Freebie Lists (With Update)
Freebie List (noun) A reciprocal listing of individuals which a married couple, or couple in a committed relationship agree upon, such that if the opportunity ever arose with respect to one of the individuals on one of the partner’s lists, monogamy is waived.
I subscribe to the idea of a Freebie list, as long as those people on the freebie list are exceedingly unlikely. For example, one cannot put the neighbor on a freebie list, or a bartender, or the sunday school teacher. Those people might be unlikely, but they are not as unlikely as celebrities, washed up child-actors or political leaders.
My freebie list is exceedingly unlikely. I do change it to reflect the times (for example Linda Hamilton was once on my freebie list...now, nah...she couldn't kill me with her biceps so I'm not as interested), and my changing tastes. I find that I have particular problems as my freebie list is made up of mostly imaginary people, dead people and/or ridiculously impossible people.
Current Freebie List:
1. James Dean (Dead, always at the top of the list, and the current background to my computer...whatever! I'm devoted! I painted a portrait of the man, didn't I? Nothing so lovely should ever have lived anyway, right? Beauty is a bitch, but it's eternal. My theory is that he is a god who could undo me with one half-smirk.)
2. Terrance Hayes (an exception to the dead/imaginary list, not only alive, but I once sat within touching distance of him as he looked at one of my poems and helped me with it. I had a hard time breathing. He smells really good. That's a pretty man inside and out.I was so smitten kitten. He is happily married and I'm going to bet that "that one girl from WMU" isn't on his freebie list.)
3. Heathcliff (I would rock that man's world with suffering. He is a prince of pain! What Anne Carson called a pain devil in her long poem "The Glass Essay." Goddamn! Seriously! Also...imaginary, dead and impossible = trifecta of why bother putting him on a list at all? The answer: love is love, jerkmeats, and the heart/body wants what it wants. I want Heathcliff.).
4. Carl Sagan (Also dead. Don't judge me. We would make slow passionate love while he explained the many ways the universe had been leading us to this as one of many possible moments. I would die a little inside of love for him.)
5. Daniel Malloy (undead, imaginary, gay...why not? Also...suffering, oh, suffering!)
How many people do I get on this list? Because I have wasted all of it.
Not on the list:
Jared Motherfucking Leto (Although? Love/Hate...so close sometimes. But he's so laaaaame! Oh, god so lame! I want to beat the shit out of him! And then do other things?)
Dean Winchester (Imaginary, and I don't want him, I want to be him...very different.)
Jensen Ackles (Real, plays Dean Winchester, goofy-seeming, drool-inducing, unlikely to the nth degree, sort of along my regular m.o. of liking people I think look slightly like me (I am so fucking vain that if I were any vainer I would run my ass around the block a few times)...we have very similar eyes, bottom lip and nose (he must have broken his at some point)).
Me (God, I sound like JPL! I would do me, but that's super unlikely and double narcissistic.)
St. Sebastian (Dead, Saint.)
Quentin Compson (Because my love for him is not sexual per se, I would lick his tears and hold him.)
Corey Haim (Dead. Could have had him, totally! Also looked a little like me in some way I can't quite identify.)
Jamie Fulton (Real, should have let him have his way with me in 10th grade, but I was dating someone else. Goddamn he was a good kisser. I want a do over. I don't even care if he's fat and bald now...we'll keep the lights out.)
That boy who danced with me one night at Mean Mr. Mustards in 1994 and cornered me against the wall to grope/french me. (He said he knew me and that he hadn't seen me in forever, he called me by my nickname without being told what it was, which made me assume he went to highschool with me, although I did not remember his name. And I still don't. Why the hell didn't I just go home with him? He haunts me. I swear. Don't tell anyone! Hahaha! Don't tell anyone, entire internet!)
Boy who went on a "field trip" in Geology Honors 200 with me. (He made chocolate chip cookies and we sat in my car at Old Man's Cave and ate them. We scrambled over rocks taking notes for hours. We talked for a ridiculous amount of time. I should have kissed him. It was ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. But one of my friends was in love with him, and I thought it would be wrong. Do we get kiss freebies?)
Robert Something (I wouldn't have. The only student to ever tempt me. This was before Roy and I started dating. I was 23, he was 20. I had a hard time not blushing when he looked at me. Also, we looked a little alike, so there's that problem again.)
Brigham S...something..kle? I know it wasn't Sparkle.(Totally made out with him for like two hours. He was always trying to get into my pants, then he'd feel guilty. Whatever. I would not have had sex with him, but I would have gladly accepted the "superfun showertime" that he offered on several occasions, if I knew what I know now.)
Nick French (Alive, pal, awkward, therefore not on the list. I hope you read this someday, Nick. It's cool. We shared one drunken, sloppy kiss and it was sweet and wonderful. I scratched your hair while you wrote. And you didn't love me. That's okay. I found me a Roy. But I didn't want to have sex with you at all. I just wanted to cuddle and breathe. So sweet. Too sweet. You are one of my favorite people in the world.)
There are others, but I am not willing to bare my soul here. And since they are impossible, due to being dead/inappropriate/awkward to admit...I will keep my secrets. A boy needs his secrets, right?
Now, spill your lists, sisters and brothers. It's valentimes!
UPDATE:
Roy, who claims not to have or want a freebie list (what an asshole), says I am wasting mine by filling it up with dead people.
So, fine.
1. James Dean (still dead, still tops, don't care.)
2. Terrance Hayes
3. Jared Leto (it won't be pretty--it will be angry and cruel)
4. Jensen Ackles (it will be pretty, but also maybe cruel)
5. I have to keep my last one a secret...even from me.
I subscribe to the idea of a Freebie list, as long as those people on the freebie list are exceedingly unlikely. For example, one cannot put the neighbor on a freebie list, or a bartender, or the sunday school teacher. Those people might be unlikely, but they are not as unlikely as celebrities, washed up child-actors or political leaders.
My freebie list is exceedingly unlikely. I do change it to reflect the times (for example Linda Hamilton was once on my freebie list...now, nah...she couldn't kill me with her biceps so I'm not as interested), and my changing tastes. I find that I have particular problems as my freebie list is made up of mostly imaginary people, dead people and/or ridiculously impossible people.
Current Freebie List:
1. James Dean (Dead, always at the top of the list, and the current background to my computer...whatever! I'm devoted! I painted a portrait of the man, didn't I? Nothing so lovely should ever have lived anyway, right? Beauty is a bitch, but it's eternal. My theory is that he is a god who could undo me with one half-smirk.)
2. Terrance Hayes (an exception to the dead/imaginary list, not only alive, but I once sat within touching distance of him as he looked at one of my poems and helped me with it. I had a hard time breathing. He smells really good. That's a pretty man inside and out.I was so smitten kitten. He is happily married and I'm going to bet that "that one girl from WMU" isn't on his freebie list.)
3. Heathcliff (I would rock that man's world with suffering. He is a prince of pain! What Anne Carson called a pain devil in her long poem "The Glass Essay." Goddamn! Seriously! Also...imaginary, dead and impossible = trifecta of why bother putting him on a list at all? The answer: love is love, jerkmeats, and the heart/body wants what it wants. I want Heathcliff.).
4. Carl Sagan (Also dead. Don't judge me. We would make slow passionate love while he explained the many ways the universe had been leading us to this as one of many possible moments. I would die a little inside of love for him.)
5. Daniel Malloy (undead, imaginary, gay...why not? Also...suffering, oh, suffering!)
How many people do I get on this list? Because I have wasted all of it.
Not on the list:
Jared Motherfucking Leto (Although? Love/Hate...so close sometimes. But he's so laaaaame! Oh, god so lame! I want to beat the shit out of him! And then do other things?)
Dean Winchester (Imaginary, and I don't want him, I want to be him...very different.)
Jensen Ackles (Real, plays Dean Winchester, goofy-seeming, drool-inducing, unlikely to the nth degree, sort of along my regular m.o. of liking people I think look slightly like me (I am so fucking vain that if I were any vainer I would run my ass around the block a few times)...we have very similar eyes, bottom lip and nose (he must have broken his at some point)).
Me (God, I sound like JPL! I would do me, but that's super unlikely and double narcissistic.)
St. Sebastian (Dead, Saint.)
Quentin Compson (Because my love for him is not sexual per se, I would lick his tears and hold him.)
Corey Haim (Dead. Could have had him, totally! Also looked a little like me in some way I can't quite identify.)
Jamie Fulton (Real, should have let him have his way with me in 10th grade, but I was dating someone else. Goddamn he was a good kisser. I want a do over. I don't even care if he's fat and bald now...we'll keep the lights out.)
That boy who danced with me one night at Mean Mr. Mustards in 1994 and cornered me against the wall to grope/french me. (He said he knew me and that he hadn't seen me in forever, he called me by my nickname without being told what it was, which made me assume he went to highschool with me, although I did not remember his name. And I still don't. Why the hell didn't I just go home with him? He haunts me. I swear. Don't tell anyone! Hahaha! Don't tell anyone, entire internet!)
Boy who went on a "field trip" in Geology Honors 200 with me. (He made chocolate chip cookies and we sat in my car at Old Man's Cave and ate them. We scrambled over rocks taking notes for hours. We talked for a ridiculous amount of time. I should have kissed him. It was ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. But one of my friends was in love with him, and I thought it would be wrong. Do we get kiss freebies?)
Robert Something (I wouldn't have. The only student to ever tempt me. This was before Roy and I started dating. I was 23, he was 20. I had a hard time not blushing when he looked at me. Also, we looked a little alike, so there's that problem again.)
Brigham S...something..kle? I know it wasn't Sparkle.(Totally made out with him for like two hours. He was always trying to get into my pants, then he'd feel guilty. Whatever. I would not have had sex with him, but I would have gladly accepted the "superfun showertime" that he offered on several occasions, if I knew what I know now.)
Nick French (Alive, pal, awkward, therefore not on the list. I hope you read this someday, Nick. It's cool. We shared one drunken, sloppy kiss and it was sweet and wonderful. I scratched your hair while you wrote. And you didn't love me. That's okay. I found me a Roy. But I didn't want to have sex with you at all. I just wanted to cuddle and breathe. So sweet. Too sweet. You are one of my favorite people in the world.)
There are others, but I am not willing to bare my soul here. And since they are impossible, due to being dead/inappropriate/awkward to admit...I will keep my secrets. A boy needs his secrets, right?
Now, spill your lists, sisters and brothers. It's valentimes!
UPDATE:
Roy, who claims not to have or want a freebie list (what an asshole), says I am wasting mine by filling it up with dead people.
So, fine.
1. James Dean (still dead, still tops, don't care.)
2. Terrance Hayes
3. Jared Leto (it won't be pretty--it will be angry and cruel)
4. Jensen Ackles (it will be pretty, but also maybe cruel)
5. I have to keep my last one a secret...even from me.