Out With the Old, In With the New
It's time for another edition of...
The Continuing Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs!
Starring: Sesshomaru, Legolas, and Lucius Malfoy
Guest Appearances by: Jaken, Gimli, and Dobby
Plus a Surprise Special Guest to Make You Swoon!
Tonight's Episode: Out With the Old, In With the New
[Inside the Fandom Heartthrobs Secret Headquarters, our intrepid heroes have called an emergency meeting…Lucius enters.]
Sesshomaru: So kind of you to finally arrive.
Lucius: Sorry I’m late. Traffic was a real bitch.
Legolas: Why didn’t you just Floo or Apparate or whatever the hell it is you wizards do?
Lucius: …Hindsight is 20/20.
Sesshomaru: Indeed.
Lucius: So why’d you guys call me here anyway? What’s so important?
[Sesshomaru and Legolas share a look.]
Legolas: *ahem* Take a seat, Lucius. We have something to tell you.
Lucius: Oh God, I had a feeling this was coming. Listen, let me be the first to say ‘Congratulations’ and I’d love to be the best man at your wedding.
Sesshomaru: What!
Legolas: No! Geez! That’s not why we called you here! Now sit down.
Lucius: Then what is it?
Sesshomaru: It’s about your membership in the Fandom Heartthrobs.
Lucius: What?
Legolas: Sesshomaru and I have been discussing it, and we feel you just don’t meet our needs at this time. But we’ve written you a Letter of Recommendation.
Sesshomaru: Good luck in your future endeavors.
Lucius: YOU’RE KICKING ME OUT?! Why?!
Legolas: Calm down, I’m sure you’ll make some lucky group of fictional heartthrobs very happy someday.
Sesshomaru: You just don’t really fit in with us, that’s all. Nothing personal.
Lucius: What are you talking about? Have you seen my hair?! Look! BLONDE! I’m perfect for this club.
Legolas: …
Lucius: What, that’s not good enough any more?
Sesshomaru: We just think you don’t have enough in common with us.
Lucius: What? Shall I list the ways? Besides the hair, we’ve each got a short, aesthetically-challenged sidekick.
Jaken, Gimli, and Dobby: Hello!
Sesshomaru, Legolas, and Lucius; Quiet, youse!
Lucius: As I was saying, we’ve got the hair, the sidekicks…
Sesshomaru: But that’s not enough.
Lucius: What about the astute sense of fashion! What about the feminity! What about the huge legions of fangirls! You’ll never find someone to replace me!
Legolas: Au contraire. We already did.
Lucius: WHAT?!
Sesshomaru: Yeah, we found someone with even more fangirls than you. Plus, he’s got something in common with us that you don’t.
Lucius: Like what?
Legolas: Well, I’m a prince…
Sesshomaru: And I’m a prince…
Lucius: You’re not a prince!
Sesshomaru: Shut up!
Legolas: He’s…sort of a prince. Well, plenty of people seem to think he has a castle. It’s close enough.
Sesshomaru: And this new guy’s a prince too. He sent us an application the other day and he meets all our criteria perfectly. Lucius, meet your replacement… the Half-Blood Prince Severus Snape!
[A blonde Snape enters.]
Snape: ‘Ello ‘ello!
Lucius: What?! That poncy old bugger? His accent’s atrocious. I’m bloody pissed as ‘ell I am, what what.
Sesshomaru: ….
Legolas: Snape here is the perfect addition to the Fandom Heartthrobs.
Snape: Sorry to beat you out, old chap. No hard feelings and what all. I was sick of being bosom buddies with Old Whatshisface and thought I’d shack up with these blokes.
Lucius: But Snape can’t be part of the group!
Legolas: And why not?
Lucius: Because he’s not even BLONDE!
[Lucius pulls off Snape’s wig, revealing *gaspshock* BLACK hair!]
Snape: *girlish shriek*
Sesshomaru: *faintgaspshock* Impostor!!
Legolas: You jerk! You lied on your application! We specifically stated no brunettes allowed!
Snape: But I kind of have highlights if you look at it in the sunlight…
Lucius: Oh bugger off, you git! *boot*
Snape: Yipe! *falls out window*
Lucius: *brushes off hands* And stay out!
Sesshomaru: Is h-he gone?
Legolas: Yes, he’s gone. It’s ok now.
Sesshomaru: That was sooo scary. His hair was some horrible dark color. The pain.
Legolas: There there. It’s all over.
Lucius: So, what do you say, mates? Am I back in the Fandom Heartthrobs for good?
Legolas: Oh all right.
Lucius: Wheee!
Sesshomaru: Ahhh, my eyes! Scary dark hair make this Sesshomaru go blind!
THE END