nothing can be seen* Briars, at least; there might be roses…somewhere…out there.
Helena Bertinelli: Where we can’t get. *glowers*
Dinah Lance: *over comm* Don’t worry, girls, I’ll have you out in…well, before the song’s over!
Stephanie Brown: *brightly* So, anyone up for charades?
Cassandra Cain: *nods emphatically* I rule at charades!
Babs & Helena: *sigh*
On Stage
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catman: Maybe one of us should go after the kid.
Catwoman: ‘One of us’?
Catman: The other one needs ta take care of that robot before it runs amuck.
Catwoman: -_- Point. I’ll do it.
Catman: *pulls out a knife from his boot, and other bits of various weaponry from his person* And I’ll get to it. *grimly eyes large robo-spider*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Donna Troy: *squints* Diana, when did you get a tattoo?
Diana: … *not willing to try and explain* I…didn’t. *Gods, she doesn’t even know how Booster and Beetle managed to put a rendering of the Golden Gate Bridge on her breasts in henna*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batcave
Batman: O.O *small voice* My car…
Nightwing: *unable to help himself as he stares at the now Barbie-pink Batmobile* BWA-HA-HA-HA! *rolls around on cave floor*
On Stage
On the fifth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: *scowls as she reads the damage report* Everyone from R&D is hogtied to tables in the cafeteria, and all of them are sporting multi-colored mohawks. *gnashes teeth* This. Means. War. *slams fist down on table, disrupting the sleep of one of the zoo full of kittens currently occupying her office*
Professor Hamilton: *cowering in corner* I could get someone to round these animals up and take them down to the testing lab.
Amanda Waller: *growls* Do it. *shifts, expression going blank* But first…get maintenance up here.
Professor Hamilton: Ma’am?
Amanda Waller: *stony glare to rival Batman’s* I appear to be superglued to my chair.
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon: Uh…the Tower of Pisa? *scratches head*
Stephanie Brown: *after exchanging whispers with Cass* London Bridge is falling down!
Helena Bertinelli: *sighs and slumps* Correct.
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Backstage
Catwoman: *grits teeth and continues cajoling the girl in the ridiculously yellow costume* C’mon, sweetie, Catman’s dismantled the robot spider. Everything’s safe…
Catgirl: *cringes* Are you sure?
Catwoman: *miffed* Of course I’m sure; I’m Catwoman.
Catgirl: *sighs and crawls out from the trap door in the stage* And I’ll bet you’re never scared of anything, either.
Catwoman: Well, not much. *the hero gig is getting to her and she feels compelled to tell the truth* But then, I never played sidekick for Batman, so you have something going for you there.
Catgirl: *perks up* You really think so?
Catwoman: Yes. *she has to slightly respect anyone who managed to deal with the Bat for umpteen years. Gotham knows it was never easy for her*
On Stage
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *muttering* Rassle-frassen-rassa… By Hera, I’ve been scrubbing at these blasted marks for an hour, and they’re only just starting to come off! *starts pouring second bottle of soap on loofah*
Donna Troy: *hanging around outside of the bathroom* Did you fall in, Di?
Diana: *grumbles* *steams* NO!
Donna Troy: *chuckles*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman: *muttering* Rassle-frassen-rassa… When I get my hands on those two, they’re going to regret ever having laid one hand on my car…
Tim Drake: *huffs* He should just give up; that’s Ted’s patented unremovable ink; it ain’t going nowhere. *goes back to mad scientisty things and planning Ted and Booster’s payback*
On the sixth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On six crawling spiders…
Peter Parker AKA Spiderman: Y’know, I could handle having my uniform colors changed to Pepto-Bismol pink and blue, but exchanging my web fluid for epoxy was just mean. *struggles futilely in accidentally self-made web*
Ben Riley AKA Spider-Man: Word. *uses blowtorch to cut the strands* *it’s very slow going* *especially as he has his gloves and boots, but except for his underwear, nothing else* And I resent being shoved into the same category as her.
Jessica Drew AKA Spider-Woman: *currently wearing an ‘I’m With Stupid’ T-shirt and a red Speedo* No kidding. *crosses arms over chest and glares across the roof* Why couldn’t they have brought in Arachne? Or Araña?
Catalina Flores AKA Tarantula II: *not at all discomfited by wearing only purple lace lingerie* *she does, after all, have her weapons* Hmmph! You’re just jealous that I’m the only one who is the other kind of arachnid. You’re all repeats.
John Law AKA Tarantula I: *glowers at both Catalina Flores and his own current garb of Spider-Woman’s costume* You stole that name from me, little girl. At least they’re not supervillians…
Tarantula II: Hmph!
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: *drumming fingers impatiently on table* When is maintenance going to get here, Emil?
Professor Hamilton: *gulps* Er…as soon as they get the elevators working again, I believe they said?
Amanda Waller: *glares* Is there some reason they can’t take the stairs? I take the stairs everyday.
Professor Hamilton: *wisely doesn’t ask how come she’s still severely overweight* I believe someone mentioned something about the cuttings of Poison Ivy’s pueraria lobata from that time she tried to take over Kauai, and an…infestation in the stairwells. *sweatdrops* They’ve contained it, but no one’s getting to use the stairs in the meantime, because they’re all clogged with vines.
Amanda Waller: *steams* *ignores kitten chasing her still-drumming fingers*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Cassandra Cain: *looking at Helena, who is doing her best to act out snow, lamppost, and a faun* Narnia.
Helena Bertinelli: *drops into seat* This is so unfair…
Barbara Gordon: *sighs* That’s correct.
Stephanie Brown: *smug, because she made sure Cass was on her team* My turn!
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *eyes widen* You had a son with Cheshire? Are you nuts? *eyes narrow speculatively*
Catman: You had a daughter with Batman!
Catwoman: *huffs, miffed* *wishes she were with Helena now* Yeah, but at least he tries to be a good dad. Cheshire is crazier than her namesake.
Catman: *shrugs, because he has to concede that point* Yeah, but she’s great in the sack. *leers*
Catwoman: *groans* I so did not need to hear that… *goes off to look for better company*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *dressed once more in a comfortable toga, and no longer adorned with any art* Hmm, now what? *yawns* Maybe I’ll rest a bit before tracking those two…down. *falls into bed, not even noticing the strangely sweet smell in the air*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batcave
Batman: -_- Why am I female? *eyes suspiciously (first) Batgirl-like uniform, complete with yellow accents*
Tim Drake: *shrugs* Probably for the same reason I am. *crosses arms under his cape over his breasts* *pointedly ignores the little skirt he’s wearing, with the short pants*
Batman: I only recall one story where I ended up a woman…and you weren’t the Robin in that story. *sighs*
Tim Drake: *remembers series where he was Janet Haywood* *shudders at the possibilities* Yes, well…
Batman: *quirks questioning brow*
Tim Drake: I’m going to go find Kon. *skedaddles*
Elsewhere
Red Hood: *growls* I don’t how this happened, but I know it’s Bruce’s fault. *crosses arms over DD chest and scowls*
On Stage
On the seventh day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On seven sneaky ninjas…
Lady Shiva: *growls* Who would dare to prank me?
Shado: *glares* The same people who dared to prank me, no doubt.
Richard Dragon: *has decided that discretion is definitely the better part of valor and is hiding wandering around backstage* I wonder if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are around here somewhere…
Dinah Lance: *over comm., since she’s still trying to Canary Cry through the foliage surrounding the Clocktower* There’s only so many cameos the Writer can use, so I don’t know… *it’s slow going, and she’s gotten hit by more barbs than when she spars with Oracle*
Sakura Haruno: *explodes* NARUTO!
Sasuke Uchiha: >.< Deadlast… *readies kunai*
Naruto Uzumaki: *backs up fearfully* It wasn’t me!!!! *shows off his own neon purple striped hair to prove his innocence - in this one matter* *the purple clashes awfully with his usual orange jumpsuit and his now-green spotted skin*
Sakura Haruno: *deflates* *sighs* Okay, maybe it wasn’t your fault… *eyes pink skin with distaste* *with her hair, it’s way too much*
Sasuke Uchiha: Unless he pissed someone off… *glares through own neon blue hair, skin tie-dyed sickly shade of purple*
Naruto Uzumaki: I piss everyone off, and barely anyone’s retaliated before. Besides, why would they target you? *huffs*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon: I finally got the JLA transporter hooked up.
Helena Bertinelli: Yay, we’re saved!
Barbara Gordon: *sighs* Not entirely. I can only bring stuff in, not move stuff out.
Helena Bertinelli: *deflates* Wonderful…
Stephanie Brown: Could you bring in some of that spiced apple cider the stage crew is drinking? I tried to make cocoa, but it didn’t work very well… *blushes, gestures to smoking wreck of kitchen*
Cassandra Cain: Please. *nods frantically* Before she tries to cook again.
Stephanie Brown: *crosses arms over chest, huffs*
Barbara Gordon: *sighs* I’ll get right on it, girls…
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *runs finger down Batman’s chest* You’re not afraid of little old me…are you, my Dark Knight?
Batman: Um… *gulps* *very aware that Catwoman has stolen all of his clothes aside from his current attire of a black silk robe and the…costume…Beetle and Booster put him in* No, Kitten, I’m not afraid of you. *is very glad she didn’t show up a verse or two ago*
Catwoman: *naughty grin* Good. *pounces*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *woke up to find a mustache drawn on her face in ink just as hard to remove as the tattoo on her breasts* *is standing in front of bathroom mirror and continues second hour of scrubbing* When I get back to my room, there had better not be some sort of vermin or insects in my underwear drawer…
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Tim Drake: *grins maniacally* Eureka! I’ve finally found the formula to turn their pranks back on them.
Kon-El: All of them? *interested*
Tim Drake: No, just this…last…one. *scratches head and mutters under breath* I think…
Kon-El: *pictures Booster Gold as a woman and also grins* Dude, that’s… *snickers*
Tim Drake: Also, Ralph Dibny finally got tired of helping them hide and so they should be easier to find.
Kon-El: *grin widens*
Backstage
Booster Gold: *blinks* Ted, you’re looking awfully…feminine.
Blue Beetle *eyes now female form* *sighs* Oh, well, it had to happen sooner or later… Hmm… *proceeds to poke and prod newly-curved form*
Booster Gold: *covertly eyes Ted’s rather amazing rack* Do you think it’s going to happen to me?
Blue Beetle: *shrugs, causing breasts to shift erotically* Who knows? Certainly not me.
On the eighth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On eight crazy robots…
Backstage
L-Ron: I am not crazy.
J-Lo: Sometimes I think I am… *thinks about ‘relationship’ with Manga Khan and cringes*
Red Tornado: *grimaces as well as he is able - his face is not constructed to show much expression* I am an android, not a robot.
Skeets: Hmmph! We all are, just some people - like the Writer - can’t figure out the difference.
The Vision II: *ponders* It’s simple: androids have sentience, right? Robots are controlled by someone else.
Maxwell Lord IV: *wonders why he’s there, since he’s only a cyborg - and where is Cyborg, anyway?* We’re all controlled by someone else - the Writer.
Red Tornado: *sighs* Point.
L-Ron, J-Lo & Skeets: -_- We cannot disagree.
The Vision II: *wonders if his predecessor ever felt like this* I’m going to go find Cassie and the rest of the Young Avengers… I think I need ‘cheering up.’
On Stage
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Sakura Haruno: Sasuke-kun, where’s Naruto?
Sasuke Uchiha: *shrugs* All I care is that he’s not here.
Sakura Haruno: …
Sasuke: *eyes narrow* …
Sakura & Sasuke: *voices filled with dread* It’s too quiet.
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
Peter Parker: *sighs* I can’t wait for this song to be over. I haven’t seen Mary Jane in forever. *leans back against wall he’s sticking to, thirty-three stories above ground*
Ben Riley: *pouts, also leans back, and crosses arms over chest* At least you have a wife. I’m still single.
Spiderwoman: *hides grin, puts on mock-sad expression* So am I… *creeps across the wall, coming closer*
Ben Riley: Oh? *interested*
Peter Parker: *crawls away, leaving the two…lovebugs…alone*
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: Finally! *glares as maintenance men enter office* What kept you?
Maintenance Man #1: *tugs collar away from neck* Er…we hadta wash our tools, ma’am.
Amanda Waller: *eyes them* Why? I would presume you keep them in proper working order at all times.
Maintenance Man #2: We do, ma’am, but, uh, someone dumped molasses all over ‘em. *cringes* Sorry it took so long.
Amanda Waller: *growls* Well, you’re here now, so get to work! *pounds fist on table; ignores plaintive meows from formerly sleeping cats*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: I’m feeling more sad than anything.
Barbara Gordon: *squints* Why? *wonders about the possibility of mood-altering drugs being released into the air of the Clocktower*
Helena Bertinelli: *grumbles* I could be out kicking ass or getting laid right now.
Stephanie Brown: *sighs* I know what you mean.
Cassandra Cain: Could bring Tim here.
Stephanie Brown: *snorts* Uh-huh. Suuuurre…
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catgirl: Booster and Beetle are gonna be scared once I got a hold of ‘em! *shakes fist towards backstage area*
Catman: *chews on cigar* Oooh, I’m shaking in my boots.
Catwoman: *slaps him with her whip* Knock it off. You haven’t done anything to them.
Catman: *affronted, shrugs*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Donna: *knocks on Diana’s door* Di, are you okay?
Diana: I’m fine. *finishes tucking in sheets*
Donna: Why were you changing the sheets?
Diana: Booster and Beetle short-sheeted my bed. *grimly* And they left a bunch of worms inside the pillowcases.
Donna: *appalled at the juvenile tactics, but also strangely amused* Um, Di…are you aware that you have a mustache?
Diana: O.O *runs into bathroom* YAARGH!
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Tim Drake: Maybe if I figure out the formula for Ted Kord’s disappearing-reappearing ink, I can make enough money to fund a team of operatives whose sole purpose is playing pranks against team Blue and Gold to get back at them! *is not slightly manic from drinking an entire case of Jolt cola and having had no sleep for almost forty-eight hours while trying to plan the perfect revenge* *no, really*
Kon-El: *sighs* Why couldn’t he invent sex pollen?
Backstage
Blue Beetle: *chuckles* Booster, you look ridiculous.
Booster Gold: Why, what happened?
Blue Beetle: Someone *snicker* dyed your hair and gave you a *snerk* mustache.
Booster Gold: And that makes me look ridiculous? *paws through various props looking for something mirror-like*
Blue Beetle: Not, but the fact that your hair and ‘mustache’ are black, and your eyebrows are still blond, does. *grins goofily, not knowing that he now has a rather artistic rendition of an (anatomically correct) insect-like blue alien on his back*
On Stage
On the ninth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On nine happy ghosts…
Director: *stops banging head against the wall for long enough to ask* Happy?
Pre-Crisis Jason Todd: *grins* To not be dead!
Stephanie Brown: At least for as long as it takes to finish this song.
Post-Crisis Jason Todd: *eyes his double* I think I might have preferred oblivion… *eyes Stephanie* And hey, you’ve been around since verse four!
Stephanie Brown: *shrugs* Maybe the Writer just likes me better.
Pre-Crisis Jason Todd: *pouts* Aw, fudge!
Post-Crisis Jason Todd: *cringes* *resolves to teach the kid to swear properly*
Director: *groans* I need a drink…
Tora Olafsdotter: *blinks wide, innocent eyes* Why would he prefer oblivion? It’s great to be back; Hell was so…hellish.
Guy Gardner: *sees her from across the room and runs to her* Icey! *wraps her up in a bear hug*
Tora Olafsdotter: Oh, Guy… *giggles, hugs back* It’s good to see you, too.
Beatriz DeCosta: *sighs as she watches the two mismatched lovebirds* Oh, what the hell… *gives in and goes to hug them both*
Stephanie Brown and Post-Crisis Jason Todd: Ick.
Pre-Crisis Jason Todd: Aww… ♥
Sue Dibny: They have a point, though. *hugs Ralph* You’ll always be a ten to me, honey…
Ralph Dibny: Back atcha, sweetheart. *kisses*
Backstage
Booster Gold: *giggles*
Blue Beetle: *sighs* Now what?
Booster Gold: You…your hair! BWA-HA-HA!
Blue Beetle: *swipes the silver shield Booster had been using as a mirror* O.O Why do I have a mullet?
Booster Gold: *squints at Blue’s partially revealed back in his newly too-large uniform of a giant blue M&M costume* Why do you have a tattoo on your back?
On Stage
Narrator: …eight crazy androids…
Director: *drinking down his fifth fifth of Jack Daniel’s in as many minutes* No, sorry, but I don’t think I need an *hic* assistant.
J-Lo: Are you sure? *pleadingly* I have much experience working with…temperamental…entities.
Director: I’m not temper-mental…I’m just plain nuts. *slugs down a gin and vodka*
J-Lo: Perhaps I could create for you some medication to resolve that? *it had never worked for Manga Khan, but one could hope…*
Director: What, and be happy that I have to work with theshe lunatics? *gestures around him with his rum and Coke, minus the Coke*
J-Lo: *does robot version of blink* Point. Do you know if there’s any rocket fuel around here? *mutters under breath* It’s the only way for a metal person to become inebriated.
Director: *waves blearily backstage* I think the Bug’s parked outback somewhere, and there’s this sen-shient ship called Moya on top of the building, but I think it’s camoflazghed. *having drained final glass, yells* Hey, 1812! *hic* Could I get shome more booze, please?
1812: *does DRD version of sigh and trundles towards the stage with a gallon jug of whiskey*
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Sakura Haruno: *glares, hands on hips* Naruto, where were you last verse?
Naruto Uzumaki: I was teaching Batman the Sexy no jutsu.
Sakura Haruno: @.@
Sasuke Uchiha: …Why?
Naruto Uzumaki: Let’s just say that the pranks played on us could have been worse than just color clashes.
Sakura & Sasuke: -_-
Backstage
Lady Shiva: *eyes currently male form* The second thing I’m going to do is track down those two troublemakers and make them pay.
Cheshire: What’s the first thing? *very glad she doesn’t look anything like her ex-lover - either of them* *perks up as she wonders how hard it would be to get to see either of her kids like this*
Lady Shiva: *voice flat* I need a new name. What do you think of ‘Lord Shakti’?
On Stage
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
May Parker: *squeals* Daddy! *flings herself at Peter*
Peter Parker: Um…help? *completely bemused, bothered, and bewildered by her appearance, yet regardless, cuddles toddler close as he glances at his clone*
Ben Riley: *also confused, but this time it’s good to be the clone* I think she’s from an alternate future.
Peter Parker: Ah. *scratches head with robotic arm, as it’s the only one that’s free* Well, at least Mary Jane won’t be able to complain about pregnancy this way.
Ben Riley: No dirty diapers, either.
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: *glares at maintenance men as she hefts herself up from her desk* Did you have to cut my clothes off to remove me from my chair?
Professor Hamilton: *holding back a retch - he never ever wanted to know that his boss shopped Victoria’s Secret* Yes, did you?
Amanda Waller: *turns around, causing Maintenance Man #2 to faint and glares at him* What. Did. You. Say?
Professor Hamilton: *gulps*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon: *wheels back from transporter with lapful of boxes* Who wants pizza? I have pepperoni, supreme, vegetarian, cheese, and Hawaiian.
Helena Bertinelli: *suspiciously* Are you sure they aren’t poisoned?
Barbara Gordon: Dinah sent them; they’re safe. She also sent ice cream for dessert, but all she could get her hands on was raisin ripple.
Helena Bertinelli: *shrugs* Good enough for me.
Stephanie Brown: *grabs the pepperoni and starts eating with gusto* Okay, but if my tongue turns black from eating this, I’m going to say ‘I told you so.’
Cassandra Cain: *scowls and chomps on cheese slice* My tongue turn black, I turn Booster and Beetle black and blue.
Dinah: *listening over comm* You said it, honey. *snickers*
Backstage
Booster Gold: *snickers*
Blue Beetle: *drinking apple cider* What’s so funny, Booster?
Booster Gold: My hair may be black, but your tongue… BWA-HA-HA!
Blue Beetle: *picks up shield, sticks out tongue* *blinks* *deadpans* My tongue is blue.
Booster Gold: *snickers*
On Stage
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *bursts out laughing*
Batman: -_- It was your idea.
Catwoman: *between laughs* Y-yes, it was, but…*sporfle*…red really isn’t your color.
Batman: Indeed. *discreetly shifts self underneath scarlet satin dental floss that passes for women’s underwear*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *looks around disaster area that is her quarters on the Watchtower* *sighs, gets to work*
Backstage
Blue Beetle: *snickers*
Booster Gold: :-{ *looks in mirror-shield, sticks out tongue* There’s nozhing wrong wiff my tongue.
Blue Beetle: *snickering grows louder* Ah, Booster, busty - I mean, buddy - it’s not your tongue.
Booster Gold: *feeling of dread grows as he catches Ted’s verbal faux pas* *lowers eyes to look at chest* Oh…crap.
Blue Beetle: Payback is sweet. *starts laughing uproariously, as Booster did when he was the one to get turned into a woman*
On Stage
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Tim Drake: *currently wearing first Batgirl’s uniform* Oh, goody… I remember this AU. *grimaces*
Jason Todd: *in regular Robin suit - how unfair!* *leers* So do I, BG.
Tim Drake: *gulps* *remembers how to act like a girl - a Batgirl* You have to catch me first, Robbie! *skips off*
Jason Todd: *grins, gives chase*
On the tenth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On ten angry witches…
Zatanna Zatara: *wails* I look terrible in this!
Jason Blood: You wear fishnets and a leotard on a regular basis; this isn’t really much different. *smirks* At least you have the legs for it.
Doctor Fate: *trying in vain to conjure up his cape to hide behind* *thankful he at least still has his helmet, even if it does look weird* At least you are the correct gender for your raiment.
Zachary Zatara: *scowls* Indeed. *stamps one slippered foot* And since when am I a witch? I was under the impression I was a magician…
Doctor Strange: *wishes he had a helmet* I just hope none of those reporters gets a picture of me like this…
Wanda Maximoff: *wistfully* I always wanted one of these when I was a little girl…
Backstage
Jinx: *is very glad that her own garb is black and purple, her favored colors* Instead of being the Scarlet Witch, now I suppose she could be the Pale Pink Ballerina. All I wanna know is: Why tutus?
Raven: *blinks and eyes self* What I want to know is why you and I are our animated counterparts? *glares disdainfully at the poofy skirt around her normal blue leotard instead of her typical cloak*
Jinx: *shrugs* Who cares? I’m just happy to have hair. *pats her bright pink ponytails*
Raven: Point. *looks across room* I’m too happy about being lumped into the same category as him, however.
Mumbo Jumbo: *currently garbed in a rather sickly orange tutu* *thankfully it includes opaque tights* Ack! This ensemble clashes horribly with my magic hat! *and his aqua-colored skin, too*
On Stage
Director: *whimpers* *he’s sober now, unfortunately* Tell me we’re not going to have to revise the script for this verse.
Narrator: *under breath, so as not to disturb the flow of the show* What do you mean we, round-eye? I’m the one that has to adlib. And I’ve already had to alter verse eight.
Director: *whimpers* Yeah, but I’m the one that gets blamed if you don’t do a good job.
Narrator: *rolls eyes and scoffs* I need to get back to singing, now…
Director: *waves hand uselessly*
Narrator: *sighs, rolls eyes* …nine happy ghosts…
Michelle Carter: Mikey! It’s great to see you again!
Booster Gold: *brightens* Shel! *wraps up in hug* Man, sis, it’s great to see you. *grins*
Michelle Carter: *hugs back* It’s good to see you, too bro. *pulls back* So, who’s this?
Blue Beetle: I’m the Blue Beetle, also known as Ted Kord, and I am delighted to meet you. *takes hand, kisses back*
Booster Gold: *steams as Michelle giggles*
Narrator: …eight crazy androids…
1812: *moves quickly across the floor*
Molly Hayes: Hey, come back! *runs after the DRD* Aww…
Victor Mancha: Molly, I don’t think the…thing…wants to let you spray paint it pink and purple.
Molly Hayes: *pouts* But it would look so cute.
Victor Mancha: I don’t think it thinks so.
Molly Hayes: *perks up* I could paint you. Gert’s got some purple nail polish. *grins*
Victor Mancha: *cringes, tries to think of way to dissuade Molly* *fails* Uh…okay. *sighs* *he is so whipped*
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Naruto Uzumaki: Well, as long we’re here, we might as well…
Sasuke Uchiha: You might as well, deadlast. I don’t play pranks.
Sakura Haruno: *wonders if there’s anyone around who got their hair dyed pink* Do whatever you want, but leave me out of it. *goes off to try and find someone to trade hair tips with*
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
Peter Parker: *sings* The itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the water spout… *makes appropriate hand gestures*
May Parker: *joins in* Down came da rain, and washed da spider out! *giggles*
Ben Riley: *sighs, gives into the madness - she is his niece, of a sort, right?* Out came the sun, and dried off all the rain…
Peter & May: And the itsy-bitsy Spider-Girl took Hydroman off to jail! *laugh*
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: Are you sure this was the only thing available in the Lost and Found?
Professor Hamilton: *gulps* I’m…afraid so, ma’am. Nothing else was in your…size.
Amanda Waller: *glowers and folders feathered arms over equally-feathered chest* When I get my hands on those two… A chicken suit! The indignity of it all.
Professor Hamilton: *doesn’t dare to laugh, but really really wants to* Yes, indeed, the…indignity of it.
Random Kitten on the Floor: Mew! *purrs* *rubs up against Waller’s fluffy leg*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: *thoughtfully* Are you sure we can’t transport anything out of here?
Barbara Gordon: *eyes narrow* Anything? Well, something really really small, maybe, but certainly none of us… Why, what did you have in mind, Helena?
Helena Bertinelli: *smirks* Payback.
Stephanie & Cassandra: Ooooohhh… *intrigued*
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catman: Ya got any eights?
Catgirl: Go fish!
Backstage
Booster Gold: They might not be scared, but I sure am.
Blue Beetle: Really? Why?
Booster Gold: *scratches discreetly at ass* Because I just know that somehow, someway, someone has found a way to teleport itching powder into my jockstrap.
Blue Beetle: *caught between cringing and laughing* *feels burning sensation below own waist and decides to go with the former* Ooooh… *pained whimper* *starts stripping and scratching simultaneously*
On Stage
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: Finally! *sighs in relief, flops onto couch* It took me a whole verse, but everything’s finally clean.
Donna Troy: Don’t jinx yourself, Di.
Diana: *muzzy from exhaustion* No, Jinx is in the tenth verse.
Donna Troy: *smirks* Goodnight, sis. *grabs blanket, tucks Diana in*
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman & Robin: *now wearing uniforms that are canary yellow on hot pink* -_-
On the eleventh day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: Eleven shifting shapeshifters…
Gar Logan: Booyah! The Beast Boy is in the house! *does Tam Lin impression, save the burning coal, ending with a plethora of alien fauna, topped off with a peacock*
Vic Stone: *scratches chin* Why is he acting like my animated counterpart?
Metamorpho: Who knows? I think I’m the animated version, too.
Shift: I’m not.
Metamorpho: You don’t exist in the animated continuity.
Shift: *does Looney Tunes-like raspberry with his ‘tongue’* You’re just upset because people like Outsiders better than the JLU.
Metamorpho: Damn. You’re right. *melts into colorless sludge reminiscent of the Doldrums from The Phantom Tollbooth*
Plastic Man: What is that peeping sound? *scratches head with elongated finger*
J’onn J’onnz: *sighs* That would be…the ducklings.
10 Ducklings: Peep! *huddle around J’onn*
Plastic Man: O.O BWA-HA-HA-HA!
Backstage
Chameleon: Finally! Someone remembered that I exist! *dances eerily like Beast Boy, only with people*
Brainiac 5: *dryly* Occasionally I find myself wondering why you do exist - since it appears your only function is to annoy me.
Chameleon: Hey! *glares, orange antennae quivering with rage*
Lyle Norg: Don’t mind him, Cham; he’s just nassed because Nura’s not here right now.
Chameleon: Where is she?
Lyle Norg: Off talking magic with the Scarlet Witch.
Chameleon: *grumbles, but nevertheless stomps away once noticing the all-too-sulky look on Querl’s face*
On Stage
Narrator: …ten angry mages…
Raven: I wonder where Omen is?
Jinx: *shrugs* Probably with the group from verse nine.
Rave: But she is a mystic…
Jinx: Yeah, but in current continuity, she’s also dead.
Doctor Fate: I wonder where the Question is?
Doctor Strange: I didn’t think he was a mystic?
Doctor Fate: He has this whole shamanism thing going on… *shrugs*
Zatana Zatara: He also has this whole ‘hatred of publicity’ thing going on.
Zachary Zatara: Really? Sounds worse than Batman.
Zatana Zatara: Most definitely - in that one way. *sighs*
Narrator: …nine happy ghosts…
Hal Jordon, AKA The Spectre: … Man, it’s boring here in Heaven now that everyone I know is back on Earth. Maybe I should join the party…
Narrator: …eight crazy androids…
Victor Mancha: *folds arms across chest* I resent being called crazy.
The Vision II: I would have thought that you’d resent being called an android.
Victor Mancha: *sighs, scuffs toe* Yeah, well I’m not sure if you could technically call me a cyborg…
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Sakura Haruno: I still don’t think it’s a good idea. What if we get caught?
Naruto Uzumaki: We’re ninjas, Sakura-chan; of course they won’t be able to catch us.
Sasuke Uchiha: … I hate to admit it, but the dobe has a point.
Sakura Haruno: *sighs* All right; I’ll help you steal a cutting of those mutant vines.
Naruto Uzumaki: *pumps fist* YES!
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
Peter Parker: Whoa! *grabs May and backs off from rapidly growing…beanstalk?* What’s this?
May Parker: Cool! *burbles and reaches out for a passing flower* Pretty!
Ben Riley: *breaks away from clench with Spider-Woman* I think I heard about something like this happening to the Birds of Prey over in DC.
Spider-Woman: Hmmph! Why are they preying on us?
Peter Parker: *wrestling flower away from pouting child* Sorry, honey, but you don’t know where that’s been.
Naruto Uzumaki: Eh-heh. *sweatdrops* Sorry, guys, didn’t realize that the whole ‘add water’ thing counted with sewer sludge, and when I dropped the seed, it…*gestures to vine*…bloomed.
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Professor Hamilton: *musingly* I’m really quite surprised that things were so low-key.
Amanda Waller: *now dressed as a giant red M&M instead of a yellow chicken* Low-key?
Professor Hamilton: *blanches* Well, for certain degrees of ‘low-key.’ There were runway plants, mechanical spiders, and practical jokes instead of ‘Things That Man Was Not Meant To Know.’ Sure, there were some ghosts, but that’s old hat. There weren’t any werewolves, or…or vampires!
Spike AKA William the Bloody: *sticks cigarette in mouth* Hey, mate. Got a light?
Oz AKA Daniel Osbourne: Sure. *shrugs laconically and offers lighter*
Spike: Where’s Red?
Oz: With the other witches.
Spike: *nods*
Amanda Waller: *sighs* You just had to say something, Emil, didn’t you?
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Dinah: *finishes screaming her way through the thorns* *flips dramatically through the skylight and poses* I’m here!
Barbara, Cassandra, Helena & Stephanie: What took you so long?!
Dinah: *slumps*
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Red Hood: So, how’re things going in your neck of the woods? *casually sharpens knife*
Catgirl: *shrugs, checks wheels on rollerskates* Not much now that I’m not Robin.
Red Hood: *sighs* Yeah, I hear ya.
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *awakens* *yawns, stretches* I wonder how much time I have left to find Booster and Beetle? *looks at clock* Great Hera! One verse?
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman: >.< Why is the Cave rainbow colored?
Tim Drake: *deadpan* That would be the silly string.
Batman: -_-
On the twelfth day of Halloween, Booster and Beetle played a prank…
Narrator: On twelve marauding monsters…
Bruce Banner: *glares* Hey! I’m not even hulked out right now!
Benjamin Grim: Who ya callin’ a monster, lady? *grits orange rock-like teeth* An’ I never ‘maraud’; I clobber!
Director: *shushes them* hey, we’re almost through with a farce of a *chokes* performance. Let her finish and then we can all get out of here.
Bruce & Ben: -_- All right.
Director: *waves at the Narrator* Go on!
Narrator: *smiles brightly at the ‘monsters’*…eleven shifting shapeshifters…
Gar Logan: Man, I wish she’d smile at me like that.
Chameleon: Me too.
Ralph Dibny: Word has it she likes cats.
Gar Logan: *immediately turns into most adorable little green kitten ever seen - on the animated show* *prances over to Narrator* Mew! *rubs against legs*
Narrator: *melts* *cuddles Gar-kitten* …ten angry magic-users…
Chameleon: *steams* I know I’m angry.
Dream Girl: Couldn’t you turn into a cat?
Chameleon: Yes, but I refuse to be a…a copy-cat!
Lyle Norg: *snickers*
Narrator: …nine happy ghosts…
Sue & Tora: *dance together, giggling like schoolgirls*
Beatriz DeCosta: *sighs with a grin, and joins them*
Guy Gardner: We got some great girls, don’t we, stretchy?
Ralph Dibny: *wipes tear from eye* Yeah, Guy, we sure do.
Narrator: …eight insane androids…
L-Ron: Insane isn’t much better than crazy, you know.
Director: *sighs, buries head in hands*
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Backstage
Nightwing: Any reason why you’re hiding backstage?
Richard Dragon: *wryly* Shiva, Shado and Cheshire hooked up with Elektra, and, surprisingly, Tarantula, and are having a…well, for lack of a better term, a lady’s lunch. I don’t want to be anywhere near them when they start discussing past lovers.
Nightwing: *blanches* I…need to go find Roy. And Ollie. And…warn a whole lot of other people, too. *runs, does not walk, away*
On Stage
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
May Parker: *yawns* I’m sleepy, Daddy. C’n we go home yet?
Peter Parker: *grins, cuddles child closer* Soon, sweetie; just a little while longer.
May Parker: Mm-kay. *nods off*
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Amanda Waller: *sighs, gives in* All right, fine. You can come home with me.
Kitten: *small, black, and very tenacious, she has been following Amanda around all day* Mew! *happy kitty grin* *carefully climbs up into Amanda’s voluminous purse, tucking herself in between the mace and the taser* *purrs*
Professor Hamilton: *pointedly does not say anything* *secretly pockets cute little marmalade-striped cat who has demonstrated love of cheese doodles*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon: Dammit!
Dinah Lance: What?
Barbara Gordon; Aside from the itching powder, we missed out on getting to prank Ted and Booster back! *growls, grinds teeth*
Helena Bertinneli: What I’m mad about is that we didn’t get to see what Batman looked like in Catwoman’s lingerie. *sniffs*
Stephanie & Cassandra: O.o
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *purrs* Feeling scared, lover? *strokes him, curls around naked form*
Batman: *shakes head wearily, cuddles closer* Nope.
Helena Kyle: *cries*
Batman: *cringes at shrill sound* *realizes with dread that he’s a Dad - and has no clue what to do with a baby* On second thought…
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *growls, gnashes teeth* Where are they? I will have my revenge!
Demona: No, human, you won’t. *sighs* Not as long as men like Goliath and Batman are favored by fortune.
Narrator: …and Batman and Robin!
Batman: *blinks* I don’t believe it.
Tim Drake: *grimly* Believe it.
Batman: They put sugar in the gas tank. Of the Batmobile.
Tim Drake: *shrugs defeatedly* At least we have spares.
On the thirteenth day of Halloween…
Sex-Sated Outsiders: Huh?!
Director: *shrugs* It is in the title. *adds under breath* And they are generally considered bad luck… *pointedly does not specify which ‘they’*
Narrator: *glares until all assembled are cowed into submission*
On the thirteenth day of Halloween Booster Gold and Blue Beetle…laughed at all the pranks that had been played:
Narrator: Thirteen jokes played on themselves…
Booster Gold: Really? Thirteen?
Blue Beetle: Hmm, let’s see…. *starts counting on fingers* I got turned into a woman, and I got a mullet, and you got that dye-and-mustache thing…
Booster Gold: That’s three; what are the other ten?
Blue Beetle: *affronted* Well, you could help me, you know.
Booster Gold: *sighs* Does keeping us on the run for the whole song count?
Blue Beetle: Probably.
Narrator: …twelve marauding monsters…
Benjamin Grimm: Last verse, right?
Director: *nods, almost weeps from thankfulness* And then we can all get out of here!
Bruce Banner: *backs away from manic gleam in the Director’s eyes* Uh, Ben?
Benjamin Grimm: *also retreats* Yeah, Bruce?
Bruce Banner: You wanna try and join in that card game that Catgirl and Red Hood got going, maybe get them to switch to poker?
Benjamin Grimm: *already on his way backstage* Sounds good.
Narrator: …eleven shifting shapeshifters…
Victor Stone: Hey, where is J’onn J’onnz?
Beast Boy: *currently in mallard form* I heard he was dealing with an influx of ducklings. Qvack, qvack.
Victor Stone: Ducklings? *blinks eyes*
Beast Boy: Yeah, there was that one story where Ted accidentally ended up getting ten ducklings imprinting on J’onn as their mother, and that was the prank played on him last verse. He’s been hiding from everyone ever since.
In The Wings
J’onn J’onnz: *eyes trail of ducklings marching behind him* *sighs* All right, children, I believe there is a pool on the roof…
Backstage
Booster Gold: So us forced to be on the run, plus when I got turned into a woman, makes five, right?
Blue Beetle: *dryly* Congratulations, Boost, you’ve mastered simple addition.
Booster Gold: *raspberries him* Oh, shut up.
Blue Beetle: *innocent* But Booster-buddy, how am I supposed to count if I don’t talk?
Booster Gold: *steams*
On Stage
Narrator: …ten angry non-science users…
Brainiac 5: Science is the epitome of everything in the universe. Everything and everyone uses science. Even magic-users.
Dream Girl: Oh, Querl… *kisses cheek* Romance has its place, too.
Brainaic 5: *blushes* A chemical reaction caused by biology…chemistry, biology… *sighs, gives up on being coherent, kisses back*
Booster Gold: *arms crossed over chest, scowls* If green guy can get a girl, why can’t I?
Blue beetle: Without resorting to a fake marriage for money? *drolly* It’s probably because he’s not an idiot.
Booster Gold: *steams* You’re one to talk; I’m not the one that mistook Ivy’s pheromones for liquid soap.
Blue Beetle: *blushes as he recalls hitting on every breathing being nearby for the entirety of the seventh verse* You were in that one fic…
Narrator: …eight wacky androids…
Skeets: Wacky, adjective, typically used in regards to hijinks. Hmm… *ponders* I suppose that will do.
The Vision II: Hijinks? Like pranks and/or practical jokes?
Victor Mancha: Si, man.
The Vision II: *smirks* Oh, Tommy…
Narrator: …seven sneaky ninjas…
Sakura Haruno: Where’s Naruto? We’re leaving in less than a verse!
Sasuke Uchicha: He’s gone out drinking with some blue woman named Chiara. He said someone called Moya would give him a ride back to Konoha.
Sakura Haruno: *worriedly nibbles fingernails* I hope we all make it back in one piece.
Sasuke Uchiha: *will never admit he feels the same anxiousness* *instead, checks over his weapons cache*
Narrator: …six crawling spiders…
Skeets: That, plus my current…predicament…makes seven practical jokes.
Blue Beetle: *blinks* Skeets! You’re…blue.
Booster Gold: And shaped like a bug. A…beetle. *snerk*
Skeets: *waves front legs around in gesture reminiscent of a shrug* That’s what happens when the Director enlisted the help of 1812 with transferring my AI to another body.
Narrator: …five CADMUS scientists…
Blue Beetle: Both of us getting the itch makes it nine practical jokes…
Booster Gold: Are you sure we should count those separately?
Blue Beetle: Most of them weren’t aimed at both of us, so…yes.
Skeets: That is a logical deduction. *pauses* If logic could be applied to this situation.
Blue & Gold: *glower*
Narrator: …four mad Birds (of Prey)…
Booster Gold: And, of course, the tongue thing, and your tattoo, plus your new ‘costume’…
Blue Beetle: That only makes twelve. *frowns* And why did most of them happen to me?
Booster Gold: *shrugs* Because you’re the brains of this outfit?
Skeets: -_- Indeed, sir.
Narrator: …three scaredy cats…
Catwoman: *tossing Bruce’s bedroom* What happened to my clothes?
Batman: *smirks* Well, kitten, I thought it was high time I turned the tables. *cracks her whip*
Catwoman: *miffed, but decides to play along - for now* Why, Batman, so…forceful. *flutters lashes*
Narrator: …the Wonder Twins…
Diana: *sighs* *having been unable to track down Beetle and Booster for the entire song, she gives up*
Beetle & Booster: *hiding underneath the stage* Whew! *wipes sweat off each other’s brows*
Narrator: …Batman and Robin…
Batman & Robin: *now wearing uniforms that are tear-away and styled after a stripper’s clothing* -_-
Narrator: …and Eris gives the Boostle pair a gift!
Blue Beetle: *blinks* Huh? Eris?
Booster Gold: Who’s Eris?
Blue Beetle: The Goddess of Discord. But what…
Booster Gold: *dawning dread* Could this be our thirteenth prank?
Junior: *pops in from nowhere* Hi, Dads! *smiles and waves*
Narrator: *smirks* A prankster of their very own. (Thanks, doctorv!)
Blue Beetle: OMGWTFBBQ? *glomped by Junior*
Booster Gold: O.o *faints*
Director: *smirks* Ha! Finally, a little payback.
Batman: *hiding in the shadows of the stage* *also smirks*
Ditto on the rest of the cast.
Tim Drake: *looking smug* *buffs fingers on tunic* I. Rule.
Kon-El: Bwuh?
Tim Drake: *smirks* I called Cassie, who contacted Ares, and got myself an audience with a certain Discordian Goddess.
Kon-El: O.O Whoa…
Narrator: Happy Halloween!
Director: *sighs, slumps against wall* There is no way we’re doing this next year.
Narrator: *frowns* You just had to say it, didn’t you?
Director: *whimpers*
Narrator: *kicks him* She’ll come up with a doozy for Valentine’s; we’ll have to deal with love-struck superheroes instead of just cracked out ones.
Director: *whimpers again, and then faints, hitting head on nearby concrete block*
Narrator: *frowns sourly* Sure, take the easy way out. *eyes block, realizes that while it’s as hard as stone, it isn’t concrete, and shivers* Then again, I don’t want to try the hard way. Steph’s fruitcake was bad enough without being eleven months old…
THE END
No, Seriously.
We Mean It This Time.
…
REALLY
…
*sigh*