(no subject)
Dear Journal,
I know it's been a while since I've written in here. A lot has happened since that last post. On Thursday, the day of my last post, my anxiety was getting the best of me. I have been feeling irritable and irritated, especially towards Jordan, and Wednesday I just felt that way towards him, and lately, everything Jordan does, regardless if it's harmless or not, has been annoying and bothering me. I went to see Dr. Kanwar, the new pyschiatrist, and we raised my Remeron dosage to 15mg. I'll see if that helps any. I also went to see Tiffany, and we sort of made a break through. I always get to a point in my relationships where my anxiety just gets to much and I have to bail. But here, I don't want to bail. We came to the conclusion that I might be tired of Jordan, or something like that. So I rushed right over and shared this Jordan, which resulted in him breaking up with me, and it's been fucking with my mind ever since. I called out Friday and stayed in bed from 9pm Thursday night to about noon/1pm Friday afternoon, and only got up to go to the bathroom. I have been getting so hostile with how upset I've been feeling, and I banged my head a couple times on the floor and took scissors and cut my left calf. I also just sat there with a Tylonel bottle in my hands. I really have wanted to end it a couple of times over the course of the last few days. This has been a really severe episode for me. Friday afternoon, I reached out to friends, and my friend Cera invited me out to lunch, and I met her at her house and we got lunch at this Korean BBQ chain, which was good. We also rode around doing quick errands, got snacks and a movie and went back to her house to watch it, and also Netflix. It felt good to see her. I also talked to Jordan through Facebook messenger, and talking to him calmed me down a lot. The next day, Saturday, I went to this Under Armour sample sale and got leggings for $30. Then I picked up Weekley and we went to Artscape, which was fun. We were going to go see a movie, but decided against it, and instead grabbed dinner and went back to his house to watch a movie. I talked to Jordan that day as well, and we still love each other, and this is hard. Sunday, I had therapy with Tiffany. I do not know if talking to Jordan is causing me anxiety right now, it's really hard to tell what I am exactly feeling, so she recommended that I do not even message him while we are having some space. That threw me into another tailspin. I went grocery shopping with my mom, came home, and just exploded in my room. I did nothing but cry all day yesterday and earlier this morning. I saw my friend Becky later last night, and we talked and caught up. Now it is today and I still feel lost, hurt, upset, and sad. I miss seeing Jordan, I miss talking to him, and I can't seem to get a hold of myself. This is driving me nuts. I've been talking to friends, and one of them suggested this support group, so I emailed them for more information. I don't know when I am going to talk to Jordan again. I need this space. I am bipolar, but this is so hard because I can't tell what is real. I feel like two people at once and it's driving me beyond nuts. I just want to die. This is so hard. I know I love him.
Cheers.
I know it's been a while since I've written in here. A lot has happened since that last post. On Thursday, the day of my last post, my anxiety was getting the best of me. I have been feeling irritable and irritated, especially towards Jordan, and Wednesday I just felt that way towards him, and lately, everything Jordan does, regardless if it's harmless or not, has been annoying and bothering me. I went to see Dr. Kanwar, the new pyschiatrist, and we raised my Remeron dosage to 15mg. I'll see if that helps any. I also went to see Tiffany, and we sort of made a break through. I always get to a point in my relationships where my anxiety just gets to much and I have to bail. But here, I don't want to bail. We came to the conclusion that I might be tired of Jordan, or something like that. So I rushed right over and shared this Jordan, which resulted in him breaking up with me, and it's been fucking with my mind ever since. I called out Friday and stayed in bed from 9pm Thursday night to about noon/1pm Friday afternoon, and only got up to go to the bathroom. I have been getting so hostile with how upset I've been feeling, and I banged my head a couple times on the floor and took scissors and cut my left calf. I also just sat there with a Tylonel bottle in my hands. I really have wanted to end it a couple of times over the course of the last few days. This has been a really severe episode for me. Friday afternoon, I reached out to friends, and my friend Cera invited me out to lunch, and I met her at her house and we got lunch at this Korean BBQ chain, which was good. We also rode around doing quick errands, got snacks and a movie and went back to her house to watch it, and also Netflix. It felt good to see her. I also talked to Jordan through Facebook messenger, and talking to him calmed me down a lot. The next day, Saturday, I went to this Under Armour sample sale and got leggings for $30. Then I picked up Weekley and we went to Artscape, which was fun. We were going to go see a movie, but decided against it, and instead grabbed dinner and went back to his house to watch a movie. I talked to Jordan that day as well, and we still love each other, and this is hard. Sunday, I had therapy with Tiffany. I do not know if talking to Jordan is causing me anxiety right now, it's really hard to tell what I am exactly feeling, so she recommended that I do not even message him while we are having some space. That threw me into another tailspin. I went grocery shopping with my mom, came home, and just exploded in my room. I did nothing but cry all day yesterday and earlier this morning. I saw my friend Becky later last night, and we talked and caught up. Now it is today and I still feel lost, hurt, upset, and sad. I miss seeing Jordan, I miss talking to him, and I can't seem to get a hold of myself. This is driving me nuts. I've been talking to friends, and one of them suggested this support group, so I emailed them for more information. I don't know when I am going to talk to Jordan again. I need this space. I am bipolar, but this is so hard because I can't tell what is real. I feel like two people at once and it's driving me beyond nuts. I just want to die. This is so hard. I know I love him.
Cheers.