I have no clue if this post even make sense. Early Morning ramble.
My life seems like it's beginning to crumble. I'm becoming exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
My work days are usually Sunday to Thursday, but since last week I've been missing this day here, that day there, making them both up on such-and-such day...
Had my employers really given a crap, I'd probably be fired by now. But since I'm free labor, they don't care that much. Because they don't care, I'm developing my bad school habits with work time. Been late, an hour late, 2 hours late, missed whole days without calling. It's not that no one pays attention there, of course. Cindy and Cesar had asked why I was out, if stuff was ok. I just don't comment, just a nod. But in reality, I'm about to crack.
It's not even about me not being used to these hours, because I've been doing them pretty good the weeks before last week, and those days I was walking there and back from home every day. I didn't eat much but I was still energetic, I was friendly with everyone and I was cooperative.
But I don't even know what the fuck happened since last week, honestly. I don't know at all. I can feel something's going to happen between me and this guy. I swear, he is getting annoyed with me but not nearly as me with him.
I'm so sick and tired of being called his "girlfriend" when it isn't true. I'm tired of these guys making fun of something called a LITTLE attraction. Do I want to sleep with this guy? No. Do I want to get with this guy? Not anymore. Especially not when he HAS a girlfriend. It's mocking me, and even though they do it jokingly I'm getting so sick and tired of it. At this point he's just eye candy, really; he's cute, ok, but the only thing I like about him is his passion to learn foreign languages. But his attitude at times? Ehh. Sexual desire? It's completely gone out the window now, I don't know why, but I don't care either.
I don't work near him half the time, if I work -with- him, we hardly talk, we may joke around once in a while but that's about it.
The whole thing about my cat dying, it still brings me to tears. Sunday I didn't even want to go to work, but I did anyways. I couldn't stay in this house any longer. I couldn't be around all the negative energy that I was feeling. But guess what? The negativity followed me to work. I didn't talk to my mom about it. I didn't talk to anyone in my family about it. So who do I talk to? This guy. I talked to him about my cat, trying to not cry about it. And you know, he told me he understood, he had a cat too and all so he knows how it feels and stuff, and to not try and think about it.
Then it thunderstorms. Obviously if you know me, you know how I get about thunderstorms. Hell yeah I was freaking out! So much that I rode in the subway system for like 2 hours until the storm passed. That, and I had no real feeling of going home. I didn't want to go home yet. While this is pretty normal of me, it probably freaked him out a little bit, because he got a bit annoyed when he got off the train and took off. Me, meanwhile, rode the train for another 1 1/2 hours after he left. Tried to say thanks, but he couldn't hear me clearly over the train's noise and got annoyed. That has to be the main thing I don't like about him. When he doesn't understand me clearly, he gets annoyed. If I don't understand him clearly, he gets annoyed. If I ask what he said again, he'll go "forget it" and be a typical guy about it.
Bothersome.
Back to thunderstorms, that's a 3rd reason why I can't take it for much longer. Thunderstorms all week. Self-explanatory.
Then one of the last but not least, the meets. The gal meet is getting me a bit anxious because I've been looking up different places all night for the past couple of nights. Going from site to site, to the site I went to previously to double-check, so I can make sure the things we wanted to try to do will get done. But of course, issues with age and/or money messes that up. I've been getting frustrated. Then, whatever Lolita meet I'm thinking up for the future. It's bugging me in the back of my head.
When I can't get anything done I doubt my abilities, my doubting turns into total disbelief and soon after, just failure. I give up on myself way too easily at times, but it's so hard not to. I just want to lay in bed all day, not touch the phone, not touch the computer, not watch TV, just lay down and stare outside all day, or sleep.
I can't dress up for anything, I can't wash my hair (until Friday, anyways. I've been waiting nearly 2-3 weeks to get my fucking hair done, thank god this weekend is coming up.) I can't do anything. I'm stuck on video games, I'm stuck on fast food instead of healthy shit from Trader Joe's. That 'depressing' feeling and also the itis kicks in constantly through their food, but it's just so good. But seriously? I really don't want to feel like this, and I don't know the step towards changing it.
I think Muffy wanted to hang out on Thursday, she's supposedly coming to Downtown Brooklyn or something because her friend is buying a phone for her. I hope she still is too, I haven't seen my Muffy in 6 months, I haven't seen her pregnant state in person yet, and I think hanging out with her will make me feel a load better.
When I get my hair done this weekend, I'll probably spruce up my look for work for that whole next week. Amber needs a serious "feel good" mentality, before I crack open. I'm going to get my nails done by Kyan-D, which is awesome compared to getting it done at Sakura (their stuff is pretty nice) but with only a 270-80 dollar budget for the next two weeks, I'm gonna have to try and save as much as possible. 85 dollar calgel nails can wait, while I get 20 dollar calgel done by my friend. Seriously.
And I... have no clue when I'm gonna get them done, lol. I was thinking that if the weather is good next week, I can work overtime so I can work maybe 3 days or so out of the week, rather than the regular 5 days. So I can rest up, practice my makeup and get my shopping shit together and my outfits and shit together, and make sure everything's set for this meet. I want to try and knock people down with my looks.
-----
Oh boy. And then there's the brunch and internship.
Fuck.
My work days are usually Sunday to Thursday, but since last week I've been missing this day here, that day there, making them both up on such-and-such day...
Had my employers really given a crap, I'd probably be fired by now. But since I'm free labor, they don't care that much. Because they don't care, I'm developing my bad school habits with work time. Been late, an hour late, 2 hours late, missed whole days without calling. It's not that no one pays attention there, of course. Cindy and Cesar had asked why I was out, if stuff was ok. I just don't comment, just a nod. But in reality, I'm about to crack.
It's not even about me not being used to these hours, because I've been doing them pretty good the weeks before last week, and those days I was walking there and back from home every day. I didn't eat much but I was still energetic, I was friendly with everyone and I was cooperative.
But I don't even know what the fuck happened since last week, honestly. I don't know at all. I can feel something's going to happen between me and this guy. I swear, he is getting annoyed with me but not nearly as me with him.
I'm so sick and tired of being called his "girlfriend" when it isn't true. I'm tired of these guys making fun of something called a LITTLE attraction. Do I want to sleep with this guy? No. Do I want to get with this guy? Not anymore. Especially not when he HAS a girlfriend. It's mocking me, and even though they do it jokingly I'm getting so sick and tired of it. At this point he's just eye candy, really; he's cute, ok, but the only thing I like about him is his passion to learn foreign languages. But his attitude at times? Ehh. Sexual desire? It's completely gone out the window now, I don't know why, but I don't care either.
I don't work near him half the time, if I work -with- him, we hardly talk, we may joke around once in a while but that's about it.
The whole thing about my cat dying, it still brings me to tears. Sunday I didn't even want to go to work, but I did anyways. I couldn't stay in this house any longer. I couldn't be around all the negative energy that I was feeling. But guess what? The negativity followed me to work. I didn't talk to my mom about it. I didn't talk to anyone in my family about it. So who do I talk to? This guy. I talked to him about my cat, trying to not cry about it. And you know, he told me he understood, he had a cat too and all so he knows how it feels and stuff, and to not try and think about it.
Then it thunderstorms. Obviously if you know me, you know how I get about thunderstorms. Hell yeah I was freaking out! So much that I rode in the subway system for like 2 hours until the storm passed. That, and I had no real feeling of going home. I didn't want to go home yet. While this is pretty normal of me, it probably freaked him out a little bit, because he got a bit annoyed when he got off the train and took off. Me, meanwhile, rode the train for another 1 1/2 hours after he left. Tried to say thanks, but he couldn't hear me clearly over the train's noise and got annoyed. That has to be the main thing I don't like about him. When he doesn't understand me clearly, he gets annoyed. If I don't understand him clearly, he gets annoyed. If I ask what he said again, he'll go "forget it" and be a typical guy about it.
Bothersome.
Back to thunderstorms, that's a 3rd reason why I can't take it for much longer. Thunderstorms all week. Self-explanatory.
Then one of the last but not least, the meets. The gal meet is getting me a bit anxious because I've been looking up different places all night for the past couple of nights. Going from site to site, to the site I went to previously to double-check, so I can make sure the things we wanted to try to do will get done. But of course, issues with age and/or money messes that up. I've been getting frustrated. Then, whatever Lolita meet I'm thinking up for the future. It's bugging me in the back of my head.
When I can't get anything done I doubt my abilities, my doubting turns into total disbelief and soon after, just failure. I give up on myself way too easily at times, but it's so hard not to. I just want to lay in bed all day, not touch the phone, not touch the computer, not watch TV, just lay down and stare outside all day, or sleep.
I can't dress up for anything, I can't wash my hair (until Friday, anyways. I've been waiting nearly 2-3 weeks to get my fucking hair done, thank god this weekend is coming up.) I can't do anything. I'm stuck on video games, I'm stuck on fast food instead of healthy shit from Trader Joe's. That 'depressing' feeling and also the itis kicks in constantly through their food, but it's just so good. But seriously? I really don't want to feel like this, and I don't know the step towards changing it.
I think Muffy wanted to hang out on Thursday, she's supposedly coming to Downtown Brooklyn or something because her friend is buying a phone for her. I hope she still is too, I haven't seen my Muffy in 6 months, I haven't seen her pregnant state in person yet, and I think hanging out with her will make me feel a load better.
When I get my hair done this weekend, I'll probably spruce up my look for work for that whole next week. Amber needs a serious "feel good" mentality, before I crack open. I'm going to get my nails done by Kyan-D, which is awesome compared to getting it done at Sakura (their stuff is pretty nice) but with only a 270-80 dollar budget for the next two weeks, I'm gonna have to try and save as much as possible. 85 dollar calgel nails can wait, while I get 20 dollar calgel done by my friend. Seriously.
And I... have no clue when I'm gonna get them done, lol. I was thinking that if the weather is good next week, I can work overtime so I can work maybe 3 days or so out of the week, rather than the regular 5 days. So I can rest up, practice my makeup and get my shopping shit together and my outfits and shit together, and make sure everything's set for this meet. I want to try and knock people down with my looks.
-----
Oh boy. And then there's the brunch and internship.
Fuck.