Anniversary Fics
Today is my 2nd year writing anniversary. Thanks to everyone who has ever read or reviewed my fics, and a special thank you to those wonderful people who have betaed for me.
I hope you enjoy these "drabbles" (though some of them morphed into longer ficlets and oneshots), written by request. Once again, this year the requests led me to write for a few new fandoms, always a joy. Hope you like them; I had a lot of fun writing them.
Title: Of Peacocks and Omens
For: forthrightly
Fandoms: Inuyasha/Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter
Characters: Sesshomaru, Legolas, Lucius Malfoy
Genres: Crack/AU
Rating: PG-13
Words: 754
Spoiler Warning: Deathly Hallows and Inuyasha manga ch 518
Theme: Good Omen/Bad Omen
Summary: When a bad omen terrorizes Lucius, it's up to other fandom heartthrobs to make sure he doesn't worry a hair on his pretty blond head.
Of Peacocks and Omens
Sesshomaru and Legolas were arguing over whose turn it was to do the dishes when Lucius suddenly burst into their apartment, all out of sorts.
"Blimey," said Legolas, for he was very, very British, "what's got into you?"
Lucius was standing there nervously, wringing his hands, sparks trailing from his wand in agitation, and most unforgivably, perspiring, something a perfect, God-chiseled creature such as himself must never do.
"I'll tell you what's bloody well got into me, mate!" he shrieked, for he was also very, very British.
"Careful now," said Sesshomaru. "You'll put a hair out of place. Just calm down and sit down by the telly," he said, which was slightly British and thus quite odd, considering Sesshomaru was supposed to be Japanese, but then he had been hanging out with these two blokes for more than just a few fortnights.
Lucius allowed his two friends to pull him onto the sofa, quivering noticeably.
"Now, tell us what happened," Legolas said gently.
"Well, there I was, just taking an afternoon stroll around my garden as usual when-I saw it!"
"Saw what?" Sesshomaru urged him on.
Lucius looked as though he were too afraid to continue. His voice came out in a tiny whisper. "The peacock," he said, and then no more.
Legolas and Sesshomaru exchanged a look.
"Um, Lucius, old mate," said Legolas, "your entire garden is covered in peacocks. It has been for years. Are you only now realizing how strange that it?"
Lucius turned on him angrily. "This was not a normal peacock!" he yelled. "This one was"-and here his voice dropped to a whisper again-"black."
"So?" said Sesshomaru.
"So? SO?!" bellowed Lucius. "You know I only keep albino peacocks. For a black peacock to appear out of nowhere, it can only be a portent of great misfortune, of highest calamity. I speak of course, my friends, of the most feared mistress of them all-"
"Kagome?" Sesshomaru guessed.
"No, you imbecile!" Lucius shrieked. "DEATH!"
"Oh, right. I thought it was one of the two,” Sesshomaru said.
"This is ridiculous," Legolas broke in. "Lucius, we've been over this already. You're not going to die. Ever since the last Harry Potter book was announced, you've been afraid you'd be offed. But see now? The book's come and gone, and you're still here, aren't you?"
Sesshomaru chimed in encouragingly. "I mean, sure, now that your franchise is over, you're growing less relevant by the minute. Losing fangirls in droves. But at least you’re not as obsolete as Legsy here.”
"Hey!" cried Legolas.
"You're lucky, Sesshomaru," Lucius sighed. "A franchise with no end in sight, a new swarm of fangirls every time your series goes back in rotation.... Well, I guess it's not so bad. I've still got two movies left!"
"There you go, that's the spirit," Sesshomaru said with a clap on his back.
"If anyone should be afraid of disappearing, it's this one, isn't it?" Lucius said, thumbing at Legolas. "No more books, no more movies. Sure, you'll coast on countless DVD re-releases, but how long until all the footage is used up and the action figures are in the dollar bin at the local thrift store?"
Legolas gritted his perfect Elf teeth. "Right here, you know."
"Oh, don’t get your skirt in a bunch, we're just, to use a term you'll understand, ‘taking the piss’," said Sesshomaru.
“Yeah,” Lucius said, trying not to laugh as he added, "I'm sure ticket sales for The Lord of the Rings musical stage show will pick right up!"
“Very funny,” Legolas grumbled as the demon and the wizard burst into laughter at his expense.
When they were finished, Lucius jumped up in exuberance. "Well, you're right, mates! I have nothing to worry about. That bad omen was just a figment of my imagination! Black peacocks indeed!" And with a laugh and a twirl of his cane, Lucius pranced out the door, whereupon Legolas and Sesshomaru heard the usual BANG! that signified his Disapparition.
Legolas turned a frightened face to Sesshomaru, who looked just as shocked.
"Did you see what I just saw?" Legolas said, mouth agape.
"Then," Sesshomaru gasped, "the bad omen was real!"
For as Lucius had swung his head around, they had witnessed in terror the unspeakable truth: Split ends, likely sent from the Devil himself, ravaging Lucius's formerly perfect 'blond do.
"Should we tell him?" Legolas wondered.
"Are you kidding?" Sesshomaru said, revealing his glee. "That pompous jackass, I haven't been this happy since I got my arm back!"
--
Title: Father Figures
For: lucindathemaid
Fandom: Inuyasha
Characters: Miroku, Shippo
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG
Words: 943
Theme: Persuasion
Summary: Shippo has a crush. Can Miroku help him get the girl?
Father Figures
In the way of father figures, Shippo didn't have much to work with. After his own father's death, the only male role models he had in his life were Inuyasha-a hopeless idiot-and Miroku-an unabashed lecher.
But it was either one or the other that Shippo had to go to for advice, and since Inuyasha was currently off in Kagome's time, Shippo sought out Miroku at the edge of a stream in Kaede's village.
"Miroku," Shippo said tentatively, "I need your advice."
"Advice on what matter, Shippo?" Miroku said lazily as he lay on his back, staring up at the clouds.
"It's about-girls!" Shippo blurted out.
"Ah!" Miroku sat up immediately. "Then you have made a wise choice in coming to me, my young friend, for there is nothing about women I do not know." Somehow, Shippo doubted that, but he held back whatever sarcastic comment had come to mind. "Let me impart my enormous wisdom to you. Now, tell me, how many women are you trying to woo?"
"Er," Shippo said. "One."
"Just one?" Miroku marveled at such a concept. "Well, you have to start somewhere, I guess, and work your way up. And who is the lucky lady?" he asked, though he had his suspicions.
"It's Rin," and even as Shippo said her name, a blush rose to his cheeks. "We've been spending a lot of time together since Sesshomaru left her and Kohaku and Jaken here to pursue Magatsuhi...."
Miroku smiled. It was as he had thought. It seemed the natural choice; after all, Shippo and Rin were about the same age.
"Shippo, if you want to make Rin yours, then there is only one course of action. Are you prepared to do whatever I tell you do to, no matter what?"
In the back of his mind, Shippo knew that this was a crazy idea, but he was desperate in the throes of innocent, young love. "I am!" he cried.
"Excellent," Miroku said, rubbing his hands together. "Now here's what you do..."
The next day, Shippo and Rin were playing together by the same stream, with Miroku hiding behind a bush to supervise that his plan went well.
First, he watched as Shippo handed Rin a bouquet of flowers, just as he had told him to.
"I picked these for you," Shippo said, staring at his feet in embarrassment.
"Oh, thank you, Shippo!" Rin took the flowers and smiled at him.
Shippo turned bright red and gulped, poking at the grass with his toes idly.
Don't give up now! Miroku urged silently. Go on!
"Er, Rin," Shippo said.
Rin wasn't paying much attention to him. She was sitting with the flowers on her lap, staring up at the clouds and wishing Sesshomaru would return.
"We're friends, right?" Shippo said.
"Of course," Rin agreed, and she wondered to herself if Kohaku was okay now, lying unconscious in Kaede's hut.
"Well, I was wondering… that is, I mean, if you wouldn't mind..." Shippo began mumbling.
Miroku cursed to himself. No! Don't back down now! You're so close! And Miroku was so intent on the two children that he didn't notice what was going on in the background...
Shippo seemed to receive the message mentally, and suddenly he perked up with new courage. "Rin," he said, and then he just blurted out, "whenwegrowupwillyoubearmychildren?"
Rin looked confused. "What?"
"I mean...” Shippo gulped, closed his eyes tight, and said slowly, “When we grow up, will you bear my children?"
"Oh," Rin said, giggling, though kindly. This was very funny to her indeed, but that was why she liked being around Shippo. He made her laugh. "And when would this be?"
Miroku hadn't prepared Shippo for such a contingency. He opened his eyes and twiddled his thumbs. "Um, I dunno... how about in ten years?"
Rin laughed again, picking at the flowers in her hands. "All right," she said with the casualty only a child can produce, as though Shippo had just asked her if she wanted to play a game. In the back of her mind she was wondering how much trouble Jaken was giving Lady Kaede at the moment, so she didn't notice the look of hopeful excitement on Shippo's face
Yes! Miroku thought. She's yours! Now go in for the kill!
Now came the hardest part of Miroku's instruction, but Shippo knew he had to do it, or else he was not a man. With shaking limbs, he grabbed Rin's hand to her surprise and leaned in for a kiss...
And that's when Miroku noticed Sesshomaru's tall, imposing, and completely intimidating figure standing not two meters from the children, looking twice as large as usual, whether from the new addition of his left arm or the mere doubling effect anger had on him.
Shippo froze in terror, lips hanging midair in a pucker as Sesshomaru stung him with a powerful glare, and Rin cried out happily, “Lord Sesshomaru!”
Miroku knew it was time for damage control. He stepped out calmly from behind the bush, but this neither surprised nor softened Sesshomaru’s frightening gaze.
There they stood, Sesshomaru behind Rin, Miroku behind Shippo. The monk thought it best to change strategies at this current juncture. "I have some new advice for you, Shippo,"
"What's that?" Shippo squeaked, letting go of Rin's hand.
"One word," Miroku said. "RUN!"
And as Sesshomaru fixed his deadly glare from one to the other, they both took off running and yelling with their arms flailing over their heads.
"I thought you knew everything about dealing with women!" Shippo accused Miroku.
"I do," Miroku cried, running faster, "it's the men who protect them that scare me!"
--
Title: Youki of a Different Kind
For: minakiwi
Fandom: Inuyasha
Pairing: Shippo/Souten
Genres: Romance/Vignette
Rating: G
Words: 100
Theme: Youki
Summary: He was powerless against her...
Youki of a Different Kind
It had started as a childhood battle, a game almost, over a box of crayons. They never truly found out whose youki was stronger, Shippo’s mushrooms or Souten’s acorns, but that didn’t matter to them anymore. They had left such differences behind them in youth. And though Shippo had an inkling that he truly would have won the battle as children, the grown up Shippo had no misconceptions now. All Souten had to do was look at him, and his knees grew weak, his heart grew full, and he was completely powerless against her charms, youki of a different kind.
--
Title: Zapp's Package
For: sexyblack
Fandom: Futurama
Character: Zapp Brannigan
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG-13 for Brannigan-esque language and innuendo
Words: 635
Theme: Underpants
Summary: The Planet Express crew make a special delivery to Zapp.
Zapp's Package
Major General Webelo Zapp Brannigan of the D.O.O.P. sat mightily upon his captain's chair of the good ship Nimbus as it thrust its way through the smooth, silky thighs of space.
He was lost in a particularly erotic daydream-involving none other than Captain Turanga Leela of Planet Express-when he found himself disturbed by a repeatedly aggravating sound, and opened his eyes to realize that the boy was talking to him.
"Sorry to disturb you, sir," Lieutenant Kif Kroker said dryly. "But we've received a signal from an oncoming ship. They wish to board us, sir, to deliver a package."
"Fire when ready!" Brannigan yelled in his most suave and commanding voice. It seemed the captain-iest thing to do.
Kif sighed. "I thought you might say that, sir, so I took it upon myself to give them the docking protocol. Oh-and here they are."
A crew of three had stepped into the room. One was anatomically deficient-a robot-another had the goods, but rather they were "the bads"-some redheaded whelp-and Zapp thus ignored them-but the third was not only curved in all the right places, but were curves that Brannigan knew from very close and personal experience. It could only be-
"Leela!" he cried. "Couldn't keep away from me, I see. Funny you should show up now, I was just having a dream about you. Care to come into my quarters and recreate it?"
The beautiful goddess that stood before him narrowed her one gigantic eye. "I'd rather recreate my fantasy of you, Zapp."
"Oh ho, do go on," Brannigan waltzed over to her, intrigued, where she proceeded to kick him across the head.
"Oh, baby," he said groggily as he picked himself up off the floor. "You do know how to push my buttons."
Leela sighed. "We don't have time to deal with you. We're just here to deliver this package."
"And what package is that?" Brannigan asked, for he had ordered so many in the last month it was hard to keep track of them all. "The life-size Amazonian dolls? The super-stretch girdles? Or perhaps the shipment of human horn that never showed up last year? Never trust those Omicronian-based websites, Kif."
"I'll keep that in mind, sir."
"I'm afraid it's nothing so perverse this time, Zapp," Leela said, and the robot lowered a large crate behind her. "Just 100 pairs of custom-made underpants."
"Ah, the underpants!" Brannigan said, hitting his fist against his palm. "Of course! Kif, inform the men and distribute our new regulation garments."
Kif took a crowbar, opened the crate, and examined the contents inside. "Oh dear lord, no."
"Incredible, aren't they?" Brannigan said, taking out a pair and rubbing it fondly. "One hundred percent velour. Of course the expense was high, but I just took it out of our defense budget." He laughed. "It's not like we ever use it anyway. Defense is for the sick alien bastards we blast apart and the planets I've never heard of that they come from."
"Charming, Zapp," Leela said. "Just sign here."
She held out a form, and after he signed it, he grabbed her hand.
"Leela, my sweet, if you ever want to, er, inspect the working order of the troops' new underwear, my door is always open."
"I'm sure."
And with that, the Planet Express crew departed, and Brannigan was once again left alone-he never counted the boy, after all-to ponder the mysteries of the universe.
"Um, sir?" Kif ventured to ask. "Why did you order 100 pairs of underpants? There are 101 crew members aboard."
"That's simple enough, Kif," Brannigan said, and he uncrossed his legs in his chair as though to emphasize the point, leading his lieutenant to utter a more disturbed sigh than usual. "I never wear them!"
--
Title: A Familiar Routine
For: haro
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione
Genre: Slice-of-Life
Rating: G
Words: 322
Theme: Ministry
Summary: A typical morning at the Ministry of Magic... post-DH.
A Familiar Routine
Their first year at the Ministry, Harry and Ron had started to revolutionize the Auror Department, while Hermione was quickly working her way up the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
Even in the post-Voldemort days, being an Auror was hard and dangerous work. Any number of Dark wizards sprung up, some of the more ambitious and foolhardy ones claiming to be possessed by Voldemort himself or acting on his orders. Harry had to laugh at them a bit inwardly; he knew what the real Voldemort was capable of, and these imitators weren’t him.
One day, while riding one of the golden-grilled lifts at the Ministry with Hermione and Ron, Harry said, “You know, not much has changed since Hogwarts.”
“Are you kidding?” Ron said. “I can finally afford my own robes. Back then I half-expected to be wearing Percy’s hand-me-downs the rest of life.”
“Plus, you’re not half so dense as you used to be,” Hermione added helpfully.
“Oh, thank you,” Ron smirked, but even as he said so he pulled her in for a kiss.
“What I meant was,” Harry said pointedly, “we’re still together, practically every day, fighting the good fight…”
“Solving mysteries, taking down bad guys…” Ron added.
“And coming to me for help and advice more often than not!” Hermione interjected.
“Well,” Ron said, “you’re still the smartest, aren’t you?”
Hermione laughed, and at that moment a disembodied female voice said, “Level two, Department of Magical Law Enforcement, including the Improper Use of Magic Office, Auror Headquarters, and Wizengamot Administration Services.”
“Here we are,” Harry said as the three of them exited the lift.
“Same old, same old,” Ron sighed, but with a grin on his face.
“See you at lunch,” Hermione said as she walked off in the opposite direction.
Harry couldn’t help but smile to himself at the thought of their familiar daily routine. Wherever his friends went with him, somehow it always felt like home.
--
Title: A Promise Renewed
For: _nami
Fandom: Inuyasha
Characters: Inuyasha, Sango
Genres: Drama/Angst
Rating: PG
Words: 455
Spoiler Warning: manga ch 519
Theme: Sincerity
Summary: Sango worries over Kohaku's fate.
A Promise Renewed
Sango lay awake, casting furtive glances in the dark at Kohaku's motionless body, which was not resting in sleep, but lay there nonfunctioning, powerless, forced into unconsciousness. All the others were asleep-or so she thought until a brash voice spoke.
"Don't worry, Sango," Inuyasha said from his corner on the other side of the hut. For how long he'd been watching her, she didn't know. "Sesshomaru will get Magatsuhi. Kohaku will be okay."
Sango tried to smile, but like her brother's body, the corners of her mouth would not rise.
"It's not that I think Sesshomaru will fail-" she began.
"He won't."
"It's just, that's it. What if he does defeat Magatsuhi and Kagome's purification powers come back, and.…" Sango's voice broke again as though cut by some unseen force.
"And what?"
"And… what if it still doesn't work. What if Kohaku is stuck like this forever, frozen, like a dead person?"
"Keh," Inuyasha said, and Sango knew he was trying to keep his tone light, "now you're just thinking wildly. Kohaku will be fine."
"But what if...." Sango stopped herself, and suddenly her voice grew low. "I've thought about it, you know. And I've decided."
Inuyasha looked at her with concern. "Decided what?"
"If it comes down to it... if there truly is no saving Kohaku, then... then I'm going to take his Shikon shard out and let him die."
There was no holding it back now: Those words seemed to break through the dam that had been restraining her tears, and she began to sob.
"Stop that."
Suddenly Inuyasha had moved right next to her, and he stared solemnly into her face.
"Sango, I made a promise to you once, and I've never forgotten it."
She looked up at him as the tears slid silently into her lap.
"I promised you that Kohaku would live, no matter what. The only one dying is Naraku. I'll see to that."
And he took her hand, and for one brief moment, he held it tight.
"I promise," he said again, and there was such sincerity in his voice, it seemed to stymie the tears wanting to form in her eyes. She wanted to thank him, but then he said, “Now get some sleep,” and all she could do was nod her head gently and lay back down, while the hanyou retreated back to his corner, past the softly snoring bodies of Shippo and Miroku, where he slept sitting up, Tessaiga ready in the crook of his arm to protect those he loved.
And as Sango drifted into sleep, she thought back to the many times she’d witnessed Inuyasha's loyalty to his friends. Somehow, some way... she had to believe that Kohaku would live again.
--
Title: Arms Away
For: tarrin4ever
Fandom: Inuyasha
Characters: Sesshomaru, Sesshomaru's left arm
Genre: MAJOR CRACK
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1,608
Spoiler Warning: manga ch 518
Summary: For Sesshomaru, getting his arm back should have been great, but something is very, very wrong with it...
Arms Away
When Sesshomaru magically got his left arm back, he thought it was great. It meant that he had finally surpassed his father’s power, and now he had proof of that. But it didn’t take long for Sesshomaru to realize that something about his new arm was… odd.
He tried to tell himself that it was just because the new arm lacked his regular youkai stripes, but deep down he knew that the arm just didn’t feel right.
“I do not think,” he said one day to himself when he had left his friends behind to be alone, “that this is my original arm.”
“Wow, you think?” a sarcastic voice said. “You must be some sort of genius.”
If Sesshomaru was surprised, it was twofold, because 1) Someone had dared mock him to his face, and 2) He was fairly certain that the voice trading such insults belonged to his left arm itself, because no one else was around. Sesshomaru thought it best to check, lest he was going crazy.
“Did you just talk to me?” he whispered.
“Hey, pal,” the arm said, “I’m only talking to you because there’s no chicks around. You think I like chatting up dudes?”
Sesshomaru didn’t know what to say to this, but he was fairly disturbed, for there was no doubt now that his arm was indeed speaking to him. There was only one reasonable course of action left: Find Totosai and beat an explanation out of him.
Totosai’s lair was just as unpleasant as the last time Sesshomaru had come around swinging the Meidou zangetsuha attack at him, all noxious fumes and poisonous vapors that only those with youkai blood could withstand. Sesshomaru found the old crackpot snoozing away at the back of his skeletal cave (part of its roof still missing from his last visit), only this time he no longer had Meidou zangetsuha, so his fists would have to do.
“What the hell did you do to my arm, old man?” Sesshomaru yelled, seizing Totosai by the throat and walloping him on the head. But no sooner had he landed a blow with his right arm than his left arm turned itself on him.
“Why are you hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, hahahaha!” the arm said as it smacked Sesshomaru in the face over and over.
“WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!” Sesshomaru bellowed to Totosai as his own arm continued to pummel him. “WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!”
Totosai was sitting down, staring at the amazing sight of Sesshomaru beating himself up, and scratching his rear idly. “Oh, did I forget to tell you?” Totosai said.
“TELL ME WHAT?”
“Well, you didn’t really expect to get your arm back with no strings attached, did you? Especially considering the horrible circumstances that you lost it under in the first place, trying to kill two innocents…”
Sesshomaru’s nose was now bleeding quite freely from the repeated punches, and his left eye was turning blueish-green. “JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO TO MAKE IT STOP!”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Totosai said. “That arm is your conscience, your better half, as it were. It’s here to make sure you don’t abuse your power.”
“Yeah, and to tell you to bathe more often, ‘cause you STINK!’ the arm cried gleefully. “Hahaha!”
“If it’s my conscience,” Sesshomaru said through a rapidly swelling busted lip, “then why is it saying things like that to me?”
“Hmm,” Totosai said, thinking hard. “It appears your conscience is a bit of a dick.”
“No kidding,” Sesshomaru said. The arm had just forced one of his fingers into his mouth and then proceeded to give him one hell of a wet willy with it, all the while cackling its annoying laugh.
This new development was most distressing. Sesshomaru was hardly able to breathe without suffering some punishment, threat, or demand from his arm. Already it had chastised him for picking on Jaken too much, forced him to initiate a “group hug” that included his vassal, Rin, Kohaku, and Ah-Un, and seemed to complain loudly every other day, “And would it kill you to clean underneath your claws every once in a while? I feel disgusting!” Anytime Sesshomaru tried to resist, he suffered the pain and humiliation of having his own, strong arm pummel himself.
But the worst occurrence yet took place when Sesshomaru’s group ran into Inuyasha’s group, and all hell broke loose.
“What the hell happened to you, Sesshomaru?” Inuyasha said upon seeing him. He had never seen his older brother look so unnerved, as though he hadn’t slept for days. His hair was unkempt, his eyes were twitching, his clothes were disheveled, his face was bashed and bruised and splattered with dried blood, and his right arm was mysteriously covered in what appeared to be claw marks and Indian burns.
Sesshomaru did not answer him, but approached with a deranged look on his face, and appeared to be talking to himself. “Don’t make me do it, please don’t make me do it…” His left arm was held out in midair as though pulling him across the ground.
“But I don’t wanna!” Sesshomaru whined most unusually as he neared Inuyasha.
“Hey, Sesshomaru,” Inuyasha said with a weird look on his face as his brother grew very close. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I assure you this means nothing!” Sesshomaru cried, and as he said it, his left arm squeezed Inuyasha close in a bear hug.
“What the fuck!” Inuyasha yelled, trying to push him away. “Get offa me, you crazy bastard!”
When the left arm finally let him go, Sesshomaru appeared to be weeping.
“See, don’t you feel better now?” the arm said to him. “Isn’t it better to love than to hate?”
Inuyasha heard Sesshomaru suddenly yell out “No!” as though answering someone.
“No what, weirdo?” Inuyasha said, but Sesshomaru was already headed in another direction, right where Kagome and Sango were staring at him in shock over the odd spectacle that had just taken place.
“OoOoOo, ladies!” the arm said. “Finally! It’s like a freaking day care center hanging around with you.”
“Oh no,” Sesshomaru said, helpless as his arm pulled him in the women’s direction, “now what?”
“Now THIS!” the arm cried hungrily as it goosed first Kagome, then Sango, then Kagome again to the shrill, surprised yelps of the women.
“I swear I find neither of you sexually attractive!” Sesshomaru pleaded as he allowed the women to bop him on the head.
“What the hell was that?” Sango said to Kagome as they watched the formerly intimidating daiyoukai limp away most pathetically.
“Yeah,” Kagome said. “I always figured he was gay.”
“He’s gone crazy,” Sango said.
“Really?” Miroku said, walking over to the ladies in amusement. “I’d say he’s finally come to his senses!”
“What’s the big idea, anyway?” Sesshomaru said to his apparently perverted arm. “I thought you were supposed to be my conscience. Why the hell are you touching those women?”
The arm shrugged. “I guess I did it because you’re too much of a pussy to do it yourself.”
“That’s it!” Sesshomaru cried. That was the last straw to his wounded pride and body. “You’re going bye-bye, mister!”
“Huh?” the arm said.
“INUYASHA!” Sesshomaru yelled. “Come here!”
Inuyasha and the rest of his friends were looking at him with most odd expressions now, but the hanyou tentatively stepped forward.
“What is it?”
“Draw Tessaiga, Inuyasha! I demand that you cut off my arm!”
Kagome, Shippo, Miroku, Sango, Rin, Jaken, and Kohaku, who were standing a ways off from the brothers, all collectively gasped.
“Keh,” Inuyasha said, unmoving. “You’re crazier than I thought.”
“Do it!” Sesshomaru roared.
Inuyasha stood his ground. “No way.”
“Ha!” the left arm cried, gloating. “Looks like you’re stuck with me, jackass.”
Sesshomaru rubbed his bruised brow with his right hand and sighed. “Do it, Inuyasha. Do it, or I shall… be forced to embrace you again.”
Another collective gasp from the crowd watching, and Inuyasha’s eyebrows raised.
“You’re really serious?”
“It’s the only way to stop it, Inuyasha. If I don’t get rid of this arm, I shall just continue hugging and groping, hugging and groping till the end of my days.”
“That is disgusting,” Inuyasha agreed. “Well, since it’s for the greater good and all…” and he drew Tessaiga from its sheath. “Kagome!” he called. “Cover the kids’ eyes! They shouldn’t see this…”
Tears of deepest gratitude came to Sesshomaru’s battered face. “Thank you… brother.”
Inuyasha smiled widely. “Don’t mention it, big guy.”
And with one quick, mighty swing of Tessaiga, he hacked off Sesshomaru’s arm.
It was a good three seconds that Sesshomaru stood there in silence, motionless except for the deluge of blood that now swept from his missing right arm.
Then there was the all too familiar cackling that had driven Sesshomaru so crazy for the past few weeks.
“Hahahahaha! Looks like we’re stuck together forever now, huh?” his left arm cackled.
A vein in Sesshomaru’s forehead burst. “Inuyasha…” he said. “I’LL KILL YOU!!”
Inuyasha let out a “Yipe!” and took off running, so frightening and deranged his brother looked right now.
“Hey, stop it!” the left arm cried, punching Sesshomaru upside the face. “You can’t kill him! That’s what got you into this mess in the first place!”
“Watch me!” Sesshomaru growled, and he chased his brother around in circles, the two of them looking like a pair of mindless backyard dogs.
Their friends just watched from afar.
“Aw,” Rin said. “Does this mean no more huggy Sesshomaru? I liked the new him.”
“Speak for yourself,” Kohaku said.
“Should we stop them?” Sango wondered.
“Nah,” Miroku said. “They’ll grow tired… eventually.”
--
Title: Sacagawea
For: nelson_bannaba
Fandom: Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Character: Carl
Genre: Slice-of-Life
Rating: PG-13
Words: 143
Summary: Carl's less than progressive views on currency.
Sacagawea
“What the freakin’ hell is this?”
Carl had just rolled over on the couch, sticking his hand into one of its crevices only to latch onto something and pull it out of the cushions: A golden, Sacagawea dollar coin.
“What? They’re putting freakin’ broads on currency now? Uh, no thank you, please, this is the United States of America. We put men on our money, that’s the way it should be.”
Upon closer inspection, however, Carl realized that at least the broad had nice jugs, so perhaps the coin was worth holding onto after all.
“Oh, shit, wait,” he said, noticing a second figure on the broad’s back. “She’s got a freakin’ baby! Yeah, I don’t do that. Stay away from chicks with kids, man.” Back into the couch cushions she would go, then, Carl thought. What a waste of a freakin’ dollar.
I hope you enjoy these "drabbles" (though some of them morphed into longer ficlets and oneshots), written by request. Once again, this year the requests led me to write for a few new fandoms, always a joy. Hope you like them; I had a lot of fun writing them.
Title: Of Peacocks and Omens
For: forthrightly
Fandoms: Inuyasha/Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter
Characters: Sesshomaru, Legolas, Lucius Malfoy
Genres: Crack/AU
Rating: PG-13
Words: 754
Spoiler Warning: Deathly Hallows and Inuyasha manga ch 518
Theme: Good Omen/Bad Omen
Summary: When a bad omen terrorizes Lucius, it's up to other fandom heartthrobs to make sure he doesn't worry a hair on his pretty blond head.
Of Peacocks and Omens
Sesshomaru and Legolas were arguing over whose turn it was to do the dishes when Lucius suddenly burst into their apartment, all out of sorts.
"Blimey," said Legolas, for he was very, very British, "what's got into you?"
Lucius was standing there nervously, wringing his hands, sparks trailing from his wand in agitation, and most unforgivably, perspiring, something a perfect, God-chiseled creature such as himself must never do.
"I'll tell you what's bloody well got into me, mate!" he shrieked, for he was also very, very British.
"Careful now," said Sesshomaru. "You'll put a hair out of place. Just calm down and sit down by the telly," he said, which was slightly British and thus quite odd, considering Sesshomaru was supposed to be Japanese, but then he had been hanging out with these two blokes for more than just a few fortnights.
Lucius allowed his two friends to pull him onto the sofa, quivering noticeably.
"Now, tell us what happened," Legolas said gently.
"Well, there I was, just taking an afternoon stroll around my garden as usual when-I saw it!"
"Saw what?" Sesshomaru urged him on.
Lucius looked as though he were too afraid to continue. His voice came out in a tiny whisper. "The peacock," he said, and then no more.
Legolas and Sesshomaru exchanged a look.
"Um, Lucius, old mate," said Legolas, "your entire garden is covered in peacocks. It has been for years. Are you only now realizing how strange that it?"
Lucius turned on him angrily. "This was not a normal peacock!" he yelled. "This one was"-and here his voice dropped to a whisper again-"black."
"So?" said Sesshomaru.
"So? SO?!" bellowed Lucius. "You know I only keep albino peacocks. For a black peacock to appear out of nowhere, it can only be a portent of great misfortune, of highest calamity. I speak of course, my friends, of the most feared mistress of them all-"
"Kagome?" Sesshomaru guessed.
"No, you imbecile!" Lucius shrieked. "DEATH!"
"Oh, right. I thought it was one of the two,” Sesshomaru said.
"This is ridiculous," Legolas broke in. "Lucius, we've been over this already. You're not going to die. Ever since the last Harry Potter book was announced, you've been afraid you'd be offed. But see now? The book's come and gone, and you're still here, aren't you?"
Sesshomaru chimed in encouragingly. "I mean, sure, now that your franchise is over, you're growing less relevant by the minute. Losing fangirls in droves. But at least you’re not as obsolete as Legsy here.”
"Hey!" cried Legolas.
"You're lucky, Sesshomaru," Lucius sighed. "A franchise with no end in sight, a new swarm of fangirls every time your series goes back in rotation.... Well, I guess it's not so bad. I've still got two movies left!"
"There you go, that's the spirit," Sesshomaru said with a clap on his back.
"If anyone should be afraid of disappearing, it's this one, isn't it?" Lucius said, thumbing at Legolas. "No more books, no more movies. Sure, you'll coast on countless DVD re-releases, but how long until all the footage is used up and the action figures are in the dollar bin at the local thrift store?"
Legolas gritted his perfect Elf teeth. "Right here, you know."
"Oh, don’t get your skirt in a bunch, we're just, to use a term you'll understand, ‘taking the piss’," said Sesshomaru.
“Yeah,” Lucius said, trying not to laugh as he added, "I'm sure ticket sales for The Lord of the Rings musical stage show will pick right up!"
“Very funny,” Legolas grumbled as the demon and the wizard burst into laughter at his expense.
When they were finished, Lucius jumped up in exuberance. "Well, you're right, mates! I have nothing to worry about. That bad omen was just a figment of my imagination! Black peacocks indeed!" And with a laugh and a twirl of his cane, Lucius pranced out the door, whereupon Legolas and Sesshomaru heard the usual BANG! that signified his Disapparition.
Legolas turned a frightened face to Sesshomaru, who looked just as shocked.
"Did you see what I just saw?" Legolas said, mouth agape.
"Then," Sesshomaru gasped, "the bad omen was real!"
For as Lucius had swung his head around, they had witnessed in terror the unspeakable truth: Split ends, likely sent from the Devil himself, ravaging Lucius's formerly perfect 'blond do.
"Should we tell him?" Legolas wondered.
"Are you kidding?" Sesshomaru said, revealing his glee. "That pompous jackass, I haven't been this happy since I got my arm back!"
--
Title: Father Figures
For: lucindathemaid
Fandom: Inuyasha
Characters: Miroku, Shippo
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG
Words: 943
Theme: Persuasion
Summary: Shippo has a crush. Can Miroku help him get the girl?
Father Figures
In the way of father figures, Shippo didn't have much to work with. After his own father's death, the only male role models he had in his life were Inuyasha-a hopeless idiot-and Miroku-an unabashed lecher.
But it was either one or the other that Shippo had to go to for advice, and since Inuyasha was currently off in Kagome's time, Shippo sought out Miroku at the edge of a stream in Kaede's village.
"Miroku," Shippo said tentatively, "I need your advice."
"Advice on what matter, Shippo?" Miroku said lazily as he lay on his back, staring up at the clouds.
"It's about-girls!" Shippo blurted out.
"Ah!" Miroku sat up immediately. "Then you have made a wise choice in coming to me, my young friend, for there is nothing about women I do not know." Somehow, Shippo doubted that, but he held back whatever sarcastic comment had come to mind. "Let me impart my enormous wisdom to you. Now, tell me, how many women are you trying to woo?"
"Er," Shippo said. "One."
"Just one?" Miroku marveled at such a concept. "Well, you have to start somewhere, I guess, and work your way up. And who is the lucky lady?" he asked, though he had his suspicions.
"It's Rin," and even as Shippo said her name, a blush rose to his cheeks. "We've been spending a lot of time together since Sesshomaru left her and Kohaku and Jaken here to pursue Magatsuhi...."
Miroku smiled. It was as he had thought. It seemed the natural choice; after all, Shippo and Rin were about the same age.
"Shippo, if you want to make Rin yours, then there is only one course of action. Are you prepared to do whatever I tell you do to, no matter what?"
In the back of his mind, Shippo knew that this was a crazy idea, but he was desperate in the throes of innocent, young love. "I am!" he cried.
"Excellent," Miroku said, rubbing his hands together. "Now here's what you do..."
The next day, Shippo and Rin were playing together by the same stream, with Miroku hiding behind a bush to supervise that his plan went well.
First, he watched as Shippo handed Rin a bouquet of flowers, just as he had told him to.
"I picked these for you," Shippo said, staring at his feet in embarrassment.
"Oh, thank you, Shippo!" Rin took the flowers and smiled at him.
Shippo turned bright red and gulped, poking at the grass with his toes idly.
Don't give up now! Miroku urged silently. Go on!
"Er, Rin," Shippo said.
Rin wasn't paying much attention to him. She was sitting with the flowers on her lap, staring up at the clouds and wishing Sesshomaru would return.
"We're friends, right?" Shippo said.
"Of course," Rin agreed, and she wondered to herself if Kohaku was okay now, lying unconscious in Kaede's hut.
"Well, I was wondering… that is, I mean, if you wouldn't mind..." Shippo began mumbling.
Miroku cursed to himself. No! Don't back down now! You're so close! And Miroku was so intent on the two children that he didn't notice what was going on in the background...
Shippo seemed to receive the message mentally, and suddenly he perked up with new courage. "Rin," he said, and then he just blurted out, "whenwegrowupwillyoubearmychildren?"
Rin looked confused. "What?"
"I mean...” Shippo gulped, closed his eyes tight, and said slowly, “When we grow up, will you bear my children?"
"Oh," Rin said, giggling, though kindly. This was very funny to her indeed, but that was why she liked being around Shippo. He made her laugh. "And when would this be?"
Miroku hadn't prepared Shippo for such a contingency. He opened his eyes and twiddled his thumbs. "Um, I dunno... how about in ten years?"
Rin laughed again, picking at the flowers in her hands. "All right," she said with the casualty only a child can produce, as though Shippo had just asked her if she wanted to play a game. In the back of her mind she was wondering how much trouble Jaken was giving Lady Kaede at the moment, so she didn't notice the look of hopeful excitement on Shippo's face
Yes! Miroku thought. She's yours! Now go in for the kill!
Now came the hardest part of Miroku's instruction, but Shippo knew he had to do it, or else he was not a man. With shaking limbs, he grabbed Rin's hand to her surprise and leaned in for a kiss...
And that's when Miroku noticed Sesshomaru's tall, imposing, and completely intimidating figure standing not two meters from the children, looking twice as large as usual, whether from the new addition of his left arm or the mere doubling effect anger had on him.
Shippo froze in terror, lips hanging midair in a pucker as Sesshomaru stung him with a powerful glare, and Rin cried out happily, “Lord Sesshomaru!”
Miroku knew it was time for damage control. He stepped out calmly from behind the bush, but this neither surprised nor softened Sesshomaru’s frightening gaze.
There they stood, Sesshomaru behind Rin, Miroku behind Shippo. The monk thought it best to change strategies at this current juncture. "I have some new advice for you, Shippo,"
"What's that?" Shippo squeaked, letting go of Rin's hand.
"One word," Miroku said. "RUN!"
And as Sesshomaru fixed his deadly glare from one to the other, they both took off running and yelling with their arms flailing over their heads.
"I thought you knew everything about dealing with women!" Shippo accused Miroku.
"I do," Miroku cried, running faster, "it's the men who protect them that scare me!"
--
Title: Youki of a Different Kind
For: minakiwi
Fandom: Inuyasha
Pairing: Shippo/Souten
Genres: Romance/Vignette
Rating: G
Words: 100
Theme: Youki
Summary: He was powerless against her...
Youki of a Different Kind
It had started as a childhood battle, a game almost, over a box of crayons. They never truly found out whose youki was stronger, Shippo’s mushrooms or Souten’s acorns, but that didn’t matter to them anymore. They had left such differences behind them in youth. And though Shippo had an inkling that he truly would have won the battle as children, the grown up Shippo had no misconceptions now. All Souten had to do was look at him, and his knees grew weak, his heart grew full, and he was completely powerless against her charms, youki of a different kind.
--
Title: Zapp's Package
For: sexyblack
Fandom: Futurama
Character: Zapp Brannigan
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG-13 for Brannigan-esque language and innuendo
Words: 635
Theme: Underpants
Summary: The Planet Express crew make a special delivery to Zapp.
Zapp's Package
Major General Webelo Zapp Brannigan of the D.O.O.P. sat mightily upon his captain's chair of the good ship Nimbus as it thrust its way through the smooth, silky thighs of space.
He was lost in a particularly erotic daydream-involving none other than Captain Turanga Leela of Planet Express-when he found himself disturbed by a repeatedly aggravating sound, and opened his eyes to realize that the boy was talking to him.
"Sorry to disturb you, sir," Lieutenant Kif Kroker said dryly. "But we've received a signal from an oncoming ship. They wish to board us, sir, to deliver a package."
"Fire when ready!" Brannigan yelled in his most suave and commanding voice. It seemed the captain-iest thing to do.
Kif sighed. "I thought you might say that, sir, so I took it upon myself to give them the docking protocol. Oh-and here they are."
A crew of three had stepped into the room. One was anatomically deficient-a robot-another had the goods, but rather they were "the bads"-some redheaded whelp-and Zapp thus ignored them-but the third was not only curved in all the right places, but were curves that Brannigan knew from very close and personal experience. It could only be-
"Leela!" he cried. "Couldn't keep away from me, I see. Funny you should show up now, I was just having a dream about you. Care to come into my quarters and recreate it?"
The beautiful goddess that stood before him narrowed her one gigantic eye. "I'd rather recreate my fantasy of you, Zapp."
"Oh ho, do go on," Brannigan waltzed over to her, intrigued, where she proceeded to kick him across the head.
"Oh, baby," he said groggily as he picked himself up off the floor. "You do know how to push my buttons."
Leela sighed. "We don't have time to deal with you. We're just here to deliver this package."
"And what package is that?" Brannigan asked, for he had ordered so many in the last month it was hard to keep track of them all. "The life-size Amazonian dolls? The super-stretch girdles? Or perhaps the shipment of human horn that never showed up last year? Never trust those Omicronian-based websites, Kif."
"I'll keep that in mind, sir."
"I'm afraid it's nothing so perverse this time, Zapp," Leela said, and the robot lowered a large crate behind her. "Just 100 pairs of custom-made underpants."
"Ah, the underpants!" Brannigan said, hitting his fist against his palm. "Of course! Kif, inform the men and distribute our new regulation garments."
Kif took a crowbar, opened the crate, and examined the contents inside. "Oh dear lord, no."
"Incredible, aren't they?" Brannigan said, taking out a pair and rubbing it fondly. "One hundred percent velour. Of course the expense was high, but I just took it out of our defense budget." He laughed. "It's not like we ever use it anyway. Defense is for the sick alien bastards we blast apart and the planets I've never heard of that they come from."
"Charming, Zapp," Leela said. "Just sign here."
She held out a form, and after he signed it, he grabbed her hand.
"Leela, my sweet, if you ever want to, er, inspect the working order of the troops' new underwear, my door is always open."
"I'm sure."
And with that, the Planet Express crew departed, and Brannigan was once again left alone-he never counted the boy, after all-to ponder the mysteries of the universe.
"Um, sir?" Kif ventured to ask. "Why did you order 100 pairs of underpants? There are 101 crew members aboard."
"That's simple enough, Kif," Brannigan said, and he uncrossed his legs in his chair as though to emphasize the point, leading his lieutenant to utter a more disturbed sigh than usual. "I never wear them!"
--
Title: A Familiar Routine
For: haro
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione
Genre: Slice-of-Life
Rating: G
Words: 322
Theme: Ministry
Summary: A typical morning at the Ministry of Magic... post-DH.
A Familiar Routine
Their first year at the Ministry, Harry and Ron had started to revolutionize the Auror Department, while Hermione was quickly working her way up the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
Even in the post-Voldemort days, being an Auror was hard and dangerous work. Any number of Dark wizards sprung up, some of the more ambitious and foolhardy ones claiming to be possessed by Voldemort himself or acting on his orders. Harry had to laugh at them a bit inwardly; he knew what the real Voldemort was capable of, and these imitators weren’t him.
One day, while riding one of the golden-grilled lifts at the Ministry with Hermione and Ron, Harry said, “You know, not much has changed since Hogwarts.”
“Are you kidding?” Ron said. “I can finally afford my own robes. Back then I half-expected to be wearing Percy’s hand-me-downs the rest of life.”
“Plus, you’re not half so dense as you used to be,” Hermione added helpfully.
“Oh, thank you,” Ron smirked, but even as he said so he pulled her in for a kiss.
“What I meant was,” Harry said pointedly, “we’re still together, practically every day, fighting the good fight…”
“Solving mysteries, taking down bad guys…” Ron added.
“And coming to me for help and advice more often than not!” Hermione interjected.
“Well,” Ron said, “you’re still the smartest, aren’t you?”
Hermione laughed, and at that moment a disembodied female voice said, “Level two, Department of Magical Law Enforcement, including the Improper Use of Magic Office, Auror Headquarters, and Wizengamot Administration Services.”
“Here we are,” Harry said as the three of them exited the lift.
“Same old, same old,” Ron sighed, but with a grin on his face.
“See you at lunch,” Hermione said as she walked off in the opposite direction.
Harry couldn’t help but smile to himself at the thought of their familiar daily routine. Wherever his friends went with him, somehow it always felt like home.
--
Title: A Promise Renewed
For: _nami
Fandom: Inuyasha
Characters: Inuyasha, Sango
Genres: Drama/Angst
Rating: PG
Words: 455
Spoiler Warning: manga ch 519
Theme: Sincerity
Summary: Sango worries over Kohaku's fate.
A Promise Renewed
Sango lay awake, casting furtive glances in the dark at Kohaku's motionless body, which was not resting in sleep, but lay there nonfunctioning, powerless, forced into unconsciousness. All the others were asleep-or so she thought until a brash voice spoke.
"Don't worry, Sango," Inuyasha said from his corner on the other side of the hut. For how long he'd been watching her, she didn't know. "Sesshomaru will get Magatsuhi. Kohaku will be okay."
Sango tried to smile, but like her brother's body, the corners of her mouth would not rise.
"It's not that I think Sesshomaru will fail-" she began.
"He won't."
"It's just, that's it. What if he does defeat Magatsuhi and Kagome's purification powers come back, and.…" Sango's voice broke again as though cut by some unseen force.
"And what?"
"And… what if it still doesn't work. What if Kohaku is stuck like this forever, frozen, like a dead person?"
"Keh," Inuyasha said, and Sango knew he was trying to keep his tone light, "now you're just thinking wildly. Kohaku will be fine."
"But what if...." Sango stopped herself, and suddenly her voice grew low. "I've thought about it, you know. And I've decided."
Inuyasha looked at her with concern. "Decided what?"
"If it comes down to it... if there truly is no saving Kohaku, then... then I'm going to take his Shikon shard out and let him die."
There was no holding it back now: Those words seemed to break through the dam that had been restraining her tears, and she began to sob.
"Stop that."
Suddenly Inuyasha had moved right next to her, and he stared solemnly into her face.
"Sango, I made a promise to you once, and I've never forgotten it."
She looked up at him as the tears slid silently into her lap.
"I promised you that Kohaku would live, no matter what. The only one dying is Naraku. I'll see to that."
And he took her hand, and for one brief moment, he held it tight.
"I promise," he said again, and there was such sincerity in his voice, it seemed to stymie the tears wanting to form in her eyes. She wanted to thank him, but then he said, “Now get some sleep,” and all she could do was nod her head gently and lay back down, while the hanyou retreated back to his corner, past the softly snoring bodies of Shippo and Miroku, where he slept sitting up, Tessaiga ready in the crook of his arm to protect those he loved.
And as Sango drifted into sleep, she thought back to the many times she’d witnessed Inuyasha's loyalty to his friends. Somehow, some way... she had to believe that Kohaku would live again.
--
Title: Arms Away
For: tarrin4ever
Fandom: Inuyasha
Characters: Sesshomaru, Sesshomaru's left arm
Genre: MAJOR CRACK
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1,608
Spoiler Warning: manga ch 518
Summary: For Sesshomaru, getting his arm back should have been great, but something is very, very wrong with it...
Arms Away
When Sesshomaru magically got his left arm back, he thought it was great. It meant that he had finally surpassed his father’s power, and now he had proof of that. But it didn’t take long for Sesshomaru to realize that something about his new arm was… odd.
He tried to tell himself that it was just because the new arm lacked his regular youkai stripes, but deep down he knew that the arm just didn’t feel right.
“I do not think,” he said one day to himself when he had left his friends behind to be alone, “that this is my original arm.”
“Wow, you think?” a sarcastic voice said. “You must be some sort of genius.”
If Sesshomaru was surprised, it was twofold, because 1) Someone had dared mock him to his face, and 2) He was fairly certain that the voice trading such insults belonged to his left arm itself, because no one else was around. Sesshomaru thought it best to check, lest he was going crazy.
“Did you just talk to me?” he whispered.
“Hey, pal,” the arm said, “I’m only talking to you because there’s no chicks around. You think I like chatting up dudes?”
Sesshomaru didn’t know what to say to this, but he was fairly disturbed, for there was no doubt now that his arm was indeed speaking to him. There was only one reasonable course of action left: Find Totosai and beat an explanation out of him.
Totosai’s lair was just as unpleasant as the last time Sesshomaru had come around swinging the Meidou zangetsuha attack at him, all noxious fumes and poisonous vapors that only those with youkai blood could withstand. Sesshomaru found the old crackpot snoozing away at the back of his skeletal cave (part of its roof still missing from his last visit), only this time he no longer had Meidou zangetsuha, so his fists would have to do.
“What the hell did you do to my arm, old man?” Sesshomaru yelled, seizing Totosai by the throat and walloping him on the head. But no sooner had he landed a blow with his right arm than his left arm turned itself on him.
“Why are you hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, hahahaha!” the arm said as it smacked Sesshomaru in the face over and over.
“WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!” Sesshomaru bellowed to Totosai as his own arm continued to pummel him. “WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!”
Totosai was sitting down, staring at the amazing sight of Sesshomaru beating himself up, and scratching his rear idly. “Oh, did I forget to tell you?” Totosai said.
“TELL ME WHAT?”
“Well, you didn’t really expect to get your arm back with no strings attached, did you? Especially considering the horrible circumstances that you lost it under in the first place, trying to kill two innocents…”
Sesshomaru’s nose was now bleeding quite freely from the repeated punches, and his left eye was turning blueish-green. “JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO TO MAKE IT STOP!”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Totosai said. “That arm is your conscience, your better half, as it were. It’s here to make sure you don’t abuse your power.”
“Yeah, and to tell you to bathe more often, ‘cause you STINK!’ the arm cried gleefully. “Hahaha!”
“If it’s my conscience,” Sesshomaru said through a rapidly swelling busted lip, “then why is it saying things like that to me?”
“Hmm,” Totosai said, thinking hard. “It appears your conscience is a bit of a dick.”
“No kidding,” Sesshomaru said. The arm had just forced one of his fingers into his mouth and then proceeded to give him one hell of a wet willy with it, all the while cackling its annoying laugh.
This new development was most distressing. Sesshomaru was hardly able to breathe without suffering some punishment, threat, or demand from his arm. Already it had chastised him for picking on Jaken too much, forced him to initiate a “group hug” that included his vassal, Rin, Kohaku, and Ah-Un, and seemed to complain loudly every other day, “And would it kill you to clean underneath your claws every once in a while? I feel disgusting!” Anytime Sesshomaru tried to resist, he suffered the pain and humiliation of having his own, strong arm pummel himself.
But the worst occurrence yet took place when Sesshomaru’s group ran into Inuyasha’s group, and all hell broke loose.
“What the hell happened to you, Sesshomaru?” Inuyasha said upon seeing him. He had never seen his older brother look so unnerved, as though he hadn’t slept for days. His hair was unkempt, his eyes were twitching, his clothes were disheveled, his face was bashed and bruised and splattered with dried blood, and his right arm was mysteriously covered in what appeared to be claw marks and Indian burns.
Sesshomaru did not answer him, but approached with a deranged look on his face, and appeared to be talking to himself. “Don’t make me do it, please don’t make me do it…” His left arm was held out in midair as though pulling him across the ground.
“But I don’t wanna!” Sesshomaru whined most unusually as he neared Inuyasha.
“Hey, Sesshomaru,” Inuyasha said with a weird look on his face as his brother grew very close. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I assure you this means nothing!” Sesshomaru cried, and as he said it, his left arm squeezed Inuyasha close in a bear hug.
“What the fuck!” Inuyasha yelled, trying to push him away. “Get offa me, you crazy bastard!”
When the left arm finally let him go, Sesshomaru appeared to be weeping.
“See, don’t you feel better now?” the arm said to him. “Isn’t it better to love than to hate?”
Inuyasha heard Sesshomaru suddenly yell out “No!” as though answering someone.
“No what, weirdo?” Inuyasha said, but Sesshomaru was already headed in another direction, right where Kagome and Sango were staring at him in shock over the odd spectacle that had just taken place.
“OoOoOo, ladies!” the arm said. “Finally! It’s like a freaking day care center hanging around with you.”
“Oh no,” Sesshomaru said, helpless as his arm pulled him in the women’s direction, “now what?”
“Now THIS!” the arm cried hungrily as it goosed first Kagome, then Sango, then Kagome again to the shrill, surprised yelps of the women.
“I swear I find neither of you sexually attractive!” Sesshomaru pleaded as he allowed the women to bop him on the head.
“What the hell was that?” Sango said to Kagome as they watched the formerly intimidating daiyoukai limp away most pathetically.
“Yeah,” Kagome said. “I always figured he was gay.”
“He’s gone crazy,” Sango said.
“Really?” Miroku said, walking over to the ladies in amusement. “I’d say he’s finally come to his senses!”
“What’s the big idea, anyway?” Sesshomaru said to his apparently perverted arm. “I thought you were supposed to be my conscience. Why the hell are you touching those women?”
The arm shrugged. “I guess I did it because you’re too much of a pussy to do it yourself.”
“That’s it!” Sesshomaru cried. That was the last straw to his wounded pride and body. “You’re going bye-bye, mister!”
“Huh?” the arm said.
“INUYASHA!” Sesshomaru yelled. “Come here!”
Inuyasha and the rest of his friends were looking at him with most odd expressions now, but the hanyou tentatively stepped forward.
“What is it?”
“Draw Tessaiga, Inuyasha! I demand that you cut off my arm!”
Kagome, Shippo, Miroku, Sango, Rin, Jaken, and Kohaku, who were standing a ways off from the brothers, all collectively gasped.
“Keh,” Inuyasha said, unmoving. “You’re crazier than I thought.”
“Do it!” Sesshomaru roared.
Inuyasha stood his ground. “No way.”
“Ha!” the left arm cried, gloating. “Looks like you’re stuck with me, jackass.”
Sesshomaru rubbed his bruised brow with his right hand and sighed. “Do it, Inuyasha. Do it, or I shall… be forced to embrace you again.”
Another collective gasp from the crowd watching, and Inuyasha’s eyebrows raised.
“You’re really serious?”
“It’s the only way to stop it, Inuyasha. If I don’t get rid of this arm, I shall just continue hugging and groping, hugging and groping till the end of my days.”
“That is disgusting,” Inuyasha agreed. “Well, since it’s for the greater good and all…” and he drew Tessaiga from its sheath. “Kagome!” he called. “Cover the kids’ eyes! They shouldn’t see this…”
Tears of deepest gratitude came to Sesshomaru’s battered face. “Thank you… brother.”
Inuyasha smiled widely. “Don’t mention it, big guy.”
And with one quick, mighty swing of Tessaiga, he hacked off Sesshomaru’s arm.
It was a good three seconds that Sesshomaru stood there in silence, motionless except for the deluge of blood that now swept from his missing right arm.
Then there was the all too familiar cackling that had driven Sesshomaru so crazy for the past few weeks.
“Hahahahaha! Looks like we’re stuck together forever now, huh?” his left arm cackled.
A vein in Sesshomaru’s forehead burst. “Inuyasha…” he said. “I’LL KILL YOU!!”
Inuyasha let out a “Yipe!” and took off running, so frightening and deranged his brother looked right now.
“Hey, stop it!” the left arm cried, punching Sesshomaru upside the face. “You can’t kill him! That’s what got you into this mess in the first place!”
“Watch me!” Sesshomaru growled, and he chased his brother around in circles, the two of them looking like a pair of mindless backyard dogs.
Their friends just watched from afar.
“Aw,” Rin said. “Does this mean no more huggy Sesshomaru? I liked the new him.”
“Speak for yourself,” Kohaku said.
“Should we stop them?” Sango wondered.
“Nah,” Miroku said. “They’ll grow tired… eventually.”
--
Title: Sacagawea
For: nelson_bannaba
Fandom: Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Character: Carl
Genre: Slice-of-Life
Rating: PG-13
Words: 143
Summary: Carl's less than progressive views on currency.
Sacagawea
“What the freakin’ hell is this?”
Carl had just rolled over on the couch, sticking his hand into one of its crevices only to latch onto something and pull it out of the cushions: A golden, Sacagawea dollar coin.
“What? They’re putting freakin’ broads on currency now? Uh, no thank you, please, this is the United States of America. We put men on our money, that’s the way it should be.”
Upon closer inspection, however, Carl realized that at least the broad had nice jugs, so perhaps the coin was worth holding onto after all.
“Oh, shit, wait,” he said, noticing a second figure on the broad’s back. “She’s got a freakin’ baby! Yeah, I don’t do that. Stay away from chicks with kids, man.” Back into the couch cushions she would go, then, Carl thought. What a waste of a freakin’ dollar.