Haunting issues
You know what I hate? Pretending I like something when I actually don't.
I normally am able to express my likes and dislikes for most things. But in the case of my family...I can't. I forced myself to say (through gritted teeth) that things are "alright" whenever I go back to Taiwan. But they're not. Every time I go back, I have to go through this torture of having literally no friends, and my family feels like a bitch to be with. It's like, I'm there, but I'm just invisible. As if I were the ghost cousin. And every time I want to say something in attempt to make conversation, I'm never heard. Nobody ever takes notice of me in my family while they have something to brag about (like...being on the news for something).
Fuck you all. With this build up, it's better for me to be lonesome out in the jungle than to be in a room full of people who know you, but don't even seem to want to take an interest about anything.
I refuse to go back for next Chinese New Year. Am I really that unwelcome? If people take notice of me out of duty instead of from the heart, I really don't think it matters whether I show up or not. Seriously. And I did try. For 2 fucking years. Every time I come back to Hong Kong afterwards, I cry to the point of having swollen eyes for a few days.
Having said all this, I'm questioning this: does this make me a cruel and selfish being for not wanting to go back?
I normally am able to express my likes and dislikes for most things. But in the case of my family...I can't. I forced myself to say (through gritted teeth) that things are "alright" whenever I go back to Taiwan. But they're not. Every time I go back, I have to go through this torture of having literally no friends, and my family feels like a bitch to be with. It's like, I'm there, but I'm just invisible. As if I were the ghost cousin. And every time I want to say something in attempt to make conversation, I'm never heard. Nobody ever takes notice of me in my family while they have something to brag about (like...being on the news for something).
Fuck you all. With this build up, it's better for me to be lonesome out in the jungle than to be in a room full of people who know you, but don't even seem to want to take an interest about anything.
I refuse to go back for next Chinese New Year. Am I really that unwelcome? If people take notice of me out of duty instead of from the heart, I really don't think it matters whether I show up or not. Seriously. And I did try. For 2 fucking years. Every time I come back to Hong Kong afterwards, I cry to the point of having swollen eyes for a few days.
Having said all this, I'm questioning this: does this make me a cruel and selfish being for not wanting to go back?